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Original poster

DP walked out the house at 1am as I asked to look at his phone....

108 replies

Angelina7 · 10/04/2018 02:17

Hi all,
Please be kind and gentle I'm obviously feeling fragile.
Bit of background ...
Been with DP coming up 6 years, have 1 child and 1 on the way ....v nearly here actually.
Anyway I have had this unsettling feeling now for a while, he takes his phone everywhere with him ...to the bathroom, next to him in bed, even if he walks out the room for a minute he takes it. He left it on charge in the kitchen other day & I was in the kitchen ...he then moved from sofa to a place he could see the kitchen!
Sooo tonight I come to bed & he is already asleep, he listens to talking on it to fall asleep through headphones. I lay there for a while then it got louder so I reached across to turn it off as he was asleep anyway, he woke with a start & I mumbled 'it's too loud' & he turned it off but what got me was his heart rate, It was racing as if he was panicked that I was looking at phone while he was asleep which of course got me going again with my suspicions. After a while I couldn't take it anymore 'can I see your phone?' I said & he asked why, I said ' you take it every where with you & I want to see some trust'. He starts looking at his emails & I asked 'what are u doing?' he said just looking at my emails & handed the phone over so of course where do I go straight to? ....his emails and it only takes a scroll down to find he's a member of a site where a girl with pic in lingerie has messaged him on & i can't see her message but the site says she wants sex or someone along those lines.... He forcefully takes the phone back from me and won't let me see any more saying hes not a kid and I shouldn't have the right to just check his phone and it's weird, I said its not weird, you are being very defensive and in denial, he wouldn't talk to me, grabbed a few personal belongings and his coat and went out at 1am ... presumably to delete everything he has on the phone of guilt!
I think I heard him come back just now but he's not come into the bedroom.
Sooooo, what do I do with this?
How can I react?
I know from the past he is totally unwilling to talk, but I cannot let it slide.
Also he actually has no time to physically cheat on me and he now works his own business that's totally open to the public, our community where lots of people know me and him now and I pop in unannounced any time so I am not sure he has been able to physically cheat in person, but what else happens on these sites?!! Even if he's chatting dirty it's cheating in my eyes, he would never accept me to do that!
I don't know what to do as I have no hard evidence, just feelings as he has made sure of this!! Obviously I would not be with him if I didn't love him but really it is like perhaps he has a split personality and he shows me his lovely family man side but is hiding his other side, but again, no evidence ...so frustrating.
Please be kind x

OP posts:
LogsByTheFireside · 10/04/2018 08:19

I ended marriage immediately over a very similar discovery and not really anything more.

Turned out to he the tip of a ugly iceberg.

I never understand women who choose to work things through and forgive. Especially as there are so many threads on here from women who found exactly what you have, and forgiven, only for it to happen again -several times.

Beaverhausen · 10/04/2018 08:43

I always have access to my DO phone, he never tries to hide it from me as he knows I have trust issues from past experiences.

TwittleBee · 10/04/2018 16:46

My DP started acting odd with his phone and nearly had a heart attack when I picked it up to use to look something up on the web - turns out he was just preparing to propose to me so had all that sort of stuff on there. In the lead up to him proposing he did get very defensive and strange. Since he has proposed he has gone all back to normal with me being able to freely use his phone. I don't wanna get your hopes up and what the other posters have been saying is very likely (probably more likely tbh) but don't rule out that he isn't cheating just yet?

(btw that email really does sound like the sort of spam I often get in my inboxes, I agree with PP that he deleted anything he didn't want you to see whilst he was checking his emails)

ChickenMom · 10/04/2018 17:01

His racing heart beat and defensive behaviour says it all. He’s either chatting with other women or moaning off to his mates about you - either way he doesn’t want you seeing his messages and that’s a massive red flag. Always trust your instincts

mindfuckery · 10/04/2018 17:17

I came across a suspect email when we had only been married two years.It was a horrendous timing as it was the weekend my terminally ill DF died.
H came out with all sorts of excuses.
Eventually I let it go and stayed with him. Twelve years later I discovered he’d been visiting prostitutes all those years. I thought he didn’t have the time either. I’ve now left him. Good luck OP

Original poster
Angelina7 · 10/04/2018 17:50

Mindfuckery 💐, Sends shudders down my spine 😕 hearing that, so sorry for you but well done for leaving, what an idiot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Angelina7 · 11/04/2018 06:55

So he's not contacted me since yesterday lunchtime and not returned home last night I have to work on 4 hours sleep last 2 nights 8 months pregnant 😥😥😥

OP posts:
Namethecat · 11/04/2018 07:06

Angelina7**
Sorry to hear you have had the worry of him not coming home. He is a manchild - there's you already with a child and 8 months pregnant and he decides to stay out all night and be uncontactable. That alone is a no no in my book. I wouldn't try contacting him plus all his clothes would be packed and waiting at the front door for when he decides to walk through it.

Ryder63 · 11/04/2018 07:14

So he's not contacted me since yesterday lunchtime and not returned home last night I have to work on 4 hours sleep last 2 nights 8 months pregnant

This alone, is indefensible, OP. I too would have his bags packed and out the door.

KichenDancefloor · 11/04/2018 07:15

Regardless of what is on the phone, his actions show the level of respect he currently has for you.

Please tell a RL friend and don't feel you have to put a brave face on. Do what you can to be in control of what happens next and put yourself and your emotional wellbeing first (difficult for many women and young mothers especially).

You deserve better than this Thanks

CaledonianQueen · 11/04/2018 07:26

He is behaving unforgivably! I am so sorry OP, but it appears that your relationship is over. I wonder if this is a similar situation, where your DH has been using prostitutes/ or trying to arrange a meet up with a prostitute. He may think that the email you were able to see, showed you this and have been too much of a coward to return home.

Another possibility could be that he has a gambling problem and he has got you both into a lot of debt. Either way, his behaviour is very incriminating and absolutely not that of a loving husband and father to be! Has he been to his workplace at all?

Do you have a relative/ close friend who can come to stay to support you?

Do you by any chance know your dh's email password? As you could log onto his email via computer and access his emails there. It would at least give you an idea of what on earth is going on.

HughLauriesStubble · 11/04/2018 07:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Falmer · 11/04/2018 07:38

This is really bad. Flowers can you take the day off work? Don't even tire yourself packing his stuff, he's really just cooked his own goose, hasn't he? Just chuck all his stuff in the hall, with an empty suitcase on top. Go to bed, rest and contact any rl support you may have.

mathanxiety · 11/04/2018 07:39

He is staying somewhere.

Check your joint bank account, if any. Also any CC account you have access to.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 11/04/2018 07:45

Angelina, I'm so sorry Sweet.💐 I agree with @Falmer, take the day off, you must be in bits. Please, before you do anything else, contact someone who loves you, and ask them to come over, don't keep this to yourself any longer, you need support.
Sending you a mahoosive hug, don't be alone, reach out.

category12 · 11/04/2018 07:46

He's going for the big reaction so you'll be scared to question him again.

Falmer · 11/04/2018 07:46

So sorry for you, OP. You must feel exhausted and devastated. Please try and rest a bit and get rl support from friends or family. x

Original poster
Angelina7 · 11/04/2018 07:51

My Mum was v supportive yesterday, my friends don't live nearby they live all over the place.
HughLauriesStubble, I think what u said could be what he is doing. But at the same time, he does get anxiety and depression (not really diagnosed) though he has tried to seek help before several times he could just be so wrapped up in his own depression to even think about my feelings.

And then there's my DD (4yrs) no doubt she's going to be asking 'where's Daddy?' 🙁🙁🙁

OP posts:
Tinkie25 · 11/04/2018 07:58

I hope you’ve got people around to support you.

Trust your gut OP.

peekyboo · 11/04/2018 07:59

I wouldn't worry what he's wrapped up in. Why does he get to be the poor baby who needs understanding when you're at home alone with your child and heavily pregnant and no idea where he is.

Falmer · 11/04/2018 08:00

Has he been more depressed lately, is he on meds and does he have them with him?

Original poster
Angelina7 · 11/04/2018 08:02

Which he does alot when we disagree on things but I always persist so u would think he would realise it doesn't work with me now!

OP posts:
LizzieDarcy1907 · 11/04/2018 08:06

Being depressed is no excuse for behaving like an arsehole, sorry. And your DP is. If he wasn't up to anything, he'd let you see his phone.

Original poster
Angelina7 · 11/04/2018 08:07

Peekyboo, I know that's how I feel!

Falmer, no he's not on meds as he's tried them in the past and the side effects have been as bad as the anxiety.

OP posts:
Labradoodliedoodoo · 11/04/2018 08:07

What will you do op?

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