Partner wants to take 1 year old son to Brazil without me

[Sunshinegirl18]

Very sadly my partners grandma has recently been diagnosed with cancer. She's in her 90's and due to a family rift he he hasn't seen her for many years. As a consequence she also hasn't met our son who turned one in February.

My partner wants to take our son to Brazil on his own to meet his grandma as it may be the only chance she gets to meet him.

I'm not a heartless person. I understand the situation is a horrible one to be in.

I've said our son can't go without me coming too. My reasons are he is too young to be without me and also that I'm still breastfeeding and he relies on that.

Our son does go to a childminder and manages during the day while he's there but the minute I turn up he is desperate for a feed. He also still wakes twice or more during the night for a feed. Sometimes it takes an hour to settle him back to sleep, sometimes only 15 minutes. I have never been away from our son for a night and when I have gone out for a few hours over bedtime and my partner has put him to sleep he cried himself to sleep (in my partners arms) after half an hour, then woke every hour until I got home.

My partner thinks I'm being totally unreasonable and that our son doesn't rely on breastmilk anymore as he eats food so he should be able to take him away without me.

I'm interested in your thoughts mumsnetters...

Whether it's relevant or not our relationship is on the rocks and not going well at all at the moment unfortunately, however, I always remain calm and measured with my words, even when he raises his voice or gets angry with me

Please don’t go OP. He can go and see his granny on his own.

Look up prohibitive steps order

No - it's a full sentence.
Hide your son's passport.

I think the risk is too great that your son may be abducted and the costs for you to try and get him back, both travel and legal, would be prohibitive.

There is a chance that your son would be left for his family to bring up “the Brazilian way”, even if your partner did return to the Uk.

Also it’s such a long distance away and a nightmare plane journey with an infant, not to mention drastic change in diet and surroundings and long separation from you.

If your partner wants to see his Gran after a family rift, why doesn’t he go on his own to see her and they can Skype with your son together.

No way! I wouldn't want to be apart from my baby at that age, especially at that distance. Some countries have funny laws too that favour the father and so if there is even the slightest risk he wouldn't bring him back don't risk it. My mother was in a similar position to you and she wouldn't allow it for fear of not getting us back. We travelled with her to see ailing relatives - you either go or it’s a firm no.

Not a chance in hell. He's trying to do a runner with your child!

I think you can alert the passport office, so that they tag the child's passport and they are unable to travel without you. I'm sure information about that would be on the Passport website.

You are doing the right thing in being cautious for your own and your child's safety.

@Juells me too :(
OP really worried for you. Please keep your little boy close and don’t trust his dad. It just stinks to me, as someone else said how do you know it is even true about his grandmother?

No way. Don’t let him go. Don’t go at all. Hide those documents. Preferably in a safe place outside of the home. Hire a safety deposit box somewhere. This sounds like a set up to me. Do you have any proof the gran he’s not speaking to is even sick?

and a fella who would think it ok to rip a BF little one away from his mum for a trip overseas, when you’ve never been apart, is not a good or suitable person. I don’t care what anyone else says. This could traumatise your son if you let him go. He’s never been away from you!! At least start smaller with one night away.

I wouldn’t let your ds go even if you go with him. If you don’t trust your partner and your relationship is rocky this is ringing all kinds of alarm bells. A friend of a friend is stuck in a South American country because she went there with her partner then she couldn’t leave with the child as he wanted to stay. Can’t remember if it was Brazil or a different country. She’s stuck there with no family or friends because if she comes back to UK she can’t bring her child back with her.

This sounds very dodgy
Also I think it is theoretically possible that a parent can claim a child's passport is "lost" and get a replacement issued. Assuming he is not British himself I think unlikely he can do this but I have read on here before that you can apparently ask the passport office to put a marker on a child's record to stop a parent doing this. Not sure if that's actually true.

I live in another country, with my dc. It's a non Hague country.

My ex is unhappy about all of this but has ultimately come round. His legal options should the dc & I ever disappear from view are pretty much non existent. His access with the children is also entirely subject to my cooperation - if I ever withdrew it, he'd have no chance of enforcing it - because where I live now would have no interest in aiding a non resident parent. No Hague, not getting involved.

I'm not obstructing contact at all. But I very much could without reprisals.

Having been steeped in 'leave to remove' & 'prohibited steps order' - I'd say be very very wary.

You will have very little redress if your dh takes ds & chooses not to return.

I'd second suggestions to safeguard PP & BC. & check out if he could get a Brazilian PP without either.

Sunshinegirl

Reunite International reuinite.org - call them - they were fantastic and discrete. They deal in taking kids abroad..

NO way would I let him go without me. Why can’t you go?

NO NO NO. No way.

I didn't breastfeed any of mine, but over my dead body would I have let them out of my sight for a day at that age, never mind a week in Brazil.

NO way would I let him go without me. Why can’t you go?

Her going doesn't mitigate the danger. She wouldn't be able to bring the child home if the father objects.

I Wouldn't do it. This happened to my Aunt about 8 years ago. Husband took the two eldest children (boy and girl) to their home country and never returned with them. She was left with the two youngest children (boy and girl) in the UK. He knew all along he was not returning to my Aunt. His family had set him up with a job and house. And although my Aunt has contact with her eldest kids (she travels back home) they never returned. My Aunt is one strong lady but the things she went through, nearly broke her. Her ex still dips in and out of the UK but has never brought the kids back. Fortunately for my Aunt, she's from the same country so she was able with a lot of help from her family over there to fight to see her kids (on his terms). Her eldest children have done incredibly well but due to the stress my Aunty was under, the two youngest have had a harder life.

I wouldn't trust a man who is not on the same page as you when it comes to your child.

Outing myself as a Brazilian:

He would struggle a lot to get a passport for your DS within the time frame. It usually takes a good month to schedule for a passport, plus another week for it to arrive. Additionally, he would need many documents to require a passport... Is DS even a Brazilian citzen?

Yellow Fever: There is a very effective vaccine for that. My brother and I were vaccinated shortly after birth.
Malaria: Only a problem in the northern regions, and this is an assumption, but I'm thinking he's from the southeast.
Dengue and all others: a problem, but it is the dry season in most of the country.

But by all means, don't allow him to go (especially if your partner is going to Rio!). The trip is so long, exhaustive and there will be definitely a culture shock, even for a baby, starting from the weather.

The first thing that came to my mind is: why not skype? My gran passed last year while I was away at university. We skyped during her entire stay at the hospital.

No chance.

Just get Skype set up. Will save a fortune in travel costs too.

I have a 1.5 yo breastfed baby... absolutely no way would I leave him for 1 night ...
why can't you go with him?

Sorry just saw your update !
I wouldn't go , I'm sorry but I just wouldn't

It’s a no from me. Not a chance. If he decides to stay, your essentially fucked.