Partner wants to take 1 year old son to Brazil without me

[Sunshinegirl18]

Very sadly my partners grandma has recently been diagnosed with cancer. She's in her 90's and due to a family rift he he hasn't seen her for many years. As a consequence she also hasn't met our son who turned one in February.

My partner wants to take our son to Brazil on his own to meet his grandma as it may be the only chance she gets to meet him.

I'm not a heartless person. I understand the situation is a horrible one to be in.

I've said our son can't go without me coming too. My reasons are he is too young to be without me and also that I'm still breastfeeding and he relies on that.

Our son does go to a childminder and manages during the day while he's there but the minute I turn up he is desperate for a feed. He also still wakes twice or more during the night for a feed. Sometimes it takes an hour to settle him back to sleep, sometimes only 15 minutes. I have never been away from our son for a night and when I have gone out for a few hours over bedtime and my partner has put him to sleep he cried himself to sleep (in my partners arms) after half an hour, then woke every hour until I got home.

My partner thinks I'm being totally unreasonable and that our son doesn't rely on breastmilk anymore as he eats food so he should be able to take him away without me.

I'm interested in your thoughts mumsnetters...

Whether it's relevant or not our relationship is on the rocks and not going well at all at the moment unfortunately, however, I always remain calm and measured with my words, even when he raises his voice or gets angry with me

Just no.
Let your partner go alone and he can teach his grandma to skype why he's there and hide your sons passport, birth cert etc. Trust your instincts and be paranoid.

I'm actually filled with fear just reading this thread :(

Yes, get all the info you can.

My son is automatically eligible for a passport from his father's country.

Take care he doesn't get him a Brazilian passport behind your back (I don't know their rules, if this is possible).

Would be a no from me.

Skype

In DP thinks you're being ridiculous, and your relationships is on the rocks, don't even contemplate going with them : this will be NO protection : you won't be allowed to leave Brazil with your son if his Brazilian father wants him to stay.

He assures you he wouldn't do that? Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?

Absolutely never would I let my Child of 10 months go to Brazil without me... I've been all over Brazil .. with work.. it's a very dangerous place.. and if he doesn't want to come back... no Law in the land will make him... particularly as he doesn't want you going too.. Alarm Bells are ringing so loud the Moon can hear them Lady

also.. secure your Baby's passport in a very safe place ... fast

I would say no. Your baby needs you to feed. If you and your baby still enjoy breastfeeding why should you be forced to wean in this abrupt manner. It would be painful for you to your breast would swell up if you tried to drop all those feeds at once. Your baby has an emotional bond with you and this could be harmed if forced separation. Read up on separation anxiety as your baby may punish you. Your partner is being selfish and putting his gran ahead of you and your baby's feelings. I would say you all go or your partner goes alone. YANBU he is. What if he did not bring your baby back. There is little you could do when he is so far away.

No way would i agree. Your son is still a baby and needs his mum and is still bf. Also sounds like he has a lovely bond with you. I would also be worried about possible abduction. If your son has a passport can you hide it or get other family to keep it safe? To ensure he doesnt do a runner with the baby? He can go and see his grandma but your baby is far too young.

Where's the rest of the story? Why aren't you going too? Relationship on the rocks right now doesn't automatically rule that out.

...and birth cert

And what Iflyaway said.

This is important.

Nope.

What Iflyaway said. And get legal advice too.

To those mentioning birth certificates, anyone can order these online. Definitely don’t leave them hanging around to make it easy for him but be aware if your son is eligible for Brazilian citizenship, be aware that your DP can very easily get hold of a birth certificate.

No way. Get his birth certificate and passport (if he has one) out of the house and securely kept somewhere where your boyfriend cannot get access to. Do that immediately.

I have a suspicious mind. Your partner could apply to get your ds a passport without you knowing if he forged your details. I would apply for passport for son but not tell your partner. Then stash passport with a trusted friend. If you hide it at home he could still find it. Even if you went all together if you argued over there he could refuse to let you leave with your son. Don't go and don't let your ds go.

Absolutely not. It wouldn’t be fair on your baby. Going from never spending a night without his mother to several nights without you would be traumatic for your son.

No way YANBU

I don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship , but to me,no

Absolutely not

No - not without you. Definitely.

No no no. Very good advice on this thread. Take it. If your partner genuinely just wanted his child to meet his dying grandma, surely he would be GLAD to have you along to breastfeed/ deal with the sleepless nights / let him have some peaceful family time? This would be true even if your relationship wasn’t going all that brilliantly, I think.

As others have said, the breastfeeding is the least of it. (In a different situation I have found it possible to go away for 3-4 days with an older baby and resume on coming back after pumping.)

Thank you everyone for your replies. You don't know how much I appreciate you all taking the time to write on my post.

The abduction thought is something I have considered in the past so called a charity which supports single parents who gave me some brief information on processes and procedures including a prohibited steps order.

As some of you have said, my partner states he would never abduct our child, and is shocked and appalled that I could ever think that.

However, due to his behaviour throughout our relationship I don't trust him.

In answer to some of your questions. My answer when he said he wanted to take our son to meet his grandma was "well I'll need to come too then". So he didn't suggest we all go, then tried to unpick my reasons in regard to why I thought it wasn't feasible for him to take him on his own.

Like some of you I also feel very strongly this would be very upsetting and traumatic for my son. He has suffered from seperation anxiety from around 6 months and I have built a very strong attachment with him. We have no family or close friends nearby so there has never been an option for him to be with anyone else for any extended period of time. I have gone back to work just two days and it has taken several months for our son to settle in with the childminder.

The more I think about this the more I think he is just thinking about himself and his grandma and not about our sons needs. As a friend has put it "Always son first", well that's how it should be anyway.

So currently I have said I am happy to go with him and obviously our son will come with us.

After reading all your posts in becoming more and more unsure about this due to many concerns that I may not be allowed go return with my son once we're in Brazil.

I will hide the passport and birth certificate even more tomorrow, although I don't think he would have any idea where it currently is.

I will search and try and find some advice lines to contact tomorrow. I think it was ginger bread I called in the past who recommended someone else.

Thank you again for all your replies. It's very much appreciated. He thinks I'm being very unreasonable so I wanted to turn to the good people of mumsnet to seek your opinion.

Need a hug right now!

As everyone else has said, don't allow this, and don't go with him. It would be the work of a moment for him to get your child away from you in Brazil and refuse to surrender him. You would have no chance of bringing him home. Please don't take this risk. You don't even know if the story about the sick GM is true.

good for you OP.. as soon as you step foot in Brazil.. you are governed by His countries Laws... and he will manipulate that... stay focused.. and be very aware of his movements and actions prior to him leaving.. I'd be concerned he takes your Baby out of Childcare without your knowledge..