Partner wants to take 1 year old son to Brazil without me

[Sunshinegirl18]

Very sadly my partners grandma has recently been diagnosed with cancer. She's in her 90's and due to a family rift he he hasn't seen her for many years. As a consequence she also hasn't met our son who turned one in February.

My partner wants to take our son to Brazil on his own to meet his grandma as it may be the only chance she gets to meet him.

I'm not a heartless person. I understand the situation is a horrible one to be in.

I've said our son can't go without me coming too. My reasons are he is too young to be without me and also that I'm still breastfeeding and he relies on that.

Our son does go to a childminder and manages during the day while he's there but the minute I turn up he is desperate for a feed. He also still wakes twice or more during the night for a feed. Sometimes it takes an hour to settle him back to sleep, sometimes only 15 minutes. I have never been away from our son for a night and when I have gone out for a few hours over bedtime and my partner has put him to sleep he cried himself to sleep (in my partners arms) after half an hour, then woke every hour until I got home.

My partner thinks I'm being totally unreasonable and that our son doesn't rely on breastmilk anymore as he eats food so he should be able to take him away without me.

I'm interested in your thoughts mumsnetters...

Whether it's relevant or not our relationship is on the rocks and not going well at all at the moment unfortunately, however, I always remain calm and measured with my words, even when he raises his voice or gets angry with me

Brazilian non-compliance with the Hague Convention. Do not let him go.

Not a chance , please don’t do this.
He needs to be with you as the primary care giver.

I would also be deeply deeply suspicious of this and would be worried he wouldn’t bring him back. Please don’t let your son go abroad without you/ he is far far far too young for that kind of shock.

If a concern, I would hide passport too

Yellow fever and malaria according to google. Plus still breastfeeding. Not a snowball's chance in hell I'd let my baby go without me. In the circumstances I wouldn't want it to go anyway, too dodgy.

I've just checked and Brazil does not have a good reputation for adhering to the Hague Convention and is accused of regularly siding with Brazilian abductive parents. Double not a chance.

90s Grandma gets to meet DC. Vs. Possibility of losing your child???

Not a tricky one. Not a chance in hell he goes.
May not even be a really good thing, beyond the first 10 mins, for v. elderly and I'll Grandma.

Skype. Send cards made with DCs ' help '. Sent photos. Send good wishes.

Don't send your son.

My first thought was that he might be planning on not coming back. Interesting that other posters have thought the same. It just seems really suspicious that he’s so anti you going, even when you’ve offered to join. My concern now would also be that he could essentially do this any time he’s left alone with your son. If your son does have a passport, make sure it’s somewhere safe like with your mum. If he doesn’t, apply for it ASAP to stop him from doing so. And take please take legal advice.

A million times no. I would trust my partner 100% with our children however no way could i spend anymore than a night of 2 away from them and certainly not anywhere I couldn't get to him should there be an emergency.

Even if it was an ultimatum I would split up before I let him go in your circumstance.

Why does he not want you to come?
I would not let my husband take my son away that far for that long at that age... and we have a good relationship and hes a very good dad! I just wouldnt want my child going that far away to somewhere that was potentially dangerous without me. Even if it was with the other parent!! I think many mums would be the same.... and dads for that matter. I dont think either of us would take our children that far away at that age without the other parent being there. Its just not really fair on the other parent in terms of anxiety.

Its also quite odd that he doesnt want you to come?

Of course he can't take a 1-year=old breastfeeding child alone halfway round the world without his mum there.

Do you think he's trying to do a runner with his son? (I've had similar threatened with my son too).

Have a look at the website www.reunite.org/

They have lawyers on there specialised in this type of thing.

Not a chance in hell. Stuck to your guns OP

Is he saying he doesn't want you there. Or are you saying you won't go or let DC go either?

Does your son have a passport? Do you know where it is? Could someone look after it for you?

Can’t believe anyone would think you are being unreasonable. Absolutely no way would I be comfortable with this either. He’s still too little and regardless of whether he actually needs it or not he still breastfeeds and that’s important to him and you at the moment, and there is nothing wrong with that. I can’t believe he’s genuinely suggesting taking him thousands of miles away the first time you properly leave him. I appreciate the sensitive situation but stick to your guns.

I would not agree to this. I'd fear he won't come back. A categoric no. Too young to go so far and away from mummy IMO.

It seems odd that he hasn't seen his GM himself for years but now suddenly meeting your DS is that important. IMO you either go with DP or he goes alone. Why do you even need to ask? He can take photos and videos or set up Skype when he's there so she can see DS.

Sorry he hasn't bothered to visit this person in years, she is now dying and he needs to go.... Fine but no way would i permit my child to leave the UK

So he wants to take your child to meet a woman he hasn't seen in many years when your relationship is on the rocks?

No fucking way.

If your son has a passport, destroy it or take it somewhere where he can't find it. You will not get your child back if he doesn't come back with him.

Only if you don't care whether he comes back or not? Even if you go would you have the right to leave with DS.

Do not go - however court would probably overrule that IME so try to do it amicably or disappear.

No - absolutely. You go too or your baby doesn’t go.

I had All this and it ruined our marriage. You relent now and he’ll feel empowered to take son without you whenever he wants. Needs of you and baby trump his dgran.

He’s wee so you go as a pair or not at all.

Oh just read your post properly re your relationship. Nooo way.

Wouldn't even consider this for a second. Just wouldn't happen.

Agree with those saying get the passport and birth certificate stashed safely, somewhere your partner has no possibility of access to. In different premises.

Oh yes, and give the Brazilian Embassy a call. I went on holiday there with my son and heard that the other parent had to give permission for this. (We were divorced by now and he'd gone back to his own country - not Brazil).

As a Brazilian national he might need your permission. Do get as much info as you can to strengthen your position.

I wouldn’t let him take him without you. It will be traumatic for your son and for you.

Absolutely not. It sounds like you don't want to be apart; he's very young and still breastfed, and I'd be worried about a possible abduction too.