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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone elses DH hijack their life?

93 replies

soundslikeballons · 09/04/2018 13:14

So I've been sick, all night period pain related, day off sick and he's here... snoozing in bed, he has a headache..

I had a kidney infection, he had a back ache

I get a pulled back he will have a cold (well a few sniffs)

But it doesn't end there, I book to do something with the girls, fitness related (day out) make it clear "its with the girls" next thing I know he's rallied a team and he's joining us?

Am I alone in this? or is a common DH trait it seems to be getting worse the older we get?

Moan over

OP posts:
Dvg · 09/04/2018 13:22

i get it must be incredibly annoying XD Although at the "next thing I know he's rallied a team and he's joining us?" I did Awww to it :D

He doesn't want to be away from his lady! Hahah but i do understand that it would get on anyone's nerves if it happened all the time. i think some people forget that even though they are in a relationship there still separate people :D

QueenOfAccidentalDeathStares · 09/04/2018 13:24

ulgh, sounds suffocating.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/04/2018 13:39

Oh god. He'd be under the patio.

You have a thing going on? But but but that makes it all about you. What about meeeee? How can I make it about ME instead?

AnyFucker · 09/04/2018 13:40

Ugh

Original poster
soundslikeballons · 09/04/2018 13:48

Rabbit thats exactly what it's like.. it's driving me literally spare and we are not in a great place right now and its getting worse.

I'm sat here feeling ill looking at holidays I can go on alone..

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/04/2018 14:11

Are you in a bad place because everything is about him, i.e. he is a selfish person?

Nothisispatrick · 09/04/2018 14:17

No my DP doesn't do that

GnotherGnu · 09/04/2018 14:25

I get this behaviour with illnesses. If I have something infectious wrong with me, DH's first response is never sympathy, it's always "I hope I don't get it". But there's a definite undertone of "I really hope I do get it" - because, sure enough, he usually does (or claims he does) and it's always SO much worse for him than it was for me, natch.

However, happily he doesn't try to piggy-back on things I do for myself out of the house maybe because they're too boring and I must say I really value the fact that we recognise the need to give each other space to do our own thing.

MaryThorne · 09/04/2018 14:29

Not my DH but DM's DP. It has to be all about him. If ever I want to have a mother-daughter catch-up, it has to be engineered very carefully so that he doesn't get offended/upset.

Original poster
soundslikeballons · 09/04/2018 14:29

Rabbit–I would say yes but getting more so in the last couple of years, more needy, attention seeking, sulky and almost more childlike the closer he gets to 50 the worse it's getting...

didn't know if it was a common thing.. or just my bad luck

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/04/2018 14:32

Not normal. Not common.

Sparkletastic · 09/04/2018 14:35

That would do my head in and my marriage would not survive in that type of dynamic.

KittTheCar · 09/04/2018 14:35

Mine is very clingy and I find it intensely irritating. So you have my sympathies.

I have spoken about it with him and he just seems insecure or something, I tell him, I was super independent when we met, I need to go off on my own sometimes. Doesn't like it. He's very lovely in many ways, no one's perfect.. I mean I can be a right pita and he puts up with me!

LimonViola · 09/04/2018 14:37

Not normal at all. If either of us have a thing planned with our same sex friends (we both have friends of both sexes) it's assumed it's a 'girls night' 'boys weekend' unless explicitly invited. He sounds extremely suffocating.

What does he say when you bring this up?

HyenaHappy · 09/04/2018 14:38

No. Can’t you tell him to unorganise his group that he’s arranged to tag along on your day out?

DH and I do lots together and have many mutual friends but, crumbs, we each have our own lives too.

Tell him to stop being so clingy.

Original poster
soundslikeballons · 09/04/2018 14:41

When I bring it up he sulks.

I actually say to him this event was with my girlfriend, she's shy and anxious and just wants to do this event, so I said I would... I said It's just us, just girls and he kept saying "oh it would be fun" "I'll do it" I've maybe said 4-5 times no.

Then this weekend in front of a large friend group he mentioned it, another chap said sounds fun, and he said yeh book me in so I could hardly pull him up in front of everyone I'd just look petty.

I don't own the event can't stop people coming, but I'm actually really really upset he's done this..

Now if I say something it kind of ruins the whole day and I look like the idiot.

OP posts:
Original poster
soundslikeballons · 09/04/2018 14:43

This sharing sickness thing has always been the case, Its a running joke, but I think it's just the event that's actually tipped the scales for me.

OP posts:
Maria1982 · 09/04/2018 14:46

You are not an idiot! And I think it’s really unfair he brought it up in a group setting like that - he was banking on you letting it go to avoid embarrassment, even though you’ve told him no several times (and explained why, not that you have to explain why you want time alone with your friends as an adult!).
I would be really pissed off and having word with him. And don’t let him play the upset card - he has upset you!

LimonViola · 09/04/2018 14:47

You need to learn to stand up for yourself a bit more.

When he brought it up at the party you laugh and say 'don't be daft, I told you it's a girls day!'. Let him be the one looking silly, he's the one trying to use being around friends to make you look unreasonable saying no and therefore wheedle his way in!

Like you say, you can't prevent people attending, so you can say 'what you do that say is up to you but don't expect me to travel with you or hang out with you when you're there, I want to spend time with my friend on our own'.

Though tbh if you're having to rely on 'well I can't technically stop him' in your own marriage instead of him actually listening to and respecting you, you have major problems!

esk1mo · 09/04/2018 14:48

stop telling him in advance when you have something planned. just say “im off out now with X,Y,Z, see you later!”

Original poster
soundslikeballons · 09/04/2018 14:55

I have to stand up for myself you are right.. I question if it's normal as it's left me feeling unreasonably frustrated and I can't understand why it's made me so angry, and upset. It does feel petty, and I keep thinking it will be fun, it will be OK. But the fact is I had it planned in my head as a couple of hours away.

And now I'll be the one trying to work out what we do with our DS while we are both out, where as my plans were all sorted.

OP posts:
LimonViola · 09/04/2018 15:02

Why are you the one trying to find childcare? You made plans assuming he'd be with his father. Then his father decided to make plans. It's his responsibility to sort out his son's care.

FluffyPersian · 09/04/2018 15:03

No, it's not normal.

He's banking on you feeling embarrassed or not wanting to 'rock the boat' and him bringing it up with others around was deliberate.

Don't tell him any details about the event and if he does come with others, ignore him - literally, ignore him. Tell him again that you don't want him to come, that you want to spend time with JUST your friend and if he ignores it, then that's his choice.

Also, why do you have to work out what to do with your DS? Surely he can do that, you already had plans - let him pick up the slack and sort out childcare!

I'd find his behaviour incredibly suffocating and if he didn't stop it, I'd be leaving the relationship......

Original poster
soundslikeballons · 09/04/2018 15:12

He would leave both DS home and I don't like doing that.. so I will have to find someone to watch them or bring them with me.. to sit out the event..

He kind of gets away with it because everyone thinks he's nice and I'm the bossy one, so if I'd kicked off it would of made me look really bad in front of friends..

You are right though he did it knowing that our friend would want to sign up.. If i pull him on it he will say "I didn't mean it, I didn't realise" and then sulk and say " fine I'll cancel" then Id have to explain of our friend why..

It sounds awful doesn't it.. now I'm writing it down

OP posts:
HarryLovesDraco · 09/04/2018 15:15

He's very selfish and controlling. It's not acceptable.
How old are your kids?