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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone elses DH hijack their life?

93 replies

soundslikeballons · 09/04/2018 13:14

So I've been sick, all night period pain related, day off sick and he's here... snoozing in bed, he has a headache..

I had a kidney infection, he had a back ache

I get a pulled back he will have a cold (well a few sniffs)

But it doesn't end there, I book to do something with the girls, fitness related (day out) make it clear "its with the girls" next thing I know he's rallied a team and he's joining us?

Am I alone in this? or is a common DH trait it seems to be getting worse the older we get?

Moan over

OP posts:

Clutterbugsmum · 09/04/2018 16:20

I do try and avoid making him sulk, because he's taking anti depressants, but I feel like these are now an attention seeking device.. Of course he using his 'depression' as an excuse to control you.

How old your DS, is he old enough to be left alone. If not I would find some one to look after him so he is safe.

Then when at the event I would totally Ignore him, I would go to the event either by myself or with my friend. If he came up to me at the event I would tell him loud and clear in front of his friends that as you explained to him that you were doing this event with your friend and he was not welcome, but he insisted on doing it, so he can jog on and do the event with his friend. And if when he gets home he going sulk then he can find somewhere else to stay i'm fed up with him and his childish behaviour. And as nearly 50 and it is not attractive at all.
Then leave him be for the rest of the day.

Original poster

soundslikeballons · 09/04/2018 16:25

He has good reason to have trust issues I had an EA a few years ago–TBH it was just a great friendship but we did stray into talking about our other halves and deleted messages, which defined it as something it shouldn't of been, was an escape for me to have someone who listened but I'm NC with that person now, I recognised it wasn't healthy.

But he knows the details about this and I've been honest with him, and we are working through lots of issues.

But this one has really tipped me right back into feeling frustrated, I'm tired and have been sick overnight so feeling emotional and wanted to check in that I wasn't been unreasonable to want to do this event independently.

OP posts:

Duckswaddle · 09/04/2018 16:27

Sounds suffocating to be honest, I wouldn't be able to live in each other's pockets like that. He sounds like a pain in the arse.

MarvelleGazelle · 09/04/2018 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dozer · 09/04/2018 16:33

Your past affair is not a reason for this abusive behaviour, which might well have even predated the EA? You just played into his hands!

Original poster

soundslikeballons · 09/04/2018 16:36

Thanks Flying–The EA wasn't hidden if that makes sense, it was a joint friend we got on well, it was in the open mostly so nothing to "discover" as such it was very obvious we had a great friendship and didn't hide it, just overstepped with messages which I stopped, so kind of fizzled out and then he was out of my life as quickly as he appeared..

I miss that friendship it was an escape like you say potentially part of a bigger overall issue.

OP posts:

soupforbrains · 09/04/2018 16:37

I would start not telling him the details of plans.

Say "I'm meeting up with Emma on the 17th." if he asks what you're doing just say you're not sure, that 'Emma' is making the plans and is going to let you know. OR I'd outright say we were doing something different and then let him know there was a change of plan once it's too late for him to do anything about it.

The key thing though, is that you shouldn't HAVE to do any of this. he should respect your space and privacy and appreciate that you can and should have a life that includes activities away from him and not just with him.

Has he always been possessive/jealous? or is it something that has developed? Could it be that he doesn't ever think of things to do with his buddies and then when you say what you're doing he realises that he's not seen his friends for a while? from what you've said it doesn't sound like it, but you know. trying to keep an open mind a little.

MarvelleGazelle · 09/04/2018 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dozer · 09/04/2018 16:43

suggest noting incidences of his behaviour being unreasonable, simply for yourself. It’s likely he does other things that you have ignored or not found as irritating.

Original poster

soundslikeballons · 09/04/2018 16:54

Yes flying I got crap for it, it's why he's on antidepressants, that's my fault..

I could name lots of instances where he's controlled situations as i'm starting very slowly to recognise it. I'm going to keep notes.

OP posts:

Tenpenny · 09/04/2018 16:56

It reads to me like he has no respect for you and is very manipulative. Insisting he creates joint plans with you and then sulking when you dont want them is a very controlling kind of behaviour. Its too overbearing.
And having to "one up" illnesses - its basically him saying, "I dont care how you are, i only care about me".
He doesnt care, Op. Id have a good think about your future.

billyt · 09/04/2018 17:19

Hi soundslikeballoons,

as a bloke I am embarrassed by your OH's attitude.

He is a controlling, possessive cunt. Sorry, but it will only get worse.

You either need to sort him out very quickly before you lose all you friends etc or you need to realise this will be your life moving forward (and it won't be a life I would accept)

HarryLovesDraco · 09/04/2018 17:20

Was this friendship an escape from his controlling suffocating behaviour by any chance?
The antidepressants are very convenient. A stick to beat you with and a tool to control you with!

Thelampshadelady · 09/04/2018 17:21

Couldn’t put up with that. Me and dh lead very separate lives.
Love the time we spend together though.

Original poster

soundslikeballons · 09/04/2018 17:25

billyt wow well that woke me up, I have noticed friends drifting off over the last few years, there has been a big shift..

I can't define when this started maybe mid-life but I'm pretty aware of the fact I have choices to make.. I've been in limbo for a few years, but this one event has made me question lots.

I've actually had some great advice already it really helps put it in perspective, so feels a bit harsh then i realise I'm excusing his behaviours in my head, not wanting to upset anything.

OP posts:

Dozer · 09/04/2018 17:29

See if you can privately contact some of those old friends (not the EA one!) and re establish friendships.

Original poster

soundslikeballons · 09/04/2018 17:31

Dozer Arhhhh go on give me permission for that one :-)

I work a big job, main earner, so I'm working sometimes 12 + hour days so my time to go out is so limited.. Ive found it harder to maintain old friendships.. But it was on my new years list of things to do.

OP posts:

MarvelleGazelle · 09/04/2018 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

soundslikeballons · 09/04/2018 17:36

I've decided to talk to him later to ask him why he did it and insist he arranges childcare..

OP posts:

MarvelleGazelle · 09/04/2018 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oblomov18 · 09/04/2018 17:38

You keep major drip feeding: firstly about the AD's; then the EA.

I'm out!!

Original poster

soundslikeballons · 09/04/2018 17:47

Oblomv18 as you are out I'm sure you won't read this, but I've had some really eye opening advice here and great support, and the context of the AD and EA has been relevant to the posts..

I'm sorry if you feel it's drip feeding.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 09/04/2018 17:50

I Don't think either the EA or AD makes any difference to the advice given

OP still have the right to be independent and go out with her friends at the weekends. She still should expect her DH to arrange childcare

Neither are acceptable excuses for his behaviour

GeekyWombat · 09/04/2018 17:51

I wouldn’t worry OP. If you put too much detail in people will accuse you of writing chicklit. You literally can’t win.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 09/04/2018 17:55

My sisters husband is like your DH and it drives me bat shit. We were going for a girls day this weekend and he turned up and complained about our choice of lunch spot. Never mind her, I wanted to put the fucker under the patio. Men like that are just suffocating.

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