Anyone elses DH hijack their life?

[soundslikeballons]

So I've been sick, all night period pain related, day off sick and he's here... snoozing in bed, he has a headache..

I had a kidney infection, he had a back ache

I get a pulled back he will have a cold (well a few sniffs)

But it doesn't end there, I book to do something with the girls, fitness related (day out) make it clear "its with the girls" next thing I know he's rallied a team and he's joining us?

Am I alone in this? or is a common DH trait it seems to be getting worse the older we get?

Moan over

It's not kicking off to say something similar to what I did at all. Kicking off would be exploding in anger!

So once again the fear of explining to the friend has got you where he wants you.

Let him get sulky... let him cancel and then explain to the friend (if you think you have to)

"Oh Husband is so clingy and needy sometimes, despite me repeatedly telling him this was an acitivity I wanted to just do with my friend, he hates me doing things on my own so kept pushing to join. I know I should have reiterated this when he mentioned it in front of you, but didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable"....

I imagine he banks on you feeling embarassed / upset / uncomfortable so he get what he wants and your feelings don't matter.

If his behaviour was exposed, most 'normal' people would think he was in the wrong, not you.

It sounds awful because it is awful.

Sulking is shit. Do you try to avoid "making" him sulk?

Can you and your friend change your plan to something else? Or find a way to make your part separate to the bit DH is doing? Preferably without telling him. Like meeting up with your friend early for a drink but don't say anything until you are heading out of the door. And who gives a fuck if he kicks off and sulks because he failed to totally dominate your plans.

Sounds like lundy bancroft’s “Mr Sensitive”.

Why couldn’t you just tell him straight he wasn’t welcome on your outing with your friends?

Why would you have to organise the childcare when you made the plans and intended DH to do the parenting while you went out?

If he insists on attending, drop out and tell your friends that you have done so because your DH gatecrashed then refused to stay home and parent the DC.

So let him cancel.

You've told him no repeated times, is not on. And you having to find childcare? Just no no no.

Mine is clingy but he accepts he's being unreasonable and tries not to look too sad as I waltz off...

His behaviour is not on.

It’s insiduous, controlling behaviour.

Let him cancel- make him cancel.

He's bang out of order especially as your friend doesn't do stuff like this much. He's putting himself ahead of her just because he doesn't want to let you out without him. It's not reasonable and it's not fair. Don't let him.

I do try and avoid making him sulk, because he's taking anti depressants, but I feel like these are now an attention seeking device..

I won't let my friend down she very nervous and I've committed to support her–but I can be sure to not be in the same place as him and make it clear I'm not happy.

I thinking I will actually raise it later this evening and tell him I'm not happy, you are helping so much making me realise my frustration isn't silly.

Still don't know what I'll do about the DS's they are 14 and 9, we do leave them for short trips out but this could be upwards of 2-3 hours and both taking part in an event and won't be contactable so it doesn't sit with me at all to leave them 20 minutes away with no contact for 3 hours

Needy, selfish, and controlling. He knew your wishes and chose to do what he wanted anyway. Everything is about him. His wishes are more important than yours, and he doesn’t really care what you think. Tell him straight out you do not want him there, do not arrange childcare, clear off to your friends early. A four year old would be less trouble.

This would drive me insane. Why would he want to gatecrash every event? It's suffocating! Does he try and monopolise your time when you're there, or does he just want to keep an eye on you, do you think?

I wouldn't even tell him my plans in future. Just say you're going out. If he asks what you're doing, refuse to say and tell him why. Some things are worth taking a stand for. I would be happy to tolerate some sulking to regain my freedom.

It's manipulation of the highest order and it sounds exhausting. What would you do if you had a sulking 5 year old? You wouldn't give in or back down just to restore peace. You'd teach them that sulking achieves nothing. Do the same with him although he's obviously old enough to be told that there is little that is as sexually unappealing as a sulking adult

You could stop telling him what your plans are until you're walking out the door. Or say 'I'm out on Friday but I'm not telling you where in case you pull your normal trick' but that doesn't solve the problem. I think that the next time he tries that manipulation shit in front of other people, you say 'we've had this discussion. I told you that it was an outing for me and my friend, that isn't going to change simply because other people are here'. He does it because he knows it works. Stop giving him that positive outcome. And although you're not in control of an event, you are in control of being able to travel there alone and not spending any time with him at all while you're there.

My DH loves coming out with me and my friends but only if other husbands/partners have also been invited, or he'd feel like a spare wheel. I have regular things I do with certain friends each month (meals, cinema, coffee etc) and it wouldn't even occur to him to ask to come. I'd struggle if it were any different. I don't know how you're coping with it.

Lol I had rather major eye surgery this, came around and he was moaning about his eyes. I have to admit I laughed at him.

I'd never tell him my plans again until I was ready to leave. But then, I dumped anyone who sulked immediately. Fuck that. I don't even take that from my kids.

Controlling and abusive man. I suggest you look into the practical aspects of ending the marriage sooner rather than later. His behaviour is not acceptable and you are absolutely right to resent it.
Because this isn't down to him being a poor fragile little thing who just can't bear to be without you. This is about him grinding you down and trying to force you into accepting that he is the 'person' in the house and you are an accessory, so you may not do anything without involving and prioritizing him. Men like this get worse, not better.

you'll lose your friends if he keeps on doing this

or is that his plan?

MY DH does this but only with days out. It's bloody annoying. He's even coming with me and my DDs to a Taylor Swift concert FFS. I thought we'd be safe there!

Dozer I've just read - Lundy Bancroft I've never come across such an description but he is "the victim" I could of just put his name in front of it and it would be him.

I'm just recovering from the lack of sleep last night with pains I'm going to tell him straight that I think he was being selfish and he's in charge of the DS.. and I don't want them left home.

Keep your arrangements with your friend and let DH make his own arrangements.

Tell him he's to drop the kids at X before he leaves

Crack on as normal

MagicJay that made me laugh!! I tried that with a nightclub, he hates clubbing but on no he came to that and hated every second...

I may have to try Taylor Swift

I think you could and should have called him out in front of his friend - I would have done. I’d go further and say if he refuses to cancel you should make it very clear to him that he is not welcome and you will make no bones about saying so to his friend at the event, and mean it.

It’s time you made him uncomfortable.

I think you should have said in front of his friends that it's just a girls thing and you need to be more firm and nip it in the bud if he ever suggests going to something you don't want him to go to.

How about when you have to tell him he can't go to something, you could suggest how about we do x the weekend after just the two of you or something?

To me it sounds like he is either a bit needy and wants to be with you all the time or perhaps he is a bit insecure/anxious about what you do when he isn't around?

He sounds suffocating and controlling. Seems like you literally cannot do anything without him there, keeping you close at heel. Childcare is his responsibility, you can’t let your friend down.

Lundy is good.

So you’ve identified his “type”, which is a type of an abuser. It’s unlikely that he will change, unfortunately.

Glad you told him he was staying home. Don’t be surprised if he somehow sabotages these or your future plans though.