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Original poster

I'd like my mother to park the past behind her

82 replies

SMJYellow · 09/04/2018 08:52

My mother and father seperated a long time ago and no divorce ever happened. He moved out from the family home nearly 20 years ago.

Life went on for all of us and through the years we were all on speaking terms with our father.

A lot went on in the past between my mother and father and father displayed an incredible amount of selfishness during their time.

Fast forward to all these years later, and he's in financial difficulties with his bank and facing repossession. This is coming down to an alcohol addiction. Its a big fat sorry mess. His family (brothers and sister) is cross to the situation that came about but they are helping and I'm on board too.

I visited my father and had a chat. I told him that I will help in any way I can. I held his hand and we shed tears together. He reassured me the family home isn't in danger. What he needed was a hug. Not for people to turn their backs on him.

What's happening is incredibly stressful all around, he doesn't need people to hammer home how shit he's been.

My mother is telling me to save my sympathies for him and someone like him doesn't change. I don't want to hear this. I felt so much yesterday while I sat with my father. I felt he was genuinely sorry for all that happened. He never said it but it was there from him. What happened in the past happened then and it should be parked.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 09/04/2018 08:54

Well they are separated. I'm guessing she has quite rightly run ojt of sympathy and needs to focus on her own well being. What you choose to do is up to you.

FlatTopVera · 09/04/2018 08:59

You and your mother have totally different expectations, experiences and relationships with your father.

Neither of you can expect the other to behave in a given way. It is cruel of you to expect your mother to pretend those difficult times meant nothing and can be forgiven.

It is cruel of your mother to try to persuade you not to support him: she has ‘warned’ you and that is where the criticism should end.

Both of you need to navigate this situation separately and accept each other’s stance. This is not a journey you need to take together.

For what it’s worth, there is NO WAY my ex husband would EVER have support from me. NEVER. But I would support my children in helping him, if that’s what they needed to do.

category12 · 09/04/2018 09:01

You can park it, but your mother can make her own mind up - it's really not for you to judge her. To be cynical, she may well have seen his "woe is me" phase before, many times.

If you want to help him and support him, that's your choice. Just do that and don't expect her sanction.

QuiteLikely5 · 09/04/2018 09:01

Is he sober?

ALittleAubergine · 09/04/2018 09:05

yes, is he sober now OP?

thethoughtfox · 09/04/2018 09:09

Could it be that your mum protect you from a lot of the heartache and stress caused by living with him? Addicts lie and are devious; they can't help it. It makes sense she is worried you will start giving him money etc and being taken advantage of. Besides, her cutting herself off emotionally from him is not the same as 'people to hammer home how shit he's been' And he hasn't actually said sorry or made amends for the wrongs of the past.

Tread carefully, OP.

HeddaGarbled · 09/04/2018 09:10

I think your mum is right to protect herself and that you should be careful, too. You can be supportive without getting completely sucked in.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/04/2018 09:12

Does your mom still live in the marital home? I expect she's worried he's going to come after "joint assets"

Look, they've been separated for a long time. She owes him nothing. I'm not quite sure why you'd think she does.

rainbowdivine · 09/04/2018 09:13

I think you may be in more of a position to judge when you've been in her position. I'm pretty sure you have NO IDEA what your mother has had to put up with. As usual, the poor helpless defenceless victim "daddy" gets all the sympathy and mum who has had to put up with all the shit gets judged and made out to be the bad guy!

I suggest you have a rethink

BitOutOfPractice · 09/04/2018 09:14

And if I was your mother I wouldn't believe his "assurances" that the family home isn't in jeopardy. I'd be taking advice to protect myself. The PP who says that addicts are often manipulative liars who will do anyone over for their addiction is right.

Clutterbugsmum · 09/04/2018 09:16

No your mum doesn't need to the past behind her. Your anger is misplaced, YOUR dad is the alcoholic whether he is drinking or not, HE is the one causing the financial issues, but it will be your mum that suffers the consequences again because of his behaviour.

If I was you I would be encouraging your mu to sort out the divorce ASAP and the house she living in so she is protected from your dad shit behaviour.

InfiniteSheldon · 09/04/2018 09:19

Be as sympathetic as you like to your dad but don't fail to appreciate how hard he has made your mum's life and how much she has done for you. Don't expect her to sympathise she has no need to and clearly doesn't want to. Keep the relationships separate. I'd also think long and hard about your expectations. Are you secretly thinking she should help him? Or support him? If so you're in the wrong he's had his share from her used it abused it and shat on it.

StealthNinjaMum · 09/04/2018 09:21

But how can she put the past behind her when she's legally still his next of kin?

I think you need to show her the same compassion that you have shown your father.

Aussiebean · 09/04/2018 09:41

I am tending to agree here.

She is the wife of an alcoholic while you are the daughter. These are very different dynamics.

It’s possible that there is a lot you don’t know about their relationship but she has every right to withhold support from him based on her experiences with him. She can certainly ‘let it go’ but that doesnt mean she has to place herself in his line of sight.

You also have the right as an adult to do what you feel you need to do for your father.

Don’t involve her in the details, there is a chance she is worried about you based on her experience.

Help him with your eyes wide open but don’t ask her to support your decision. She has to deal with her own past. You can’t do it for her.

Joysmum · 09/04/2018 09:49

I agree with your mother. She’s reached a stage of having no hope and having to protect herself, now she sees how all this is drawing in her kids and of course she’s going to warn you to beware.

You say about parking the past but that past if the present too. She’ll have seen the effects of his alcoholism numerous times because so the past (as you put it) is his present. You can’t park the present.

Maverick66 · 09/04/2018 09:54

An alcoholic will tell you what you want to hear.
I know that sounds harsh but until he seeks help for his alcohol addiction there will be nothing you can do to help.
Yes, he will promise you the sun moon and the stars. He himself, will believe, what he is telling you.
But, in the end the addiction will win him over.

As others have said your mum put up with his drinking and more than likely shielded you and his own siblings from the extent of his problem.

Until he seeks help I would do as AA teaches 'detach yourself lovingly'.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2018 10:00

SMJ

I actually think your mother is right, such men do not change and he is simply telling you what you have so wanted to hear for a long time.

I would not invest any more of yourself in him than you can afford to lose. None of you can help this man really although you would all like to think that you are and could help him. He has to want to help his own self, you all could actually hinder any recovery by continuing to shield him from the consequences of his actions. There is a fine line between helping and enabling and none of you are remotely qualified to help him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2018 10:03

What you felt yesterday re your dad were your own feelings on this situation. Your trying to rescue him will be your own downfall here.

Help your own self before trying to help others like your dad (who really does not want your help or support here). Seek support from Al-anon for your own self instead and learn more about codependency and the dynamics surrounding addictions.

greendale17 · 09/04/2018 10:12

**No your mum doesn't need to the past behind her. Your anger is misplaced, YOUR dad is the alcoholic whether he is drinking or not, HE is the one causing the financial issues, but it will be your mum that suffers the consequences again because of his behaviour.

If I was you I would be encouraging your mu to sort out the divorce ASAP and the house she living in so she is protected from your dad shit behaviour.**

^I agree with this.

And don’t believe for a second that the house is safe. Rather the opposite I imagine

SevenStones · 09/04/2018 10:45

I would advise your mum to get legal advice about the house - she needs to protect herself from him as it seems clear that the family home is in danger.

Cricrichan · 09/04/2018 11:08

Yes an adult and he's has over 20 years to change. There's nothing you can do.or say that will make him change. He lost his family and missed out on your childhood because of his alcoholism. Don't you think your mum wants to try and spare you the heartache of a lost cause?

MsGameandWatching · 09/04/2018 11:18

I was married to an alcoholic who basically created utter chaos around himself and for those close to him. As the person in a marriage with him I was the one most affected. Our children were protected by me from it all and his family only too glad to push him off onto me. Life was hell and he destroyed my mental health and financial security, I will never really recover. I am afraid I too would warn my children not to get too close and I would never be able to put the past behind me where he is concerned. He's too dangerous and manipulative to be given even a centimetre of forgiveness or grace.

MsGameandWatching · 09/04/2018 11:25

Oh and I wouldn't believe a word of what he says e.g about the family home not being at risk. Addicts will say whatever they need to to keep family members supporting them practically in their addiction.

Original poster
SMJYellow · 09/04/2018 12:13

Thank you for the replies.

I read them all.

I remember a lot of what went on in the past in my youth. There was his drinking and infidelity. I remember so much and there were many bad times. Life went on and I was able to put so much behind me. He softened over the years. And now here we are now today.

Down through the years, I saw he softened. He did drink but throughout the years it wasn't as heavy. I can see that it goes much, much, much deeper. Loneliness probably played a part and there was company in the pub. He has arthritis and drinking to ease pain probably came into it. His business dried up. He should have had a sizeable portion of his mortgage payed off then. He did have another source of income from rent. His property has three separate housing areas. He lived in one and rented the other two. Money would have been tight and he fell behind. Whatever he was getting went in the wrong direction but I can see why. I believe he wasn't opening his mail for a long time. He knew what them letters were but he just couldn't face it or handle alone. The more he got, the more he ran from it. He was sinking and he knew it and he was too proud to speak up. All of that played a part. It's not the right answer but it is what it is.

I understand where my mother is. Don't expect her to run to him now and offer sympathies. I don't expect her to help. I understand that she is trying to protect me and my siblings from bailing him out and getting caught up in this sorry mess.

I'm not in a position to help my father financially especially considering the sum of money that is involved but I do want to be there for him. And help him.

What I saw yesterday, was a different man and someone who was deeply, deeply sorry. He wasn't saying things to lie to me. To fool me. Nothing like that. He's not smoking any more. He's vaping. He's staying out from the pub. I'm very worried. There was a strange feeling. There was an eerie feel to the place as he was cleaning. No one there to help. This is rock bottom for him. I'm worried. He asked for every one. My mam and all my siblings. It felt to me as if he was trying to make peace with everyone. I'm worried sick.

The family home will be OK. I'm certain on that. We got help and advice on that. That place is OK.

What I need my mother to do is ease up on the negativity from the past. I need my mother to help me, help him as best as I can.

OP posts:
SevenStones · 09/04/2018 12:20

If you want to help him, then help him. I think it's unreasonable for you to expect your mother to be dragged into this, and to say you need her to help you help him. If you've actually said this to her then it's emotional blackmail. You do what you want to do, and leave her to do (or not do) what she wants to do.