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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'd like my mother to park the past behind her

82 replies

SMJYellow · 09/04/2018 08:52

My mother and father seperated a long time ago and no divorce ever happened. He moved out from the family home nearly 20 years ago.

Life went on for all of us and through the years we were all on speaking terms with our father.

A lot went on in the past between my mother and father and father displayed an incredible amount of selfishness during their time.

Fast forward to all these years later, and he's in financial difficulties with his bank and facing repossession. This is coming down to an alcohol addiction. Its a big fat sorry mess. His family (brothers and sister) is cross to the situation that came about but they are helping and I'm on board too.

I visited my father and had a chat. I told him that I will help in any way I can. I held his hand and we shed tears together. He reassured me the family home isn't in danger. What he needed was a hug. Not for people to turn their backs on him.

What's happening is incredibly stressful all around, he doesn't need people to hammer home how shit he's been.

My mother is telling me to save my sympathies for him and someone like him doesn't change. I don't want to hear this. I felt so much yesterday while I sat with my father. I felt he was genuinely sorry for all that happened. He never said it but it was there from him. What happened in the past happened then and it should be parked.

OP posts:

Dancingleopard · 09/04/2018 13:53

It’s funny how people want to make peace when they need help isn’t it. Why didn’t he reach out before ??

Original poster

SMJYellow · 09/04/2018 14:14

Juells,

She never fell out with my father. She was always on good terms with him. She is shy on the phone and doesn't like phone calls so she doesn't phone him.

She has problems with the rest of the family and has fallen out with the rest of the family - me, my mother, two brothers. Not with my father.

I think it would be good if she could visit him and say hello to him. She is good with him.

OP posts:

MsGameandWatching · 09/04/2018 14:17

Yes we've had the Rock Bottom It's Different This Time situation more than once. Even the Good Bye Remember I Always Loved You And Am So Full Of Regrets thing too. So you step in to help because how can you not? It's your Dad/Son/Husband/Brother after all. Let down every single time. He gives just enough to get helped back on his feet and then off he goes again wiping his feet on everyone on the way to the drink he now feels entitled to because "well I am sorted now!" He got sorted just enough to justify drinking again and he took YOUR resources to do that.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/04/2018 14:24

Why do you think it would help your sister to visit your father?

Original poster

SMJYellow · 09/04/2018 14:25

Yesterday was not a 'woe is me' from him.

There's are a few drunks in the local town and they are sorry excuses for human beings. They are always at it and they look like a proper disgrace.

My father is different. There were problems with alcohol in the past when we were young. Fast forward to this day, its been years since I saw him not being able to stand from alcohol. He wasn't always in the pub but he did go regularly all the same.
I really do think for my father, in recent times - going to the pub went much deeper.

loneliness and seeking company in the pub
easing pain away
with the recent revelations and development: he knew he was sinking with the bank and anxiety would have came into it and it was a vicious circle from there. The more mail that came in, the more he knew he was sinking and it was all too much and he couldn't face it or handle it alone.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/04/2018 14:27

Everyone who drinks has reasons to drink.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/04/2018 14:31

Do you really believe that a person is only an alcoholic if they are a smelly old tramp who can't stand up?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2018 14:34

SMJ

You are at risk of setting your own self on fire to keep someone else i.e. your dad warm. You are falling into the trap that many such enablers fall into; this whole wanting to rescue and or save the alcoholic from their own selves. You cannot do it but you are nowhere near that particular realisation yet and your recent perceptions of him may well be wrong. It took your mother a long time to figure that out as well.

Is your dad really all that different from those drunk people in town whom you describe so disparagingly?. He may not be in town drunk every day but he has a commonality with those same people; they are alcoholics.

Sparkletastic · 09/04/2018 14:43

I think you need to look after yourself and try attending some Al-Anon meetings. You can't save him - no-one but himself can do that. Your mother needs to consult a solicitor urgently and get a divorce. She will be liable for his debts otherwise.

Original poster

SMJYellow · 09/04/2018 14:47

Yes we are attending solicitors all the same and I'm working with my uncles on the matter too.

His house will be sold and that will be paying down on his debts.

OP posts:

Original poster

SMJYellow · 09/04/2018 14:48

'smelly old tramp who can't stand up'
Lol

OP posts:

Movablefeast · 09/04/2018 15:03

I don't think alcoholism is funny SMJyellow, I think you are in denial and desperately want to see your dad in a certain light. He chose to do everything that has lead to his current situation. Don't enable him to manipulate you.

Sn0tnose · 09/04/2018 15:06

smelly old tramp who can't stand up'
Lol

I hope you're laughing in desperation and not genuine humour, because the only difference between them and your dad is that they're a few miles further down the road than him.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/04/2018 15:21

His house is 50% your mother's if they are married. Is anyone helping her with solicitors and getting a final financial settlement?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/04/2018 15:23

You keep avoiding the big questions.

Has your dad stopped drinking completely?

Is he actively engaged in a recovery programme?

Have you yourself engaged in any programmes for the families of alcoholics?

annandale · 09/04/2018 15:30

Why did he suddenly volunteer that the family home wasn't at risk? Why would it be?

Okaynowimconfused · 09/04/2018 15:41

Just because your sister never fell out with your father doesn't mean they had a good bond. I never fell out with my father, yet I was absolutely disgusted with him. He was also an alcoholic and caused so much hurt and fear.

And as your sister grew up perhaps she gained a different perspective of your father. Realised the things he did were wrong and chose to distance herself from him without making it a public announcement.

And people don't just turn their backs on their parents. They usually have valid reasons.

Everyone is vunerable and a "different person" when they realise they have lost almost everything and everyone.

What do you actually want people to do? Particularly your mother? If I was you I probably wouldn't discuss this with your mother anymore. And it sounds like she is warning you.

It sounds difficult OP and I get that you want to help him. He is your father and you hate to seem in need of help. There's nothing wrong with that. But don't expect others to be the same.

MimpiDreams · 09/04/2018 15:43

Sounds like you've been sucked in by a manipulative alcoholic and are unhappy that your mum won't allow herself to be sucked in with you.

Listen to your mum, she knows what she's talking about.

LanaorAna2 · 09/04/2018 16:26

SMJ - he's got you scared. Be careful - this is a tough thing to say, but getting you over a barrel and doing things for him, beholden to The Threat, may be exactly where he wants you.

Ask your mum if the subject has ever come up before.

I'm no expert, but given he appears to be planning to rebuild his life with help from others that he's asking you to get for him as no one will go near him, I'm not sure he's entirely suicidal.

No one can tell though, and it's not your place or your responsibility to make a judgement call, so ring his GP and tell them.

I assume he's still drinking. No point in rehab if he doesn't want to stop, but the GP can help with the mental health stuff. Which takes the burden off your shoulders - it shouldn't be there.

Tenpenny · 09/04/2018 16:43

Agree that your dad needs to seek professional help and your mum should separate herself financially and make sure the family home is safe. They should be divorced.
You are not responsible for your dads wellbeing, he cannot expect you to be either.

sunshinesupermum · 09/04/2018 16:48

I really don't think you can have expectations from your mother to help him now. What you do yourself is up to you.

pointythings · 09/04/2018 16:51

As the soon to be ex-wife of an alcoholic I can tell you your mother will have very, very, very good reasons to keep her distance from him and to warn you to do the same. But from your responses thus far, it seems you will have to learn this the hard way.

Don't push your mother to do anything at all. Allow her to feel and express in any way she wants to. Respect her past, do not try to wipe it away - it is as real as your present.

CookieDoughKid · 09/04/2018 16:55

There is no need to bring your father up in conversation with your mother. I mean, you need to draw the line here. Its harsh but you are totally unreasonable to expect anything from your mum in this respect. Support your father where you can but don't ever forget he's been extremely selfish and abusive for years.

Original poster

SMJYellow · 09/04/2018 18:01

The family home was in jeopardy and that's our my mother is dragged up in all this.

We sought advice from a solicitor and I sought further clarification from my uncles as to what the full picture is.

The pressure has been taken off the family home and things are getting sorted and I'm working with my uncles.

OP posts:

MsGameandWatching · 09/04/2018 18:46

You sound like you're getting a lot out of coming to his rescue. This is natural. He, having prioritised alcohol over you and your siblings for so long means that you've probably been starved for his affection and interest over the years. It must feel amazing to hear all the things you've wanted to hear; him relenting and appealing for help from you, you're finally important to him.

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