I'd like my mother to park the past behind her

[SMJYellow]

My mother and father seperated a long time ago and no divorce ever happened. He moved out from the family home nearly 20 years ago.

Life went on for all of us and through the years we were all on speaking terms with our father.

A lot went on in the past between my mother and father and father displayed an incredible amount of selfishness during their time.

Fast forward to all these years later, and he's in financial difficulties with his bank and facing repossession. This is coming down to an alcohol addiction. Its a big fat sorry mess. His family (brothers and sister) is cross to the situation that came about but they are helping and I'm on board too.

I visited my father and had a chat. I told him that I will help in any way I can. I held his hand and we shed tears together. He reassured me the family home isn't in danger. What he needed was a hug. Not for people to turn their backs on him.

What's happening is incredibly stressful all around, he doesn't need people to hammer home how shit he's been.

My mother is telling me to save my sympathies for him and someone like him doesn't change. I don't want to hear this. I felt so much yesterday while I sat with my father. I felt he was genuinely sorry for all that happened. He never said it but it was there from him. What happened in the past happened then and it should be parked.

What I saw yesterday, was a different man and someone who was deeply, deeply sorry. He wasn't saying things to lie to me. To fool me. Nothing like that

This may be the first time you have seen him like this but, speaking as someone who has had a relationship with a functioning alcoholic, I doubt it's the first time your mum has seen him like that. Your mum has reached the end of the line. I very much doubt that was a decision she came to easily and I suspect it involved a great deal of heart-ache. I also suspect it was a decision she made to protect herself and probably also to protect her children. Please respect that. You seem to have a lot of sympathy for your dad but none for either your sister or your mum.

He can completely 100% mean what he says in the moment but still be full of crap.

Is there any sign of action to back up the heartfelt words? That's the big test.

What treatment is he having? Has he stopped drinking completely? If so, for how long? Has he taken steps to divorce your mother so she can have a separate secure financial settlement? What is he doing not saying but doing.

For Christ sake STOP blaming your mother, she did not DRAG this all up She is protecting her HOME from your USELESS FATHER.

The only person who you are not blaming any off this on if the person who created all this mess, from you mum home to your sister being how she is.

YOU are so determine to have every one to bow to YOU WANTS that you are prepared to sacrifice your relationship with your mum, your sister and the rest your family who have been there for you over the last years for your dad who by the sound of it has been so wrapped in his own business and the bottom of the bottle.

What I need my mother to do is ease up on the negativity from the past. I need my mother to help me, help him as best as I can.

I don't think you can ask this of her at all. Alcoholics can be incredibly manipulative and incredibly convincing. I would bet that she's seen it all before, and suffered from it all before. It is really not fair for you to ask her to forget all this.

One time in a hundred, the leopard -does- change its spots.

On the offchance that your father really is close to death, let him know that you love him. You have to painfully accept that your mother went through hell and that she doesn't want to go back there and that is justifiable. He is your father, and that never goes away, but he is the partner who betrayed her in many ways. She'll never be the same woman again.

I think you need to tell him you love him, be there as far as you can but not give more than you can afford. There's a phrase, to "let go with love".

You can care for him as far as you are able, but you can't pull other people in.

I hope you reach a peace with him, he wasn't there for you but he was still your father.

Your mother knows him better than you and it sounds like she has her head screwed on.

You sound like your completely enmeshed in your alcoholic dad's head games.

Leave your siblings and mum out of it. If you want to try to rescue your old man, do it, but don't ever expect anyone else to want to do the same.

Alcoholics know how to manipulate, he's doing it to you right now.

I feel quite sorry for your Mum. She's had to deal with so much shit from this man over the years, had to raise her children single handedly because presumably he couldn't and wouldn't, and now he is still making all of his problems everybody else's problems. And now her children are adults, she can't do much to shield them from his dramas.