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Original poster

I'd like my mother to park the past behind her

82 replies

SMJYellow · 09/04/2018 08:52

My mother and father seperated a long time ago and no divorce ever happened. He moved out from the family home nearly 20 years ago.

Life went on for all of us and through the years we were all on speaking terms with our father.

A lot went on in the past between my mother and father and father displayed an incredible amount of selfishness during their time.

Fast forward to all these years later, and he's in financial difficulties with his bank and facing repossession. This is coming down to an alcohol addiction. Its a big fat sorry mess. His family (brothers and sister) is cross to the situation that came about but they are helping and I'm on board too.

I visited my father and had a chat. I told him that I will help in any way I can. I held his hand and we shed tears together. He reassured me the family home isn't in danger. What he needed was a hug. Not for people to turn their backs on him.

What's happening is incredibly stressful all around, he doesn't need people to hammer home how shit he's been.

My mother is telling me to save my sympathies for him and someone like him doesn't change. I don't want to hear this. I felt so much yesterday while I sat with my father. I felt he was genuinely sorry for all that happened. He never said it but it was there from him. What happened in the past happened then and it should be parked.

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 09/04/2018 12:20

Your mother is through with helping him though, and you need to respect that.

She's probably done her time of worrying and caring and hoping and being disappointed. If you want to go thro that particular arc with him yourself that's up to you. You can't expect her to go with you or support you through the process.

Original poster
SMJYellow · 09/04/2018 12:23

Two of my siblings have turned their backs on him. One of my brothers sees things like me. He wants to help but financially not so much. It's harder for him too. He's across the world. My sister is a mess of a person and not speaking to the rest of the family. I thought I was doing a decent thing letting her know what the situation was but within minutes she started giving out on the phone. I want to encourage her to visit Father but she's so negative and all about her own feelings and problems. He doesn't need that.

OP posts:
Original poster
SMJYellow · 09/04/2018 12:29

What I meant about needing her to help me help him -

I need her to ease up on what went on in the past and the negativity that goes with it.

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 09/04/2018 12:33

It's valid for you to ask her not to talk to you about the past. (She's probably just trying warn you tho as she sees you getting sucked in like she did). But it's equally valid for her not have to listen to you talking about him. Why not agree not to discuss him at all?

How your siblings choose to deal with him is up to them and it's not for you to encourage any of them to see or speak to them.

HeddaGarbled · 09/04/2018 12:34

I'm afraid that he is using you as his flying monkey with both your mum and your sister. You must leave them to make their own decisions.

Isetan · 09/04/2018 12:35

What I need my mother to do is ease up on the negativity from the past. I need my mother to help me, help him as best as I can.

Your mother is as much entitled to her negative feelings as you are your positive ones. At most, you can ask her to not discuss him with you and you can show her the same respect in return.

My DD loves her father and will no doubt want a relationship with him in the future. I have tried to fascilitate a relationship between them but he isn’t interested, I see that as my responsibility to her because she is a child. However, when she is an adult I will leave any overtures to establish a relationship up to her and hope she respects that my relationship with him is different and won’t try and persuade me to deny my feelings about the man, which are separate from hers.

I wouldn’t spit on my DD’s father if he was on fire and I can totally see him reappearing in the future feeling sorry for himself.

I think your expectation that your DM helps you support your father is too much and and not respectful of her feelings.

SevenStones · 09/04/2018 12:39

I want to encourage her to visit Father

You are being totally unreasonable.

I need her to ease up on what went on in the past and the negativity that goes with it.

A good way to do that is to not talk to her about it and to leave her alone where this issue is concerned.

BewareOfDragons · 09/04/2018 12:40

I don't think you have the right to expect your mother to let her past go, which is what you are asking. You also seem critical of your siblings that 'turned their backs on him', which isn't your place to judge.

Your father abused alcohol, cheated on your mother, and brought chaos into her life. And into your life. And into your siblings' lives.

If you want to forgive him and help him now and move on, that's your decision.

But everyone else in your family is entitled to make their own decision in that regard, too. And, frankly, I'd probably be on the other side of that decision like your mother and siblings.

Being the dutiful, still wanting that parent in their life child of a cheating, alcoholic is very different than being the wife of one I imagine. He broke his vows repeatedly to your mother, failed to face up to his addiction, and left her holding the bag by =the sounds of it. Yet you want her to forget her 'negativity' and help you help him?

I think you need to pull yourself up and leave your mother out of this. And stop judging your siblings. THey have every right not to want to deal with the man who brought nothing but heartbreak into their lives by the sounds of it.

LanaorAna2 · 09/04/2018 12:47

YABU. Are you worried he's going to commit suicide?

butterfly56 · 09/04/2018 12:57

Your father should be helping himself out of his own sorry mess brought on by himself.
He's an adult and should be left to make his own decisions and sort out his own sorry financial mess...e.g. sell his house to pay off his debts.
IME there is absolutely nothing to be gained from helping people like this.
As far as expecting your mother to help you help him.... YABVU.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/04/2018 13:00

If you want to try to rescue the alcholic, go ahead, it's your life.

Absolutely no way should you be pressurising other family members into re-engaging with an alcoholic. Don't even tell them what's happening.

He might be fooling you, he might not. Your mother has seen it all before and obviously thinks you are on a fool's errand. You cannot and should not try to talk her round.

My mother is telling me to save my sympathies for him and someone like him doesn't change. I don't want to hear this.
You not liking hearing it doesn't stop it being true.

Your mother will never ease up on protecting you from your alcoholic waster of a father. YABU for asking her to.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/04/2018 13:04

Btw, my alcholic family members are always very very sorry about the damage they've caused and have such heart rending tales of woe. All self-inflicted of course. All used as excuses to keep drinking and cause more damage.

Is your dad in AA or similar? Have you been to any Al-Anon meetings?

Sn0tnose · 09/04/2018 13:08

I need her to ease up on what went on in the past and the negativity that goes with it. If you want to be there for your father, then that is entirely your business. But it is not your place to make that decision for either your mother or your sister.

Your mum is likely to have gone though far more than you were ever aware of as a child. You might not be expecting her to provide him with any support directly but you've brought what sounds like an incredibly painful part of her life back to the surface again and on top of that, she's probably worrying that he's going to manipulate and hurt you and that she could well lose her home as well. You aren't a young child who needs protecting anymore. You're asking her for too much.

I think that the very best thing you can do to support both parents is simply not to discuss him with your mum anymore. If she asks, tell her all is fine and change the subject. If he asks about her, tell him to leave her in peace and not to do anything which might ease his conscience, but will only cause her pain.

Original poster
SMJYellow · 09/04/2018 13:24

That's in relation to my sister but aren't on speaking terms with each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
SMJYellow · 09/04/2018 13:30

Lanalor,

Yes - very much so. I am worried that he's going to commit suicide.

It's wasn't an act from him yesterday. I very much felt that he was trying to make peace. He was asking for the family too. This is it.

I'm afraid. He was remarkably calm for what is happening. Its everyone else who's going around completely stressed. Right now he knows he was shit. He's knows that backs have been turned. He probably feels that he is too much of a burden on everybody. On all his family.

OP posts:
Twogoround · 09/04/2018 13:31

As they are not divorce you mum is 100% responsible for his debt s and will have to sell or go bankrupt to pay them off .

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/04/2018 13:34

Your sister was damaged by having an alcoholic absent father. She's got troubles. Damn cheek of you to phone her letting her know what the situation was I bet she realised instantly this wasn't an innocent phone call. You had an agenda to drag her back into contact, push her into supporting your dad. No wonder but within minutes she started giving out on the phone.

Your priorities are so skewed it is almost comical I want to encourage her to visit Father but she's so negative and all about her own feelings and problems. He doesn't need that.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/04/2018 13:35

What are you trying to achieve?

Have you been to Al-Anon yet?

Have you read about co-dependency? Very common in children of alcoholics.

SevenStones · 09/04/2018 13:36

I feel it wasn't a very wise move on your mum's part to not divorce him.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/04/2018 13:36

What professional help is your father currently accessing?

dontknowwhatcomesnext · 09/04/2018 13:41

Oh, SMJ, I feel for you, I really do. I have a chronic alcoholic mother, drinking for literally as long as I can remember. I too have been concerned about suicide numerous times over the years (at least twice attempted, that I know of). Alcoholism is a tragic, destructive disease and mows down everyone in its path, loved ones especially. If you are going to attempt to be involved in your father's life, I beg of you to get yourself to an Alanon meeting or at least read through some of the literature. The "woe is me" is very, very much part of the alcoholic cliche and in fact feeds into the self-loathing that will, yes, you guessed it, justify their drinking again. If your father is not in a recovery programme, I would put the likelihood of him stopping after this period of time at virtually zero. ZERO. Watch yourself. You're going to need it. Of course it's not an act when he is in the midst of feeling sorry; that I believe. But that feeling sorry, without an active recovery programme in place, is no more helpful and possibly more hurtful than a disaster scenario. Agree also, as a solicitor, that I'm struggling to see how your family home is protected from his debts if your parents are not divorced, unless the family home is in a separate trust of some sort.

Juells · 09/04/2018 13:45

I want to encourage her to visit Father but she's so negative and all about her own feelings and problems. He doesn't need that.

FFS! She's rid of him, and you're trying to drag her back in. It must have been so difficult for her to extricate herself from the situation, and now you're trying to pressure her into being his support again.

He hasn't hit rock bottom, by any means. Rock bottom is 'out on the street', and alcoholics may need that to happen before they try to stop drinking.

He's working you.

I felt he was genuinely sorry for all that happened. He never said it but it was there from him.

When I read that I wonder if this is even genuine. He never said it but it was there from him. Bring out the violins.

Juells · 09/04/2018 13:46

...and your mother needs to check that the family home hasn't been re-mortgaged to bail him out.

RidingWindhorses · 09/04/2018 13:47

I very much felt that he was trying to make peace. He was asking for the family too. This is it

Peace on his terms now he fancies it. There may have been times in the past when the family wanted peace from him, and there was none.

Dancingleopard · 09/04/2018 13:52

SMJ beware.

I got in contact with my mother after 18 and she looked like a broke woman - time hadn’t been kind to her and I cried in the way home. Family told me to be careful and I felt like you.

Sadly nothing had actually changed at I’ve gone NC with her. Be very very careful about giving away your emotional energy.

Do leopards really ever change their spots - I’m not so sure...

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