My DP doesn't have a job and we're in financial trouble

[SoniaShoe]

I would really value the opinion of others seeing my situation on paper as I'm facing a really tough decision.

I've been with my partner (not married) for 9 years and we have 2 children. We both worked full time and our mortgage is based on both our earnings. He was very unhappy in his last job and he ended up losing it after making some mistakes and a disagreement with his manager. This was last June and I had just gone back to work after maternity leave, our childcare for our 11 mo DS had also just fallen through and it made sense for him to stay off work for a couple of months. So I changed my hours to full time (I was going back 3 days per week initially) and he didn't look for another job and looked after our DS and 5 yo DD full time. We calculated that with sticking to a budget and using our savings (my savings) we could do this until about November. I was fully on board with this (it was my suggestion). I thought it would be good for him to have some time with the kids while they were young, great for both kids to have their dad rather than childcare, plus a chance for him to take his time finding something he wanted to do.

As we approached November he didn't seem to be putting much effort into getting a job. He would email a couple of agencies every few days but that was it. As time has gone on he has put a bit more of an effort in but not much. He has been for 3 interviews since last summer. He still has no job and we have spent every penny we had topping up my salary to live and we are now completely skint and using a credit card to buy food as we need the money in our account to pay the mortgage and bills.

I'm so scared about having to sell our house but it's now looking like the only sensible option. It's all I've ever wanted and worked towards for the last 20 years. I know if I sell the house I will never own anything like this again (it's only a modest house but it's our children's home and I can't bear the thought of them losing it). I know our standard of living will be greatly reduced if we have to sell as rent is more than mortgage so we will have to move to a smaller house in a cheaper area. Our house needs a lot if work (which we can't afford to do) so we won't get the best price for it either.

He says he can't look for a job during the day because he's looking after our DS. But in the evenings he just watches tv or the football. I've had this week off and since last Friday he hasn't spent a single second job hunting. When I try to talk to him about it he turns on me and says I'm being unfair and that he's trying. I suppose I just want to know whether I'm being unreasonable or not or whether I should be taking control of the situation before it gets worse and sell up. The credit card bills are keeping me awake at night.

Is he aware of your financial situation, in full? How does he see it being resolved? How much money would he realistically bring in if he got a job, once you factor in childcare?

I'd be doing whatever it took to keep the house, and me and DH would prbably look at evening / weekend jobs / whatever - but that requires a partner who is on board. How does he see things panning out?

Has he registered as unemployed? Are you getting all your benefit entitlements?

Male or female, I'd say that's a shitty attitude to cost you your home. Unacceptable.

I'm very sorry.

What does he suggest as the solution to your financial difficulties when you talk to him? What does he think with regard to the prospect of losing the house? He needs to step up and help you to solve this, not bury his head in the sand.

Have you made it clear to him the dire situation you could find yourselves in if he doesn't get a job? Personally I would do everything I could to hang onto the house. Could any of your or his family help you short term?

He does know the figures the same as me. But he doesn't seem to have the same sense of reality as me. When we met (we were both in our mid thirties) I owned my own property and had a bit of money and a good salary from a good career which I had worked very hard at achieving. He had not progressed in his career and spent a lot of time travelling and had very few possessions. So when we settled down together he benefited greatly from my situation, and the house we now own is as a result of my previous flat and all the furniture is either mine from before or things I've bought since we've moved in. He's never had to work for any of it so maybe that's why he doesn't seem to get the situation we're in.

Yes I think that is what we should be doing essential. He talks about looking for evening/weekend work but he just doesn’t do it.

mrstoasty we did register for universal credit but we're not entitled to anything because of my salary. Our salary is based on both our earnings which is why we're now struggling.

I think you’ll havd to push this to the maximum to get this through to him

Tell him you’re phoning estate agents on Monday morning to get valuations & get the house on the market - tbh with his apathy I’d also tell him you & the kids will be moving to a rented house and he can do what the hell he likes

Are you claiming all the benefits you’re entitled to as he’s not working?

Can you job hunt for him?

You shouldn’t have to. But you shouldn’t have to lose your home because he’s a lazy feckwit either.

Is he good at being a SAHD? Or is he perhaps a bit depressed?

Sorry cross posts on the benefits

On the mortgage payments have you asked for a payment holiday or asked to move to interest only payments?

Thanks for your messages. It's good to get other's perspectives. He's just so defensive when I talk to him and acts like I'm nagging him and walks off so it feels like I'm in the wrong. I've been so patient and I know I'm not talking about it in a naggy way.

Sometimes he gets upset and apologies but I think he just thinks I'm going to bail us our somehow and I just can't do that this time. We've used up everything I had. Neither of our parents have money unfortunately.

I think he is burrying his head in the sand. Yesterday he was talking about booking a camping trip with some old school friends in June. And I said ok but the focus should be for him to get a job so we can pay for it as it would be mad to pay for it on a credit card and he got stroppy with me for being unfair to him! I can't seem to get through to him.

Bloody hell. In general I would always say present the problem not the solution as people are more likely to carry out plans they come up with themselves. So a discussion based on 'we are about two months away from losing the house' rather than 'how's the jobhunt' (I'm sure you have done this).

I have no doubt he struggled immensely with the awful end to his last job, but I am entirely with you that he HAS to find a way to work and that selling your house should be the last possible option, especially in this market. What's the financial gap? If he only worked hours when you are around so there are no childcare costs, what then? I assume you've talked to the mortgage company about a payment holiday or some kind of arrangement? Have Stepchange been any help?

If you’re not covering the bills currently you need to up the joint income if you want to keep the house. You’re very fixated on him getting back to work but sounds like something stopping him. Maybe depression or just wanting to be there for the kids. Do you live very remotely where there are no jobs? Maybe dh would prefer an easy delivery or catering role he could do in the evenings/weekends around what you do? Perhaps you could look into this for yourself if he won’t take the initiative. Minimum wage soon adds up if you can do a few hours a couple of nights a week and maybe one full weekend day. It’s not ideal and might sound like a lot of work and ‘why should you?’ But these kind of roles can be much less stress than a professional mon-fri role like it sounds as though you’re in and the change of pace can make it less draining. Also tips can really top up certain roles. Employment agencies could have one of you earning this extra immediately which might prevent you getting into impossible debt as it sounds like you’re doing right now. Even if you hated it and didn’t find it sustainable it could help keep bills paid while you sell if you feel that’s necessary. We’ve faced similar situations more than once and haven’t had to suffer too badly with this method. It’s also given me the gumption to improve my personal situation earnings wise and my extra jobs are now the higher paid roles while the mon-fri is more modest but more family friendly hours so I’m able to look after everyone at home as well as keeping us in the style we’d become accustomed to when both are able to work. Try not to get disheartened. The best thing to come out of this for us is our kids are so proud and inspired by the hard work they see put in and as a result seem to be very inspired by the example set which is turning them into such grateful pleasant and helpful people. They’re probably older than yours at this stage though. Maybe your dh will be inspired by your example too if he’s just being lazy.

I really feel for you.
Can you contact the mortgage company to see if you can extend the term of your mortgage to reduce the payments? At least that way you won't lose the house.

In terms of him I think you need to sit down with him and tell him he needs to get a job. Any job. Speak to nurseries and book your youngest a provisional place from a set date (e.g. One months time) and tell him he needs to be working by this point. If it were me I'd do anything to bring in the money, it doesn't have to be specifically what you've done before, but unskilled work (factory work? Supermarket work? Some kind of agency work?) to get back into working.

If necessary sit with him in the evening and update his cv. Look on job sites with him and get him to fill in applications. It could be he's now lost all confidence (or he's being lazy) but either way it sounds like he's going to need his hand holding to make him get off his arse, rightly or wrongly.

I can't seem to get through to him. you won't he got a cushy life now why would he get a job.

I would as said up thread arrange for the house to be valued, to be sold.

Then tell him in no uncertain terms that no money will be spent on anything other day to day needs and that means no holiday in June or any other time this year.

And as for him no be able to apply for jobs because of looking after your DC, Why can't he look after they have gone to bed all agency have on line job listing now days.

sasperella if we do end up selling the house I'll definitely be moving into a rented house without him. Our relationship wasn't perfect before but recently I've lost all respect for him for what he's been doing.

I look for jobs for him every day on the train to work. Most of them he finds excuses not to apply for. Some he does apply for he says.

He is a good dad and is doing all the washing, shopping and cooking too. I still do loads around the house and all the planning stuff which I'm fine with. He was ok with doing it initially and it worked well for a while but for the last 6 months he definitely seems a bit depressed and is touchy and snappy about everything- especially the job subject.

Thats a goid idea about the mortgage. We were in a 3 year fixed deal which ends in May which is another stress. Mortgage broker thinks we can get another deal with same provider just on my salary (even though it's more than 3x my salary) but it is probably not a good time to ask for a mortgage holiday if we want a new mortgage?

Hi. If he has paid enough contributions he can apply for jsa contributions even in a UC area. Push him to sign on if he isn't job hunting .... the work coach at the job centre will also then get on his case to job hunt / help with c.v. etc

annadale thanks for your suggestion. I think I should get him involved in looking for solutions, I tend to shut down and look after myself in times of trouble.

I haven't tried step change but I will look that up too. As well as try the mortgage company.

All your responses have made me realise I'm not over reacting!

How much are you short by each month? How much would childcare be - and tax credits if you’d then be eligible?

Are there any expenses you can cut? Internet/TV/phones/Netflix/food budget?

Have you talked with the mortgage company?

What is his solution- does he say?its ok for him to be defensive, but it’s not ok for him to ostrich.

mccanny That's a great idea. We live in a city so could do this. My job is long hours and full on and I miss the kids so it would make sense for him to do this kind of work. I don't think he's considered getting this kind of work through an agency., although hes looked into yodel and other delivery work.

You're definitely not over-reacting. My oh is about to lose his job and I live in fear of being in your situation. I have been helping him update his cv and sending him job ads etc to try to keep him going as much as possible. But financially he needs to realise that you're on your knees and he shouldn't be even thinking about holidays/camping until he's back in work and you're in a financially better place.

It's tricky though as the thing is with extending the mortgage term etc you will just be enabling him. He won't give a shit that you'll be paying it off longer with more interest. This is really difficult as how can you force him to step up and work? Even if you persuaded him to get a pizza delivery job 3 evenings a week he would probably jack it in after a month.

From what you've said about him wanting you to bail him out etc - are you sure he'll ever change? Feels like you'll go through life feeling like his mum.

You need him to be an equal partner, and if that means stepping up when finances are stretched then that's what he needs to do, as a big grown up person who cares about his family.

How will you feel in 10-15 years if he's still not jobhunting?

itscurtains i think I do need to hand hold him a bit more through this. I just don't understand why he's not spending the time or effort on it. He has lots of energy for other things, just not this.

nosqirrels it's about a grand a month we've been overspending. We could cut that down though. Childcare would be about a grand so he would need to take home more than that if he did a 9-5. Bit if he did evening/weekend work There are no childcare costs.

He says he's looking and there are no jobs. He's a surveyor (not chartered, which is the problem) with lots of experience so I can't understand why he can't get anything.