My DP doesn't have a job and we're in financial trouble

[SoniaShoe]

I would really value the opinion of others seeing my situation on paper as I'm facing a really tough decision.

I've been with my partner (not married) for 9 years and we have 2 children. We both worked full time and our mortgage is based on both our earnings. He was very unhappy in his last job and he ended up losing it after making some mistakes and a disagreement with his manager. This was last June and I had just gone back to work after maternity leave, our childcare for our 11 mo DS had also just fallen through and it made sense for him to stay off work for a couple of months. So I changed my hours to full time (I was going back 3 days per week initially) and he didn't look for another job and looked after our DS and 5 yo DD full time. We calculated that with sticking to a budget and using our savings (my savings) we could do this until about November. I was fully on board with this (it was my suggestion). I thought it would be good for him to have some time with the kids while they were young, great for both kids to have their dad rather than childcare, plus a chance for him to take his time finding something he wanted to do.

As we approached November he didn't seem to be putting much effort into getting a job. He would email a couple of agencies every few days but that was it. As time has gone on he has put a bit more of an effort in but not much. He has been for 3 interviews since last summer. He still has no job and we have spent every penny we had topping up my salary to live and we are now completely skint and using a credit card to buy food as we need the money in our account to pay the mortgage and bills.

I'm so scared about having to sell our house but it's now looking like the only sensible option. It's all I've ever wanted and worked towards for the last 20 years. I know if I sell the house I will never own anything like this again (it's only a modest house but it's our children's home and I can't bear the thought of them losing it). I know our standard of living will be greatly reduced if we have to sell as rent is more than mortgage so we will have to move to a smaller house in a cheaper area. Our house needs a lot if work (which we can't afford to do) so we won't get the best price for it either.

He says he can't look for a job during the day because he's looking after our DS. But in the evenings he just watches tv or the football. I've had this week off and since last Friday he hasn't spent a single second job hunting. When I try to talk to him about it he turns on me and says I'm being unfair and that he's trying. I suppose I just want to know whether I'm being unreasonable or not or whether I should be taking control of the situation before it gets worse and sell up. The credit card bills are keeping me awake at night.

SoniaShoe does he know that if you do have to sell & move into rented he’s not in the picture? Would that get him to see the severity of the situation if you haven’t spelled it out to him?

You’re 100% not over reacting at all, sounds like he has his head totally in the sand about this

I have said that to him but he thinks I'm being unfair.

I've just talked to him about the employment agents for evening/weekend catering work and he said he will go tomorrow.

You've helped me put my foot down a bit thanks all!

mccanny if you have any specifics about agencies or work that you've used that would really help. Thanks

Would you have to move into rented? Could you afford a small flat for you and the DC on your own salary? Not ideal obviously but why should you sacrifice the major long term benefit of owning property because he doesn't want to work.

Frankly, if he can't get his professional day job and you are putting 1k a month on credit carda then he needs to be working in restaurants, bars, supermarkets in the evenings and weekends. Or is he too good for that?

Is this credit card debt in your name or his?

I'd have lost all respect for him I'm afraid. Is it practicable for you to downsize, without him. Don't jump into rented.

The credit card is in my name.. I think he has felt too good for that work he's expecting the perfect job to land on his lap I think.

Yes I could afford a cheaper property by myself. That may be my best option..

He doesn't even have a pension so he's planning to live off me even in our retirement!

Please don't use a credit card any more. You will just be sinking deeper and deeper into debt. Cut your budget as far as you can go, maybe contact stepchange re a DMP so it does not affect your mortgage. How much do you spend on debt repayments each month? If you did not pay those can you afford the mortgage and essential bills like council tax, utilities and food?

I can't believe there's no work for a surveyor (depends where you are I guess). The company my DH works for are constantly trying to recruit people with experience.

Lots of agencies also do that kind of work. Will ask DH which ones they use.

As for your DP I wonder if it is time to tell him to pack his bags. He sounds worse than useless and more of a hindrance than a partner. Trouble is you wont get any child maintenance off him but as you are not married at least he cant get half your house.

It depends on where you are, but I just wanted to add in reply to your post about the hours hes looking for.

I have been looking for a part time job, probably since the end of summer last year and the pickings are very slim, when it comes to the shift patterns. And I’m not looking at specific sectors (though I do have a preference but still).

Most shift patterns are during the weekday, office hours. And any that would potentially work for us, the contract is too little - 12-16 hours. So by the time I were pay out for travel for eg, it wouldn’t be worth it.

I think it’s the attitude that you (he) needs to work on though, if you say he is burying his head in the sand. Could you give him the responsibility of managing the finances for a month so he can see it for himself?

Let him work out how to get the shopping etc after all your bills are paid, let him figure out how you can reduce spending.

In terms of active job searching however, I don’t think there’s much of an excuse that you can’t do it during the day.

Assuming he has a smartphone, all he needs to do is save a job search on indeed and review the new jobs added daily. It takes me about 15 mins per day. It’s literally at his finger tips, while he has his morning coffee.

If he saves his cv to indeed, then the actual applying tends to be just a click of a button and your cv is sent. The jobs that require you to complete a full application can be saved for evening time.

Additionally, he can spend 5 minutes in the evening to check other sites like local authority etc. He doesn’t need to contact agencies exclusively, theres not much they can do that he can’t tbh.

Getting the job is difficult, but actively looking isn’t.

Don't take on another penny of his debt onto your credit card. You will be stuck with it and potentially a bad credit history if he swans off into the sunset.

Can you imagine how you will resent not buying the children decent things because you are still paying off his debt 3 years into life as a single parent?

His attitude stinks and I feel like his lack of care suggests a complete lack of respect for you and all the things you've worked hard to achieve. This is not a compromiseable situation. Either he finds a job, or you leave.

Definitely agree that you should get the house valued and look for a property suitable for you and the children to buy rather than rent.

By the way, all this trouble he's had finding a new job, do you think maybe it is related to this:

He was very unhappy in his last job and he ended up losing it after making some mistakes and a disagreement with his manager.

Is the reality there that he got sacked and he hasn't got good references?

You've kind of glossed over, sugar coated and minimised what sounds like a bad situation. Which makes me wonder if you are always required to do that or else he gets defensive, so it happens even here with an anonymous audience. Also your worry about being a nag while he massively takes the piss.

I missed that he was a surveyor. Is he qualified? We are desperate for qualified surveyors in my firm and we have a network of regional offices.

When I needed to get a job I made myself apply for five jobs every day. If he has a plan then it makes it easier to stick to, he has to find five, he has to make his cv fit and he has to apply. I had been a stay at home mum for a long time and I was a scared but I did this and although the first job I took didn't pay well, it was a job

He doesn't want to work.. he's doesn't even care that you're close to losing everything because he knows your the backbone... you'll stress so he doesn't have too.. and you'll cover all the finances...

he's at it OP....

I've been in this situation OP, you have my sympathies. DH lost his job just as I was stepping into a long- dreamed- of freelance role. After 3 months I couldn't stand neither of us having a guaranteed salary and took a very demanding job, but it took a full 12 months before he got himself going. We paid childcare throughout because he was always about to get work. In the end it took me telling him our marriage was weeks from ending, not because of money or his choice to not work, but because our communication and joint decision making had totally broken down. If I asked about his plans or what he'd done that day I was treated like the enemy. We couldn't discuss or plan for the future. He was totally paralysed by his fear of failure, which I was sympathetic to until I realised he was putting his need to keep himself safe (by not trying) above his family's need for support and our relationships need for honesty. There was also that thing of being too special for the basic jobs which were available locally, and too constrained by my hours and commute to take jobs further afield. Things are better now as the very real prospect that we would break up pushed him through. But the damage is permanent - I see him as a nice companion and devoted father, but not a true partner anymore.

If your DH is in the same sort of place as mine was, i would say you need him to feel the need to get a job, and feel it more strongly than his fear of going out there again. I had to stop the supportive act and let him see the damage, loss of trust and affection. Beans on toast for most meals during the week might have been a factor too! Good luck. It's awful - but he worked before and can again

Please don't put any more debt in your name. How much is on your credit card at the moment?

If you were single would you qualify for any state financial support?

Can you take in a lodger?

The difficulty is that if you split and he is the stay at home dad, and you can't afford childcare on your salary, and he can't afford to rent a home with room for the children, how will you make that work practically?

Are there any agencies for surveyors that would get him back doing surveying jobs again, but temp rather than permanent? Even just a couple of short term ones to get him back thinking about work mode...

After a bad experience I can see that he might be wary and scared about going back to work - plus it's a different kind of easy life that if he prefers it to work work then there's no real incentive to get a job, especially if he is not used to having to knuckle down and work hard to get money to pay bills. Maybe finding somewhere that had temp jobs he could do would help to get him started. Ringing up an agency and getting him an appointment (sounds like it's the wrong end of the week for this week unfortunately - was going to suggest you take a day or two off and he went to speak to several agencies on those days). Actually going in, talking to people, getting their advice, and so on can really help. Sounds like he is using attacking you as his best form of defence so he can ignore the situation (and sleep at night!) while you have to suffer...

A friend recently put her cv online and was amazed to have people contact her with things that she had never really considered but was perfectly capable of. She jumped into a two week job just to get back into things and was there for several weeks, they wanted her to go permanent but it wasn't anythign she wanted to do long term. Didn't matter, she still got a reference, enjoyed the new challenges and used it while she found what she was looking for... Which is a very long winded way of saying has he put his cv online with lots of agencies that do all sorts of things? I'm guessing if he is a surveyor then he is perfectly capable of using a computer for ttyping, spreadsheets, email etc. which he might think are below him but might get him out there.

Do you have any alternative childcare options if he does go out to work during the day? Both for interview and longer term?

If you are presenting him with the cold hard facts of work or lose your home, wife and family and he still wont motivate himself then I'm afraid I'd be making plans without him. Don't let him drag you all down with him.

To reduce the growing debt, do some practical things for now.
Speak to mortgage company
Cut costs where ever you can
Meal plan and budget
Cut all non essentials
Downsize car if an option etc

For oh you need to sit down and lay out the options such as selling, leaving, him working days, him working evenings etc. He needs to help get a plan together for the chosen option. This may include getting a drs appointment if there’s any hint he’s depressed.
Good luck

Loads of good advice on here.

I would be fighting tooth and nail to keep your home especially if rent is more than a mortgage (as in London)
Def remortgage and get the longest term you can but don’t tell him. London and country were pretty good but you could always just speak to whoever your provider is and see what they say.
The credit cards stop now everyone else is right you’ll be paying it off for years.
Food budgeting needs to be a focus (beans on toast x5)
and I’d look at moving the kids into one room and taking a lodger.

Life is very easy for him, the credit card debt isn’t real as it’s in your name. He expects to bury his head and you will fix this which is very unfair.
I agree something more went on at his last job but you have children!? He can’t just give up. I would be making life more uncomfortable an overspend of £1k isn’t just basics.

you are bearing the mental load of both your life and his whichbis wholly unfair.

Hope he actually goes to the agency today

Can I suggest that you go over to the debt free board on www.moneysavingexpert.com

You will be asked to complete a statement of affairs and the people on there will come up with really good advice on how to make ends meet. Please don’t feel embarrassed as they’ve seen it all before. As for immediate steps, I would get the credit card off your partner so he can’t use it anymore, cancel sky or other pay tv so he understands the position you are in.

It’s very unfair that he won’t step up, but as it appears you have always been the major financial contributor he obviously thinks you will sort it out. He does sound depressed or very lacking in confidence but needs to understand that he will lose you if he doesn’t get his act together.