My DP doesn't have a job and we're in financial trouble

[SoniaShoe]

I would really value the opinion of others seeing my situation on paper as I'm facing a really tough decision.

I've been with my partner (not married) for 9 years and we have 2 children. We both worked full time and our mortgage is based on both our earnings. He was very unhappy in his last job and he ended up losing it after making some mistakes and a disagreement with his manager. This was last June and I had just gone back to work after maternity leave, our childcare for our 11 mo DS had also just fallen through and it made sense for him to stay off work for a couple of months. So I changed my hours to full time (I was going back 3 days per week initially) and he didn't look for another job and looked after our DS and 5 yo DD full time. We calculated that with sticking to a budget and using our savings (my savings) we could do this until about November. I was fully on board with this (it was my suggestion). I thought it would be good for him to have some time with the kids while they were young, great for both kids to have their dad rather than childcare, plus a chance for him to take his time finding something he wanted to do.

As we approached November he didn't seem to be putting much effort into getting a job. He would email a couple of agencies every few days but that was it. As time has gone on he has put a bit more of an effort in but not much. He has been for 3 interviews since last summer. He still has no job and we have spent every penny we had topping up my salary to live and we are now completely skint and using a credit card to buy food as we need the money in our account to pay the mortgage and bills.

I'm so scared about having to sell our house but it's now looking like the only sensible option. It's all I've ever wanted and worked towards for the last 20 years. I know if I sell the house I will never own anything like this again (it's only a modest house but it's our children's home and I can't bear the thought of them losing it). I know our standard of living will be greatly reduced if we have to sell as rent is more than mortgage so we will have to move to a smaller house in a cheaper area. Our house needs a lot if work (which we can't afford to do) so we won't get the best price for it either.

He says he can't look for a job during the day because he's looking after our DS. But in the evenings he just watches tv or the football. I've had this week off and since last Friday he hasn't spent a single second job hunting. When I try to talk to him about it he turns on me and says I'm being unfair and that he's trying. I suppose I just want to know whether I'm being unreasonable or not or whether I should be taking control of the situation before it gets worse and sell up. The credit card bills are keeping me awake at night.

Your DH sounds as if he has no intention of working and enjoys just staying at home while you pick up the bills. However you have young children which you say he looks after and financially you are in a bad place.

I would suggest you address the finances first of all. Cut any unnecessary expenses(particularly sky sports if you have it) and anything especially which impacts on your DHs lifestyle. I would be selling his game console or anything he likes to spend his time on to pay the bills. You really really don't want to be left with all the debt especially as you have signed half the house to him so you need to protect yourself. Unless he has a massive change of attitude one day you will split. Don't be the one left carrying the can. As soon as you can sell up and move to a cheaper property if you can.

Focus qon the current situation and how to best resolve it, rather than old, bad decisions, such as your house being in both your names. What’s done is done, and at least he is doing all the childcare, which allows you to work (it could be worse).

Keeping your house is a priority. Contact your mortgage company and try to arrange a payment holiday. If you get one, make sure not to tell your husband about it - he doesn’t need to feel relaxed or relieved. Work out a budget plan - all incomings and essential outgoings only. Cut all unnnecessary spend immediately. Shop for grocerys at discounters. There are government backed debt advisors who can help you (avoid money lenders like the plague).

Then, start thinking about a longer term plan. There’s never a good time to leave, sooner rather than later could be best.

Best wishes x

Just to clarify he only started being primary carer since June last year, so only for the past 10 months. Before that you both worked and had childcare? Get professional advice regarding splitting and the kids because even though he may threaten full custody do you think he would actually follow through?

Even though you are in a UC area, your DH needs to go back to DWP and state he wants to claim contribution-based JSA only. He needs to have worked for an employer and paid enough in class 1 NI contributions in the 2015/16 and 2016/17 tax years.

He will have to be looking for work and be able to take up work, so you need to discuss this before he goes ahead.

He can be looking for evening/night work so that you are able to provide childcare etc. If entitled he'll get £73.10 a week and have a work coach 'encouraging' him to apply for jobs.

It won't be easy claiming ..... online/phone are all more geared to claiming UC but it can be done. If you are fobbed off talk to Citizen's Advice immediately, they will help and advise.

Are you absolutely sure you have tightened your belts as much as you possibly can? Cancel sky, Netflix, amazon prime, sim only phone contracts, basic food shopping, no eating out, no Costa coffees. Limited meat in the shopping. £1000 a month on CC seems on the face of it that you aren't adjusting your lifestyle. If the kids are young then you don't really need WiFi if you can get a decent sim only deal with good data.

Sell stuff on eBay, gumtree etc? Old toys , clothes ??

We made some progress yesterday. DP went round looking for delivery/bar work yesterday and looks like he has a delivery job. He has to go back today with his driving licence and insurance cert. (He did manage to watch the football first of course so not an overnight change in priorities.)

We still have a long way to go with our financial planning which we're doing tonight. And I'm contacting the mortgage company on Monday. Lots of good ideas for us to follow up on this thread.

We already shop in lidl and meal plan but there are other ways we can cut out outgoings for sure.

This thread has also made me realise my priority is to keep the house. DP is grumpy with me for getting him out yesterday and I have absolutely no respect for him any more.

Op why don't you show him this thread? It will show him how worried you are and that you are not just moaning.

That’s good news Sonia. First things first in cutting outgoings and getting DP working and then you can reassess life when the initial crisis is over.

Sonia make sure he goes back with his driving license and car insurance today. So he's grumpy because he's had to get off his lazy arse and look for work. So what! Yes! And look how easy work was available! He could have been pulling his weight all this time. The days of sitting on his arse all day are coming to an end and he's not happy.
You have to be determined to keep your house now.

You sound like you've wised up and realise that keeping your home is more important than making sure DP is never in a grump.

So he could have found work all along. Kind of obvious now how much he respects you and your hard work doesn't it, op.
Please get rid of him asap, he is a lazy waste of space.

I would apply for council tax relief with your district council - use there website to see how to apply

Sit down and use this budget calculator

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/tools/budget-planner
Do it together and let him physically see the reality

Then suggest he gets any minimum wage job whilst looking for something better - Tesco shelf stacking three nights as 10 -7 shift won’t effect dc

Good, now please cut up that credit card.

I had to send job specs to
My dh when he was stuck in a shity job. He didnt seem able to
Find them either. I do wish i had enough equity in my
Home to fownsize and get rid. That is the preferable option for you too now.

This thread is really pissing me off.
He was too arrogant and lazy to get the necessary qualification for his job.
He lost his job because of his own actions (mistakes and disagreeing with manager).
He didn’t even bother claiming contributory JSA, which he would have been entitled to.
He thinks he is too good for all the available jobs, but he’s not putting any effort into getting the kind of job he wants, and he is refusing to do the commute that you do every day in order to support the family.
Having basically handed over half the equity that you worked hard to build up in the flat you had before buying a house with him, you have now used up your own savings and build up credit card debt in your name in order to feed the family.
While he watches fucking football.

Why do women put up with this shit?! What is wrong with you?! Is his dick made of diamonds or something?!

I bet he’s not even that good in bed, he sounds the selfish type.

Op, I worked in Debt Recovery and Mortgage Debt Recovery, for many, many years. So, I have a few bits of advice/info for you.

Banks DO NOT want to evict people. Especially if there are children, vulnerable people or elderly folk in the house. My role at one point, was Executive Assistant to the Head of Debt Recovery for one of the Big banks. We evicted about 2 customers a day. All evictions had to be signed off by him, and he would make sure that the Bank had explored all avenues for the customer to keep their home. In all cases, the Bank would have tried to re-negotiate with the Customer, to make their payments more affordable. This would involve moving them on to an interest free mortgage and extending the term until the customer was 70 years old. So generally, the customers evicted tended to be the ones who wouldn't talk to the Bank, or sadly were almost 70 years old, and there just wasn't the scope there to extend the term.

You could try to speak with your Mortgage provider and explain your situation. The thing is though, if you haven't missed any payments, the staff you speak to probably won't have any authority to change your mortgage product radically.

So, I think you have 2 options. When you take a new product in May, you could change the term so it takes you to 70. Or, you could simply default now, and let matters take their course. Eventually your Mortgage will end up with the Debt Recovery arm of the Bank, which will mean you will be dealt with by staff who have the power to grant payment breaks/reduce the interest rate/lengthen the term.

Regarding the Credit Card debt, remember, this is Unsecured. In other words, they have very little to come after you with (unlike a Mortgage, which is secured against your property, which they could force you to sell). If however you default on this, and it goes to debt recovery, they can obtain a CCJ against you, and then go for your house. They's only do this, if the debt was substantial.

I'd recommend considering an IVA (if you are in England) or a Trust Deed (if you are in Scotland). This is not a bankruptcy. However, it is very similar, without the stigma. You would have to use a Company (like KPMG) to negotiate with all of your creditors, to only pay a fraction of your debt and the rest is written off. Generally, if you can repay 10p in the £1, the agreement is accepted by all. Your home is NOT at risk if you opt for one of these. It's not even in the equation. You simply provide an Income and Expenditure plan to (say) KPMG, which shows that you can only afford to repay 10p for every £1, and they do the rest.

Of course you still need your DP to get a job! As a PP said, he needs to sign on for Job Seekers Allowance, because then he will get £73.10 per week, which will go a long way right now (!) and he will have to meet with them every fortnight, to prove that he's been job hunting. They will really push him hard on this.

Finally, I am going to PM you an idea for working from home.

I’m sorry but I just can’t get over it. You have children. You can’t afford to throw money down the bottomless black hole created by a cocklodging man. You have a responsibility to house and feed them. Not him. You owned a property without him, now if you sell your house you’ll have to give him the equity you signed over to him, which won’t leave enough for you to buy a house for you and your children to live in. Rented housing is more expensive (compared to mortgage repayments) and a lot less secure. So you are now considering selling your home and moving yourself and your children into rented housing all because of him. All because you chose to sign over half the house to someone who had zero equity or savings - which surely should have been a warning sign that he wasn’t financially responsible?!

Bloody hell, he got work after a few hours after watching the whole family risk their security for months??

I'm glad your priorities are sorted. Get on an even keel financially and then see how you feel.

Yes I realise on paper with hindsight my actions are stupid. This is a potted history of the bad bits though. But yes I am also irresponsible to have let this happen.

I should also say that he has been looking after our 1 year old full time. He isn't in childcare. So working on min wage when I'm not at home hasn't been an option. The mistake we've made is not exploring the out of hours work until now.

That’s what I do OP. 3 part time jobs during weird hours around the husbands full time job. Means my days are free for kids/school holidays etc. There’s no reason he can’t do that.

Sonia - I empathise- I was with a cocklodger for around 8 years, and gradually over time I lost respect for him, any love I had died , and we ended up splitting up. He did work but he was self employed doing a craft - very skilled but just didn’t earn money more than break even. It was a hobby more than a job. I owned the house , and paid all the bills , so when I finally cracked and showed him the door it didn’t actually change my finances.
He did get a delivery job too to try and actually contribute some money but only lasted a couple of months as it was too much like hard work and he didn’t like getting up early !
It’s difficult here as you own the house jointly . Hindsight is a wonderful thing but we all do what we think is best at the time.
Hopefully he can stick to this delivery job and start contributing, but I would also cut out any non essentials like Sky etc.