My DP doesn't have a job and we're in financial trouble

[SoniaShoe]

I would really value the opinion of others seeing my situation on paper as I'm facing a really tough decision.

I've been with my partner (not married) for 9 years and we have 2 children. We both worked full time and our mortgage is based on both our earnings. He was very unhappy in his last job and he ended up losing it after making some mistakes and a disagreement with his manager. This was last June and I had just gone back to work after maternity leave, our childcare for our 11 mo DS had also just fallen through and it made sense for him to stay off work for a couple of months. So I changed my hours to full time (I was going back 3 days per week initially) and he didn't look for another job and looked after our DS and 5 yo DD full time. We calculated that with sticking to a budget and using our savings (my savings) we could do this until about November. I was fully on board with this (it was my suggestion). I thought it would be good for him to have some time with the kids while they were young, great for both kids to have their dad rather than childcare, plus a chance for him to take his time finding something he wanted to do.

As we approached November he didn't seem to be putting much effort into getting a job. He would email a couple of agencies every few days but that was it. As time has gone on he has put a bit more of an effort in but not much. He has been for 3 interviews since last summer. He still has no job and we have spent every penny we had topping up my salary to live and we are now completely skint and using a credit card to buy food as we need the money in our account to pay the mortgage and bills.

I'm so scared about having to sell our house but it's now looking like the only sensible option. It's all I've ever wanted and worked towards for the last 20 years. I know if I sell the house I will never own anything like this again (it's only a modest house but it's our children's home and I can't bear the thought of them losing it). I know our standard of living will be greatly reduced if we have to sell as rent is more than mortgage so we will have to move to a smaller house in a cheaper area. Our house needs a lot if work (which we can't afford to do) so we won't get the best price for it either.

He says he can't look for a job during the day because he's looking after our DS. But in the evenings he just watches tv or the football. I've had this week off and since last Friday he hasn't spent a single second job hunting. When I try to talk to him about it he turns on me and says I'm being unfair and that he's trying. I suppose I just want to know whether I'm being unreasonable or not or whether I should be taking control of the situation before it gets worse and sell up. The credit card bills are keeping me awake at night.

Anneelliot and unintentionnalthreadkiller he's worked as a valuation or leasehold surveyor for 20 years but never got chartered. He's a hard worker but has been too lazy to commit to the qualification. So he's now 45 and competing with graduates and if course they're not going to chose him. He just doesn't get the interviews. He knows it's his fault for being complacent about the qualification in the past. But that's not helping us right now.

We talked last night and this morning about evening and weekend work. He initially said it wasn't worth doing for the amount of money he would bring in, and lots of other pathetic excuses, but he has finally agreed. I've given him agency numbers and he's ringing them this morning. He wants to watch a football game today so I'm pretty sure that's going to take priority as it always does. Somehow he always finds time for that.

He has got his CV online and with agencies but probably only for perm jobs. I'm sure he's being way too picky with what he considers. We live in a fairly high employment area and it's possible to commute to London, although it's not a nice commute it's do-able. I actually commute to London but DP has told me he wouldn't want to.

What's he watching the football game on? Sky? Cancel it on the basis that you can't afford it. How is that even a priority when you're having to put your food on a credit card?

Maybe he's not being honest about the real problem. Could it be that he doesn't want to go back to his career and would be willing to do part time work or entry level work, which would still improve your financial situation.

OP take the credit card and cut it up. Do that today before it totally explodes in your face.

I think you know the score with your bloke. He doesn’t want to work and somehow you need to make your peace with that or get rid of him.

But in the meantime you need to cut everything down to the bone financially. Get rid of that card.

Overspending by 1k a month is terrifying.

I don’t understand how a man can do this to his family. No wonder you have lost respect for him!

If you pay your credit card each month by Standing order rather than DD apparently this saves ££££ in interest so set this up today.

In your shoes I would seriously be having a huge fall out with him. I would not even be speaking to him!

And what ever you do, when he gets a job make sure you give him the credit card debt to pay off

Thanks for all your messages I'm finding it so useful as for months I've tried to be patient with him but inside just not understanding why he can't get any work at all.

I know he has to look after our kids but that doesn't stop him getting work when I'm home and I never see him doing any job search. He says he does it every day on his phone.

He's just rung the agencies that are open today but they're not open yet.

Our house is in both our names joint ownership. I made that mistake. My friend actually warned me not to and do split ownership where I would have the larger share as the deposit all came from my flat. I have to suck that up as I made that bad decision 3 years ago. There is quite a lot of equity in the house even though it needs work.

He needs the figures in front of him on black and white - exactly how much you are short, plus all the things you’ve probably been putting off (saving for next Christmas/birthdays/holidays/clothes) plus repaying the credit card debt.

He needs to see it written down.

You've kind of glossed over, sugar coated and minimised what sounds like a bad situation. Which makes me wonder if you are always required to do that or else he gets defensive, so it happens even here with an anonymous audience. Also your worry about being a nag while he massively takes the piss.

runrabbit you've hit the nail on the head with this. Every conversation we have he has to end with an attack on me for being unfair to him so it's left that I'm in the wrong and I dread bringing it up again.

I don't have any respect for him any more and our relationship wasn't great before. But the best thing for the kids right now definitely isn't us splitting up while we're both so skint. After all this is over and we're back on our feet and DS is in nursery I would love to leave him.

^^ Smeaton is absolutely right.
My H was like this about 10 years ago, his whole attitude was 'You go and get a second/third job while I slob around at home'.
It's demoralising for you op and demonstrates a total lack of respect. I told him in no uncertain terms exactly what he had to do or he was out.

OP. My husband was in a similar situation in that he was let go from a job because his face didn't fit and management just didn't like him (and to be fair he did have a bit of a bad attitude about certain things, especially being asked to do things he disagreed with or didn't think were necessary). In his case it was unfair dismissal and that's another story but he licked his wounds for about a week and then started phoning the agencies, found another job quite quickly and worked on adjusting his attitude. In hindsight it was the making of him.

This was before we had a child but we did have a mortgage and responsibilities and there's no way he'd have allowed us to get into debt while he sat and played videogames all day.

Your husband needs to be told in no uncertain terms that if you lose your home it is his fault and you will not forgive him, or stay with him.

I would consider a smaller property without him. You and your DC's future will be more secure with property. You've worked too hard to lose that security.

And just serve beans on toast for adults until he has a job.
Cancel sky, mobiles, gym, and definetly cut up all of his bank cards.

Get angry and don't let him shut you up when you tell him how it is.

I could get a bar job today in my town, just by walking in to the pubs and asking. Easily pays more than a grand a month

You know he's not going to get a job, right? He is making a minor show of it now but might still watch the football instead. Holy fuck. I'd chuck the TV out the window.

It sounds like you have a cocklodger.

You are not going to get back on your feet. He has no interest in that. You have to plan for him continuing to not work but still watch Sky and for you to always be a big meanie if you aren't 100% supportive.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Would he go with you to somewhere like a budgeting service, e.g. Stepchange, who you could ask for budgeting advise?

At the moment it sounds v much like he's convinced himself you're exaggerating the situation and everything is ticking along nicely. I'm not sure even you being firm will change that. I think an external person who can say: these debts and this spending is catastrophic, you need to make serious changes soon would be good. He can't argue with an 'expert', or if he does at least you really see where you stand.

I'd also be wary about the fact he's established himself as primary carer if you do split- the last thing you want is a situation where you're expected to give him maintenance and continue to support him.

I think it might almost be worth a joint trip to a career counsellor or someone like that. Do you have a list of all the jobs he's applied for? I think I applied for twenty in a three week period in my last job hunt and that was in a fairly niche sector moving from a job I already had. If unemployed and willing to take anything as he should be I would be expecting a much larger volume. I also don't understand why he's not entitled to contributory jobseekers given he spent years working,

Basically, if there is anyone outside the family he respects who can give him a talking to at this point I think that might be worth trying. I also agree with cancelling things that are luxuries and perhaps making it clear if he's home he needs to mealplan and prepare food in a v limited budget, and possibly be in charge of taking in a lodger. He needs to be faced with the day to day realities of the situation you're in and st the moment he seems to be able to leave that to you.

I was in a similar situation this time last year - had racked up what felt like an 2 unpayable credit card debts, owed a few grand to the LA in service charges (didn't know how much as was too scared to find out and only one income coming in. My DH doesn't have a driving licence and a dodgy back which knocks out pretty much any local job.

We remortgaged giving us a lump sim to pay most of the debt and less to pau each month and I got a better paid job. While we were sorting it all out we shopped at cheaper shops and sold a few things as well - we don't really go out anyway and don't have sky so there wasn't much else we could cut down on. I still have some debt on my personal credit card which I'm paying off (should be gone in a couple of more months) and I really feel like we made the right choice for us. Good luck.

As pp said he could easily get evening bar or shift work that fits around your job but he very obviously thinks he is far too good for that and is very happy seeing you work and drowning in debt.

This is who he is.
He is also fine with jeopardising you and your kids home that you have worked very hard for for 20 years!!!!
Men like this make me fucking sick, willing to drag down the one person they are supposed to love and respect more than anything.
Quite simply, you are his mealticket so he has it made, and do not even get me started on his stupid fucking football!?!?!?pffft

SoniaShoe, I'm getting so angry for you reading this post. Tell HIM he has to get some evening/weekend agency work today.

Omg! I would be hitting the roof.
He is doing nothing, while everything that you have worked for slowly trickles down the drain.
Get a grip! Now! This weekend!
Cut back on absolutely everything! Write down all your outgoings and get rid of any that you can and cut back on the rest.
Show him the position that you are all in, make him look.
You keep saying that when you speak to him, he says it's not fair. Well I'm sorry but life isn't fair, you've got to pull yourselves together.
Otherwise, I've got the feeling, when you're down at rock bottom and he's flattened you, he will just jump ship. Stay with some mates and leave you to it.
Get some backbone OP! Bloody sort him out! You sound very "reasonable", you need to be furious, for you and your children.

Your children are about to lose their home and you are still molly cuddling this man.

Hone truths needs to be said and an ultimatum.

Hi OP - this is a very difficult and worrying situation, my sympathies.

A similar thing has happened to my sister, and to a degree a friend with their husbands. My sister has worked in any job she could get to keep the family afloat from a city law firm to a factory and coffee shop - the husband always had ambitious but vague plans but hasn't really had a proper job in 8 years. I think they may well end up selling the house.

I think what happens is a kind of depression - the male psyche gets damaged by rejection and becomes ever more demoralised and half hearted about finding a job and the head gets deeper stuck in the sand. Your DH is trying hard to ignore and minimise the dangers you face as he cannot face his own responsibility for it. I'm not making excuses - just recognising the symptoms from my BIL and my friends husband. They put off minimise and avoid as they feel like a failure.

It is very hard to be the bearer of bad news - he won't like it but he does need a jolt and a reckoning - this is the real situation you are both faced with. He needs to take responsibility not leave the worries to you. Maybe you can speak to his parents too if you can't get through to him. He needs to understand and take some responsibility for your future. But as others have said it might be your paths might need to diverge if he continues to be a burden and not a help.

If you are working full time then he should be at least working at the weekend when you are home. My friend does this. She works the night shift Friday and Saturday at Sainsbury’s because the bills have to be paid. He should be at least applying to every supermarket for that kind of work. Then you wouldn’t have to pay any childcare because you would be home to do it. He’s not pulling his weight and you’ve been more than fair and indulgent

and Sky definitely gets cancelled!

Ive been here, it's awful really awful my DH took 8 months after a redundancy same reason to help with summer holidays and kids– it took me having a mini breakdown, coming home sobbing with the stress to finally give him the kick up the bum.. But he wouldn't even take a part time job to take the pressure off.

If I'm 100% honest it ruined our marriage, I just realised our values were different, everything was different after that 8 month period.

My friends husband got made redundant about 5 months later a really high paid professional and within days he had asked the local builders, local tree surgeons and trades for some work, he spend days just earning 50 quid here and there for odd jobs, and said he couldn't just sit around while job hunting and had this drive and get up and go to just take anything and embrace it as fun and a temporary situation. he found a new role in his profession within 2 months.

It made me sad and angry that my DH just sat around making excuses and broke me, he was prepared to watch me work 12 hours and prepared to make me miss my children while I worked long and stressful hours.

Sorry hijacked your thread but I just wanted to say I know how you feel and if you are at all rocky then this won;t be helping at all.

My situation was 2 years ago and I still carry the resentment with me.

Smeaton - love your latin form Laziarsius fatarsius. I am not keen on the plain English words.
Soniashoe - This guy is really trying it on with you. He claims to be at home being the househusband yet you still have housework to do. I bet you do a fair bit of child care too.
I don't know why he is using your credit card or even your bank card. Is that not illegal?
He thinks he is above certain jobs but he is low enough to be sponging from a woman and maybe also the children as you might be receiving Child related income so he is living off the DCs too.
Think of all you could do with your income and childrens' benefits if you did not also have to pay for someone who will neither work nor want (Granny's phrase but love it and so appropriate with all the laziarsius men around these days)
You have to get rid or he really needs to turn this all around over night. My thoughts would be that he needs more than a telling to see you are serious.
Sorry you are in this position

The OP can't just leave him. He currently acts as primary carer to the kids so would most likely get main residency in a split if he persued this and then it would be the OP paying him maintenance. He needs to get a job and the kids need to go into childcare . Then she can leave him,