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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Help please

105 replies

fuckingbullshitcunt · 04/04/2018 10:17

Help. Can't form sentences so please bear with.

Engaged to bf, wedding booked, two young kids (1 a baby), "perfect" relationship. bf been meeting men for wank and suck from adult websites - replying to ads and posting them - in their cars, houses etc. after work. Found out a few days ago. Lots of lies, thought I had the truth, was just getting to okay, not found out anything new really just... more. He's come home from work - obviously he's scared. He's outside the house, just waiting, we're messaging. Don't know what to do now. He met another guy last week whilst away with work. They met again the next night and went to a prostitute to wee on her and wank on her tits. I knew this a few days ago. Anyway, that's the full story. Ish.

What do I do now? I mean RIGHT NOW. He's outside. I'm inside with the kids.

OP posts:
piercinggelo · 04/04/2018 11:25

So do you still think it means he needs gay sex mydiet? I don't think it does but perhaps I'm being a fool.

Does it matter?? He has been cheating on you in the most disgusting way. Gender is irrelevant. It doesn't change what he has done.

springydaff · 04/04/2018 11:26

Sorry, from your previous posts it looked like before you met him you did the same stuff as him.

He's a sex addict. No question.

piercinggelo · 04/04/2018 11:28

He's a sex addict. No question.

I disagree.

Being a dirty bastard isn't the same as being a sex addict.

Original poster
fuckingbullshitcunt · 04/04/2018 11:28

Oh sorry, the words were just tumbling out. No, I've never done anything like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckingbullshitcunt · 04/04/2018 11:29

I don't know, I guess it doesn't matter. It FEELS like it matters though, but I guess that's just because I want answers. I want to know what this means, how this happened. Even if it's academic.

OP posts:
Theimpossiblegirl · 04/04/2018 11:38

I guess if I tell them there's no going back is there.

There should be no going back, don't think you deserve this, don't think this is a price worth paying for a marriage and kids. He has betrayed you and won't stop. The prostitute thing alone would be the end, I could not be with a man that did something like that. It shows utter contempt for women.

Please end it, you will never be happy with this man, he cannot be trusted. Would you want this for your daughter, or a friend?

ChickenMom · 04/04/2018 11:45

This is not ok and yes you should tell your friends and family. Until you do, you can just sweep it under the carpet. He won’t stop. It doesn’t matter what he says. If he’s into this stuff then it’s his thrill and it’s who he is. You need to get out now and protect yourself and the kids. Get an STI check.

Okadas · 04/04/2018 11:46

Seriously what is there to talk about? He has a little kid, a new born baby and due to get married...yet he's meeting up with other men to wank over pics of you and to go piss on prostitutes. That's revolting. When his mother arrives tell her to take him home with her.

Original poster
fuckingbullshitcunt · 04/04/2018 11:53

Yep, that's the long and short of it Okadas.

Again I'm sorry for the explicit and incoherent nature of my earlier posts. I felt a little bit detached from my own body for while there, but I reckon I'm pulling it back together now.

His mum's here now. It's not so much that we need to talk, it's that by God have I got a few things I'm going to be saying to him. This is for me. This is for me to be the badass woman I am and to tell him exactly what I think about what he's done.

Thank you all so much for the support. Wish me luck!

OP posts:
Okadas · 04/04/2018 11:59

Good luck! Not that you need it. He has more than pissed on you for long enough. It's time he pays for it.

Alfiemoon1 · 04/04/2018 12:03

Good luck I would also insist he deletes any picture of u just incase he is putting them on the internet he can’t be trusted

HeartCurrent · 04/04/2018 12:06

I can't believe how bad this man has treated you. Like you said get everything off your chest and close that door forever, he can be a father without being in a relationship with you, you deserve better. I couldn't look at my OH in the eye ever again after knowing half the stuff you've uncovered. For him to lie on top of admissions also makes me think there's a lot you still don't even know. I wish you luck OP just remember You Deserve Better!

TheSassyAssassin · 04/04/2018 12:10

Hope you find the strength to tell him to go FOTTOSOFAWYGTFOSM!!!!!!! Flowers

VladmirsPoutine · 04/04/2018 12:10

You should also get yourself checked for all the STIs in the world.

auntyflonono · 04/04/2018 12:24

Have you told his mum what has happened?

Wadingthroughshit · 04/04/2018 12:27

So sorry this is happening...this is disturbing and abhorrent beyond anything I could imagine. You need to tell People in RL , you cannot take this burden on your own, especially not with children, you will lose your mind. You need unconditional love and support.

MNHQ
YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 04/04/2018 14:16

Hi everyone,
Thank you for all your reports about this thread. We do understand the concerns, but we can see that the poster has several thousand posts under her belt with us so we are very much inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt.
OP, sorry you are having such an awful time of it at the moment. Flowers

PookieDo · 04/04/2018 15:41

Deal breaker for me too. Good luck when you are alone. Don’t cave in to the crying from him.
I see this kind of behaviour as like a gateway. He’s indulging in gay sexual behaviour but by putting the focus on Hetero porn and a prostitute is this not a lie to himself and you. He can say ‘I’m not gay look I have a picture of a woman’ And how long before the wanking is less of a turn on and he needs more and more things that don’t involve having sex with his wife

CaledonianQueen · 04/04/2018 15:45

Oh my goodness OP, talk about an atomic bomb being dropped on your life, your relationship and your family!

Firstly, YOU DO NOT IN ANY WAY deserve to be treated the way your fiance has treated you! It sounds like you have been in a previous toxic relationship and that your boundaries are skewed as to what is acceptable.

Your fiance has put himself, you and your newborn baby if not your older child too in danger! Good, loving men DO NOT meet other men for mutual masturbation and oral sex! Good, loving men DO NOT pay prostitutes to degrade and humiliate them by urinating all over them and ejaculating on them. Good and loving men WOULD NEVER share photos of their partner/ wife/girlfriend so that they can get off on watching another man wank over you! Your fiance is a disgusting human being, he has ABSOLUTELY ZERO respect for you, for your children, or for women in general!

You have given him the most amazing gifts, two beautiful children. Yet he has betrayed you utterly and left you at home coping with two small children, whilst he has been disrespecting you and your babies.

He does not deserve your forgiveness!

Please, tell one friend and one family member and ask them to tell the others! Burying your head in the sand won't take away your fiance's actions! Telling your loved ones will get you the support that you need! Make your MIL the first person you tell! Print off the emails so he can't accuse you of lying!

I am sorry if I have missed the gender of your children, however, you are the example that your daughter will look to when forming her ideas of what a normal, loving and happy relationship is! If you don't want your daughter to be treated the way your fiance has treated you then show her strength, teach her that she and all women deserve to be valued! Teach your son that women deserve respect!

I would look into the freedom program too, especially as you have been in a previous abusive relationship. Sharing your photos/ videos to sexually arouse strange men is a form of sexual abuse! I would be very surprised if your fiance is not abusive in other ways too, be it financial, emotional, psychological, physical or sexual abuse. The disgusting lack of respect he has shown you and women, in general, is very concerning!

So many hugs to you OP, you deserve so much better!

mydietstartsmonday · 04/04/2018 16:45

fuckingbullshitcunt - no I don't, x-post. Though there is something strange with meeting up with your friend to simultaneously masturbate.
The poster that says gender is irrelevant, if you cheat, you cheat, I agree.
Stay strong and kick the shit in the balls. And I could never forgive him for sharing photos of you.

Alfiemoon1 · 04/04/2018 22:09

Hope u are ok op

Original poster
fuckingbullshitcunt · 05/04/2018 08:31

Thanks Alfie, i'm doing okay I think. Things are all very "cold light of day" today but I guess that's to be expected.

Thanks as well for all the support I got yesterday, especially for your post Caledonian which really helped. Felt like a virtual hug :) Oh, and to Mumsnet Helen for confirming I'm a bit of an MN addict - although to be fair if I'd read my own OP I would have thought it was the trolliest troll post too so there we go! Unfortunately it isn't, but that's life isn't it.

OP posts:
TheSassyAssassin · 05/04/2018 09:29

OP life as you infer can be one helluva crazy ride yes, but you do get to choose who you're sitting next to to face it. Hope in the cold light of day you know you def deserve to be with someone more deserving of you! Not much comfort now but this too shall pass lady Flowers

Alfiemoon1 · 05/04/2018 10:24

I hope u told him where to go and didn’t believe his sob stories u and your dc deserve much more than this

NettleTea · 05/04/2018 10:46

you having had an affair in a previous, abusive, relationship is no way comparable with this, and dont allow yourself to view this as your punishment for past behaviour.
You seem to have acknowledged that it was wrong, and moved and grown from that point, and it is completely irrelevent to where you find yourself today - saying 'I did a bad thing' has absolutely no bearing on what is going on now.

I suspect that he will give you the whole sob story and try to make you take him back with promises and tears and telling you how much he cares, whilst possibly blaming the fact that you had a baby to concentrate on as some sort of justification for feeling sad. Maybe saying 'see I was looking at pictures of YOU while I did it' as some form of twisted explaination as to why it wasnt so bad.

It is bad. And, if you had not found out by mistake, he would not have stopped, and he wouldnt be crying. Sure he is crying and scared now, because he has been caught out. These tears are for himself, not actual tears of remorse for what he has done. He may even play the 'the other guy was threatening to tell you if I didnt continue' bullshit. Bear in mind he didnt tell the truth last night. He will say whatever the hell he needs to say to get you to believe him now, agree to all sorts of stuff just to get off the hook right now, to ensure your implicit guilt and shame and silence, and then the minimising will begin and you wont be allowed to refer back to this as it will be 'the past' and not fair to drag up again.

But irrespective of all that. What kind of man thinks its OK to buy a woman to degrade in this way. Who actually WANTS to degrade a woman in this way? Is this the sort of man you want to be married to, who's idea of fun is degrading a woman. Is this the sort of man you want raising your children, passing on his view of what it is to be a man in the world. Is this the kind of man you can trust to look after you, to look out for you and have your back, to be financially and legally tied to for the rest of your life

Personally I think you can do far, far, better