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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help please

105 replies

fuckingbullshitcunt · 04/04/2018 10:17

Help. Can't form sentences so please bear with.

Engaged to bf, wedding booked, two young kids (1 a baby), "perfect" relationship. bf been meeting men for wank and suck from adult websites - replying to ads and posting them - in their cars, houses etc. after work. Found out a few days ago. Lots of lies, thought I had the truth, was just getting to okay, not found out anything new really just... more. He's come home from work - obviously he's scared. He's outside the house, just waiting, we're messaging. Don't know what to do now. He met another guy last week whilst away with work. They met again the next night and went to a prostitute to wee on her and wank on her tits. I knew this a few days ago. Anyway, that's the full story. Ish.

What do I do now? I mean RIGHT NOW. He's outside. I'm inside with the kids.

OP posts:
Lonelycrab · 04/04/2018 10:33

Don’t be sorry. It sounds truly horrific. I’d tell him to fuck right off too and you’ll speak to him when you’re in a position to do so.

WickedLazy · 04/04/2018 10:34

So even he was caught, he was still lying and minimising? What a piece of work.

Original poster
fuckingbullshitcunt · 04/04/2018 10:35

Yeah. He lied and lied. I told him to be brave, and he was to a degree. he told me most of it. I told him again last night, be brave, take a punt because if you miss this chance it's gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckingbullshitcunt · 04/04/2018 10:36

He was so scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckingbullshitcunt · 04/04/2018 10:36

He IS so scared. So am I.

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Original poster
fuckingbullshitcunt · 04/04/2018 10:36

Oh holy fuck, I'm so scared.

OP posts:
piercinggelo · 04/04/2018 10:37

told him again last night, be brave, take a punt because if you miss this chance it's gone.

What does this mean?

Original poster
fuckingbullshitcunt · 04/04/2018 10:38

I told him if there was anything else, any detail, he had to find all his courage and come out with it and tell me. And that this was the last time I was going to ask, and the last chance he had to tell me if there was anything he was holding back. He said there wasn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckingbullshitcunt · 04/04/2018 10:38

And then today happened. So that was all a lie.

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Original poster
fuckingbullshitcunt · 04/04/2018 10:41

I'm going to call my dad, thank you all for your help. Sorry again for posting this here, I didn't know what to do.

OP posts:
piercinggelo · 04/04/2018 10:41

told him if there was anything else, any detail, he had to find all his courage and come out with it and tell me

Sorry what? Why are you treating him like a victim?!

He is a dirty perverted pig and you are well shot of him.

FFS stop massaging his ego and tell him to fuck off. He is treating you like absolute shit.

Theimpossiblegirl · 04/04/2018 10:41

You can't trust him. What is he scared of? Losing you or people finding out? He has lied, cheated and risked your health (possibly also your children's health if this has been going on since before they were born).
I'm sorry but he is not a good person, good people don't behave like this.
Don't pity him, he made his choices and won't stop just because you know. He's proven this with the lies.

You need to protect yourself and your children. Can you go to a friend's or family member's house, you need to get away from the situation, you are in shock.

BrioLover · 04/04/2018 10:42

You poor thing. What an horrific thing to discover.

If you can, take a deep breath. Or several. Then tell him not to come back until you are ready.

Who gives a shit if he wants to talk? He's cheated on you repeatedly, put you in danger of some nasty STIs and turned your life as you knew it upside down.

YOU need time to process, and frankly if he doesn't give you that it really tells you who he is even more than the behaviour already.

Original poster
fuckingbullshitcunt · 04/04/2018 10:43

His mum's coming to look after the kids so i won't call dad. I treated him like a victim because I thought it was the only way i would get the truth out of him, and I did get most of it. Also I'm no angel - before I met him - I knew exactly how he was feeling. I knew what my only chance was a the truth and it wouldn't have been getting his back up.

OP posts:
piercinggelo · 04/04/2018 10:44

You sound just as fucked up as he is tbh.

Surely not?

Original poster
fuckingbullshitcunt · 04/04/2018 10:44

Yeah I totally am. I'll take that.

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piercinggelo · 04/04/2018 10:45

No point anyone offering up advice here then.

Original poster
fuckingbullshitcunt · 04/04/2018 10:46

Okay. fine. I don't deserve it. Or I do deserve it, I don't know, I don't know what I deserve. That was a long time ago, I've paid my dues - i paid with my whole fucking life that time around and it nearly broke me, I had become a whole new person, so much a better person, but now i just don't know. i don't know who i am.

OP posts:
Alfiemoon1 · 04/04/2018 10:53

I don’t understand your latest updates sorry but he has repeatedly cheated on you risked your health. I think u need a few days space from him to process everything and think whether you want to be with him or not. I don’t think I could ever trust someone like that again

piercinggelo · 04/04/2018 10:53

I met someone like you IRL once. The DH was into the most vile but 'legal' sexual behaviour. He abused her mentally, emotionally and sexually for 10 years. She eventually told someone. The police, social services etc became involved. They were separated (the council found him a place) and they lost their 3 children to foster care. She was given every bit of help you could imagine. People rallied round and gave this woman every possible support. They invested so much time and care trying to help her.

Guess what?

3 months later they were back together. As if it never happened. Anyone that dared to challenge her was immediately cut off and terrorised going about their daily business.

You sound just like her.

In what world would you even want to talk to a man like that again?

Original poster
fuckingbullshitcunt · 04/04/2018 10:54

I'm sorry, I don't think I'm making much sense.

OP posts:
springydaff · 04/04/2018 10:54

Hang on a minute. Of course you deserve support, regardless what you did on the past.

Sounds like you are both sex addicts. Go to SLAA Flowers

www.slaauk.org

springydaff · 04/04/2018 10:56

Back off pierceinggelo. You're projecting. Not helpful

Alfiemoon1 · 04/04/2018 10:56

What u did before meeting him has no relevance to his behaviour whilst he has been in a relationship with you don’t feel sorry for him. He chose to repeatedly cheat on you and even after being caught has continued to lie to u

Original poster
fuckingbullshitcunt · 04/04/2018 10:57

Jesus I'm not a sex addict! I had an affair in a past relationship - a sexless and abusive relationship, not that that matters. And here I am years down the line with a relationship I thought was beyond anything I could possibly have deserved, perhaps we could have had more sex but I've not long had our second baby ffs, I thought we were ticking along fine and our time for all of that would come when the kids were a bit older. I'm totally not a sex addict.

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