Cruel words from him said while drunk

[itsnotmethatneedstobemedicated]

Hi So I have been with my husband for 12 years and we have had our ups and downs but most things have been brilliant in the last 4.5 years.
However, Thursday night he came home from work pissed. So for the kids sake I told him he needed to leave and couldn't be here whilst that drunk.
He did leave the house and I locked the door behind him. BUT he kept coming back, banging on the door asking if he could come in and just go to bed. I stood firm and kept telling him no, and then he'd change his tune and ask for the bank card so he could get his wages out of the atm. Again I told him no as his wages had not been paid yet (i checked) and I needed the card for our tax credits the next day to be able to do the food shopping, energy payment, rent etc.
Anyway, after the 3rd time he started getting nnasty, telling me to watch?? He then started shouting my private business about my past drug use for the whole street to hear. At this point I'd had enough and threw my wedding ring out the bathroom window. He then got even nastier telling me that was fine as he's been trying to get rid of me for 12 years. Next, was try cleaning the house yourself u dirty grub. He went further and said "You don't do anything for me anyway". Neighbours phoned police because of his shouting, they attended and moved him on and he didn't come back until 8am Sat morning. He was sober at this point so legally I could not keep him out of our joint home.
He is full of apologises and said he didnt mean it the way I took it and tried to explain what he meant (I didn't understand his explanation as it doesn't make sense). He'd been sucking up ever since and last night i willingly had sex with him BUT I didn't get anything out of it and it was over before it really began, no foreplay, just a quick check 2 see if I was wet (sorry tmi) and there was no lovingness (cuddles, kisses, I love u's) . I feel like it was some sort of pity fuck. I've been in tears most of today but he either hasn't noticed or doesn't care, the kids haven't noticed either thank God.
I don't know what to do. I love him so much and this is completely ooc but I feel so hurt and used right now.
Would you stay or would you already be gone??

Why didn't you let him just go to bed?? And with no money?

In vino veritas

Alcohol reduces inhibitions it doesn't change who people are or how they think.

He wasn't just drunk he was belligerent and aggressive.

Shit shag too - get rid.

Errr, why did you lock him out?! With no money?! No wonder he was pissed off! Wtf was he supposed to do?

On occasion I have come home drunk. My DP has seen me in and sorted me out with tea and bed. He has never told me to leave.

Why did you tell your DH to leave OP?

Really? You wouldn't let him into his own home because he was drunk?

What the hell? Why didn't you let him in to just go to bed? What right do you have to withhold his bank card and kick him out?

Because he was so pissed that when he came home he threw the door open with such force it put a dent in my wall and woke the kids up. There were upset and not used to seeing drunk people falling about the place. To clarify about how drunk he was, when the police came and I explained that there was no dv but Id asked him to leave until sober, the police officer did say he didnt blame me as it wasnt fair on the children.

We had no money until the tax credits were paid (normally 3-4am) as far as I knew although it turned out money had been paid early but I text his boss to ask when he'd be paid as wasn't due until this coming friday.
OH spent the last of previous months wages on his bender.

Guest It is my bank account. He has his wages paid into mine because he hasn't got around to sorting a new 1 for himself.

Also, he was easily able to spend the night at any number of places until sober. Ie his man cave (the fully heated shed), the caravan, his mum's who's on holiday and lives 2 streets away.

I don't get why you didn't let him sleep it off on the sofa. Where was he meant to go?
Drunk people are annoying but reasoning with them is pointless.

Op,
I still don't understand your reaction to him coming home drunk.

Most drunks are noisy, but you normally get them to bed.

Unless there's more to this story ?

If he wasn’t threatening you then you had no business locking him out of the house with no money on a freezing night. Pissed people are annoying but he wanted to sleep it off.

And throwing your wedding ring out of the window was childish & provocative.

(Cue the drip feed).

Belligerent drunks tell their truths when they're drunk. They don't do it when they're sober. He also made sure everybody heard what he thought of you. So add purposeful humiliation into the mix.

I doubt very much things have been "brilliant" for the last few years or you'd not have barred him for an episode of drunkenness.

I'm not sure what you think you can do. If you love him so much and you're staying you'll have to put up with it. Maybe try to see if he'll go for relationship counselling with you. But you'll have to be honest re your supposedly "brilliant" relationship in order to try to tackle this properly.

It seems unreasonable to me to lock him out because he's intoxicated, if I came home in such a state DH would pop me to bed with a glass of water. I would think the locking out and not giving access to money has contributed to the situation escalating.

He had options (see above). He wasn't just drunk he was pissed out his tree. And again the kids aren't used to seeing that level of intoxication. The 3 youngest are only little and don't need to be seeing that or hearing the pissed ramblings that were going to come out of his mouth.
As it is my 11 year old now knows her mother was used drugs to deal with an event as does the rest of the street.

But your husband that you are happy with and have been happy with for the last 4 years, gets drunk and instead of laughing at him and saying “you silly sod, you will regret that in the morning” or telling him to sleep on the sofa you chucked him out of your house with no money and nowhere to sleep?

He didn’t come in and shout a load of abuse at you, he just came home drunk, and you said the kids had never seen that before so this obviously isn’t a regular occurrence?

You said he put a dent in ‘your’ wall, isn’t it ‘his’ wall too if you have been together for 12 years and have two kids?

I don’t think you are giving the full facts here.

Op I have done what you did, but my ex was an alcoholic, and it was after many years of him turning up at stupid o'clock, in aggressive/violent states, after disappearing on benders, (although I do suspect now cocaine could also have been a factor). He also spoke to me the way your ex did to you. He was violent too though.

Is there some backstory as to why you wouldn't let him in? Was his damaging of property that night the first time/a one off?

I have nothing to drip feed I said it all as basically as I could in my OP but I'll give more details if Ness.
Things really have been brilliant the last 4.5 years and Thursday was a bolt out of the blue.
He hasn't come home pissed since the eldest was born as we agreed we didn't want them exposed to that.
We had NO money as far as either of us were aware for me to give him and he could of gone 5 feet to the left of our front door to his man cave or any other the other options he had available to him. So no I did not deliberately withhold money.

I'm obviously in the wrong here going by the replies so I'll apologise for my unreasonable behaviour when he wakes up and won't leave but will strive to be a more understanding wife

Did your parents have issues with alcohol? "We agreed we didn't want them exposed to that". If you still feel this strongly about it 4.5 years later, and he can clearly go without it, you could ask him to stick to his promise in future, and explain that him doing this felt like "a bolt out of the blue". And however else you feel. Be truthful. Others may not be bothered by drunken misbehaviour, leaving marks in walls, shouting abuse all over the street etc, but everyone has different expectations, and it sounds like you've made yours clear from the start.

It'll take a lot longer to fix the damage his words will have caused, than the wall sadly. He's an utter bastard for saying all that, and in a way just proved that he was in no fit state to come in. No attempt to be calm or reasonable, just getting the nasty head on. Only you'll know if he really regrets what he said, or if he'll do this again .

Wicked no he's not violent. He's not a drug user either. (I'm sorry uve been through that x)
No back story regarding our relationship.
He has damaged property once before but that was pre kids (yes he was drunk) when he punched our fridge freezer but he recieved some news that he didnt know how to deal with.

Mrstumble we have 4 kids but yes I was happy with him until Thursday. I don't know why I would find his entrance funny when all 4 kids were upset at what they were witnessing.
If he had come in quietly and just gone to bed, I wouldn't of had a problem, although I wouldn't be amused and there probably would of been some kind of chat the next day about it considering our mutual agreement regarding what the kids are exposed too.

BUT yeah anyway I'm planning my apology and how I'm going to explain my behaviour in the morning. Maybe breakfast in bed, he usually likes that on his days off cos he can stay in bed longer, and then take the kids out for the day so he can have the day to himself.

sorry wicked x post. My mum's an alcoholic and so is his but it was his idea that we didn't expose any children to it when I first was pg with eldest and I wholeheartedly agreed.
I feel really bad because he isn't a bad man.
But like u said the words really hurt. I don't feel very attractive after 4 kids and he knows that.
I don't think he is sorry because he denies meaning it like that but his explanation doesn't make sense. The biggest issue I think is the shouting what he did at the top of his voice because although the neighbours can go fuck themselves, our 11 year now knows things I never planned on telling her and is asking questions I cannot awnser in a child friendly way. That and the fact that what happened last night i feel dirty and he doesn't seem to care.
x

But he is human and humans make mistakes. He came in and banged the door loudly, he didn’t do it on purpose he was drunk. Annoying if he dented the wall, yes, he should fix that and hopefully he will feel bad. but kicking him out of his own house because of a one off intoxication, is a bit harsh.

Children seeing their dad drunk once isn’t that bad, if it was a regular occurrence of course that isn’t acceptable, They are going to watch telly and see drunk people, it’s just one of those things.

With regard to the sex you have had I would have a chat with him tomorrow about everything, say he shocked you being drunk but you are sorry you locked him out. But you are also upset about the things he said, he should apologise for that too. Say how when you had sex you felt a bit used and unloved and was hoping that it would help you make up and actually made you feel more distant. Get it out in the open and talk with each other.

Do NOT apologize! He was so drunk he upset your children. You are both children of alcoholics so he should know better than to subject him to this. And he spent your limited household cash on drink. I’m not saying LTB, but have a good long think about how you want to live your life and how you should be treated. You did exactly the right thing. You are not a doormat. You are a human being who deserves more.

I agree with Mrstumbletap you both need to have a serious conversation. He didn't behave well and you escalated the situation with some unhelpful choices. You don't need to go over the top with apologies but you do both need to clear the air and work out future strategies if one of you gets drunk.

I can't help thinking that it would have been less damaging for the children to hear their father drunk than the Punch and Judy show that you describe.

No idea why you didn't let him in.