Cruel words from him said while drunk

[itsnotmethatneedstobemedicated]

Hi So I have been with my husband for 12 years and we have had our ups and downs but most things have been brilliant in the last 4.5 years.
However, Thursday night he came home from work pissed. So for the kids sake I told him he needed to leave and couldn't be here whilst that drunk.
He did leave the house and I locked the door behind him. BUT he kept coming back, banging on the door asking if he could come in and just go to bed. I stood firm and kept telling him no, and then he'd change his tune and ask for the bank card so he could get his wages out of the atm. Again I told him no as his wages had not been paid yet (i checked) and I needed the card for our tax credits the next day to be able to do the food shopping, energy payment, rent etc.
Anyway, after the 3rd time he started getting nnasty, telling me to watch?? He then started shouting my private business about my past drug use for the whole street to hear. At this point I'd had enough and threw my wedding ring out the bathroom window. He then got even nastier telling me that was fine as he's been trying to get rid of me for 12 years. Next, was try cleaning the house yourself u dirty grub. He went further and said "You don't do anything for me anyway". Neighbours phoned police because of his shouting, they attended and moved him on and he didn't come back until 8am Sat morning. He was sober at this point so legally I could not keep him out of our joint home.
He is full of apologises and said he didnt mean it the way I took it and tried to explain what he meant (I didn't understand his explanation as it doesn't make sense). He'd been sucking up ever since and last night i willingly had sex with him BUT I didn't get anything out of it and it was over before it really began, no foreplay, just a quick check 2 see if I was wet (sorry tmi) and there was no lovingness (cuddles, kisses, I love u's) . I feel like it was some sort of pity fuck. I've been in tears most of today but he either hasn't noticed or doesn't care, the kids haven't noticed either thank God.
I don't know what to do. I love him so much and this is completely ooc but I feel so hurt and used right now.
Would you stay or would you already be gone??

wow defensive much. It doesn't really matter the reasons you took drugs. You made a choice.
So your eldest now knows mummys not perfect? So what no mother is.
Like I said use it as a learning tool. Tell her what happened, and the dangerous situations you put yourself in so that it doesn't happen to her. Warn her about men who appear too good to be true and tell her tht they always are in the end

I didn't say you had to roll over and do what ever he wanted but obviously he is not satisfied with your physical relationship so you can't blame him for being annoyed.
Would you prefer he just shut up and said nothing and then go looking elsewhere to be satisfied because that's what will happen if it's not already, given that his behaviours suddenly changed.

Well that was a horrible night for all concerned and what’s important now is getting over it.

Can you let everything calm down for a few days, and then have a calm discussion with him when your dd is not around? And explain why you would really want to go for counselling together.

The way he is acting now sounds really upsetting and it is destructive on your relationship, whether he means it to be or not. There are obviously issues going on under the surface that you both probably find hard to handle given your pasts, and you know what? That’s ok.

I think perhaps both of you should be kinder to one another.

You are both people just trying to get along and live your lives after some pretty awful stuff, and that stuff is dragging you back into the past and sometimes it’s making stuff really bloody hard for you both.

Realizing your own triggers, and each other’s, might help you both have awareness and sensitivity around what situations are going to get bad for each other really quickly.

I also think some kindness on this thread wouldn’t go amiss. The OP has clearly gone through some awful experiences in the past. It makes situations like this much more difficult to handle. Her partner to a lesser but still important extent, the same. So judging them unfairly against a similar but different yardstick then hitting her over the head with it isn’t going to help anyone!

Be kind and gentle to yourself. And try and be kind and generous to your husband. You both need to restore calm and remember you love each other, and see if you can go from there.

I think you wanted a bit of drama

You do know this is not AIBU, right? Snarky comments are not helpful in Relationships.