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Original poster

Cruel words from him said while drunk

79 replies

itsnotmethatneedstobemedicated · 04/04/2018 01:26

Hi So I have been with my husband for 12 years and we have had our ups and downs but most things have been brilliant in the last 4.5 years.
However, Thursday night he came home from work pissed. So for the kids sake I told him he needed to leave and couldn't be here whilst that drunk.
He did leave the house and I locked the door behind him. BUT he kept coming back, banging on the door asking if he could come in and just go to bed. I stood firm and kept telling him no, and then he'd change his tune and ask for the bank card so he could get his wages out of the atm. Again I told him no as his wages had not been paid yet (i checked) and I needed the card for our tax credits the next day to be able to do the food shopping, energy payment, rent etc.
Anyway, after the 3rd time he started getting nnasty, telling me to watch?? He then started shouting my private business about my past drug use for the whole street to hear. At this point I'd had enough and threw my wedding ring out the bathroom window. He then got even nastier telling me that was fine as he's been trying to get rid of me for 12 years. Next, was try cleaning the house yourself u dirty grub. He went further and said "You don't do anything for me anyway". Neighbours phoned police because of his shouting, they attended and moved him on and he didn't come back until 8am Sat morning. He was sober at this point so legally I could not keep him out of our joint home.
He is full of apologises and said he didnt mean it the way I took it and tried to explain what he meant (I didn't understand his explanation as it doesn't make sense). He'd been sucking up ever since and last night i willingly had sex with him BUT I didn't get anything out of it and it was over before it really began, no foreplay, just a quick check 2 see if I was wet (sorry tmi) and there was no lovingness (cuddles, kisses, I love u's) . I feel like it was some sort of pity fuck. I've been in tears most of today but he either hasn't noticed or doesn't care, the kids haven't noticed either thank God.
I don't know what to do. I love him so much and this is completely ooc but I feel so hurt and used right now.
Would you stay or would you already be gone??

OP posts:
Unicornsandrainbows3 · 04/04/2018 04:11

I don't think you are wrong for not wanting your kids exposed to that at all and the police agreed with you. Sounds like he told you what he really thinks of you and behaving like that around young children is in no way ok.

Shadow666 · 04/04/2018 04:29

I don’t think you need to apologize. He had no right getting in that state and upsetting you and the children. I think you need to think about what you want out of this relationship.

Vathek · 04/04/2018 04:38

If, as I understand from your posts, you have previously been addicted to drugs, and your parent is alcoholic, would you not have some understanding of how someone can easily overindulge? I suspect that you overreacted because of your personal history.If this behaviour is out of character for DH, I would just have a long chat, make up (he clearly wants to), and move forward.

nursy1 · 04/04/2018 05:03

I can understand you being cross OP but my instincts would have been different, to diffuse the situation rather than ramp it up.
Yes, your kids were shocked but shoving him into the lounge whilst you dealt with them then putting a bucket in there and throwing a blanket over him would have lead to a much better outcome, or even just letting him in as he asked to go to bed. There is no reasoning with a drunk. Your actions just escalated it more.
You could have done the angry thing in the morning when the kids went to school. You could have both sat them down that evening and explained/ reassured as appropriate.
I’m not shifting all the blame onto you btw, he has been an idiot but you didn’t handle it well.

seethesunaftersnow · 04/04/2018 06:16

You've majorly overreacted and contributed to make this situation a lot worse than it needed to be! You should of just let him in and slept it off in bed or on the sofa!

RainyApril · 04/04/2018 06:25

Some pp have alluded to him 'telling the truth' while drunk, but it doesn't seem that bad to me.

He revealed your previous drug use, probably because you were being pious about him being drunk.

He called you a 'dirty grub' and said he'd been trying to get rid of you for 12yrs.

I've heard a lot worse than 'dirty grub' from drunk people in arguments, and the other comment was in response to you throwing your wedding ring at him.

I'm teetotal and find drunk people intensely annoying but even I'm struggling to see what he's done that's awful enough to deny him entry to his house and threaten to end a marriage.

I think your dc were more traumatised by seeing you lock him out and arguing from an upstairs window, not to mention seeing their dad moved on by police.

rwalker · 04/04/2018 06:37

I don't think you could of wound him up more if you tried.

AnyFucker · 04/04/2018 06:44

Good lord, what an awful lot of drama that could have been prevented in the 1st place.

I am not one for pacifying drunk men but I don't actually see the point of your stance at all at the time you made it

Bluebelle38 · 04/04/2018 07:12

Oh my god he was drunk. He only wanted to sleep. I take it this is not a regular occurrence. You need to lighten up. Your reaction provoked him. And yes you are in the wrong. He should have not been so drunk, but your reaction was excessive.

Alfiemoon1 · 04/04/2018 08:15

Personally I think u agrivated the situation by locking him out. If u had just let him in put him to bed laughed with dc silly daddy then the whole street plus your dc wouldn’t have heard your business and there would of been no need for the police. Yes it’s annoying but if it’s not on a regular basis I think we can all get carried away at times

Dissimilitude · 04/04/2018 08:16

He got drunk. Bit of a sin. His reward should have been a headache and a telling off in the morning.

You locked him out of his own house, causing a massive public scene and nearly get him arrested, and threatening the marriage over the incident.

What you did was worse.

category12 · 04/04/2018 08:33

Both having grown up with alcoholism and with the agreements you had with him, I can understand why you reacted like that and thought he should sleep it off elsewhere. It could have been predicted it would go sideways with someone that drunk, but he's the one who let you down.

Elllicam · 04/04/2018 08:39

What @rwalker said.

YoucancallmeVal · 04/04/2018 08:45

I don't think you can refuse a man entry to his own home then get pissed off when he has a go at you. I'd have been less than complimentary about you if you'd done that to me.

Huskylover1 · 04/04/2018 09:03

What a magical childhood your kids must be having.

You were totally in the wrong here. So he got pissed? Who cares? He's a fully grown man, and if he wants to get pissed, he can, surely?

All he wanted to do, was to come in and go to sleep. No drama. No upset kids. But no, you threw him out, created a massive drama over frankly nothing, called the Police (yes, they have absolutely nothing better to do, than attend to this bullshit), and a massive scene followed, all no doubt witnessed by your kids.

And sorry, but if I was married to someone who was a Junkie, I'd think you were a bit OTT as well.

RainyApril · 04/04/2018 09:05

Tbf I think it was the neighbours who called the police

LizzieDarcy1907 · 04/04/2018 09:11

I'd say you massively over reacted. It was your behaviour and not his that caused the issue.

Costacoffeeplease · 04/04/2018 09:58

Were the children upset because of your reaction, rather than his behaviour? I can’t see that a door banging would have been that upsetting

You did ramp it up into something that was much worse, and totally avoidable

Holycrapwhatnow · 04/04/2018 10:10

Usually I'm totally horrified at how permissive lots of people are in Mumsnet about drinking, and cannot believe that in this case I'm on the side of the drunk guy wanting to piss away his wages, but there's a first for everything... You really were that unreasonable. Wothhokding the bank card makes sense. Being extremely angry makes sense. Locking him out of the house and throwing your wedding ring out the window when you say he's been a decent partner overall is a massive overreaction and means you also need to take a lot of the responsibility for creating a very traumatic scene for your DCs.

Alfiemoon1 · 04/04/2018 10:11

I totally understand you being a bit annoyed him getting drunk but surely getting him to bed out the way and dealing with it the next day when he’s sober. That would have been less distressing for your dc than hearing him banging on the door and the police being called by your neighbours for causing a scene I would be mortified

Cricrichan · 04/04/2018 10:13

This scene was of your making. He's not been drunk in 12 years so it's not a regular occurrence. He was so drunk that he stumbled and made a noise. He just wanted to go to bed. And you kicked him out!!! Wtf? No wonder he was pissed off. If he was so drunk then it was also dangerous to let him wonder outside on his own. He could have been knocked down by a car.

NellythePink · 04/04/2018 10:13

You shouldn't have locked him out, but he sounds like a prick. LTB

HoppingPavlova · 04/04/2018 10:16

What a massive drama. He came home wanting to just go to bed. Surely it would have only taken him a few minutes for him to stumble there, you could throw in a bucket and leave him to it. I can't imagine how the kids would have been traumatised by this (face it we have all been there ....).

Instead by refusing to let him in and carrying on about it a huge scene ensued which sounds terrible and I imagine the children would have been traumatised by this.

I think you could have avoided pretty much the entire debacle. If you were unhappy about him coming home drunk (and just wanting to crash in bed by the sound of it) surely you would have been better off waiting until the next day when he was recovered and discussing it in a civilised manner.

AnyFucker · 04/04/2018 11:33

I hope you can sort it out today, op.

Personalsituations99 · 04/04/2018 11:49

I'm on the fence here.
Huskylover1 calling her a junkie! Come on! She isnt anymore and throwing someones past in their face when they have done everything to sort it out is wrong.
Being drunk is no excuse for abuse.
However, I don't think locking your man out becuase he was arseholed is right! I was pretty drunk sunday (hardly do it often at all) But went out enjoyed myself and came back pretty merry lol! My partner would not dare lock me out! Thats what caused this whole mess. But tbh if I were him and like you say he had a man cave. I'd go sleep in there, not cause a scene. I dont think either of you have handled this sitiation great at all and I think your both in the wrong. Apoligise to each other. Have a converstation.
I would also sit your kids down apoligise to them for both your behaviour together and move on from there.
Discuss underlying issues because there is some clearly and make an agreement.
Going out and getting drunk sometimes is not wrong and it wont effect your children.
Thats the main issue here isnt It OP?

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