Cruel words from him said while drunk

[itsnotmethatneedstobemedicated]

Hi So I have been with my husband for 12 years and we have had our ups and downs but most things have been brilliant in the last 4.5 years.
However, Thursday night he came home from work pissed. So for the kids sake I told him he needed to leave and couldn't be here whilst that drunk.
He did leave the house and I locked the door behind him. BUT he kept coming back, banging on the door asking if he could come in and just go to bed. I stood firm and kept telling him no, and then he'd change his tune and ask for the bank card so he could get his wages out of the atm. Again I told him no as his wages had not been paid yet (i checked) and I needed the card for our tax credits the next day to be able to do the food shopping, energy payment, rent etc.
Anyway, after the 3rd time he started getting nnasty, telling me to watch?? He then started shouting my private business about my past drug use for the whole street to hear. At this point I'd had enough and threw my wedding ring out the bathroom window. He then got even nastier telling me that was fine as he's been trying to get rid of me for 12 years. Next, was try cleaning the house yourself u dirty grub. He went further and said "You don't do anything for me anyway". Neighbours phoned police because of his shouting, they attended and moved him on and he didn't come back until 8am Sat morning. He was sober at this point so legally I could not keep him out of our joint home.
He is full of apologises and said he didnt mean it the way I took it and tried to explain what he meant (I didn't understand his explanation as it doesn't make sense). He'd been sucking up ever since and last night i willingly had sex with him BUT I didn't get anything out of it and it was over before it really began, no foreplay, just a quick check 2 see if I was wet (sorry tmi) and there was no lovingness (cuddles, kisses, I love u's) . I feel like it was some sort of pity fuck. I've been in tears most of today but he either hasn't noticed or doesn't care, the kids haven't noticed either thank God.
I don't know what to do. I love him so much and this is completely ooc but I feel so hurt and used right now.
Would you stay or would you already be gone??

I can't believe you locked him out for being drunk! I would be HUGELY pissed off if someone tried to do that to me - where was he supposed to go with no money?

No, what he said wasn't very pleasant at all, but I imagine if he'd just come home and slept it off, none of this would have happened. Starting a row with a drunk person is never a good idea - it's never going to end well. Okay, he was a bit noisy and slammed a door open - he was hardly violent/threatening - you caused much more of a scene by refusing to let him in his own home.

I hope you've both calmed down and you both need to apologise for your childish and nasty behaviour.

are u the OP? I thought u only had 1 dd?
Anyway I really don't think it matters what your issues are or were you still took drugs so the other poster is right your were a junkie and now ur upset that everyone knows.
You had no right to keep him out once he asked to come back in.
As for your dd what's to explain? You took drugs, you realised 1 day that was bad and you got clean. Use it as any opportunity to tell her the dangers of drugs? You husband is right maybe now she won't be stupid enough to make the same mistakes.

Also, if u are a shit lay then I can hardly blame your husband for being annoyed by that.

YABMU

To be honest, i wouldn't have asked him to leave and withheld his bank card either. I know you're not trying to change your position and basically say it was his idea to leave, but when he asked to get back in you should have let him.

We are all stupid at some point and yeah get drunk every now and again, our partners don't chuck us out into the night and deny us access to money. That's fairly shitty.

I agree with the poster it would have been healthier for your children to see him drunk than it would be for them to over hear the mess that resulted.

I think was six of one and half a dozen of the other. Imo you should have let him in and he should have gone to bed. All that making him leave and locking the door did was aggravate the situation. Trying to reason with a drunk is like trying to platt fog. But he WU to come home pissed whilst the kids were up and act like a tit.

Woah hang on a minute. The poster who said its okay he told your daughter! No its not okay at all! Hes out of order for that. Thats your past and only you have the right to sit down with your DD and discuss that!

& by the sounds of it hes the shit lay. But thats an other issue you'll have to sort between yourselves.

If I came home drunk and my DP locked me out of my own house and withheld all sources of money from me, I would leave him for being abusive.

I think it's quite abusive that he pays his wages into op's bank account and doesn't have access to the money, only one debit card that she controls.

mommy2018 I have 4 dc and none of us business why I only talk about my youngest dd.

Use it as an opportunity? You know nothing about why I ended up on drugs but how exactly would I explain to an 11yo not to run away with an abusive man who gets you addicted to drugs to make you compliant?

As for being a 'shit lay' thats a reasonable excuse to deliberately hurt me is it? Again u know nothing as to why I have issues regarding certain things in the bedroom but HE DOES and he threw it back in my face not only when he was pissed but this morning when he was perfectly sober!
I have no idea what's caused this change in him all of a sudden but I don't need some nasty woman on the internet telling me he is allowed to be annoyed and I should just roll over and do what ever he wants!!

look at Your read the whole thread there was no money for him to access and it is my bank account and my bank card because he can't be arsed to get a new account for himself or come with me to make my account a joint 1. I suppose I should have handed over my bank card and let him wait until the tax credits went in for him to get even more pissed and then not had enough to feed our kids?

I'm starting to seriously regret posting for advice as all it's done is give certain posters an excuse to make me feel like shit when I was already feeling shit anyway but thanks to every1 else who put things in a more polite way even though you don't agree with what I did.

I'm the child of an alcoholic and I totally understand what you did op.

He wasn't "just going to bed" initially he was pratting about in the kitchen trying to cook (not exactly safe when pissed).

His not having his own account is his responsibility. He had places to go.

Re the drug use that is the worst way for dd to find out especially given the dh would have known the background and that this opens a whole other can of worms in what the dd can/should/needs to be told.

My ex would also get very argumentative when he'd had a certain drink so after talking to him about this (when sober) we agreed he'd not come home when he was like this. One time he tried to and is locked him out and he battered on the door. I refused him entry and eventually he took himself off to stay elsewhere. Next day he agreed he was out of order and apologised and didn't do it again.

I actually think you behaved in an abusive manner.

Last year I went out drinking with a colleague and we both got really drunk - I went home, my DP met me off public transport to walk me home, got me some water, made sure I was in my PJs and tucked me into bed. By contrast, my colleague's DH locked her out of the house, told her she was a shit parent and she spend the night sleeping in the garden - her children witnessed the whole thing. There is no world where that behaviour was not abusive.

Your children would have recovered from drunk daddy - you'd make a comment that he's silly to them and the next day daddy apologises and everyone is fine. What you've now done is exposed your children to aggression, shouting, insulting slammed back and forth and a wholely scary and intimidating situation.

I don't want to kick you when you are down, but I really think you need to step back for a second and consider your behaviour. If it had been you that had too much to drink, how would you have accepted being locked out of your own home with no access to money at all - by the person you supposedly trust and love most in the world.

He was stupid for getting so drunk and the insults were cruel - but they wouldn't have happened if you'd acted like the responsible person in the situation. Instead you were petty and immature.

wonderline if I had gone and spent the last of my wages on getting pissed I wouldn't have gone home until sober. I certainly wouldn't have screamed abuse at a person I say I love.
I'm also not sure why you think I exposed the kids to anything?
I did NOT deny him access to any money. As far as we were both aware there was no money in the bank (this is our first bank holiday since having tax credits).

You say they wouldn't have happened if I'd not acted that way so why is he saying nasty things while perfectly sober? Punishment maybe?
I am nothing like the husband u described, I did not name call, call him a shit parent or make him sleep out in the open (again he had many options available to him).
Yes I was stupid when I there my wedding ring out the window but that was it. I did not scream abuse at him, I did not shout at him. I did not slam things either. In fact while he was screaming and shouting abuse I was trying to get 4 kids to go back to bed.

Yes I was the irresponsible 1 spending my hard earned cash on Jack Daniels and doing something I promised I would never do. Oh no wait a minute that was him cos I have never broken any promise I've made but he managed to break every single 1 in 1 night. BUT your right I'm a abusive bitch and need to leave before I emotionally damage him and my kids anymore than I already have. I'll go pack my bags as soon as I report myself to the police

Op, you had an argument that escalated. It happens. Sounds like there is a lot of stress and worry flying around.

Try not to get wound up by people still coming onto the thread to have a go at you. Bit slow on the trigger, some folk.

Take it easy. Talk to your husband and sort it out if it is possible to do so. I hope you found your wedding ring.

Oh fuck off with the hyperbole. I didn’t call you an ‘abusive bitch’ - I said you acted in an abusive manner for fuck’s sake. You were petty and you were immature. He shouldn’t have got that drunk - but he did and apparently it’s the only slight in 4 and a half years and your response rather than sighing it off and dealing with it appropriately the next day was to kick him out of his home.

The children will have been more affected the aftermath of the situation that happened than him just being drunk - thanks to both of you. But the reason I’m particularly talking to you as he isn’t here - otherwise I’d tell him he’s an idiot too.

You are wrong. You shouldn’t have behaved that way. You were in control of all your facilities and he wasn’t - therefore you were the responsible adult in the situation. It’s shit because you didn’t ask to be put in that position, but you was and for the sake of everyone involved you should have behaved better.

And if this is the first time since your eldest was born that he’s drunk like this, then why can’t he once in x amount of years spend his wage drinking?

*faculties

OP, you're getting a very hard time on this thread from people, some of whom don't come from families of alcoholics, and have not been through what you have, now having to deal with similar shit, and no doubt having flashbacks. They will not understand.

No you didn't handle it well, you wanted him away from the kids but it backfired.

I'm sorry OP. He sounds like a wanker. He has humiliated you in front of your neighbours. He wasn't just a bit pissed, the Police were called. He filtered away the last of your cash when you have four kids and he could have spent it on them.

He's very selfish.

But for me - taking into account his past, him acting like this despite coming from a background like yours, and knowing what harm drinking can do, yet still choosing to act like a total tool - I would not be able to forgive that. I would just not be able to get out of my head the fact that your poor 11 year old had to sit there listening to it all. Awful . Forget what he did to you. I couldn't forgive that.

I wouldn't want to continue with a man like that. But if you do then my first deal breaker would be he never drinks again and goes to regular Al Anon meetings before he's in danger of turning into the abusive alcoholic parent he had.

Regular Al Anon for getting legless pissed once in 12 years? Fucking hell!

You called me abusive and likened me to an emotional abusive asshole so pardon me if I took offence, I tend to get sarcastic when I'm offended.

No he wasn't in control of his faculties so if he had hit me that would have been fine too because he wasn't in control of himself.

No this is not the first time he's been drunk, he goes out every couple of months or so but he doesn't come home until sober.
I think I'm a better judge of what has impacted our kids more than you are considering they are my children and I know them better than you.
I have no problem him going out but in the real world of responsible grown ups you don't go spending that amount of money on getting pissed when there are much bigger priorities to sort out.

Bringback it is possible I had some sort of flashback I don't know. BUT the biggest thing for me is why he's suddenly like this. We normally talk our problems out but he won't talk to me. He's even refusing to tell me how he actually spent so much money that night, other than they were drinking champagne. I tried suggesting counciling but he just brushed me off.

Anyfucker, No I haven't got my wedding ring, he's got it but neither of us have mentioned it
x

Do people not read the thread?

Fuckwit. Al anon is for family of alcoholics. He is from a family of alcoholics. He possibly could have had a drink problem before he had kids.
How come people don't get that it's not sometimes as simple as going and having a little drink and getting pissed like me or you do for everyone.

And you wonder why she overrated?
RTFT!

Eh? Why was my message deleted? Because I said "batshit"?!

He was a dick for
-spending all the money
-airing out all your dirty laundry
-sulking and dragging it out now. If you were willing to apologise,so should he.

You were unreasonable on one main point... expect someone that drunk to make rational and sensible decisions/conclusions like thinking of the options he had,or that there wasn't any money card or no card. His drink muddled brain had tunnel vision..get in the house or get the card(maybe try and drink more) and you were the "mean" one keeping him away from both.

I think the main issue now is that it's still dragging out now that he is sober and he's still being mean,evasive and distant. It could be he's defensive for being a dickhead or because something else is going on. Either way,while he's like this ,things can't get better.

But what do I know? Apparently I'm a fuckwit.

For goodness sake, stop being so fucking hyperbolic. No he clearly wouldn’t have been okay hitting you because he was drunk (who said he would?), Yes he was an idiot for being that drunk/ saying cruel things - but the fact remains that you were in control of the situation (in a way that drunk people rarely are) and you decided to act immaturely. Does that excuse him? No. Does that absolve you of any guilt? Also no.

Your children or any children my point is true - they are more likely to be affected by their father being drunk and the fallout from it rather than just the fact that he was drunk. They may not have been affected from any of it - but if they are going to be impacted from him drinking them they will be from the argument that followed too.

I am sorry you are in this position and I do think your DH was out of order for talking to you like that, but I do think you need to acknowledge that none of this would have happened if you just let him in and go to bed.

Have a conversation with him - apologise for locking him out but reiterate that his behaviour was out of order. You clearly both need to air out the issue if you are going to move forward.

Good luck.

It sounds like this was really a tough fight, which changed the way you relate to him. Unfortunately things have now happened that cen't be undone.
Being drunk can happen. I wonder how much your own fears denied the man access to his own bed. Sleeping it off is the simplest thing to do. Leaving him on the street vulnerable with no money? Not sure that is the best course of action.
Also I am not sure how safe picking a fight with a drunk man is. It can escalate.
Would he have hit you? no because he has not done it in the past. If so you should really have left him/leave him.