Sex every day challenge

[TeaCoffeeCakeGinWine]

DH and I have reached a point where we seem to be mismatched with our sex drives. He’d happily do it every day whereas I feel I could take it or leave it (I still love and fancy him but am knackered because of being at home with young kids, also feel quite low in my self esteem and body image etc etc).
So, I was thinking of suggesting something like a sex everyday challenge. I’ve heard of people doing this, almost to reset their sex life. Anyone have any experience of this? Was it helpful? Did it work?

I think I'm in a similar position to you OP. DH wants sex more than I do although he would never pressure me into doing it or anything. I do want to do it sometimes but just don't feel I have the energy! (We have 2 young DC too plus both work).

I'm not sure I could do it every day though!?! Maybe every other or every 3???

One thing I have suggested is to do it as soon as the DC are in bed. That way I'm not quite as tired plus I know we still have some 'down time' afterwards so we can still watch TV/ relax on the sofa etc.
And this does work - though we still only do it about twice a week!

Ooo this sounds interesting. Place marking for the results of the sexcapade!

I think why not give it a go. You don’t have to tell your DH that’s the plan.
Being a parent is hard and I realise that I don’t take time for myself. Have that shower/bath, shave the bits I want to/ used to to pre kids.
Sex everyday may only last for a week before your DH says ‘not tonight hun’.
If you need more affection during the day and outside the bedroom then ask for it.
Let us know how it goes though!

If the problem is that you’re not in the mood/too tired etc then I don’t see how making yourself do it everyday is going to help that? For me that would turn it into another chore, another thing to add to the long list of things I do for other people rather than a pleasurable experience (which is what I thought sex was supposed to be - not an obligation).

Surely the best thing to do is deal with the reasons why you’re not feeling it at the moment? Maybe rather than you having to have sex everyday for a month you could do the opposite- make time to be intimate/loving everyday but sex is off the table. So cuddles, caressing, baths together etc but no sex.

I understand what you're saying and I've heard of the 'challenge' set by relationship therapists. The problem with saying 'do it 3 times a week' is that when your libido is low the 'we'll do it tomorrow' turns into 'we'll do the first of the 3 times tomorrow' which ends up never done. Every day for a month is harsh, perhaps go for every other day for a fortnight. I completely know where you're coming from (excuse the pun!) OP, I never want to have sex with DH. We can go months without but when we do I think that it was great, let's do it again tomorrow! But then life gets in the way and it'll be another few months before it happens again. The 'challenge' is to get you out of a rut. If you're initiating it and not being pressured it can absolutely help you reconnect.

To the PP who don’t have sex much because of kids, is it due to having bad sleepers?

I read that Guardian article a few years back too and it definitely resonated with me - as does your post and the PP who said the less they did it, the less they felt like it.

With 4 DC and zero family support, as well as some pretty trying situations over the last few years including international moves, job moves, school moves etc tbh we were at a point where we maybe had sex once a month. It was never that I didn’t fancy DH - I just had other priorities (like rest!) and my head has to be in the right space for sex - I find it really hard to just make myself in the mood if my head is full of the kids’ crap day at school, or the impending upheaval of a new job, or simply that I miss my friends from home and am lonely etc etc etc. DH on the other hand can switch it on immediately. For him - it’s often a way to de-stress, for me - I’d rather cuddle and fall asleep.

We went for a minimum of once a week, but aiming for twice a week. That felt way more realistic than daily, and saying it was once or twice in a 7 day period meant there was less pressure. It could be Sat & Sun if we were having a lazy weekend, or Mon & Fri if the week got away from us. We aimed for twice a week but once was mandatory if you like.

It worked for us - I would say we managed twice a week maybe 70% of the time, and once a week the rest of the time. It’s not a lot by a lot of people’s standards but it was way better than once a month!

It definitely helped to bring us closer together and I think we would have continued had DH not gotten sick last year. Due to his cancer treatment we went more than 7months with nothing at all and we are slowly just finding our feet again with being intimate over these last few months as we process the trauma of the last year. I feel like we are now at a stage to really kickstart things again properly and I think we need to probably do something more scheduled again - we’re in a very different place to where we were a few years ago, and we are incredibly close in other physical ways, but I do miss the fun of sex and I need something to force me out of my head sometimes

samewitches that’s exactly it, when we do have sex it’s great and I love it. But life gets in the way and then we go weeks again without it. Every touch from my husband becomes awkward because I don’t k is if he just wants a cuddle or if he actually wants sex, which I probably don’t feel like having (though enjoy immensely when we do have it). This is definitely an attempt at getting us out of a bit of a rut.

So, we’ve had the chat. He is (unsurprisingly) happy with my suggestion. We are going to go for every other day (based on other's experiences of nasty bouts of thrush/cystitis) for the next 2 weeks, starting tomorrow. No pressure, if feeling ill or really not in the mood then we won’t do it. I am seeing it as a fun thing which will hopefully have positive efffects..

Tami for you, sounds like an incredibly tough time. Thanks for sharing your experience.
What you say about needing to be in the right headspace really resonates with me. I find after a day with the children I am mentally and emotionally exhausted, as well as physically tired. This does not make me feel particularly like sex, which I find is a more ‘mental’ thing for me IYSWIM. DH on the other hand can go from 0 to 100 miles an hour 🙄

notumbongo mine aren’t bad at sleeping wouldn’t mind if they didn’t get up quite so bloody early though
I’m just bloody exhausted from looking after them. I am going back to work soon and ironically I think I may have more energy!

So sex becomes another chore to be ticked off the list? What joy!

Yes Tea it’s definitely more of a mental thing than a physical one for me. I often need a long run up of cuddles and affection etc but that doesn’t really work when we have a teenager who is up until 9pm and I am falling asleep at 9.05pm!

user at the moment sex feels like a chore. This is an attempt to make it less so. Could be disastrous or could help us to get things back on track...

I think if it’s feeling like a chore then it’s definitely a mental thing. I couldn’t imagine ever feeling like having sex with my husband is a chore.
When my sister and her partner went through a dry patch they bought a book of different positions. It got them excited about sex again and they had a real laugh doing it!
And improved flexibility

What about a challenge for him to take some responsibility off your shoulders every day in exchange for you not being so knackered and then maybe wanting sex rather than feeling obliged?

If sex already feels like a chore I can’t see how this can help.

Taking the bins out is a chore. If I had to do that every day I can’t see how that would make it more enjoyable....

The trouble with not having sex very often is that the chore part might be it always being on your mind 'we just did it so I don't have to do it again for a while - he's hugged me, does he want sex? - it's been over a week, hmm, do I feel like it? - oh God it's over two weeks, should definitely do it tonight or is he too tired?' and it's that awful interior monologue and shall I/shan't I that this sort of challenge takes away. You just do it. Which actually is a lot less stressful in some ways.

For me that would turn it into another chore,

At one time or another, everything that I love doing in life has been a bit of a chore. But it has definitely been worth persevering with in the long term.

May you enjoy your time ahead OP.

anandale you have hit the nail on the head there, that’s exactly how the voice in my head sounds! And as I said previously, this is against the backdrop of a loving relationship, I absolutely love and fancy Lyn husband, he is an excellent partner, pulls his weight etc. I think life at the moment has put us into a rut.

Anyway, starting it tonight... will have to see

Not sure who Lyn is 😳 she’s definitely not joining us! Bloody autocorrect

Thankyou Dione!!

I feel like this too-and a lot of what as already been said is how I feel.
I think I am going to try for two times a week and make sure it happens because when it doesn't and then a week turns into two etc it all becomes so much harder to want to.
I feel tired all the time and just want to go to bed with my book!! As soon as my OH comes up to bed I start to dread him rolling over to give me a cuddle because I wonder if he will want it to lead to sex and then I will have to turn him down...NOPE this time I am gonna just go for it.
Wishing us luck and some good nights hehe.

Can't comment on the kid or relationship aspect OP, but if you buy some lube and pee soon after sex I'd imagine you wouldn't have too many issues with feeling sore or getting UTI's if you did this challenge. Of course nothing is ever a guarantee but my bf and I regularly have sex at least once daily (most we ever managed was 5 times in a 24hour period lol) and I never have any problems

Lube is your best friend, no shame in using it if you have to! Seriously buy some lube, even just the dirt cheap Boots homebrand stuff does the job just fine

I am curious how can that be done. My wife claims she gets sore down there after having sex one day and we need to take a break until the following weekend. I was always under the impression that was common for most women.

I have a much higher wax drive than DH and would happily have it at least once a day. We haven't for 5 Days currently (visiting family over Easter) and it's affecting my sleep!
When we do have sex daily, we are much better as a couple, more in tune with each other. I get grumpy if it isn't regular...