Sex every day challenge

[TeaCoffeeCakeGinWine]

DH and I have reached a point where we seem to be mismatched with our sex drives. He’d happily do it every day whereas I feel I could take it or leave it (I still love and fancy him but am knackered because of being at home with young kids, also feel quite low in my self esteem and body image etc etc).
So, I was thinking of suggesting something like a sex everyday challenge. I’ve heard of people doing this, almost to reset their sex life. Anyone have any experience of this? Was it helpful? Did it work?

This thread is really wierd. On MN over the many many years I have been here, I have read many many posters say they have very high sex drives and like to have sex every day. Some more than once.
I don't personally. But lots of women do.
But no. Not on this thread?

Maybe I should just clear up that when I say we went with the spontaneity route I meant that we agreed that whenever or wherever DH initiated sex I would always say yes, but he of course had to be aware that if I was literally dead on my feet or the surroundings weren't appropriate he wouldn't initiate sex.

Combine it with a no tv and in bed by 9pm rule and see if you can get sex and some more sleep.

Sounds like a chore tbh. I second what pp poster said, what about every other day? Then you both know what to expect and you don't need to be spontaneous.

Oblo I have a high sex drive; I'd be happy with sex once a day or more! But that doesn't feel overly relevant to the thread.

I think I'd go with Einsteins route, rather than a solid "we must have sex every day". That sounds like a great way to make sex a chore; which would even put me off.

The problem with every other day is that you still expect it and it becomes just as much of a chore as every day whereas if you're spontaneous you never know when, which imo adds to the excitement.

We rethought things and both agreed that we would go with the spontaneity route, basically whenever DH would initiate sex I would just go with it rather than turning him down, even if I was tired or cba. However DH had to agree that he would be considerate to how I felt that day, e.g. if I was obviously exhausted or feeling unwell etc, he wouldn't initiate sex.

OK, maybe I'm misunderstanding, but how is that 'spontaneity'? It's essentially you surrendering all the power/judgement to your DH and being totally passive.

Basically you agreed to 'consent' whenever he initiates, even if you don't want to? And rather than you agreeing to make an effort to engage more, it still lies with him to initiate 'considerately', by deciding if you're exhausted enough to be excused your duty?

Really? Maybe people who do this don't see it as a chore?
A goal, a challenge, a target? But one that they really enjoy? A nice one? Fun?

Not for me, personally. But I don't get why all posters are so down on the idea? Honestly.

I see the point about it becoming a chore. Trouble is, it’s already a chore (for me) and the spontaneous thing just isn’t working for us.. DH spontaneously initiates it and I tell him I’m too knackered. So at this rate we will never have sex again..

64 that’s a very interesting perspective. Hmmm 🤔

Yes oblomov I would hope we would see it as an enjoyable challenge. And I guess part of that is thinking of ways to change it up and keep things interesting

Maybe it's different because op is already struggling.

My friend wasn't and she and her husband felt cheeky and naughty at the prospect of the challenge.

64, it may seem as being passive and surrendering but that's not the case. It was actually my idea as I was unhappy with our sex life, it always seemed DH wanted it more than me but actually it turned out that I probably wanted it more than him throughout the day, however by the end of the day I was just too tired and cba, whereas DH would still be up for it.

The problem was because I kept turning him down later at night, he assumed I would also turn him down if he initiated sex during the day, and tbh even though I wanted it I found I was turning him down as I was busy doing other things rather than prioritising sex. I suppose our arrangement did begin with me surrendering to him but again, it was my idea so I willingly surrendered. Also not knowing when he would initiate sex added to the excitement which resulted me in becoming more assertive rather than submissive.

I do think the idea of a challenge, particularly if it’s suggested by the person who is usually less up for it, is potentially really positive. As long as you can both retain an ability to laugh about it and not feel you’ve failed if it doesn’t go as planned.

Like others have said, do get some decent lube though. I am quite up for sex with DP generally (although possibly because we don’t live together ) but if we do it 2/3 times within a day or two, like posters above I find it does trigger thrush. And we do already use lube! Maybe not enough though ...

Fair enough, Einstein. (And thank you for taking the time to clarify)

I've heard of an opposite type of challenge, to have physical contact and affection every day for a month but no sex.

The idea being similar, to reset the relationship.

I know which challenge I'd rather do!

Maybe you can do a month of each and report back.

No problem 64, I can see how it would appear that way from my OP.

Try whatever you are comfortable with but I agree you should also think about not being so hard on yourself?

This honestly sounds like the natural ebb and flow of sex in a healthy marriage.

It's one thing to make an effort but don't force yourself to have sex.

I did this with my (now) husband a few years ago. We did it for fun, started 1st of Jan, we did manage a good couple of months and it was fun. Fast forward 3 years and we now have 2 kids, we are lucky if we can fit in once a week and there's no way my bits could take it after giving birth twice in 18 months! If you want to do it go for it, I wouldn't have the time/energy now though.

oblomov I'd probably think it was great... although, there are two big caveats.

1 - I'd be worried the challenge was "forcing" my DP into sex he didn't really want. I want him to want sex with me; not do it because it's a challenge, and

2 - I imagine the first few days would be pretty fun, but there would be days when you just wanted a sleep or a long bath or something and didn't really fancy it. And you'd have to do it anyway. And also: the OP is already struggling. I can't see how this would make you more excited - it puts more pressure on, surely. Although I suppose there's an element of making the sex inevitable so perhaps that's why it might work. It's not worth trying to avoid it, almost. But again, is that healthy?

To be honest, I'd give it a try if you're happy to and so is your partner, OP. You can always change the rules or renegotiate.

Thank you for all the really interesting and supportive comments. So much of what many of you have said apply to me. A pp said that the less she does it the less she wants it. I think that’s exactly how I feel, so I’m wondering whether by doing some sort of pre arranged schedule would help relight my fire?! I’m going to have the conversation with DH now. I will report back what we decide on and let you know how we get on (I’m sure you’ll all be riveted to know 😆)

OP - I think maybe you should look at setting a more realistic and achievable target if you’re feeling worn out, you don’t want it to be a chore which it might just be. Maybe set a target of 3 times a week.

I definitely think sex is wonderfully beneficial in a relationship. In previous relationships I’ve had sex pretty much every day and it’s really connected us. Obviously there were days through illness and separation where we physically couldn’t have sex but when we were able we always made time for it. My circumstances were entirely different and I didn’t have children so please don’t take my comment as snarky at all. I don’t blame you one bit for not feeling up to it.

Also, sex doesn’t have to always last an hour, a quickie can be marvellous and still very connecting.

Good luck OP in your upcoming sexcapades!

Maybe try it but don’t tell him about it, or he will feel rejected if you don’t feel like it one night. And it might start feeling a bit scheduled.

My good friend and her DH have an ‘every other night’ rule - so she knows which night she can just go to sleep with zero expectation placed on her, and knowledge that kisses and cuddles are not expected to lead anywhere, and one night where they both know they are going to DTD and look forward to it. It works for them!

We did it twice a day every day for about a year when trying to conceive ds.

Then after having ds we are lucky if we feel up for it once a week (ds is now 6). Oh how times change....!