Can marriage ever thrive with kids?

[Oaktree273]

I did post this the other day but think I posted it in the wrong section (pregnancy) and it's more of a relationship question... Would be grateful to hear opinions. Thank you.

I am 38.5 and getting married next month. My partner is 11 years younger. We have decided to immediately try for baby due to my age. We have been together 3 happy years and discussed our hopes and wishes openly and honestly and are on the same page. Due to my previous childhood circumstances I never met anyone or had a heathy relationship until I met him (lots of therapy happened before this time and I sorted myself out), and we have really enjoyed the last 3 years and been incredibly happy and healthy. If I could wave a magic wand, my ovaries would be aged about 27, so that I could wait another 5 years and continue enjoying this time together (!). However the reality means we both realise we need to get on with it. I have had private fertility checks over the last 2 years to ensure I am in as good a position as I can be / no unforeseen issues, and have been making my body healthy and getting to know my cycle in preparation, but we are still aware of the odds and risks at my age - however there is not much I can do about that and all I can do is be healthy and prepared as I can be.

The one thing I want to know, is this. Will it be possible for us to retain our loving and healthy, fun, happy marriage whilst bringing a child into the equation? I am terrified that the hell of new baby will damage our relationship. I have heard so many horror stories about the pressure and toll it takes on a marriage. I don't want to end up losing the affection and romance, adventure, fun, sex and laughter. I don't want to start viewing my partner (and him me) through different eyes (as simply the father of my child) and stop seeing each other as we do now as individuals in our own right as well as partners etc. I know our relationship will obviously move on / shift, as it has done at each new stage since we first met / moved in / became engaged etc, and that parenthood is the biggest yet, but I am terrified of it changing us for the worse. I see couples with children in restaurants not talking to each other, not looking at each other, and I see friends that don't seem to have real conversations anymore, just talk about the child / household etc, and who tell me they rarely have sex / never hold hands and so on.

I am really trying not to have rose-tinted glasses and know that there are immense challenges ahead - believe me I am bloody terrified. But I just want to know if we can still have fun, love, affection, sex, romance and passion in our lives as what we have is so beautiful and I have finally found happiness. I definitely want a family with my DP and to have our child, so it is not cold feet and I do not want to feel resentful of a baby if things change. There is an element of pressure due to my age but we have been open and honest about our fears and have had to be practical in this decision.

Are there any real life stories of where couples have continued passion, laughter, intellectual conversation, lust and romance or am I being naive? If this can be achieved then how?

If you're looking for happy stories you're in the wrong place!
Lots of marriages have issues, no marriage is about being happy all the time and not struggling. It is those struggles that strengthen your marriage because you see what you can get though together.

Sure in the early days of having a baby when you're sleep-deprived and a bit shell shocked you might take it out on each other. On the other hand, it could make you stronger together and work as a team. Ours has been a mix of both.

Children doesn't automatically mean a marriage becomes strained, it just changes the dynamics.

If you have DC will you have any family help?

Does your partner do an equal/fair share of domestic work now? Who (if anyone) would work PT or SAH?

IME the first year is a bit of a write off marriage wise as unless you have an excellent sleeper you will be exhausted which doesn't lend itself to romance. You will probably be touched out too and not necessarily want much in the way of physical affection. It put an absolutely huge strain on our marriage and there were times in that first year when I wondered if our marriage would survive.

DS is now two and our marriage is in a good place. A different place to before children but a good place. I have a huge respect for my DH because he is an incredible father and a wonderful husband and we are a team. We do talk about DS a lot because he is our joy but we also talk about the stuff we used to talk about too. I anticipate that as DS gets older our marriage will only get stronger and I am so excited for the future. I absolutely see myself growing old with DH :)

During the bad times I read somewhere that new parents shouldn't make any major relationship decisions in the first 1-2 years as you really are in the trenches at that point and in all likelihood things will improve. So it may be a case of gritting your teeth for a while but chances are once you are both sleeping again you will start to get back to normality :)

Sex, passion and romance is hard with sleep deprivation. Some babies/toddlers/preschoolers sleep well, but many don’t!

One thing that makes like a lot easier is only one child.

Now would be a good time to figure out what sort of man your partner is - does he pull half the weight at home? Who does the wifework? How do you envisage work after having children - both fulltime? SAHP? How does he think the money should be split then? You can never know 100%, but if you talk about how things would work and listen very carefully you might detect some red flags, if there are any to find.

The secret of having a good relationship after having kids is having a proper partnership, in my experience, so it's all about who you decide to have children with...

Ah yes I forgot to mention that Riding! Part of the reason we are sticking with one is because we think it is best for our marriage and as we both come from divorced families that is very important to us.

Sorry but it’s like throwing a grenade in your marriage! Also there’s no other time more likely for affairs and unhappiness in marriage. If you don’t want the risk then simply don’t have kids. You need to want kids more than for your marriage to be the same, because it just won’t be. It’s a reason why lots of people choose to be childfree.

Of course it's possible, but don't expect that it will be straightforward. All relationships take work and that's even more true when you have kids. There will be moments and sometimes long periods when you don't feel romance, you don't feel sexy, you don't feel appreciated, you don't feel the relationship is equal, and getting through all those things takes effort, communication and trust.

Sorry OP but it has battered the hell out of the marriages of everyone I am close enough to speak frankly to, and it is making mine teeter on the edge. I love my DC and have no regrets about having them but if I am still married, and vaguely happy about it, in 10 years it will be a bit of a miracle.

As PP have said the distribution of work is crucial. DH is a completely equal parent and we outsource most of the housework which definitely makes things so much easier.

Of course it can thrive, a marriage can thrive at anytime and through any circumstance with the right mindset. A baby is challenging and yes hard work but it brings incredible joy and blessings. The dynamic of your relationship may change but that is life!always changing! I can think of many worse things to happen in a marriage than having a baby! Just don't forget to enjoy every moment, now, while TTC and when baby arrives.

I wish you all the best xxx

mindboggled88 Not looking for happy ever after stories, just honesty, as I think even some of my good friends wouldn't say truthfully about the real state of their marriages, which is fair enough.

Dozer we are lucky in that we think I could work p/t and I am my own boss so this could be flexible. We would not have oodles of family support on a daily basis as they are not local, but we could afford some p/t help if it felt right.

Home chores are currently more my domain as DP working much longer hours are long, however he dies his bit and is very willing and thoughtful.
Sex, passion and romance is hard with sleep deprivation. So does this mean we can forget about sex and romance? Does anyone ever achieve this dynamic and have kids?
Osopolar thanks for this. When you say you are in a "different place" to where you were, what dies this feel like? I think this is what I'm worried about, that the change will mean we have lost something...

I agree that it is like a grenade right into your marriage! But you work through it and hopefully get past it. We adopted and the first month was hell and I very nearly left my husband. Two months later and it is getting better, as is our marriage. DS is 16 months and every time my DH is playing with him and DS chuckles, my heart melts and I fall head over heels for DH all over again. It's very important that you find the right balance early on with housework etc too, to avoid resentment on either side.

I agree that the first year of parenthood is a write off. Possibly longer. But once you come out the other end, it's fine. Babies are a huge lifestyle change and a real test to relationships but you'll be stronger for it and it's different. Not bad different but definitely different.

I was 20 when I had my first. Honestly didn't think me and DP would stay together inthat first year but now, 7 years later, we've got two dc and have been married 2 years. (Together 9)

Good luck xx

Your last message to me reads- when we have a child I will adjust my work, I will continue to do all the domestic duties and my partner will continue to work long hours.’ That is the reality for many couple but it doesn’t sound like an equal commitment to the work that comes with having a baby.

Osopolar in relation to your last post, this is interesting - can I ask if you and your DH work the same hours? As in, do you distribute baby work equally and work equal hours in your jobs? What do you recommend if DH works longer hours ad earns far more than me?

Having kids definitely changes the dynamics. But I can honestly say that DH and I are a team. He's an amazing husband and father and I love him more than ever. We went through hell in our first year as parents but we have come through it stronger. When times are tough, try to have each other's backs and remember why you fell in love with him on the first place.

Having children certainly changes your relationship but lots of people have happy marriages with kids.

My DH and I have twins. The first two years were very very hard work. But we still adore each other.

In fact we both think our relationship is stronger since having children.

Having a long and happy marriage (or partnership) doesn’t happen by accident. It takes hard work.

You’ve got to be prepared to do the work, keep communicating, keep making time to have fun together regardless of whether you have children.

Your DH should be your best friend, keep talking, don’t let things fester, and don’t be a martyr.

Forgive each other for being less than perfect but don’t settle for less than you deserve.

Josieannathe2nd Thanks for this. Yeah it could be what I was thinking. Although perhaps it should be more along the lines of we both share baby duties (when DH is at home / at nights) although I will end up doing more of the care during the day times as I work p/t. Also thinking of getting help with some chores (v lucky to have the option) to support my role so i don't end up feeling resentful...?

In terms of how it has changed I feel it adds a layer on so you are a family as well as a couple which I feel adds a richness to our relationship. Spontaneity is challenging and our couple time is more structured in that once a week DS is in nursery a couple of hours longer so we can go on a date and we have a fab baby sitter. I don't take couple time for granted anymore and we really focus on the quality of it.

I work 30 hours and DH works 37. He earns about twice what I do. We don't factor earnings in though only hours so I do slightly more housework (plus most of the childcare) on my day off but every other day it is 50:50.

I’ve got a 9 month old and I can say it’s absolutely enhanced our relationship. Yes of course as everyone has said there’s been highs and mega lows so far..But seeing my little boy laughing with my husband literally melts my heart. I’m also really lucky that’s he’s a good sleeper which has helped immensely so far..i’d agree with the above communicate so much in advance; most of the relationships I know that have suffered post babies is due to resentment. It’s honestly one of the most incredible journey’s you’ll ever take together as a couple and so worth it in my opinion! Good luck

Regardless of what happened in our lives when dc were thrown in the mix the actual reality will be yours alone.

You will have less money and less time, how either of your reacts will not be an absolute known till it happens.

We still went out to dinner and did stuff when we had DS but he was after three months of no sleep at all which was hellish an easy baby to deal with. So after those initial three months it seemed fine. Whereas my friend didn't get an entire nights sleep till her child was five years old.

Anecdotes and stories are just that.

Thank you Spudina and Pennywhistle this is great to hear. We are not afraid of graft and have come through a lot together already, and we are really strong in terms of our communication. We disagree sometimes like everyone but we have never had a full blown argument because we are good at talking and can be honest with one another with no judgement, so we would definitely continue this approach although it would be even more challenging. We both know it will be bloody hard - I guess it's about knowing if it's ever possible to come through the other side and reconnect as lovers as well as co-parents.

There’s nothing wrong with having an argument. Often I think it’s a good sign that everyone is able to express their feelings and opinions.

The trick is to resolve them sensibly.

I know a couple who pride themselves on “never having had an argument”. But they are often seething with resentment at each other and bitching behind each other’s backs. They don’t work as a team. Their children play them off against each other too.