Can marriage ever thrive with kids?

[Oaktree273]

I did post this the other day but think I posted it in the wrong section (pregnancy) and it's more of a relationship question... Would be grateful to hear opinions. Thank you.

I am 38.5 and getting married next month. My partner is 11 years younger. We have decided to immediately try for baby due to my age. We have been together 3 happy years and discussed our hopes and wishes openly and honestly and are on the same page. Due to my previous childhood circumstances I never met anyone or had a heathy relationship until I met him (lots of therapy happened before this time and I sorted myself out), and we have really enjoyed the last 3 years and been incredibly happy and healthy. If I could wave a magic wand, my ovaries would be aged about 27, so that I could wait another 5 years and continue enjoying this time together (!). However the reality means we both realise we need to get on with it. I have had private fertility checks over the last 2 years to ensure I am in as good a position as I can be / no unforeseen issues, and have been making my body healthy and getting to know my cycle in preparation, but we are still aware of the odds and risks at my age - however there is not much I can do about that and all I can do is be healthy and prepared as I can be.

The one thing I want to know, is this. Will it be possible for us to retain our loving and healthy, fun, happy marriage whilst bringing a child into the equation? I am terrified that the hell of new baby will damage our relationship. I have heard so many horror stories about the pressure and toll it takes on a marriage. I don't want to end up losing the affection and romance, adventure, fun, sex and laughter. I don't want to start viewing my partner (and him me) through different eyes (as simply the father of my child) and stop seeing each other as we do now as individuals in our own right as well as partners etc. I know our relationship will obviously move on / shift, as it has done at each new stage since we first met / moved in / became engaged etc, and that parenthood is the biggest yet, but I am terrified of it changing us for the worse. I see couples with children in restaurants not talking to each other, not looking at each other, and I see friends that don't seem to have real conversations anymore, just talk about the child / household etc, and who tell me they rarely have sex / never hold hands and so on.

I am really trying not to have rose-tinted glasses and know that there are immense challenges ahead - believe me I am bloody terrified. But I just want to know if we can still have fun, love, affection, sex, romance and passion in our lives as what we have is so beautiful and I have finally found happiness. I definitely want a family with my DP and to have our child, so it is not cold feet and I do not want to feel resentful of a baby if things change. There is an element of pressure due to my age but we have been open and honest about our fears and have had to be practical in this decision.

Are there any real life stories of where couples have continued passion, laughter, intellectual conversation, lust and romance or am I being naive? If this can be achieved then how?

I've been with my dh for 14 years, married nearly 7 years, we have 2 dc age 5 and 2. There are areas we could improve - sex more often (though when we do manage it it's great), it would be nice to have more dates, and sometimes I would like a little more help round the house. But the good things massively outweigh these. He's a brilliant dad, adores our dc, works so hard so I can be a sahm, devotes all his spare time to us, appreciates my contribution, and respects me.
I say talk talk talk about the future and how you imagine it will be. The days of having a newborn are over quick, and despite sleep deprivation it is lovely. But if you don't get him involved in childcare early on it sets a precedence that can be hard to undo.
Sounds like you do love each other so that's a good start. I think you'll be fine!

i was too tired for years to miss anything or even think about whether / how things had changed. It’s true that you socialise separately for a good few years - babysitters are hassle for babies and toddlers (do they know how to sterilise stuff, do you have time to pump breast milk beforehand, will baby need purée - should you prepare some just in case?, will they settle to sleep or cry and stress - oh sod it let’s just stay in). And you’ll think your husband is the sexiest thing alive when it’s 10pm and you see him emptying the dishwasher and and tumble dryer for you.

Just wanted to add. We have very little time kid free, around 2 nights a year. I know this will get better though once youngest is around aged 3 as my parents house isn't suitable for a baby or young toddler but my two dds (5&3) are fine there. Its only a few years though and we really.don't mind. I will admit though if one night every other month for.a night just me and dh was an option I'd take it

I think if your relationship is solid, you’ll come out stronger than ever as parents. But I think you have to have realistic expectations. Life won’t be carefree and spontaneous and easy like it once was. Parenting is exhausting and grinds on you and limits the outlets you have for fun and passion and excitement. Literally you’re home by 6 every night, in bed by 9, possibly with a child in bed with you. You don’t easily have time alone for yourselves or each other the first few years especially. I think one problem is that a lot of people come in without realistic expectations of those first few really tough years in particular. It’s hard and it’s easy to think the ‘hardness’ is your relationship failing. But if your relationship really was good and supportive and equitable before it’s likely it’s just the grind. If you stick together and weather that storm and trust you can make it through, you will eventually pop out the other side and things will get easier. I think for us it got easier when our oldest was 3/4. Having a second actually hasn’t been as hard because we know it’s possible to make it through and we know what we each need now to be supported. You also need a solid plan for how to parent and run a family. If one of you expects it will be something you share 50/50, but the other expects to take on less of a share and still have two nights out a week with friends like always, there’s going to be a lot of resentment. It will be something you have to continually negotiate and make sure everyone’s needs are being met.

But I don’t think it’s destined to be a horror story. My dh and I have been together a decade now with two dc and I feel like our relationship is stronger and more solid than it ever was. We have weathered some storms and been through one really awful patch (not really due to kids, more due to a stressful situation in the extended family that put a lot of strain on us as a couple). But absolutely it’s possible. You just have to be realistic and really take care of each other through the tough years.

Some really thought-provoking responses here. Op I'm similar to you in terms of age gap and age, but got married after DC1 and now expecting number 2.
I do love DH more now, in a different way. Seeing him with DD makes me melt! But I agree with the grenade sentiment, we're very strong as a couple and it's been testing.

Hi OP. I have a happy experience for you. I was in a similar situation to you in some ways. My DH and I met later in life, both were 37. We are now both 40, are married and now have a 13 month old. Before we had kids we chatted it all through how it would undoubtedly change our family dynamic, but we also decided that we would still make each other and our marriage a priority. It has not been easy, and we've had to adapt, but both us were under no illusions that things would change, but we accepted it. I believe that communication is key to staying connected. We are still loving, tactile etc. have fun, laugh and chat (I'm a bit more cranky, but he understands that!!) We make time for ourselves despite tiredness and in all honesty I can say that having our DD has brought a closeness in a different way which is also amazing. Good luck to you.

DH and I haven't spent much quality time together and what time we do have we're often too tired or stuck in our routines to appreciate it. But there have been times since DD was born where he has really amazed me.

When I took my first stagger to the shower after a csection he was there helping with my maternity pads. When we got home he did all the housework for weeks and made me food (including little fibre boosts to help with constipation). He scrubbed shit off the carpet and furniture at 4am because DD had projectile pooed mid change. And then forgave me for screaming at him for not using his body as a human shield to protect my maternity chair

He used to come and lie on the bed while I fed her to keep me company. He got up with her on non-work nights. He changed his hours so he does longer days to allow half a day just him and her.

Nowadays as she's about to go to school he'll get up if she comes to find us at night because he says it's only fair for the months I did early on. He looks after her while I look after my horse and ride. He buys her little presents in his lunch hour like stickers and funny bubble bath.

So all of that kind of morphs and changes your relationship - it isn't sexy, it isn't spontaneous. It's hard some days where she just refuses to cooperate. But we're a team.

Never argued so much as we have done since baby was born. There have been plenty of times I wanted to leave. We are ok generally but, baby doesn’t sleep. Other day he had a total of 20 mins napping. At night he wakes 3/4 times and plenty more just got a dummy. My OH world ridiculous hours. We have no help, in terms of babysitting. Or rather we have only been out together twice in 10 months. Plus I have on going health issues since pregnancy. Sex = none.

But I can see how if you have help allowing you to go out once a month for dinner or something, no money worries, a baby who sleeps and partner who is able to come home at a reasonable hour to help and doesn’t work weekends too - it is a whole other ball game.

People manage it. So you can too - but it will be different (unless you have loads of help to hand).

We have a 2year old shit sleeper. He is better now and we are getting some of our life back but it's still not a given he will actually sleep. First year was a NIGHTMARE. There was no romance at all..just 2 very tired people hoping it will end soon. He was literally up every 1,5/2hrs every single night.
We are now in a territory of 2ce sometimes once per night most nights. Life is better. Relationship is better.
We are lucky he is a healthy, strong boy..a good eater too..
We are not having anymore. I'm now aware how much can go wrong..I want our relationship back and it wouldn't survive another 2 years without sleep.

Not having DC won’t necessarily make it less likely a relationship will end.

The age gap in your case means that if you don’t have DC together and later break up he could likely have biological DC with a future partner, whereas you probably couldn’t.

I detested my partner in my baby's first year, it was hell. We almost split up. Both constantly bitching over who was the most tired. Me sahm or him ft worker.
When you have kids you see some ugly stuff in each other. that's just my experience though and it's partly why we stopped at one.
Do you both definitely want kids and have you sorted care and finances, working etc?

If the two of you have a sense of humour you'll be fine. When the going is tough if the two of you can laugh about it then imo it'll be fine. One of my favourite memories is of finding my XH walking round with baby DC1 over his shoulder during a bad sleepless night. I got up to see how he was doing. I found him naked, with her vomiting over his shoulder and it was trickling into his arse crack. We laughed st that for years.

Things will be very different. No one really tells you how different and you probably wouldn't believe them if they did. I wish people would be more honest about it all because then when things go wrong you would feel more normal. It gets easier as they get older.

Another one who felt like it was a grenade to the marriage, I’m afraid. Especially after struggling with infertility and ivf, it feels silly and churlish to say, but we (and specifically my dh) were fundamentally unprepared for the shift in lifestyle that having a child means. We also had a bad sleeper, we were both back at work FT by 6 months and he just checked out - I was on my knees with exhaustion and, with the benefit of hindsight, borderline PND. The only thing that kept me going was this fierce, overwhelming need to protect my DS. Not healthy.

Tbh DS is now 15 months and we are still not back to normal - but are starting to take steps to fix things now that he is sleeping a bit better (though not through the night every night!). The thing that really came out for me was how our own childhoods have shaped our response to parenting - my dh was very much raised by nannies, off to boarding school at age 7 etc - and surprise surprise he is very much of the idea that 30mins x2 per day is a suitable amount of “quality time” with our son, he gets really irritated when he has a tantrum/wakes up at night/does normal toddler stuff. And his response to ANYTHING challenging is to outsource it - night nannies, sleep trainers etc. Whereas my view is that we both work 50hrs+ a week, we’ve got to put the work in sometime! We haven’t reconciled this yet, but I would really advise you to think about this pre baby as we didn’t and it’s been the biggest thing I think continuing to shape our arguments.

We’re starting to think about number 2 on the basis that we need to just get through the early bits quickly or we might never do it - i oscillate between thinking this is sensible and suicidal . Dh still says he wants 3 (!) and I just internally roll my eyes as there is no way that will be happening.

I agree with the poster above saying I wish people would be more honest about how hard it can be on relationships. It's not trying to outdo eachother in how hard it is, likr another poster said, it's just that it is the truth for some people and it's not spoken about. It's normal, and that's ok if you know the risks when you decide to take them.

And yes to look at your partner's childhood for what they deem as normal. We had huge rows because of how things happened differently in our childhoods and experiences and that took alot of work from both sides to get over (and alot of resentment for me towards my ILs)

Personally I think a very difficult teenager caused our hardest period, rather than a young child

Yes you can still have a good marriage after kids. Things are obviously different after but you can still get some time together. Even if it's just at home when baby is in bed, not as easy at first when you are tired but still possible. I have a 3 year old and 3 month old and manage to have evening with my husband at home. We still get on well. I sometimes get moody as I am tired some days but he understands why and trys to help out a bit more.
We now go on family days out and have fun together that way more.
If you are prepared for life been busy and get on and both pull your weight you should be fine.

Apart from bickering as sleep deprived when ds was a tiny baby nothing much has changed if anything we are closer since he was born 4 years ago

Totally agree with it being a hand granade to your marriage. Got to try and keep a good sense of humour.

I don't think anything can prepare for how life changes. My DD is 14 months, she's been mostly a good sleeper but on occasion when it's bad (teething, ill etc) its awful and we both find it hard to cope. I dread to think how I'd cope with a child that didn't sleep well at all. Sleep is the biggest issue for us both, we both are so tired all the time from working anyway and definitely don't have sex enough because of this.

2nd its the housework. Get a cleaner if you can afford one. We're a really good team but you naturally pick up for of the housework on mat leave and it takes a while to get it back to splitting the load eveningly when back at work.

3rd childcare costs. Bloody expensive, we're left with very little at the end of each month to enjoy. Very little to plan anything nice, and holidays are off the cards for God knows how long. I find the monotony of family life hard at times, and it seems largely down to not having enough money. That, I'm doing at all wrong...

Hi OP,

For us the first year was the hardest, we've been together 9 years married 1.5 year and have a 6yo DS. I can honestly say this is the best we have ever been.

Don't think too much about it, everyone is different. You'll find your own little routine that works for you and DP. Routines that may not work for other people. You'll get through the rollercoaster of having DC if you both want to.

Xx

The odds that you remain married for ever are about 1/2.

Within that 50% chance a certain proportion are in an unhappy marriage let's say another 50%.

So you are looking at a 3/4 chance that things will not be good. (You can change the ratios and be more optimistic but you are still taking a 1/2 chance)

In your specific case you are 10 years older than your partner. You should seek feedback from women who have had children with a man ten years younger and hear what specific challenges there will be.

Anecdotally, sexual mismatch seems the most likely issue.

I also have a happy story for you. We were in a similar situation except my DH is 11 years older than me. We decided to start a family when we'd been together a year.

4 years on and our marriage is thriving and and we're just as happy ( if not happier ) then before we had DS. Building a life as a family is a wonderful experience - I love watching my DH and DS together. They're so close.
This is why I feel we're making it work - although it's different for everyone.

1. We're a team. Childcare, housework etc is 50/50. When I was on Mat leave I did more during the week but evenings and weekends were shared equally so we both got a break.

1. We still make time for each other. We have some childcare locally so we make the most of it when we can. We still have drunken, fun nights out and we even manage a weekend away once a year. We also spend time together in the house - watching box sets or occasionally having a kitchen disco!

Our DS was a terrible sleeper but we tried not to get into competitive tiredness and just made sure we gave each other a break when needed.

Yep, bomb in the relationship here too.

DH and I both children of divorced parents so we gritted our teeth and stuck it out but not easy. There's a saying that if you and your partner want it to end but at different times you can make it through.

We have 3 DC, eldest 16yo. DH is currently lying in the floor playing a board game with our youngest two.

on the floor...