Can marriage ever thrive with kids?

[Oaktree273]

I did post this the other day but think I posted it in the wrong section (pregnancy) and it's more of a relationship question... Would be grateful to hear opinions. Thank you.

I am 38.5 and getting married next month. My partner is 11 years younger. We have decided to immediately try for baby due to my age. We have been together 3 happy years and discussed our hopes and wishes openly and honestly and are on the same page. Due to my previous childhood circumstances I never met anyone or had a heathy relationship until I met him (lots of therapy happened before this time and I sorted myself out), and we have really enjoyed the last 3 years and been incredibly happy and healthy. If I could wave a magic wand, my ovaries would be aged about 27, so that I could wait another 5 years and continue enjoying this time together (!). However the reality means we both realise we need to get on with it. I have had private fertility checks over the last 2 years to ensure I am in as good a position as I can be / no unforeseen issues, and have been making my body healthy and getting to know my cycle in preparation, but we are still aware of the odds and risks at my age - however there is not much I can do about that and all I can do is be healthy and prepared as I can be.

The one thing I want to know, is this. Will it be possible for us to retain our loving and healthy, fun, happy marriage whilst bringing a child into the equation? I am terrified that the hell of new baby will damage our relationship. I have heard so many horror stories about the pressure and toll it takes on a marriage. I don't want to end up losing the affection and romance, adventure, fun, sex and laughter. I don't want to start viewing my partner (and him me) through different eyes (as simply the father of my child) and stop seeing each other as we do now as individuals in our own right as well as partners etc. I know our relationship will obviously move on / shift, as it has done at each new stage since we first met / moved in / became engaged etc, and that parenthood is the biggest yet, but I am terrified of it changing us for the worse. I see couples with children in restaurants not talking to each other, not looking at each other, and I see friends that don't seem to have real conversations anymore, just talk about the child / household etc, and who tell me they rarely have sex / never hold hands and so on.

I am really trying not to have rose-tinted glasses and know that there are immense challenges ahead - believe me I am bloody terrified. But I just want to know if we can still have fun, love, affection, sex, romance and passion in our lives as what we have is so beautiful and I have finally found happiness. I definitely want a family with my DP and to have our child, so it is not cold feet and I do not want to feel resentful of a baby if things change. There is an element of pressure due to my age but we have been open and honest about our fears and have had to be practical in this decision.

Are there any real life stories of where couples have continued passion, laughter, intellectual conversation, lust and romance or am I being naive? If this can be achieved then how?

My DH and I are 8 months in to parenthood and we have a great relationship. We spoke a lot beforehand about the strain we expected. We both acknowledged that things would probably be said at times that we didn't mean and that we would both probably have days when we were unreasonable. We agreed to be forgiving and understanding, and most importantly to talk and listen to eachother.

Things that have helped:

• DH has always pulled his weight in the home with housework etc. He has always been happy to help with every aspect of parenting including night feeds

-We have lots of family support who have been happy to look after DS including overnight from 4 months so that we can go for tea or catch up with friends child free

• We've made time for eachother in the evenings, even if its just a new Netflix series that we can natter about

-DS has been an ok sleeper from about 4 months (usually just 1-2 night wakings), and from 5months went to bed upstairs at 7pm ish.

-I was fortunate not to get PND, and also did a lot of things to get me out of the house and talking to other people most days so that DH was not my only adult contact, and therefore wasn't getting both barrels of pent-up frustration the minute he came home.

It's going to be different, but it won't necessarily be worse!

I agree that arguments can be healthy for a relationship, nothing worse than simmering resentment. Key thing is not to resort to personal attacks.

dh and I had honestly never had a proper argument ever really. he took on DS1 from 2 with no issues ao we had ds2. I nearly left him when he was 4 months old, it was horiffic. I will say that it was partly because 2 kids is not like 1 and is much much more than I anticipated and partly because it was my second newborn and his first maybe, but my god a hand grenade in our marriage. he is 3 now, once he hit 1 things got better, by 2 it was back to normal. we don't have much help tho, as in family to babysit. We have a p/t nanny and a cleaner but not going out for meals ect, relationship time, takes it toll. socialising becomes seperate as the other partner is watching the kids and that was really hard

Having our DD made me appreciate my DH a helluva a lot more as he pulled his weight and more. I struggled with huge insecurities throughout pregnancy and the first year of our DDs life but he didn’t waiver once, he was and is my one solid support, my security and always champions me.

We didn’t have sex for 6 months and very little intercourse throughout pregnancy but we have always been intimate and affectionate on other ways, breastfeeding took its toll on me emotionally in that first year and I didn’t really feel like myself until I went back to work but DH and I never held anything against one another and always supported each other.

Housework wise, he definitely did more than me during maternity leave even though he was working full time and its probably still split 60/40 now towards him and I work part time - I’ve actually just reduced my hours even more to spend more time with DD before she starts school - but he recognised that he has the easier life at work while I’m parenting our DD.

I can honestly say, having DD hasn’t had a negative impact on our marriage, we both get our own downtime, we have our own social lives, we are equals and both have an important role to play in our family as parents, individuals and partners and I think this has been key to our marriage, especially during those exhausted times where there hasn’t been any romance. Don’t get me wrong it’s not all been perfect but it’s been great in the main.

Having said all of that, we’ve decided that we’re not having any more DC for the same concerns you have.

My advice would be to be patient with one another, arguments in the middle of the night don’t count, communicate otherwise it’ll breed resentment and make sure you’re an equal in the relationship in terms of downtime, socialising and financially.

Both work FT, have DC, married 4 years, together 12. Think that our lives and relationships are happier and stronger with our DC in them and am definitely at my happiest point in life right now but DC are school aged now which makes it easier I find.

*In fact we both think our relationship is stronger since having children.

Having a long and happy marriage (or partnership) doesn’t happen by accident. It takes hard work.

You’ve got to be prepared to do the work, keep communicating, keep making time to have fun together regardless of whether you have children.

Your DH should be your best friend, keep talking, don’t let things fester, and don’t be a martyr.

Forgive each other for being less than perfect but don’t settle for less than you deserve.*

Wholeheartedly agree with all of this

Oh and just to add, we make sure we have regular date nights, whether that’s going out and getting a babysitter or cooking a nice meal when DD is in bed with some wine, music and even getting dressed up. You definitely have to make more of an effort to make quality time together and without the DC.

Being your own boss CAN be helpful after DC, but can be hard as you don’t get maternity pay, boundaries can be difficult, work can be lost if you’re not available etc. If your H plans to continue working very long hours the bulk of the parenting would fall to you.

What do you recommend if DH works longer hours ad earns far more than me?

Same here. I went back 3 days a week and DP went down to 4. That day they spend together when I'm not there is really important to me because it makes me feel less like the 'default parent' and means I can go to the gym before work or drinks after work without it being a major chore to sort out childcare. But I have to admit that it was completely DP's idea as he wanted to do it, and we share all the housework and parenting very equally anyway.

So I agree with the others saying have a think about where your relationship is at the moment, as any bad habits will be so much more annoying with a baby around.

I can't speak for other people or for what may happen in the future but having children has made our relationship stronger we think (dc 3 and 7 months so still young) we still laugh and joke and have so much fun and love, we used to have pretty fiery arguments pre baby which we don't have anymore (definitely the odd argument but less intense, not about petty things and over within an hour at most!)
We've had a stressful few years, moved house 3 times, moved to another country and back, don't live near family, but it's all been done with love and fun and with mutual amazement at the babies we created.
You need to be on the same page regarding childcare, responsibilities, house work to avoid unnecessary stresses!
Also, I got pregnant by surprise right after we got married, I wasn't ready, we'd had a tough year, I was on antidepressants but it changed my life and I am so much happier now than I ever thought possible!

I lost count of how many times I told my lovely DH I wanted a divorce during the first year of our DD’s life.

She’s two and a half now and things are a little more normal and some days, it’s even enjoyable

We’re only having one child though as neither of us have any desire to repeat those days over and I definitely don’t think our marriage would survive round two.

Psychologically scarred forever.

interesting people say it was the second child that was the hardest. I love ds2 more than anything and would never want to be without him. But, I wish I knew quiet how hard it was having 2 before I did it.

IME... The minute a child thunders into your life the world changes. The lens from which you've viewed everything shifts 180 degrees and life, and you, will never, ever be the same again.

You can't have the same relationship because there us another person at the heart of it who demands and needs much more of you than a partner ever did. The other adult in the relationship has to go on the back burner a bit, because frankly, something's got to give. You'll see the best and worst of a person when you're both exhausted and one of you has to soldier on.

But you share an amazing experience of growing a little person together and watching them unfold into a unique, flawed, brilliant individual, which will hopefully bond you tighter together. I respect my husband more than ever but we have moved away from the long mornings in bed and whatever the hell else we used to do with all that time pre-kids.

I don't know. You can't prepare for it.

We aren't married but DP and I have only got stronger since having DC1, and we are now eagerly expecting DC2. I think we both feel that we are forever in each other's lives no matter what now and so make more of an effort to connect and work together where possible than we probably would have done pre-children. We were only together a few months before I got pregnant so we didn't have much of a pre-children life to lose/mourn. We will have two children together before we have even been together 3 years.

We argue (bicker?) occasionally, mainly when we are tired but it's usually about small stuff and not the big stuff. We agree on the big stuff and I think that is what matters.

I also think it also massively helps that we don't have financial pressure, we aren't well off by any stretch of the imagination but due to DP being in very secure employment with tied accommodation included we don't have to worry about my wage in terms of having to pay the rent/mortgage so I work because I want to because I worked hard before I met DP to qualify in a profession and it's important to me that I don't waste that. Things would be tighter if I didn't work but importantly we have options and choices which many many parents don't and I think that's where resentment and arguments can often start.

I love this. You've literally married your best friend and when you do that I truly believe that's half the battle..
My husband and I were like teenagers 24/7 and this didn't change when we had our children. I think having children is the most amazing thing in the world! It's such a huge blessing and I wish you all the luck in the world whilst trying to conceive.
Never lose yourself when you become a parent. I know how to set boundaries and be a mother to my children but we have so much fun just like my husband and I did before the kids. You literally just get to be a kid again and who doesn't want that?
As for sex and romance nothing really has changed for us. My husband does work away however so this might help? We always pine for each other and never take each other for granted.
We love doing things as a family but we also make sure we do things just the two of us. Our youngest is only 5months so this is a few hours through the day but once he's old enough to leave we will have nights/weekends away like we did before.
Honestly we do argue about silly things sometimes (me being hormonal or he's grumpy with lack of sleep) but we kiss and make up before we've even finished arguing because we realise we are just being daft.
You have a strong relationship by the sounds of things, you just have to try not stress it too much and go with the flow. Do whatever feels right for you guys and you'll find your feet soon enough.
Watching my husband be the amazing father that he is only made me love him more

Ds is 2. The first year was hard! I had PND and it was also a massive shock to DHs system - I think he had the baby blues as well. We definitely did more bickering than we had before. We are both shite without sleep, and ds was a terrible sleeper. And with birth injuries and general exhaustion, plus my feeling hugely self-conscious of how my body had changed, sex wasn't anywhere near as frequent as before.

However, with time all that has improved. We still don't have sex as mich as before but it's good when we do. Yes, we talk about ds a lot because, as a pp put it, he's our joy. We do try and make time for one another - we have virtually no family support but we have nights in with a bottle of wine and a Waitrose meal deal (the glamour, the romance, lol), or lunch out while ds is with his childminder. We watch films together and chat about them, we send each other interesting articles to read. Nothing groundbreaking, but we just try to be a couple as well as Mummy and Daddy. We also talk things through when we piss one another off - we try not to let things fester.

I feel that our marriage is as strong as it has ever been, honestly. This past year we've had a major bereavement in the family, we've had money worries, worries about ds. But here we are.

Just going to answer the question based on romance/sex life as you've mentioned it a couple of times and for some couples its a huge part of the relationship. There are lots of factors to this but I do think a part of it is simply down to the sex drives of each individual. I also think the less you have it the less you want it. If its been a while you aren't as bothered. If each person in the relationship is sharing the load of.housework, childcare etc it definitely helps as there's not the resentment there that happens in some relationships.

In my personal experience, we have three children, aged 5, 3 and 1 now. Our sex life is pretty good considering we have three young children. We've been really lucky with dc3 and he's an amazing sleeper so yes, that's helped. Dc2 was a horrendous sleeper and has only the past 6 months or so started sleeping well. We still made.time though, you have to make that time IMO if its important to you both. Just little things like holding hands when out on a walk, kidding each other goodbye each morning without fail, dh will get me flowers now and then and I'll put a nice note in his lunch bag (cheesy I know but oh well). These little things are.just nice though and we appreciate them.

I do think some people love to compete with how hard their parenting journey is/has been. Just remember though, if the positive didn't out way the negatives people wouldn't go on to have more!

I fucking hated my DP for the first 2 years of my DD's life. He was lazy, unsupportive etc. I somehow stuck it out and things have got better. We are pretty solid now and expecting DC#2. I'm different too and far less likely to put up with some of the shit he pulled. I hope he knows this!

So, although the grenade into the relationship thing can be real, it doesn't mean it's forever, if you're both willing to stick it out.

It utterly tests relationships I think. DH and I were together for a long time pre children and I think that gave us lots of goodwill to draw on if that’s not a weird way of putting it.

Good communication and trust are key. As is, I think, and have others have said, having a set up where one parent isn’t doing it all. DH has one day that he is in charge and though it’s not much it means he totally understands what a day at home with the kids can be.

Sex and romance have taken a back seat and my mental health has been awful, but my relationship with him is still good - we chat, laugh and support each other as we ever did, even though two kids and other stuff has made it hard. I wouldn’t want to do it with someone I wasn’t -00% sure of being fair to me or the family.

100%

We aren't married, but we've been together 17 years and our eldest is 7, so we had a good amount of time together before our kids came along. We have three children between the ages of 3 and 7. It's been bloody hard work and our relationship has changed a lot - we live a long way from family so we get absolutely no alone time apart from when they're in bed. Date nights etc are out of the question.we still have a great sex life but just a lot quieter than before. What we lack in spontaneous nights out and noisy wild sex we make up for in amazing family days out, and now they're getting older, it's getting easier.

You're over thinking it!! You can't plan or anticipate how you and your partner will act and behave once you have had a child. I would relax a little more - if you believe that he is the right man to have children with then you have to trust that your relationship is strong enough.

Sex, intimacy and romance is what you make it!! If you sit back and ignore your relationship in favour of your new baby then it will suffer. I really believe that you cannot give your whole lives over to your children, my friends that have done that find they have nothing to talk about other than their children. You need to remain a 'person', not just a parent.

We had 3 children in 4.5 years (in 6 years we had 2 terminations and a miscarriage as well so there was plenty of sex happening). We now have 8, 10 and 12 ye old DD's and both work full time, have fulfilling hobbies, a busy life and still talk to each other if we go out to eat!!

Yes it can be tough, and if you expect it all to be shiny and lovely, and that you'll float through it all the time then it's naive. You have to readjust your expectations and think about WHY you want children. They should bring joy and make you a complete family, not drain the life from you. Expect it to be hard work and you won't be shocked!

But don't believe all the horror stories - if it was that bad no one would ever have more than 1 child and we'd all be exhausted with no life. I can't speak for everyone else and I can see that a lot of people have find it to be a 'grenade' in their marriage, but there is another side of that - it's a lot of fun!

We’ve had the odd rough patch but 5 kids and over a decade behind us I’d say we’ve thrived. I’m happy and content and children have been part of that. They have been lows to work through, but not the kind that have totally removed joy. It needs working on, and optimism but it’s very possible to be very happily married, enjoy the same fun and have kids.

I wish you luck

The 1st few months of having a new baby everything goes to pot as you're exhausted etc and yeah the relationship can suffer but only temporarily. But tbh in answer to your question, can a marriage thrive with kids? Yeah as long as you work at it, just the same way you need to work at it without kids. All the aspects of a relationship that you've mentioned will always be there of you both keep it there!

And sex.. the biggest tip is get it out your head it’s for the bedroom... there are constantly small people in there! Settle.. and run