Can marriage ever thrive with kids?

[Oaktree273]

I did post this the other day but think I posted it in the wrong section (pregnancy) and it's more of a relationship question... Would be grateful to hear opinions. Thank you.

I am 38.5 and getting married next month. My partner is 11 years younger. We have decided to immediately try for baby due to my age. We have been together 3 happy years and discussed our hopes and wishes openly and honestly and are on the same page. Due to my previous childhood circumstances I never met anyone or had a heathy relationship until I met him (lots of therapy happened before this time and I sorted myself out), and we have really enjoyed the last 3 years and been incredibly happy and healthy. If I could wave a magic wand, my ovaries would be aged about 27, so that I could wait another 5 years and continue enjoying this time together (!). However the reality means we both realise we need to get on with it. I have had private fertility checks over the last 2 years to ensure I am in as good a position as I can be / no unforeseen issues, and have been making my body healthy and getting to know my cycle in preparation, but we are still aware of the odds and risks at my age - however there is not much I can do about that and all I can do is be healthy and prepared as I can be.

The one thing I want to know, is this. Will it be possible for us to retain our loving and healthy, fun, happy marriage whilst bringing a child into the equation? I am terrified that the hell of new baby will damage our relationship. I have heard so many horror stories about the pressure and toll it takes on a marriage. I don't want to end up losing the affection and romance, adventure, fun, sex and laughter. I don't want to start viewing my partner (and him me) through different eyes (as simply the father of my child) and stop seeing each other as we do now as individuals in our own right as well as partners etc. I know our relationship will obviously move on / shift, as it has done at each new stage since we first met / moved in / became engaged etc, and that parenthood is the biggest yet, but I am terrified of it changing us for the worse. I see couples with children in restaurants not talking to each other, not looking at each other, and I see friends that don't seem to have real conversations anymore, just talk about the child / household etc, and who tell me they rarely have sex / never hold hands and so on.

I am really trying not to have rose-tinted glasses and know that there are immense challenges ahead - believe me I am bloody terrified. But I just want to know if we can still have fun, love, affection, sex, romance and passion in our lives as what we have is so beautiful and I have finally found happiness. I definitely want a family with my DP and to have our child, so it is not cold feet and I do not want to feel resentful of a baby if things change. There is an element of pressure due to my age but we have been open and honest about our fears and have had to be practical in this decision.

Are there any real life stories of where couples have continued passion, laughter, intellectual conversation, lust and romance or am I being naive? If this can be achieved then how?

Its hard. Our first was a non sleeper and that put a real strain but we got through it. The 2nd one has killed our sex life stone dead. But it's fine. We are more than romance . . we are a team. And we will get through it.

Dp and I found out I was pregnant about 3 months into our relationship, so we never really had a chance to just enjoy things. But 3 years on we are very happy and it hasn't damaged our relationship at all. Our son is an atrocious sleeper, we live abroad so zero help from family or friends, haven't had a date night since he was born, sex life in the absolute toilet. But we don't fight or argue, chores are 50:50 even though I'm SAH right now, he's a brilliant dad and partner, and we're now very happily expecting #2. I expect the passion to return (somewhat) once the kids are a bit older, but the love and kindness never left. Im not saying it's all smooth sailing, but your relationship sounds really strong so I hope you'll be ok :)

It is very hard in the first months but if your relationship is good and survives it then i do think it strengthens the bond between you.
Id never fought with my husband the way we did after wed had a child, just from lack of sleep and energy and pressure.... but at the same time I had this new and deeper respect for him and him for me. He stood by me and helped me through a difficult labour, he was there at what was the most intense time of my life. He has been an amazing father to our son and watching that and having his support has deepened my love for him despite any petty arguments caused by lack of sleep.
Weve said horrific things to each other that we never would have said if we hadnt had a child but by the same token I love him even more than I ever did and I feel our relationship to be stronger and to be growing and changing in sync with each other.

It definitely alters the marriage entirely. What I didn't 'get' until having DC is that they are there 24/7/52 weeks of the year. You always have responsibility for them. It never gets put on pause. Also, I hadn't realised how overwhelming the love for them would be and how that would eclipse my love for DH quite hard.

That said, DH and I have been together now for 25 years, married for 23 of them and are very happy. The dynamic has changed from being a couple in a relationship to being a family that loves doing stuff together. We have a lot of fun as a family. And now DC are mid-teens, we're slowly edging back towards being just a couple again, discussing what we want to get up to when they've left home, having some fantastic weekends away while they're at camp etc.

I wonder if DH and I would have stayed together without DC. We're incredibly well suited but after a while you've learned so much about each other, shared opinions and got into routines - what's next? Having DC keeps life fun and varied as they keep changing.

Thanks to those who have been supportive. My daughter is doing risky stuff that I am shocked by but she isn’t the rails nor is she doing anything that loads of teens aren’t doing. Doesn’t mean I’m now worried about her young age.

Have had a long chat with me ex and his gf so they are up to speed. Me and dd have had some good chats and are keeping the channel of communication open. We agreed to disagree over a few things but we are off to the clinic next week to sort contraception. We had a very good chat about drugs. We spent the day with my sister and nephew yesterday and dd was lovely with her cousin. I’ve also had a chat with another mum who is also a good parent who is going through something similar with her son. To those implying I am just trying to be her mate or not impose any boundaries I would say there but for the grace go all of us with our teens. She will have a small sleepover with a strict curfew to mark her birthday because her self esteem doesn’t just come from school and we had had some constructive chats.

Oops wrong thread

I'm 39 and 7 years into a very happy marriage. Our first child is due in July. The main reason why we waited this long to have children is because I was scared of the upheaval decimating our carefree relationship, but biologically I knew it was now or never and I that he was the man I wanted to be the father of my children as well as my life partner, so we went for it.

I can honestly say that since I've been pregnant DH and I have felt even more bonded to each other. I'm under no illusion that once our daughter arrives it's going to hit us like a ton of bricks and couple time is going to be on the backburner for the foreseeable future, but the fact remains that DH is my best friend as well as my lover and even if we can't make time for date nights / sex there will always be a huge about of affection and communication (I hope!) and it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

I've been with DH for 20 years; we've been parents for 10.

Things are as good now as they were at the beginning, only we don't get to spend an entire weekend in bed, reading the papers & shagging.

Things were difficult when the children were very small, mainly due to tiredness. Then there were some financially stressful years, and the ones where I was ill.

But he's still got an arse I just want to bite into like a vicious dog.

Thank you everyone for the wide range of views and experiences. It seems that the general consensus is that the strength of the relationship to begin with is the litmus test, as well as strong communication throughout and also that how well your baby sleeps is a huge factor.

I am confident about the first two in terms of my DP and I, and the third is pot luck as far as all my Mum friends tell me.

My DP and I have read this thread with interest and it has helped us to talk over some of the practicalities which may go some way towards supporting us to stay strong and get through the most challenging times. Thanks for the luck and wishes. Xx

You mentioned not having family nearby, which something I've found difficult. I'm from the north and DH is from the south, so we settled somewhere halfway between the two.

DD goes to nursery while we're at work, and we can book a babysitter if we want a night out (though that means she needs to be asleep before we leave and we can't really stay out late), but it would be great to have grandparents nearby to look after her for a couple of hours to give us a break. Stuff like DIY, clearing out the garden, sorting out the garage, speaking to the bank, or just having a break after a tough week at work...

We have occasionally booked annual leave and had a day off while she is in nursery, but can't do that very often. Doctors and dentist appointments need to be on work time, and if I want time to myself, DH has to be 'on duty', and vice versa. It means we have less time with each other, which isn't great.

Is your partner planning to take parental leave or reduce his hours at work once you've had a baby? You have already said that you do most of the household stuff because he works long hours - this will be much harder when you have a small child to look after as well! Will he be home in time for bedtime, or will you be doing the rush of collecting from childcare/ cooking dinner/ bath and bedtime for him to arrive home after everything is done and relax while you rush around doing the housework that you can't get done with a small child around? Does he do stuff around the house without having to be asked, or do you have to tell him what needs to be done? The Mental Load cartoon is a good illustration of how resentment about housework and childcare can build up, and that can really damage your relationship.

In my (admittedly short) experience it’s so much more than just having kids. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years. A year after getting married we had to deal with one of his parents getting cancer and moving in with us. That almost broke us in many ways. In others it pulled us so tightly together. Having our first baby has been extremely unifying but at times I could kill him. Sex is still important to me but I can’t deny ours has taken a backseat. And yet it’s one of the things that we cope with. I think you can just never get too comfortable. Every day you have to work at being nice to each other, at not using ‘that’ tone of voice, at not pointing out the thing that you really want to point out because you’re both humans and you both deserve to be cut some slack. Your relationship before you have kids almost doesn’t matter. Having a kid fundamentally changes everything. But life is long and likely to throw up a litany of surprises and changes. Having a kid is only one, and one of the more pleasant changes. I suppose I’m saying you never really know and you can never rest on your laurels.

It's so much more than how you cope with a baby. All my childless friends can spend their weekends having quality time together doing adult activities. We spend our time taking kids to football practice etc & our weekends are totally focused around the kids. They need to do activities to use up their energy & no other family to help so it's all on us. Consequently we don't do much just the 2 of us at all, plenty of time spent as a family but we also have to split up & take a child each to look after as frankly they are exhausting when together. We spend our time so differently now to how it was before having kids. We are happy with this, but just to warn you unless you are both on the same page with this, then it can cause resentment.

Dynamics change children or not. You ahve to find a balance right for you both. We have been together 10 years this summer. 3 dc. Relationahip is fine. And planning dc number 4. I mean we dont go out on dates or fancy restaurants etc but we are happy with our evenings at home with dc. Marriage/life is what you make of it

Hi I haven't read the full thread - sorry if this is repeating everything- but first can I say well done for not settling/ panicking. It's impressive when someone reviews their dysfunctional relationships & works on themselves to get to the bottom of them and only then gets into another one. In many respects that is what I should have done. But I have a wonderful child (and believe me that anyone who knew me pre-child would not have had me down as a 'child fulfils you' type) so I can't look back with regret.

From what I have seen from those I have become close to since having a child- and you can get very close to new people over the years post-childbirth- is the ones who have a proper partnership are flourishing and weathering the storms. So the ones who have an equal and in some ways feminist partnership, good and clear (even if difficult at times) communication and respect for what each other do- whether that work is in the home or outside. The ones who feel equally responsible for all aspects of childcare during their 'free-time'. Where everyone has a stake in everything that goes on in the house and where changes and challenges are discussed in detail. Where each person thinks of the other person first (because they know it is reciprocated and not a threat to their wellbeing to do so).

I certainly do have friends like this who still can laugh and talk and have fun and have adventures with their husbands/ partners. Mostly both parties either were from healthy families themselves or have identified why their family was not healthy and have been very honest with themselves when meeting that head on. These friends would laugh if I called their relationship something to aspire too, they have their own hardships and arguments and frustrations, but ultimately they cherish their relationship as the foundation of their family.

Look at your communication, look at your family relationships and patterns, look at your attitudes to domestics and different kinds of work. It seems you have already done this and have every chance of happiness.

Having a kid changes your life completely so it's no surprise that it changes your marriage. The way I see it though, your marriage changes anyway. How many couples out there are completely in love, going on dates, frequent sex and romance after twenty years, or even ten? Whether they have children or are child free? That's something that just doesn't last, if you are even lucky enough to have it to begin with. People can blame things like that on kids when it would have happened anyway.

It isn't exactly the same but I had a boyfriend of five years who I never moved in with. I thought it would keep the relationship fresh - no domesticity, just eternal romance! But actually it got just as boring as if we had. Stale conversation, stupid arguments, nagging, rarely went on dates - which were boring anyway, sex life gone downhill.

I guess it's a bit like your body after you have kids. For most women, it basically ruins your body. But wait a few more years, and everyone's body is basically ruined. Women and men both melt in to a saggy pile as some stage.

We are still really happy but you cant just prioritise the kids all the time. Your relationship and spending time alone is important. We have regular nights out, nights away and a weekend away each year and really enjoy spending that time together alone stress free.

It's seriously hard work. Children can completely alter the dynamic of a relationship. You can lose it if you don't give it at least a little bit of attention.

My sister had a disabled child, which is like an extreme version of all of the above. Their relationship completely died in the crucible of that situation. They dealt with it in different ways, and it completely exposed and exaggerated all the flaws in them as a couple. They divorced after their second child.

It's hard to tell how you'll do. If I had to give advice, it's help each other out, have a laugh where you can, don't get resentful and be generous in how you react to each other. Also try to remember that the couple is the basis for the family - it's too easy to forget that and to think that the children are the be-all and end-all.

Everything you build for them relies on you both. You're the foundation. Don't let it break.