Would you date a man...

[PrettyLittIeThing]

That doesn't work? (Just wondering.)

he thinks it's wrong that I turned him down for this reason and said that it's not put any women off before

The fact that other women haven't been put off (he says ) doesn't oblige you to be interested in him. And it will have put other women off - he just doesn't want to tell you that.

If he's on JSA or worse - Universal Credit, he won't be allowed to 'get away' with not working indefinitely. There are Sanctions (complete stoppage of benefits) to consider, for non compliance, eg making himself unemployable, not applying for jobs, deliberately failing interviews, etc;

While I am quite empathetic to people who refuse to be wage slaves for Big Corp, it is not sustainable long term, nowadays. Much stricter criteria for benefits. Look at all the long term sick forced to apply for work. Some became more ill through stress, some even died.

I work part time, with just enough money for basic living costs, as I chose to semi opt out too. But I'm a single gimmer with fully adult independent children, so only myself to please

Tbh, the fact that he’s arguing with you about the validity of your reasons for saying no is more of a turn-off for me. You don’t need any reason at all to say no if someone asks you out. He just has to accept it.

Capable of working but no interest in working, and not busy doing anything else constructive?

No. I wouldn’t.

If it's a temporary thing I would (studying, between jobs but actively looking etc)

As a lifestyle choice I certainly wouldn't.

The problem with people refusing to be wage slaves, though, is that their income is generally reliant on others around them having to be so.

Semi opting out is different (and something I'm aiming for ): it's turning what we've been taught on its head and only earning as much as we need, rather than seeking more and more to fund unsustainable lifestyles. OP's friend is clearly just relying on others around him to fund his choices.

And yes it is also worrying that he feels entitled to argue with you about your right to reject him.

Nooooooo.
Wouldn’t matter if he is on JSA or multimillionaire it would be an attitudinal issue / sign of value incompatibility for me.

Definitely not. I dated a man who didn't work, he was wealthy enough to choose not to. He ticked a lot of boxes and was very fit and attractive but he was boring and I suspect that was down to having so little in his life. He had no ambition or drive. He had nothing interesting to talk about and he was only about 40. I finished it very quickly and when he realised I was about to he said he thought he'd got ebola ffs

the fact that he’s arguing with you about the validity of your reasons for saying no is more of a turn-off for me

This.

And ange1fish is right.

I agree with PPs that the arguing about your decisions isn't a good sign. Perhaps he's had that argument somewhere before....

OP why did you need to give him a reason? You are under no obligation to explain yourself.

For that, I think YABU. It comes across as you judging him for his choice. As you've only just come into his life you don't need to inflict your views on him.

No way would I date him. What’s he going to retire on? He’s already retired I guess, but surely he doesn’t plan to keep this up the rest of his life? What if there’s an emergency and he needs money fast? It’s one thing to fall on hard times but I could never feel secure with a man who isn’t bright enough to plan for his own future.

You have incompatible values
Presumably he is content to live on very little money which is fine but if you have a relationship with someone and one of you by choice has hardly any money it can be difficult for things to be fair and equal

No, I wouldn’t. My exP was a cocklodger that I put up with for way too long as he was a ‘nice guy’ . Not only refused to get a job but was lazy in the house too .
I am upping my standards if I ever date again. I lost respect for someone having no self pride or ambition, and didn’t care that I was the one who had to fork out for all bills, rent, food, holidays etc.

You would end up subsidizing him and what would you get in return?
He does sound like a Wannabe cocklodger

I was unemployed when I met my now DW. BUT, I was a volunteer artist at a studio which later on offered me well paid work, and also a volunteer trustee at a local charity and a volunteer admin for another local charity. So busy, bright in spirits, with every hope and intention of working. The hard thing was not having equal amounts of disposable cash, so we went on a couple of holidays in the first year before I was offered my job, and DW had to pay biggest costs of those. I didn't like how that felt although I had managed to put enough money together to pay for some meals and other smaller expenses. I wouldn't move in with her until I was working full time.

A little tale... just over 20 years ago I met a lovely bloke. When I first started talking to him he said he was unemployed. I didn't think it mattered. We were young and although I fancied him a lot I didn't think too far into the future.

Move swiftly to today. I married him, we have children and he's still unemployed.

He raised the children while I worked. It seemed reasonable as child care is expensive and he would have been in theory working to pay for child care. He's a great dad and does everything in the house.

Do you feel a 'but' coming on?

Due to circumstances, recession etc, we are struggling. I have never pushed the job situation on him but now I am growing resentful!

He is now depressed because we don't have what we once did! Today he is very quite. I have £30 to last till pay day (9 days), I'm commuting via coach to work to save money. I am now looking for weekend work also!!

(Was about to do my own post)

I feel lonely and empty. I still love him but I am now, after all this time, realising that he never had any intention to work. Always an excuse.

Back to you. He may be different but you need to think what you want long term. You cannot judge someone on what their circumstances are now but (I love a 'but') if he has a history of not working and you in your heart/head feel that it looks like a life style choice then I'd tread carefully.

I can go through all the excuses, all the scenarios, but it's you that have to make a decision.

Would I change anything???? Possibly

He was single when you met him so sounds like other women have been put off

He says it hasn't put other women off and yet he isn't with any other women....
My guess is that his previous girlfriends thought that once in a relationship he would want to find paid work so that things will be equal between them, when it became clear that he wasn't going to they decided to move on
Amirite?

On benefits but with no intention of working.

No way. He's a freeloading sponger.

Cross posted with Joystir!

I wouldn't personally judge him for his choice but I don't think a relationship with someone in that position would work unless you are also in that position
so perhaps he needs to look for a woman who feels the same as him
Who wants to live on a minimal income and have lots of free time

Oh BTW I wouldn't change my children, best thing I ever did, but I would have been stronger and more upfront.