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Original poster

Married but been thinking of someone else for 4 years

82 replies

mindboggled88 · 31/03/2018 22:13

I've been with my husband since 2009 and we have three young children. In 2013 at work I met a man who I used to sit next to. We got on really well and something about us 'clicked', we had so much in common it was weird, even down to really specific stuff. Anyway, after a little while I started to realise I was developing feelings for him and it freaked me out. I sought advice from my friend who said it was just a normal thing and would likely go away.That year we were made redundant from our jobs and I went on a night out which the guy was on. At the end of the night he kissed me and I reciprocated and then stopped it. I went home immediately afterwards and felt terrible. I told my husband about 2 weeks later and he forgave me as I wouldn't be seeing the other guy anymore due to redundancy. I fell pregnant a month later in early 2014.
I've kept in touch with the guy over the years, often boundaries were crossed in our conversations and so I stopped contact with him for a while then started again. The guy in question also works with my husband now.
Recently I tried to separate from my husband because I was still experiencing feelings for this other guy even though I've not actually seen him since December 2013 now. I felt really guilty at how much I was hurting him and what it would mean for our children so I decided to give it one more try. He's an amazing husband and father to our children but I dont feel a connection with him and I don't want to have sex with him either.

I still can't stop thinking about this other guy. He's 10 years older than me and he's a commitophobe really, but he said he felt a connection with me and we have a lot in common. I'm not sure how much the commitophobe aspect would bother me in the long run, as ending a marriage and going straight into a relationship probably wouldn't be the greatest idea. He's talked about us being in a relationship and stuff like that though, but i have my reservations because he's very much into the single life he lives.

What I'm trying to ask is, what would you do? Tell it to me straight, I'm a big girl and I fully expect some scathing replies here.

OP posts:
Dozer · 31/03/2018 22:17

Whatever you decide about your marriage, give up on the idea that things could go well with OM - that’s highly unlikely to happen.

healthyheart · 31/03/2018 22:18

If you are unhappy at home and don’t love your husband then do the right thing and leave him to hopefully meet someone worthy of his love and with whom he can share a happy life.

Dozer · 31/03/2018 22:18

Your ongoing emotional affair with OM is very unkind and disrespectful towards your H. If you want to have flirtations/conversations about your potential relationships with other people, end your marriage and be single.

Original poster
mindboggled88 · 31/03/2018 22:22

I told him this when we separated briefly last month healthyheart, I said he deserved someone else who would treat him right but he was having none of it. He loves me a lot and honestly I have no idea why (which I also said to him!!)

OP posts:
HoursOfFun · 31/03/2018 22:23

I don't really get how you can have such strong feelings for OM based on so little
It sounds like fantasy
I guess maybe because you marriage has issues
Though it sounds like the issues in the marriage might have little to do with OM given that there's so little to go on with him
Work out if you want your marriage or not
Try and see that as separate from MO which tbh just sounds like a distraction to take your mind off the here and now

Dozer · 31/03/2018 22:27

Your H’s feelings for you aren’t the point: you’re not sure you love HIM! Nothing wrong with ending a relationship. But having an affair is wrong.

Yes, OM is a fantasy. If you become single assume that’s how it’ll be - being single, with the possibility (if you wish) of future relationships with others, not with OM. Or your H.

Original poster
mindboggled88 · 31/03/2018 22:33

I don't want to have an affair no. I have thought about it I admit, but I couldn't do it to him. I've always said to H that if he ever thought about cheating on me to end it, not cheat. I feel very strongly about that, which I know sounds ridiculous because I'm being a f**k up over this.

I think you're right and I just need to leave him, I just love him so much (not in the right way though) that I don't want to hurt him. It was heartbreaking to see him hurting so much when I told him I wanted to separate, and I was scared he would hurt himself or something like that. He did agree though that if I carried on feeling as I said when we separated that he would understand it was over. I don't really believe he would accept it though :(

OP posts:
retirednow · 31/03/2018 22:33

Does your husband know it's someone he actually works with, are you still in contact with him. You are both really humiliating your husband.

Original poster
mindboggled88 · 31/03/2018 22:35

retirednow yes he does know who it was I kissed. He also knows I still text him and doesn't say anything.

OP posts:
frazzledtired · 31/03/2018 22:37

Oh gosh your DH knowing you are texting him. Please do the right thing and leave him.

Original poster
mindboggled88 · 31/03/2018 22:38

For some reason the other guy spoke to H at work a few years ago and told him he was sorry and it was all his fault and bought him a drink. Which was weird.

OP posts:
FrancisUnderwood · 31/03/2018 22:40

The OM has TOLD you he won't commit. Once you become available and 'his problem' he'll run for the hills. When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

End your marriage if you must, but NOT for this mirage of a relationship. I think you're in limerance.

Sn0tnose · 31/03/2018 22:45

In the kindest possible way, you sound like a 16 year old deciding whether she wants to be with the boy who never gets detention and always does his homework or the boy who rides a moped and got suspended in year 11 for smoking on school premises! These are people's lives you're mucking around with here. Your husband and your children seem to be getting what's leftover after you've finished daydreaming about this fantasy life you'd like to have with this other man.

He's a commitmentphobe. That is why he kissed you; because you're married, with more to lose than he has. If you'd gone along with it, he would have had all of the excitement and passion of an affair without any of the realities. He would still have been able to come and go as he pleased, see who he wanted to see, do what he wanted to do. If you were to start a relationship with him now, could you see him changing into a committed, honest and faithful partner who would be working towards building a home with you and your children? Of course he wouldn't. He'd go running as fast as his commitmentphobic little legs could carry him.

The magic may have gone in your marriage, but that could well be because you've been thinking about butterflies and rainbows with some other man for years, without appreciating what you have at home. If you truly feel like your marriage has ended and you don't want to work at fixing it, then crack on and end it sharpish, so he's got a chance of happiness with someone else. But don't be banking on this fella riding in on a white charger to swoop you up.

Grow up, for your own sake and the sake of your children and the poor bugger who loves his family enough to be an excellent father to his children, to forgive his wife for forgetting all about him while she cops off with Commitmentphobe Colin and to deal with the humiliation he must feel now having to work with this prince amongst men.

Original poster
mindboggled88 · 31/03/2018 22:45

FrancisUnderwood no, he hasn't told me that. Quite the opposite, but I don't believe him as he's nearly 40 and lives alone and seems to enjoy his life.

I do agree with you about limerance though, and I don't think this is really about him as such. I think it is about the idea that there is someone out there that is more suited to me that H perhaps.

OP posts:
RainyApril · 31/03/2018 22:47

Leave your dh and be on your own for awhile, free to pursue a relationship with the om if you wish. Your dh will be heartbroken but it's better than the death by a thousand cuts that you're administering now.

Your marriage never stood a chance while you mooned about over the om, maintaining contact and overstepping boundaries, and so humiliating and hurtful that your dh now works with him.

How you can be even a tiny bit attracted to the om, a man who thinks it's a good idea to buy a drink for the man whose wife he's flirting with, is beyond me.

Your comments about commitment say it all : he's an absolute cunt who will run a mile when you're single and he can't congratulate himself on getting one over on another man by leading on his desperate gagging wife.

Original poster
mindboggled88 · 31/03/2018 22:48

haha RainyApril, I love how you took my big girl comment and just absolutely ran with it!

OP posts:
Original poster
mindboggled88 · 31/03/2018 22:58

At the point the OG bought the pint for my husband, I had cut off contact with him btw! So he wasn't being a cunt he was just saying a genuine sorry.

OP posts:
retirednow · 31/03/2018 23:03

Is this really happening, I don't understand your husband just letting you behave like this, it's all a bit bizarre or is it just some fantasy that you're all involved in. If it's real then I would just leave your husband and let him have a bit of dignity.

Cricrichan · 31/03/2018 23:05

This is all fantasy. It's all in your head. So you may as well create the fantasy with your husband.

bluebell34567 · 31/03/2018 23:09

I think you are in the mood of 'the grass may be greener out there'. I would go relate counselling.

Original poster
mindboggled88 · 31/03/2018 23:13

I don't understand it either retirednow, because if this was the other way around I wouldn't be accepting it. It makes me wonder if he cares, but all the signs point to him caring. I just don't get it.

OP posts:
RainyApril · 31/03/2018 23:20

He bought a drink for your dh to say 'sorry' for kissing you, flirting with you, maintaining contact with you that often overstepped boundaries and just generally behaving in an inappropriate way with a married mother?

Right yes of course, he was just trying to be nice. I wonder how genuine that apology was, given that you since resumed contact.

Your poor bloody dh. Accepting a drink from this shitbag in the interests of what, manners, keeping the peace, moral high ground? Can't you find it in yourself to muster your dignity and treat your dh with some respect instead of all this hand wringing shit. You're not Romeo and Juliet, he's a middle aged player who would drop you like shit off a shovel if you turned up on his doorstep with your kids.

Hellywelly10 · 31/03/2018 23:22

This om is getting a nice ego boost from your attention. Your just entertainment to him. Try nlp it helped me a lot with obsessive thoughts and block his number.

Sn0tnose · 31/03/2018 23:26

So he wasn't being a cunt he was just saying a genuine sorry. Bollocks was he. How would you feel if you were madly in love with your spouse, he'd kissed a woman and she then approached you in your workplace to discuss it with you? How humiliated would you feel?

Joinourclub · 31/03/2018 23:29

You have had three kids since 2014 , how on Earth do you have the time and energy to fantasise about this man?!

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