Married but been thinking of someone else for 4 years

[mindboggled88]

I've been with my husband since 2009 and we have three young children. In 2013 at work I met a man who I used to sit next to. We got on really well and something about us 'clicked', we had so much in common it was weird, even down to really specific stuff. Anyway, after a little while I started to realise I was developing feelings for him and it freaked me out. I sought advice from my friend who said it was just a normal thing and would likely go away.That year we were made redundant from our jobs and I went on a night out which the guy was on. At the end of the night he kissed me and I reciprocated and then stopped it. I went home immediately afterwards and felt terrible. I told my husband about 2 weeks later and he forgave me as I wouldn't be seeing the other guy anymore due to redundancy. I fell pregnant a month later in early 2014.
I've kept in touch with the guy over the years, often boundaries were crossed in our conversations and so I stopped contact with him for a while then started again. The guy in question also works with my husband now.
Recently I tried to separate from my husband because I was still experiencing feelings for this other guy even though I've not actually seen him since December 2013 now. I felt really guilty at how much I was hurting him and what it would mean for our children so I decided to give it one more try. He's an amazing husband and father to our children but I dont feel a connection with him and I don't want to have sex with him either.

I still can't stop thinking about this other guy. He's 10 years older than me and he's a commitophobe really, but he said he felt a connection with me and we have a lot in common. I'm not sure how much the commitophobe aspect would bother me in the long run, as ending a marriage and going straight into a relationship probably wouldn't be the greatest idea. He's talked about us being in a relationship and stuff like that though, but i have my reservations because he's very much into the single life he lives.

What I'm trying to ask is, what would you do? Tell it to me straight, I'm a big girl and I fully expect some scathing replies here.

I was thinking he may continue to help whilst I find somewhere for us to live, as he wouldn't want our children to be homeless. I'm thinking you might want to start readjusting your expectations and base your financial calculations on the amount he'd actually be legally required to pay, rather than the amount you would like him to pay and which you're assuming he'd feel morally obliged to pay.

3 bed houses here are 800-900 and 2 beds 750ish, our current rent is 600 as it's not been raised for 4 years to be inline with the market Well then you obviously can't afford a 3 bed house in your area. So you either look in areas where you can afford a 3 bed house or you stay in the same area and either have one bedroom for the boys and a sofa bed for you, or two bedrooms and bunk beds, unless you have the earning potential to pay for both rent and childcare?

I know I've sounded quite harsh in my replies but I do actually feel quite sorry for the situation you've found yourself in. It sounds like you've rushed into adulthood without getting to experience your twenties, as well as having to deal with various issues of your own along the way.

Having said that, your posts do sound like you have no idea of the harsh realities of what awaits you after separation. You have three young children, no property to sell, no full time wage, you're going to struggle to find somewhere to rent while on housing benefit and you've got some vague notion that your husband who won't even listen to you when you tell him you don't want to be married anymore is going to finance you over the odds of what he's legally required to do (forcing him to remain with his mum and dad because he can't afford to rent on his own) while you swan off on hot dates with Commitmentphobic Colin!

Financially, you are going to be on the bones of your arse. For years and years. When it finally sinks in that you're not going to stay married to him, your husband is 99.9% likely to turn nasty in an attempt to punish you or force you to return to him. And the simplest way for him to do this is to pay you the bare legal minimum, which puts you in poverty. You might be certain he won't see his children homeless but are you sure he'll feel the same way about you being homeless?

I would never condone staying in a marriage or relationship you don't want to be in and I'm not doing it now. But if you're the big girl you claim to be, then stop fart arsing about and start making plans. Proper plans based on legal advice and not involving rainbows and unicorns. 💐

Op, my previous responses have been quite harsh because you are treating your dh so despicably. I've been in his exact position and it was truly soul destroying.

But I do actually feel a bit sorry for you now. If you had posted that you felt financially trapped in a failed marriage you would have received support and very different responses here.

My suggestion would be to see a solicitor and also begin to investigate what benefits you may be entitled to. It will help you to work out what your new household income will be, and show him that you are serious about pursuing a divorce.

He will seek his own legal advice at that point of course. He may decide to help his dc by paying over the odds, or he may pay nothing more than child maintenance. You will be required to return to full time work once your youngest is 3 if claiming certain benefits.

It can be done, but you need to start looking at the practicalities now I think.

Mindboggled88 I think you just long for somebody, a faceless, fantasy character to show you some kindness and that form has taken on the name of somebody you once used to know.

I think you have to be kind to yourself. You don't need your husband's permission to end a marriage, if he's carrying on like normal and making you feel like your application to apply for permission to end the marriage has been denied, he is not the boss of you. He is your husband and you have the power to end it. You do not need him to actually react in any particular way at all to end that marriage.

I understand though that when you have nowhere to go and no money when you get there it is difficult but it is not impossible.

The only offer now is CBT which isn't helpful as it doesn't discuss this sort of stuff. I can't afford to pay for counselling.

Counselling is cheaper than divorce and maintaining two homes, so why not make the investment? I really do think that you need to take the time to work out and through the origins of your behaviour.

You’re not horrible, you’re just someone who grew up without good stable relationships and whose figuring out shit as she goes along. Separation and divorce are big steps, please take the time to see if they’re steps you really want to take.

CBT does help with obsessive thoughts op. I think you have good insight into your past. Tbf i do admire you putting your feelings out there.

You need to get some counselling. Splitting up a family over some fantasy about a man who may never really want the commitment seems a dreadful thing to do to your kids without really trying everything to save your marriage first. Can you see this man even wanting anything more than a casual thing? How does he feel about the fact you will have to have the kids 50% of the time etc etc. Feel like once you have had sex a few times the desire will diminish - it's just the thrill of what you can't have, nothing more.