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Original poster

Married but been thinking of someone else for 4 years

82 replies

mindboggled88 · 31/03/2018 22:13

I've been with my husband since 2009 and we have three young children. In 2013 at work I met a man who I used to sit next to. We got on really well and something about us 'clicked', we had so much in common it was weird, even down to really specific stuff. Anyway, after a little while I started to realise I was developing feelings for him and it freaked me out. I sought advice from my friend who said it was just a normal thing and would likely go away.That year we were made redundant from our jobs and I went on a night out which the guy was on. At the end of the night he kissed me and I reciprocated and then stopped it. I went home immediately afterwards and felt terrible. I told my husband about 2 weeks later and he forgave me as I wouldn't be seeing the other guy anymore due to redundancy. I fell pregnant a month later in early 2014.
I've kept in touch with the guy over the years, often boundaries were crossed in our conversations and so I stopped contact with him for a while then started again. The guy in question also works with my husband now.
Recently I tried to separate from my husband because I was still experiencing feelings for this other guy even though I've not actually seen him since December 2013 now. I felt really guilty at how much I was hurting him and what it would mean for our children so I decided to give it one more try. He's an amazing husband and father to our children but I dont feel a connection with him and I don't want to have sex with him either.

I still can't stop thinking about this other guy. He's 10 years older than me and he's a commitophobe really, but he said he felt a connection with me and we have a lot in common. I'm not sure how much the commitophobe aspect would bother me in the long run, as ending a marriage and going straight into a relationship probably wouldn't be the greatest idea. He's talked about us being in a relationship and stuff like that though, but i have my reservations because he's very much into the single life he lives.

What I'm trying to ask is, what would you do? Tell it to me straight, I'm a big girl and I fully expect some scathing replies here.

OP posts:
Original poster
mindboggled88 · 31/03/2018 23:37

It was on a work night out Sn0tnose but yeah I know, I agree.

I don't get my H, he acts like a pussy most of the time. We are very opposite in personality.

Yes Hellywelly10 I think you're right. I am just an ego boost and I guess also he is an ego boost to me too.

I want to end things with H but he makes it very difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
mindboggled88 · 31/03/2018 23:37

Joinourclub, three kids since 2012, but yeah I see your point! I don't know really.

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 31/03/2018 23:58

I want to end things with H but he makes it very difficult. It sounds like you're acting as a participant in your own life because you don't want to take responsibility for yourself and your own decisions. You cannot carry on as you are. You're not happy and I can't imagine that your family are happy. So either stop fart arsing about and work on your marriage or leave your husband.

I don't get my H, he acts like a pussy most of the time That's a pretty ironic thing to call him, all things considered.

retirednow · 01/04/2018 00:03

Cloud cuckoo land

stayanotherday · 01/04/2018 00:25

Yes Retired.

OP this might not be in the spirit of MN but your amazing husband is somebody who does this:

mindboggled88 Sat 31-Mar-18 22:24:40
I've been with my husband for 9 years. In that times I cannot count the amount of times he's pissed himself, the sofa, the bed, in the sink...

It REALLY angers me but he's got better and tries not to get that drunk that it happens now. I'd not say it was normal, but yes it happens.

this doesn't sound good even leaving the OM out of it.

Dozer · 01/04/2018 08:16

You are in contact with OM, you have been HAVING an (emotional) affair.

Your H cannot, actually, “make it difficult” for you to end the relationship, it’s your decision to make and he will need to deal with it.

Footle · 01/04/2018 08:21

OP, google 'limerence'. That's what you're experiencing.

Personalsituations99 · 01/04/2018 08:26

You say you won't have an affair but you already have/continued to. You're in an emotional affair. You've kissed him.
Whether he likes it or not ending your marriage is better for your husband in the long run.
Give him the opportunity to find someone who loves him the same way he loves.
Don't go for the OM though he doesn't sound like he's ready in anyway to commit and you need to do some soul searching.

andyandapril · 01/04/2018 08:28

OM just simply doesn’t sound like a nice dependable guy. You could never make that work. That’s who he is and you can’t change that. He’s playing you like a fiddle. Put everything you’ve got into your current relationship right now and see how that goes.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 01/04/2018 08:37

Well, you are having an affair. Just because you havent opened your legs for him, doesnt mean its not an affair.

I find it pretty shitty you called your DH a "Pussy". He's the only adult in this fucked up shit show that has acted with any integrity. He wants to keep his marriage together, unfortunately, he cant save something when one person is mooning over some 40 year old midlife crisis.

Leave your husband. But I can tell you, you'll be kicking yourself a few years down the line when you've finally got your head out of your arse and suddenly find yourself single still and the other man with his sights on someone else.

You arent special to him, so stop pretending you are. All you are is a game.

Original poster
mindboggled88 · 01/04/2018 09:16

I don't particularly care whether or not I am a game to the OM to be honest. I'm under no illusions that I'm going to walk off into the sunset with him, it's more a curiosity than anything. The likelihood is I'd get bored of him in the end too if he didn't get bored first, because that seems to be what I do.

I've had a pretty shit life, I was abused until the age of 15 when I put myself into care. I haven't got any family and only a few good friends as I have anxiety. It doesn't excuse my behaviour but I think it's part of why I have become emotionally unavailable to my husband. I've never been entirely comfortable with intimacy with anyone, I feel vulnerable and left wide open. I guess maybe this is a part of some kind of self-destruct thing, not allowing myself to be happy or whatever and feeling better off alone.

Anyway I spoke to my husband about how I'm still not happy last night and once again today he's basically acting like nothing has happened. The only thing he was angry/upset about is that we recently bought a car!!

OP posts:
Cherryblossom36 · 01/04/2018 09:20

I think that if you are looking elsewhere maybe it's a sign you are not happy in your marriage or something Is missing? Could oh and you go to see a marriage guidance counsellor to see if you can get to the bottom of any issues you have or you could go on your own? I think it is important you are true to yourself and find happiness xx

BrownTurkey · 01/04/2018 09:28

Cut all contact with OM dead until you decide to leave your marriage. Don’t contact him and don’t read anything he sends.

OrangeCrush19 · 01/04/2018 09:36

“I've never been entirely comfortable with intimacy with anyone”

I don’t think it’s a coincidence you’ve chosen someone as unavailable as this OM. It’s a fantasy, that’s all, and a very safe one - your husband isn’t going to leave you or ask you to leave, and the OM likely doesn’t want a future with you, despite what he says.

Based on my own experiences, I wonder if all of this is you pushing the boundaries with your husband, seeing how far you can push him / rely on him to keep taking you back? You know this isn’t fair on him.

Apologies if I missed this, but have you thought about counselling - for you, not you and your husband?

Biologifemini · 01/04/2018 09:36

This other chap won’t take on 3 kids. Ever.
And certainly not if he is a commitment-phobe.
You need to pull yourself together.

Original poster
mindboggled88 · 01/04/2018 09:47

I don't want him to take on my kids? Not sure where that idea came from. They're my h's kids not his.

I had counselling for 2 years when I left care. The only offer now is CBT which isn't helpful as it doesn't discuss this sort of stuff. I can't afford to pay for counselling.

OP posts:
RainyApril · 01/04/2018 10:07

Your dh carries on as normal this morning because he doesn't know what else to do. He certainly doesn't want to be the one who pulls the plug, you'll have to be the one to do that.

Surely you don't lack the empathy to understand that he is desperately sad and hoping you'll change your mind or that things will magically get better?

Make plans, tell him what's happening and put him out of his misery by following through.

His self esteem must be on the floor. Imagine being told categorically, through words and actions, over several years, that you're not enough. And the poor sod is still hanging in there, taking whatever scraps he can get.

RainyApril · 01/04/2018 10:09

I don't want him to take my kids

Well you've fantasised about a future with him haven't you? What does that look like if he's not stepdad to your kids?

TabbyMack · 01/04/2018 10:51

You sound completely self-obsessed. Drop the pop psychology crap...you are not that interesting, dear. There’s no “written in the stars” connection between you and this other man...he’s using you for an ego boost. If you weren’t so desperate to believe in your own “specialness” you’d have seen that long ago.

You’ve got children. Grow the fuck up and live in the real world...not some Danielle Steel fantasy of your own construction..

bluebell34567 · 01/04/2018 10:58

your dh acting as if everything normal but I bet he is hurting inside very much.

Viviennemary · 01/04/2018 11:09

I think you should leave your DH and get together with this other man. Because it's absolutely no good live in this limbo. Or just have an affair with him. But on the other hand maybe drifting along in this little fantasy world suits you in a way.

Sakurasnail · 01/04/2018 11:13

It makes me wonder if he cares, but all the signs point to him caring. I just don't get it.
In the nicest possible way, maybe he's hoping you'll grow up and stop mooning about.

I'm under no illusions that I'm going to walk off into the sunset with him, it's more a curiosity than anything
So you're willing to risk your family because you're curious?

I don't want him to take on my kids? Not sure where that idea came from. They're my h's kids not his.
So how do you think this will work? H looks after the DC while you work through your curiosity of om, until you're bored? Or you split and see on on the weekends you don't have DC? Because if he's a commitment phone when there's only you involved, I doubt he'll want anything to do with you + DC.

retirednow · 01/04/2018 11:30

Is it all just a bit of a game for you, having two male admirers. What would you actually do if your husband told you to leave and told you the marriage was over and then the other bloke told you he wasn't interested either.

Original poster
mindboggled88 · 01/04/2018 11:47

Then I'd just be a single mum retirednow. It wouldn't be the end of the world.

OP posts:
Original poster
mindboggled88 · 01/04/2018 11:49

Ah look at you getting lairy Tabby, I bet you wouldn't say that to someone's face.

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