Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married but been thinking of someone else for 4 years

82 replies

mindboggled88 · 31/03/2018 22:13

I've been with my husband since 2009 and we have three young children. In 2013 at work I met a man who I used to sit next to. We got on really well and something about us 'clicked', we had so much in common it was weird, even down to really specific stuff. Anyway, after a little while I started to realise I was developing feelings for him and it freaked me out. I sought advice from my friend who said it was just a normal thing and would likely go away.That year we were made redundant from our jobs and I went on a night out which the guy was on. At the end of the night he kissed me and I reciprocated and then stopped it. I went home immediately afterwards and felt terrible. I told my husband about 2 weeks later and he forgave me as I wouldn't be seeing the other guy anymore due to redundancy. I fell pregnant a month later in early 2014.
I've kept in touch with the guy over the years, often boundaries were crossed in our conversations and so I stopped contact with him for a while then started again. The guy in question also works with my husband now.
Recently I tried to separate from my husband because I was still experiencing feelings for this other guy even though I've not actually seen him since December 2013 now. I felt really guilty at how much I was hurting him and what it would mean for our children so I decided to give it one more try. He's an amazing husband and father to our children but I dont feel a connection with him and I don't want to have sex with him either.

I still can't stop thinking about this other guy. He's 10 years older than me and he's a commitophobe really, but he said he felt a connection with me and we have a lot in common. I'm not sure how much the commitophobe aspect would bother me in the long run, as ending a marriage and going straight into a relationship probably wouldn't be the greatest idea. He's talked about us being in a relationship and stuff like that though, but i have my reservations because he's very much into the single life he lives.

What I'm trying to ask is, what would you do? Tell it to me straight, I'm a big girl and I fully expect some scathing replies here.

OP posts:
Original poster
mindboggled88 · 01/04/2018 11:51

I'm trying to 'grow up and live in the real world' by repeatedly trying to end this fucking marriage but he makes it hard to let go! He just carries on as normal. I have nowhere to go, I have no family to go to, if I did I'd leave. This place is all I have. His parents live 10 minutes up the road.

OP posts:
Sakurasnail · 01/04/2018 11:53

So tell him the marriage is ended, continue living in the same house, but different lives. Other ppl have done that until they could afford to move out.

Sakurasnail · 01/04/2018 11:54

There's prob a fair few threads about it if you look around.

TempusFugitive · 01/04/2018 11:55

You must be v unhappy with yr H to create such a fantasy alternative life in your head. You havent seen this "OM" since 2013?!

That's not an OM!!

TempusFugitive · 01/04/2018 11:58

Ps my x did that. He didnt hear what he didnt want to hear, so you keep trying to be HEARD before the next stage, actually splitting up.
But it is a tactic. You wont leave if he acts like he hasnt heard that you are GOING to leave him.

You have to pretend too. Pretend he heard you. What would you be doing if he had given you his approval to leave him. Do that! Because you dont need his blessing to split up. It is not a committee decision.

I know it is hard though.

retirednow · 01/04/2018 11:59

If you really wanted to end your "fucking marriage" as you so nicely put it you would find a way, women do it all the time. You say you have nowhere to go, what about your fantasy man, won't he take you in.

Dozer · 01/04/2018 12:06

You can end the relationship, your H doesn’t have to agree or assist. Read up on legal matters and get legal advice, investigate finances and any benefits entitlement and housing options.

Original poster
mindboggled88 · 01/04/2018 12:13

Sorry, I shouldn't have put my last comment. I'm well aware I'm being a massive dick. H deserves much better than me and I wish he could see that, I've also told him that. I asked him last night what exactly he loves about me because I can't think of a single thing. He is so loving to me and most of the time I am cold to him. I don't even get why. He's kind, funny, generous, a great dad and husband. He's also massively immature but he's grown since we've been together. I want him to be happy with someone who deserves his love and affection, not me. I've also said this, and he said he just wants to be with me. I think because he is nervous around girls he probably thinks he could never get anyone else.

I just wish he would let me let him go and see the light of what a horrible person I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
mindboggled88 · 01/04/2018 12:18

If I'm really honest I don't have any long-term intentions with the OM other than to maybe date him, but we'll never be more than that, or not for long if we were. I think really I'd just like to be single and maybe go on the odd date here and there. I think I just settled down with H and had kids etc too early. We met at uni and had our first child when I'd just turned 24 and I'm 29 now.

I don't really think this is about the OM, it's just about me wanting to leave my marriage and I've created this scenario as a means of getting out of it without realising it's what it's all about.

Thanks for giving me clarity on that.

OP posts:
retirednow · 01/04/2018 12:46

If what you say is true then do leave, it's not fair on your husband, you can't stay with someone because you have nowhere else to go. You are not a child, 24 is not that young to start a family. You sound quite immature too, maybe you just aren't ready for a committed relationship. I get the feeling you won't make the decision to leave, you want your husband to do that. Instead of fanning about you should just tell him the truth.

Original poster
mindboggled88 · 01/04/2018 13:46

Tell him what truth retirednow? I've told him I don't want to be with him anymore, I've asked him to leave, I've given it chances and tried again. He told me last time that we could give it one more try, if I was still unhappy he'd understand and leave. Then last night when I said I'm still unhappy he said 'you haven't tried'. So he lied, he isn't going to let this go.

He knows I can't literally leave as I have nowhere to go and nowhere to take our children either and I sure as shit aren't leaving them.

OP posts:
retirednow · 01/04/2018 14:00

Yes tell him that either he leaves or you leave if it's so awful, his parents are only up the road so can't one of you stay there. They are his children too so you'll have to seek legal advice about custody.

Original poster
mindboggled88 · 01/04/2018 14:05

I don't get on with his mum, so there is no way on Earth I would stay with them. I would like him to stay there, and to see the children as much as he likes. I would like to minimise the damage as much as possible in that respect for both him and my children, he's a great father.

OP posts:
midnightmisssuki · 01/04/2018 14:08

Wait - do what you really want him to do is leave your marital home and he has to rent/live elsewhere?

retirednow · 01/04/2018 14:29

It sounds like you want the best of both worlds, you say you want to be single and go on a few dates, you've mooned about someone you worked with for years, you don't want any intimacy with your husband, but you also expect and want the house and the kids, and its your poor hubby who is expected to be the one who has to move out.

RainyApril · 01/04/2018 14:38

So you don't just want to end the marriage, you want him to be the one leaving the family home and moving back in with his parents?

It's his home too. I assume his name is on the deeds? Start divorce proceedings and the house will be sorted out as part of that process. Plenty of people live under the same roof while their divorce progresses. It's not easy, but it's no harder than what you're both doing now.

You really do come across as very selfish and self absorbed, you want to end the marriage but also want everything to work in your favour.

And of course he still loves you and can't get over you, while he's still seeing you daily. Do you really not understand how this works? Once you're living separately he'll come to realise his lucky escape.

Original poster
mindboggled88 · 01/04/2018 14:39

We rent, it's not mortgaged. I have been on the council waiting list for 2.5 years so far and never anywhere close to one on the bidding.

What am I supposed to do hmm? What do other people do when they separate then retirednow? Absolutely puzzled why you think this is unreasonable when you separate. I can't afford to rent elsewhere with my kids and neither can he. What am I meant to do? I have no idea what you're suggesting other than just wanting to call me a villain at every turn!

OP posts:
Original poster
mindboggled88 · 01/04/2018 14:42

Granted, I'm a shit, but I do think your responses are getting stupid now.

OP posts:
RainyApril · 01/04/2018 14:43

If you can't afford to rent anywhere how will you pay the rent if he moves out and back with his parents? He's obligated to pay child maintenance, that's all.

You may both have to rent somewhere smaller. Do you already work full time?

Original poster
mindboggled88 · 01/04/2018 14:56

No I don't work full time, the children are 5,3 and 2.

The trouble as such is finding a deposit and also finding someone that will accept me, three small children (a friend recently was rejected multiple times from renting here for having 3 small boys with the same gaps as me) and take into account the benefits too as most estate agents wont factor them in. I'm not sure if you know how hard it is to have people accept you to rent whilst on benefits, but it is very much so. Nearly every ad says no DSS and part-time work pays jack once childcare goes out.

3 bed houses here are 800-900 and 2 beds 750ish, our current rent is 600 as it's not been raised for 4 years to be inline with the market.

OP posts:
Original poster
mindboggled88 · 01/04/2018 15:05

He can live here if he wants, he pays too after all, but it's not really a long-term solution and I don't imagine it will be great for his mental health to live with me whilst we're separated either.

OP posts:
RainyApril · 01/04/2018 16:14

Im not sure how are you are intending to support yourself. You told him that you want to separate but even if he moves out how will you pay the rent alone? Surely you have thought about this. Are you thinking that he will move in with his parents and continue paying for you?

I think you need to see a solicitor for proper legal advice because I don't think this will necessarily play out the way you want it to.

Original poster
mindboggled88 · 01/04/2018 16:19

I was thinking he may continue to help whilst I find somewhere for us to live, as he wouldn't want our children to be homeless.

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 01/04/2018 21:50

you have been honest and you are trying your best.
I think you best go to a good solicitor and get advice about how you split up.

ziggiestardust · 01/04/2018 21:58

tempus has it ABSOLUTELY bang on with their comment at 11:55. You are in love with the fantasy. This is NOT real. I would urge you to not end your marriage based on this. Also; with the ages of your children and you not working full time, this split is going to significantly impact all of your lives. If you live comfortably now; be prepared to have NOTHING like that when you leave. That’s why you can’t leave for a fantasy, which this is. You asked how people split up when the retire? Well, they either continue to live in loveless marriages (as evidenced by my NDNs), live with family until the divorce is over, or they have a big enough savings pot (like my parents) where they freeze everything else, but take £50k each to see them through until the divorce is over and sorted.