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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm ltb. Help me to follow through. Black eye :(

123 replies

LoveYouSo · 31/03/2018 04:02

So. I've posted on here before in a different name. I can't change my user name right now, but here goes.

My H punched me in the face. It started off as EA, now it is physical.

I have a lot of debt. I only work 15 hours pwk, but I love my job. How do I go about this? We rent, but I don't want to move and uproot the dc. How do I do this?

OP posts:

Gilead · 01/04/2018 12:44

I didn't press charges, I do wish I had. He does have a caution.

Bluntness100 · 01/04/2018 12:46

Please please, press charges, if not for yourself for any future woman who comes into contact with this piece of shit.

You cannot remove culpability for this for him, and you can't teach your children it's ok, press charges, it's the only way.

Well done on getting away. When they hit once, they always hit again. Always. You need to show him you won't let him away with it, not just by leaving him, but by pressing charges,

What kind of low life piece of shit punches someone in the face, never mind a woman and their wife.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 01/04/2018 12:48

It's unlikely he will be imprisoned tbh.
Unless he has multiple previous convictions.
He will probably be advised to plead NG on the off chance you don't go through with it (disgusting I know but this is what happens)
Then when the trial comes, if you haven't withdrawn your statement, he will be advised to change his plea to G
This is what happened in my case and I've been advised this is the norm.
They expect you to back down you see, so no point admitting to something until they have to. Nice our justice system isn't it?
In any case he will more than likely get a suspended sentence and community service.
This was my experience, he also had to pay costs. For me it was imperative that he had a conviction for assault (I wasn't the first but no one stood up to him so at least I knew the next poor cow might have a chance if finding out before it's too late, due to Claire's law). I was also granted a restraining order so no more mind games, although he did try his hardest to break it, I just reported each incident to the police and it's sorted now.
We didn't have any children together but he did and they were present during the attack so I was also trying to protect them.
A good father would not get drunk, verbally abuse and physically assault their partner, especially not while their children were present.

pointythings · 01/04/2018 13:09

Yes, do press charges. For your children's sake, for any future gfs' sakes and last but not least for yours - he blacked your eye. He attacked you violently and injured you, and he should be held to account for that.

Original poster

LoveYouSo · 01/04/2018 13:14

I have left him. He left the house willingly and then I left with the dc to come stay where I am. I have no wish to rekindle any sort of relationship with him. I intend on applying for a legal separation. Also, I want him out of the house by the time I return with the dc.

My sister has said I shouldn't press charges as the caution will be enough. I'm confused, surely social services would see this as not enough positive action? And should I contact social services or should I wait for them to contact me?

OP posts:

Original poster

LoveYouSo · 01/04/2018 13:18

Also worth noting that social services have in the past been briefly involved before over DV, although the police were not involved. Basically there is a history of DV - EA, for which I sought outside support.

OP posts:

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 01/04/2018 13:24

I'm so glad he's gone but your sister is wrong. please press charges, especially if SS have been involved for DV. This man needs all the consequences the law can provide and you and DC need that protection.

MrsBertBibby · 01/04/2018 13:44

Ignore your sister.

blaaake · 01/04/2018 13:52

Ignore her and press charges. If you don't it will come back and bite you on the arse.

GrooovyLass · 01/04/2018 14:07

Definitely press charges. And well done for being so strong xx

Granville72 · 01/04/2018 14:11

Absolutely press charges, not only has he broken the law and thus should be prosecuted accordingly, but YOU should be setting a good role model to your children that it is absolutely NOT ok to be violent or abusive to anyone and if you do, then you must accept the consequences.

Basically, don't let him get away with it.

AdoraBell · 01/04/2018 14:20

Definitely press charges. Don’t listen to your sister.

GrockleBocs · 01/04/2018 14:21

Well done. I suggest you contact SS as this is a sign you are actively seeking the help you and your dc may require.
Your sister may be thinking that pressing charges would be another thing to put yourself through but if you feel that you want to then please do. Again you're demonstrating you are a strong woman who will take action to protect you and your dc.

Bluntness100 · 01/04/2018 14:42

Why the hell would your sister not want you to press charges. That's mind boggling. She should be one of the first who insists upon it.

And yes op, if there has been domestic violence before and social services involved, then you need to show them you are serious about safeguarding your kids. You need to press charges.

Original poster

LoveYouSo · 01/04/2018 14:53

I am applying for an injunction order against him.

OP posts:

Gilead · 01/04/2018 14:55

LoveYouSo, This place will help you do a non molestation order. The help is free.

Original poster

LoveYouSo · 01/04/2018 15:00

Thanks Gilead the police are doing it for me.

OP posts:

Gilead · 01/04/2018 15:39

Brilliant! Glad you're safe!

RandomMess · 01/04/2018 15:49

Please press charges as it evidences there is doubt over his ability to parent the DC which you may need in the future and also a reason for divorce

So glad you are safe now

pointythings · 01/04/2018 17:05

I agree with everyone who is saying ignore your sister and press charges. You have fresh, highly visible evidence against him. Use it to protect yourself and your DC.

namechange2222 · 02/04/2018 06:45

My understanding is he must have pled guilty already in order to receive a caution
And I'm not clear about what 'pressing charges' consists of. When this happened to a family member she made a statement, abuser was arrested and, because he had previous history and a caution wasn't possible, he was charged and pled guilty.
He received a year sentence, out in six months and then recalled as he committed another DV offence against same family member. Children Services were involved for a while to ensure the mother was keeping the children safe.
If you have made a statement surely it's not you that 'presses charges', it's the police?
I'd really encourage you not to withdraw your statement.

MyBoysAndI · 02/04/2018 07:09

Please press charges. Ignore anyone who says otherwise. There are posters on here who are solicitors who have advised you to do that.... LISTEN TO THEM. They know what they are talking about!

TM71 · 02/04/2018 13:13

Hello,

As an ex policewoman i can honestly tell you that whether there was drinking involved or not assault is assault and something the police take very serious.

Please do not think that the police will shrug this off, you need to at least make a report to the police but I can guarantee you they will want to take it further.

Also as you only work 15hrs a week, you will be entitled to some sort of benefit not quite sure what it is but you will get assistance with your rent etc.

Go and see the police first then see if you can find some sort of domestic violence support group near you who will be able to help with regards to benefits etc that you will be entitled with and any other emotional and physical support you might need.

Personally I would not wait for it to happen again, plus you do not want your children growing up assuming it is normal and more than likely behave in a similar way to any future partners.

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