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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my husband is having an affair

85 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 30/03/2018 10:16

I’m not even going to bother to make change.

He’s been different for months, Moody and not like himself. We’ve been fighting a lot. He’s generally being an asshole, nothing is ever his fault.

We had a big fight and I told him to just not come home if he wasn’t going to change his attitude. He said he was going to his mums... I felt really ill following a surgery I’ve had three weeks ago and didn’t want to be on my own with my DD’s. I felt really shaky, I threw up and was in pain. I text him repeatedly with no answer.

I called... He wasn’t at his mums.

I asked him where he was, he said he was out with a specific friend. He must not realise that I have that friends wife as a Facebook friend from years ago and could see that they are on holiday.

He continued to alternate between ignoring me and saying he was with this person.

I told him I knew he wasn’t, and who was he with.

I threw up again and was feeling really ill, I messaged him and asked him to come home because I was so ill, I couldn’t work DD’s TV (she has Sen) and I was literally on the floor in the hallway.

He text back no. He was going to spend the night at his mums.

I asked about ten more times and tried to call him.

He ignored most of it and occasionally text ‘sorry no’

Early hours he came in. He was pretty drunk. I asked who he’d been with and he said a name.

He fell asleep on the sofa and i slept in the bed with daughter who was upset.

This morning I woke up and DD was playing a game on his phone next to me.

I looked at it and said girls name had a message from her unread that said ‘thank you’

Nothing else which leads me to think he’s deleted it all.

I’m in pain and I’m upset and he keeps telling me I’m not thinking straight, he’s hot nothing to apologise for...

What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 30/03/2018 10:16

That was supposed to say name change in the top line.

OP posts:
Onelasttime94 · 30/03/2018 10:23

I think he's a cunt and you need to get rid!

Onelasttime94 · 30/03/2018 10:24

Who was the girl btw? Has he given any explanation at all?

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 30/03/2018 10:25

I found the girl on Facebook and she’s been at the same workplace for a few months... and she’s blonde and gorgeous and skinny.

OP posts:
Camiila · 30/03/2018 10:26

I don't think you can chuck him out then expect him to come running when you want him

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 30/03/2018 10:27

He said nothing happened, he was just drinking with her. He’s acting really pissed off with me.

So why lie, twice, about where he was?

I feel so lonely... every part of me hurts.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 30/03/2018 10:29

Camiila - I didn’t chuck him out. I asked him to change his attitude. And we have two daughters, I think I should be able to expect him to come home when I’m ill and can’t look after our children.

OP posts:
Camiila · 30/03/2018 10:35

We had a big fight and I told him to just not come home if he wasn’t going to change his attitude.

you told him not to come home, then a few hours later decided he was obliged to and duty bound to.

it sounds to me like he was showing you you can't jerk him around on the end of a piece of string.

You not him not to come home.

MiddleClassProblem · 30/03/2018 10:36

Whether he has done something or not affair wise, he’s lied and berms a major twat and completely unsupportive.

Is there anyone you and the girls could stay with over the Easter hols? Not sure how easy that is with a DD with SENs and after your surgery.

Massive hand holds and hugs for you MPP. Whatever the truth, you are having a shit time of it x

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 30/03/2018 10:40

Oh come off it @Camiila you know bloody well that no decent man behaves this way.

Sorry OP.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 30/03/2018 10:42

Yes Camiila, exactly what you quoted... ‘if he wasn’t going to change his attitude’

Are you her or something??

OP posts:
Sakurasnail · 30/03/2018 10:44

it sounds to me like he was showing you you can't jerk him around on the end of a piece of string.
It sounds to me like he was being a twat and avoiding his family responsibilities while trying to start something with someone else...

Onelasttime94 · 30/03/2018 10:45

Yeah okay because it's normal to decide you couldn't care less how you treat your Ill partner then go out drinking with another woman. Ignore her sick pleads an lie about it.

Don't twist this on OP!

MiddleClassProblem · 30/03/2018 10:47

No matter how big a row DH and I had or if one of us told the other to get the fuck out, if the other needed us, particularly to help look after our child, we would be there.

Onelasttime94 · 30/03/2018 10:50

It's clear he fancies this girl...
It started when she started working there..

He took the opportunity last night and has found a reason to blame you. Doesn't matter what she looks like, she knows he's taken and probably knows he was ignoring you. She's just as much a twat for playing along. Pretty on the outside doesn't mean pretty on the inside.
Have you got anywhere to go? Has he? What do you WANT to happen? Take control of this situation now and don't let him play you for a fool!

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 30/03/2018 10:55

I feel too ill. I tried to have it out with him but I’ve had to lay down on my bed.

I don’t want him to go, and I don’t want to go. I want him to be normal and for us to have a lovely weekend. I just want him to give me a reasonable explanation so I stop feeling so on the ledge...

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 30/03/2018 10:55

So what would he do if shoe was on the other foot?

sparklepops123 · 30/03/2018 10:55

So he knows you've had recent surgery and your currently unwell and he still chose to mess with your head and leave you to struggle alone with your children. Let the blonde bitch have him because he sure as hell doesn't deserve you. 💐 oh and yes, he's a twat

Onelasttime94 · 30/03/2018 10:59

It's UP to you how you want to play this out. But this is something I personally couldn't forgive. It's going to be hard having a nice weekend knowing what you know and feeling how you do. We can only advise you on here.
But remember this isn't your fault. I think ypur suspicions are correct and it's a scary thought facing the truth.

twer · 30/03/2018 11:00

He is a twat and deleted messages most definitely would make me suspicious.

However, Telling him not to bother coming home til he changes his attitude (like he's a stroppy teenager) then demanding he comes home after gave him an excuse (in his mind)^^ to act like a stroppy teenager.

I'm sorry you're feeling ill and you're married to a selfish twatbag

EllenRipley · 30/03/2018 11:18

Whatever is going on he's treating you very badly and that should be enough to give you serious pause for thought about your relationship and its future. But you don't sound in any fit state to make decisions or have confrontations with him right now, I'm more worried about you at this point! Do you need to see a doctor? Have you got any friends/family who you can call on?

troodiedoo · 30/03/2018 11:23

Poor you OP. He's a prize bell end. Have you anyone who can come and help you, both with your dd and emotional support Flowers

Babyblues052 · 30/03/2018 13:24

Regardless. He's clearly lied and was okay with you being in a pile on the floor in pain and being sick. Ltb. He's a bastard

Adora10 · 30/03/2018 13:53

Jesus, I get that the OP told him to go away then texted him, out of desperation from what she says, the poor woman was in agony so yes he was totally out of order, I'd not trust a word he says.

Camiila · 30/03/2018 14:14

The OP told him to go away, knowing full well what her medical situation was, then tried to use it to jerk him back on the end of a piece of string, when it suited her.

Smacks of power games