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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my husband is having an affair

85 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 30/03/2018 10:16

I’m not even going to bother to make change.

He’s been different for months, Moody and not like himself. We’ve been fighting a lot. He’s generally being an asshole, nothing is ever his fault.

We had a big fight and I told him to just not come home if he wasn’t going to change his attitude. He said he was going to his mums... I felt really ill following a surgery I’ve had three weeks ago and didn’t want to be on my own with my DD’s. I felt really shaky, I threw up and was in pain. I text him repeatedly with no answer.

I called... He wasn’t at his mums.

I asked him where he was, he said he was out with a specific friend. He must not realise that I have that friends wife as a Facebook friend from years ago and could see that they are on holiday.

He continued to alternate between ignoring me and saying he was with this person.

I told him I knew he wasn’t, and who was he with.

I threw up again and was feeling really ill, I messaged him and asked him to come home because I was so ill, I couldn’t work DD’s TV (she has Sen) and I was literally on the floor in the hallway.

He text back no. He was going to spend the night at his mums.

I asked about ten more times and tried to call him.

He ignored most of it and occasionally text ‘sorry no’

Early hours he came in. He was pretty drunk. I asked who he’d been with and he said a name.

He fell asleep on the sofa and i slept in the bed with daughter who was upset.

This morning I woke up and DD was playing a game on his phone next to me.

I looked at it and said girls name had a message from her unread that said ‘thank you’

Nothing else which leads me to think he’s deleted it all.

I’m in pain and I’m upset and he keeps telling me I’m not thinking straight, he’s hot nothing to apologise for...

What do you think?

OP posts:
Sesimbra · 30/03/2018 14:19

You refer to "my DDs". Are they his?

If they are, then he should have offered to come and collect them and taken them to his mothers as you were too ill to look after them.

If they are not his, then you have thrown him out, effectively split up, so why would he come running to support you?

I think you need to split up and mean it as he sounds immature and is probably cheating. I hope you feel better soon.

Bluntness100 · 30/03/2018 14:30

On a side note op when is your next check up? In most circumstances repeatedly throwing up and having to lay on the floor in the hallway is not normal three weeks post surgery. Unless there is mitigating circumstances not mentioned here.

I think I would seek medical help as your first port of call. Secondly I would say when you're this ill you should not be stating you want to be alone with the kids, you need help. That help may not be him, but you're not well enough and need support.

I'm also curious, are they his children too?

Bluntness100 · 30/03/2018 14:31

Also do you have any other support? Parents, friends, siblings, who could help with the kids whilst you recover?

Chippyway · 30/03/2018 14:42

He took the opportunity last night and has found a reason to blame you. Doesn't matter what she looks like, she knows he's taken and probably knows he was ignoring you. She's just as much a twat for playing along. Pretty on the outside doesn't mean pretty on the inside

Oh my god are you absolutely mental?! Hmm

The girl has done NOTHING wrong!!! Even if she does know he’s married, SO WHAT?! Is she not allowed to hang out as friends with married men now? God forbid an attractive single woman should have a male friend who’s married, I mean of course she wants to wreck his marriage and sleep with him Confused what you wrote is absolute rubbish. She was probably none the wiser. Even if she fancied the pants off him and was trying to sleep with him, she’s technically still not doing anything wrong, she’s not married to the OP. She is not to blame her!

OP, regardless of his behaviour recently, you can’t tell him to go and then expect him to come back when you decide it’s okay for him to.
However, saying that, I think he’s an arsehole for not coming home despite knowing how you were really feeling. You should never have begged. The first time he said no you should’ve just left it. It told you everything you needed to know - his priorities were his night out not you. As for the lying, that’s another reason why you deserve better.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 30/03/2018 14:52

Yes, they’re our DD’s together.

I am seeing a doctor today. I’m waiting for the secretary to call me back.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 30/03/2018 15:04

Fingers crossed for the doctors today x

notapizzaeater · 30/03/2018 15:06

Good luck at the doctors.

Tbh the affair is the least of your worries, his totally disrespect for you is.

EinsteinsArousedSausagesHCB · 30/03/2018 15:24

The OP told him to go away, knowing full well what her medical situation was, then tried to use it to jerk him back on the end of a piece of string, when it suited her.

Smacks of power games

IMO it smacks of a person who is frustrated and at the end of their tether, while recovering from recent surgery, is in pain, and having to put up with an unsupportive DH acting like an arse.

Onelasttime94 · 30/03/2018 15:36

chippyway no actually I'm not mental, if she knows another woman's husband is out drinking with her and is ignoring is Ill wife's pleas without saying go home. She's a cow in my eyes.
If she didn't know (my bad) but that's highly unlikely isn't it lets face it.
She was constantly calling and texting so she will know something was up. He was being an arse and completely disrespected his wife.
That's my opinion. Like it or lump it!

Bluntness100 · 30/03/2018 16:41

Good luck op at the doctors.

One last time, you're one of them aren't you? One of those women who hates other women and will do anything to attack them, will imagine any scenario, twist anything to have a go and make it the woman's fault. Especially if the woman is pretty eh? That really brings your bile spewing out.

Oh and that's my opinion. Why don't you like it or lump it?

char187 · 30/03/2018 16:54

Are people actually blaming op for this? I can't believe some of what I've posted here.

Op you have done absolutely nothing wrong. He's a twat. He behaved like a twat and you've said you did not chuck him out.

He should of come home when you text him even if he was angry at you. He has 2 daughters. He's a parent too. You are ill, you cannot look after them properly. Therefore he needs to put his dds first and get home ASAP regardless of the situation between the 2 of you.
He left you to struggle while he was out with another woman. On top of that, he lied to you about where he was.

How can anyone actually blame op for this? How would you feel if your oh was out drinking whilst you were throwing up in the bathroom along with trying to look after 2 dd's? One of which has special needs? Wether she's wrong for 'chucking him out', he should be a father before anything else and should of got his arse home as soon as he could for the sake of his daughters.

There are always people on here that no matter ahah the situation, the op is to blame and this is one of them.

If my dh were out drinking with another woman and then lied to me about who he was with, that would be the end for me wether I was ill, had dcs, kicked him out etc etc. That's wrong in itself.

fairylightsdown · 30/03/2018 18:18

Of course he's acting pissed off with you. You've spoiled his fun and reminded him that he is meant to be a responsible parent.

Focus on getting yourself better and feeling stronger. Then think about your next steps re him. Personally, if he can't be relied upon during sickness or to look after his children, then i would walk. He is choosing to spend time with another women rather than help you get better or parent the dc.

SandyY2K · 30/03/2018 18:56

He said he was with someone he wasn't with. He continued with that lie until you told him you knew he wasn't with that person.

I would think he's cheating too. That would also account for his shitty behaviour towards you.

Psychobabble123 · 30/03/2018 19:13

If he was with a friend, why would he lie and say he was with the holiday guy? He wouldn't, an innocent person would have no need to lie. I'm so sorry OP, but it really doesn't look good. If I were you, I would be doing some investigating- phone, banking and phone statements, sat nav in the car, receipts in wallet.because if he has cheated and you confront him without evidence, you will never knowas he will becomean expert at hiding it.

Sakurasnail · 31/03/2018 00:22

The girl has done NOTHING wrong!!! Even if she does know he’s married, SO WHAT?! Is she not allowed to hang out as friends with married men now? God forbid an attractive single woman should have a male friend who’s married,

Wouldn't you think it a bit strange if a married man you'd known from work for a maximum of a few months was out drinking until the early hours, while receiving numerous texts /calls and replying to many? Pretty sure I'd be wondering why he wasn't going home to DW and kids at a more reasonable time of night.
And if it were just him drinking with this young blond girl he's known such a short time, I'd definitely be wondering at his motivations. I mean, how many married men have that good a platonic 'friendship' with a young female workmate, after just a few months? Surely he would have mentioned her previously if they were fast becoming friends with no inappropriate feelings in play?

5exybomb · 31/03/2018 00:33

Hes a total loser! Get rid straight away. You can do a Lot better girl!!

MiddleClassProblem · 31/03/2018 00:34

But what has she done wrong? Is it her responsibility to send him home? How do we know no one else was there? How do we even know she was there 100%? For all we know he messaged her a compliment, maybe even about work, and she replied.

Sure she could be canoodling but she could also not. She’s currently Schrödinger’s cat and the facts are he’s still lied about being at his mum’s and been a twat.

KittiKat · 31/03/2018 00:39

A GP who works on Good Friday?

Sakurasnail · 31/03/2018 00:40

For all we know he messaged her a compliment, maybe even about work, and she replied
So it's normal innocent behaviour for a married man to compliment a young new female coworker, stay out drinking (possibly alone with her) til the early hours and ignore his phone calls/texts? Sorry, but if I were this girl, I'd be wondering at his motivation/interest, if I knew he were married.
That's all supposition anyway, as we/op don't know what actually happened. But we do know that he lied about being out with her. Which he wouldn't have felt the need to do if it was all above board.

MiddleClassProblem · 31/03/2018 00:54

It’s not normal but it’s not her job to tell his wife “oh, I’ve never met you but your husband messaged me at 2am and said well done on the contract today so I said thank you as I was just home from being out”

FlaminYon · 31/03/2018 01:02

He should of come home when you text him even if he was angry at you. He has 2 daughters. He's a parent too. You are ill, you cannot look after them properly. Therefore he needs to put his dds first and get home ASAP regardless of the situation between the 2 of you.

^^This

Sakurasnail · 31/03/2018 01:09

It’s not normal but it’s not her job to tell his wife “oh, I’ve never met you but your husband messaged me at 2am and said well done on the contract today so I said thank you as I was just home from being out”
I get that the email reply could have been something like that. But that's separate from the fact he lied about who he was out with, and he stayed out til the early hours ignoring his wife, and by extension, the needs of his DC.

MiddleClassProblem · 31/03/2018 01:14
Confused

Have you actually read my posts?

Sakurasnail · 31/03/2018 01:21

Erm, yes, or I wouldn't have cut and pasted a section Hmm
We both agree he lied... And?

Puffycat · 31/03/2018 01:22

@Onelasttime84
High 5 girl!
Got it in 1!