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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my husband is having an affair

85 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 30/03/2018 10:16

I’m not even going to bother to make change.

He’s been different for months, Moody and not like himself. We’ve been fighting a lot. He’s generally being an asshole, nothing is ever his fault.

We had a big fight and I told him to just not come home if he wasn’t going to change his attitude. He said he was going to his mums... I felt really ill following a surgery I’ve had three weeks ago and didn’t want to be on my own with my DD’s. I felt really shaky, I threw up and was in pain. I text him repeatedly with no answer.

I called... He wasn’t at his mums.

I asked him where he was, he said he was out with a specific friend. He must not realise that I have that friends wife as a Facebook friend from years ago and could see that they are on holiday.

He continued to alternate between ignoring me and saying he was with this person.

I told him I knew he wasn’t, and who was he with.

I threw up again and was feeling really ill, I messaged him and asked him to come home because I was so ill, I couldn’t work DD’s TV (she has Sen) and I was literally on the floor in the hallway.

He text back no. He was going to spend the night at his mums.

I asked about ten more times and tried to call him.

He ignored most of it and occasionally text ‘sorry no’

Early hours he came in. He was pretty drunk. I asked who he’d been with and he said a name.

He fell asleep on the sofa and i slept in the bed with daughter who was upset.

This morning I woke up and DD was playing a game on his phone next to me.

I looked at it and said girls name had a message from her unread that said ‘thank you’

Nothing else which leads me to think he’s deleted it all.

I’m in pain and I’m upset and he keeps telling me I’m not thinking straight, he’s hot nothing to apologise for...

What do you think?

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 31/03/2018 01:28

So I post a whole thing saying you can’t blame her.

I also post about her being an unknown entity.

I also post that the actual facts we have to go on are an issue enough.

All in one post.

Then you grab the first bit and challenge that the girl isn’t blameless but then conclude that we know nothing.

I respond with an example as to how she could be blameless.

You respond with agreeing but then saying “But that's separate from the fact he lied” as if that had never occurred to me despite it being in my original post. It’s just odd but I guess you didn’t mean it like that.

Sakurasnail · 31/03/2018 01:34

No, sorry you read it the wrong way. Someone else had commented on the behavior of the girl as well, I was using your quote to agree the text could have been irrelevant, but I still disagreed that it was usual (ie with no underlying motivations) for a little aged man to stay out drinking with a young female he barely knows, while ignoring his phone calls/texts. If I was that girl I might wonder about his motives. Does that make more sense? Smile

Sakurasnail · 31/03/2018 01:34

Ha, middle aged, not little aged man!

MiddleClassProblem · 31/03/2018 01:40

But we don’t disagree on that. We just don’t know that that’s what happened.

I’m just trying to help MPP stick to the facts that are infuriating enough rather than get worked up on the possibilities that there isn’t solid evidence of.

In no way am I condoning his behaviour of suggesting it’s normal.

Sakurasnail · 31/03/2018 02:35

I get you. I was mostly responding to the other poster who was going on about the young woman he may have been out with. A slight tangent from the main problem, yes.
I don't disagree with you.

Sometimeitrains · 31/03/2018 08:06

I cannot believe that people on here have the cheek to blame op and defend this girl and the man involved WTF is wrong with you!!
A couple with children have a tiff while one partner is greviously ill. Therefore its quite allright for the one who isnt ill to stay out all night repeatedly lie about his whereabouts and refuse to return to look after his own children. Yet somehow its the ops fault.
A woman goes out drinking allnight with a married man who then spends the night and doesnt think anything is wrong with that scenario.....
So wrong!
Op your partner is a prize prick. Generally I Err on the side of working things out but on this one I would say LTB.

Lovelydearie · 31/03/2018 08:11

Blonde bitch?

Jesus. Who needs misogyny when we have other women FFS?

Lovelydearie · 31/03/2018 08:14

And skinny, OP?

As opposed to fat?

Being blonde and slim and pretty is a crime.

Sakurasnail · 31/03/2018 08:20

Who needs misogyny when we have other women FFS?
Pretty sure misogyny would cover deliberately getting involved with other women's dp. And I'd have harsh words to describe someone who did this.
(of course, we don't know if this actually is the case atm, as OP's dp seems to be a lying twat. )

Mogleflop · 31/03/2018 08:29

Sorry OP Thanks

Forget talking about the other woman, she's irrelevant (and may even have been turning him down and making him feel extra bad-tempered all this time).

No matter what, it's his behaviour to you that's shitty.

How are you doing this morning?

Lovelydearie · 31/03/2018 08:32

His behaviour is unacceptable because he refused to come back and help you.

EinsteinsArousedSausagesHCB · 31/03/2018 09:57

I hope all is medically well MPP, and that the pain has eased. Flowers

Overthinker1 · 31/03/2018 10:24

What was said/ what was the fight about. It’s only 1 side of the story here. If you tell someone to leave you can’t then beg them to come back and get angry they didn’t. Maybe he was too frustrated and angry with you to come home especially with a child in the house. I don’t agree with him lying about where he was but I also don’t agree with everyone assuming his an arse / having an affair because he went for a drink with an attractive girl. You two need to sit down and discuss what happened sensibly. You both need to understand how the other felt before the argument and why you disagreed as well as why your upset he lied to you and the reasons he lied

TheGrumpySquirrel · 31/03/2018 10:43
  1. He's lying to you
  2. He doesn't give a shit
  3. He's probably cheating or very close to physically cheating if he hasn't already

NO ONE deserves to be disrespected like this. I'd stop trying to call him and leave all his stuff in bin bags on the driveway unless he starts talking right now and gives you full access to his phone, an apology and full explanation.

I hate it when men treat us like we are fucking stupid. Don't let him.

EinsteinsArousedSausagesHCB · 31/03/2018 10:46

I don’t agree with him lying about where he was but I also don’t agree with everyone assuming his an arse / having an affair because he went for a drink with an attractive girl.

I agree that having a drink with an attractive woman doesn't automatically make him an arse or equal an affair. However, the fact he lied about it and ignored his sick wife's pleas for help, knowing she's had recent surgery, is in pain and struggling with SEN DC, does indeed make him an arse. It may not equal an affair but given the fact he lied makes it seem highly suspicious.

Chippyway · 31/03/2018 12:16

no actually I'm not mental, if she knows another woman's husband is out drinking with her and is ignoring is Ill wife's pleas without saying go home. She's a cow in my eyes. If she didn't know (my bad) but that's highly unlikely isn't it lets face it. She was constantly calling and texting so she will know something was up. He was being an arse and completely disrespected his wife.That's my opinion. Like it or lump it!

I’ve been out with a male friend in the past after it just so happens they’ve had a row. Does that make me a cow? This woman had nothing to do with the OP and her husbands disagreement. If the op’s husband had been out with a male friend would you be calling him a bastard? Nah, probably not... I wonder why? If the op had said this woman was fat and ugly instead of skinny and blonde would you still be calling her a cow? Again, probably not.

Also, you are aware of the fact you can put your phone on silent, aren’t you? Perhaps that’s what he did. Who’s to say this woman knew exactly who was texting him. Do you read your friends phones whilst you’re out with them? I certainly don’t.

But I stand by my point. Even if this woman did know about their argument, so what?? She still hasn’t done anything wrong. She was just enjoying a night out with her friend who just so happens to be married and mid arguing with his wife.

And I’m sorry, if somebody had told me to leave I wouldn’t come back either.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 31/03/2018 12:28

He says nothing happened, and that his conscience is clear.

I said ‘so it’s okay to lie to me?’ And he won’t reply to that.

The fact he can lie to me with a totally clear conscience is pretty worrying.

The fight was about our wedding anniversary the day before. I bought him a trip away and he got me a card... he was so angry at me. He said it wasn’t a special anniversary (11) and I shouldn’t have done it. It was my own money, I didn’t use credit, I was baffled. And he got more and more angry. It was totally baffling and frustrating.

That’s why I told him to not bother coming back unless he had an attitude adjustment... because I don’t want to fight anymore. (Ironically.)

And to the person about my doctor, it was my surgeons secretary, it’s private and she is always available on email... or so they say.

This is getting nowhere, he’s genuinely not sorry and im not happy with that outcome.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 31/03/2018 13:28

Op, so sorry.He has let you down when you are vulnerable and then blaming you.

I doubt there is anything you could have done differently.Perhaps he didn't have a physical affair this time but he has been lying and no doubt the intent was there.

His attitude suggests he has detached but he not yet ready to leave...perhaps too early days with OW or he wants his cake and eat it.
I think you can keep stating it's unacceptable behaviour but if he has no remorse its not going to change his attitude.

Can you suggest a separation, go nc accept for discussions over dc.It might shake him out of his selfish bubble but chances are it won't.

I'm sorry...he may at some stage wake up and regret what he is losing but I don't think its now.

Do you get on well with his mum?

TheNaze73 · 31/03/2018 13:34

What was your original instruction, stay out or come home? The original message was confusing & he was set up to fail regardless. He’s being a grade A wanker regardless & I think you have some big decisions to make. Good luck Flowers

minimalpatience · 31/03/2018 13:41

The fact he can say "his conscience is clear" when you were ill and needed help looking after the children is pretty despicable regardless of whether you had argued whatever his feelings towards you in the heat of the moment, his brain should, at the very least given his clear lack of compassion, thought (and cared) about the welfare of his children. That isn't the attitude of someone that genuinely cares for you or the children.

Also, sorry to say that his reaction to your having booked a thoughtful surprise getaway smacks of a guilty conscience, and not from the fact that he only bought you a card.

Good luck.

minimalpatience · 31/03/2018 13:43

And no it's not ok to lie. Relationships are built on trust and being a team. Doesn't sound like he has your back at all.

ziggiestardust · 31/03/2018 15:25

lovelydearie your posts make you sound really awful. I don’t feel that ‘skinny’ or ‘blonde’ are derisive terms. The OP is trying to explain the situation to a forum in a safe space. As long as she doesn’t use derogatory terms (she hasn’t) she is allowed to describe the woman. I’m glad I wouldn’t have to turn to someone like you in a crisis.

BubblingUp · 31/03/2018 15:51

It's hard to think straight when you feel like crap physically. So maybe just wait before doing anything.

His (over)reaction to your gift of an anniversary trip is odd. It is baffling and another hint to where his head is at.

He may be telling the woman at work he is "separated" which is how a lot of married men describe their marital status to female coworkers so as not to close any door with any pretty young woman. He is probably lying to her too. She may not be even interested in him romantically.

The text of "Thank you" doesn't sound post-sex. It sounds post-paying for dinner and drinks or post-thanks for listening to me whine about some personal problem. Or do people normally text "Thank you" post sex like he did her some big favor having sex with her? That seems weird.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 31/03/2018 16:19

His reaction to the trip is pretty telling. He has bare faced lied to you without giving two shits about it and what kind of a person gets annoyed about a surprise trip unless they are already detached from the relationship and feel guilty. Sorry you are having to deal with this. I'd not be giving him any more benefit of the doubt.

MiddleClassProblem · 02/04/2018 09:17

Thinking of you. Hope your health is doing better x