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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating a separated man -please advise!

86 replies

flowerfairs · 28/03/2018 22:01

I've been 'seeing' a separated man for a couple of months. He's lovely, kind, caring, romantic....we seem to have great chemistry.

Now the tricky bit...he's not very available. He has cancelled several dates on the day due to 'work commitments'. He's got children so perhaps it's actually family commitments but he's not saying. He's very sweet and romantic by text and phone, but we're not really getting beyond dating iykwim. He hasn't wanted to sleep with me yet but loves kissing and cuddling. We see each other every couple of weeks, as we both have children and live an hour from each other. I don't really know what to do, I'm falling for him but I fear he is still wrapped up in his marriage. When I've suggested ending it he doesn't want to.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 28/03/2018 22:04

Has he started the process of getting divorced?

It doesn’t sound like a serious relationship yet. I’d back off until his marriage is officially over.

Hellywelly10 · 28/03/2018 22:05

He doesnt sound available. The relationship will either move on or it wont. Try to have a life apart from this. Time will tell.

SandyY2K · 28/03/2018 22:10

How long has he been seperated?

If you stick him ... keep it casual and don't limit your options. It doesnt sound like he's in the right place for a relationship.

Original poster

flowerfairs · 28/03/2018 22:12

Thanks. No he's not started the process of divorce. I feel like he's keeping me at arms length tbh but at the same time he makes very romantic and 'in love' declarations to me. You're right I should pursue my own interests, I'm just feeling quite attached to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

flowerfairs · 28/03/2018 22:13

It's also confusing as he doesn't seem to want me to go.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 28/03/2018 22:13

No he's not started the process of divorce.

What reason does he give for this? That would worry me.

Pinkroses123 · 28/03/2018 22:22

Maybe he feels a loyalty to his wife and children if he isn’t officially divorced. Does he give any indication if that is what he and his wife are planning to do?

DorynownotFloundering · 28/03/2018 22:37

Sorry OP he is not separated, I'll bet good money you are his bit on the side - tell him to come back if & when he gets divorced.

Original poster

flowerfairs · 28/03/2018 22:46

Thanks. I haven't asked much about the separation as I didn't want to be rude/intrusive. I know he lives apart from her but in a rented studio, so not exactly a long term solution.

OP posts:

makingtime · 28/03/2018 22:55

How much do you know about him? Where did you meet and is he open with details about his wife and kids etc?

Nestofvipers · 28/03/2018 22:56

He’s not separated is he? I’m sorry to say it, but I’d also put good money on you being his bit on the side.

In my experience ‘being separated’ is a line married men tell the person they want to have an affair with in order to reel in the “affairee”. When the affairee is attached or if the man is really pushed to tell the truth, the cheaters script appears I.e I’m married and we’re not separated, but I don’t love my wife/we’re only together for the children/because she’s mad/we never have sex/all the other bolloxey cliches married men having affairs come out with.

Original poster

flowerfairs · 28/03/2018 23:02

I met him on online dating. I know the names of his wife and kids and I know his general history, workplace etc. I've been happy to take it slowly but his general lack of availability bothers me. At first I thought it was due to him coming out of a tricky marriage, not wanting too much too soon etc. But now all the sweetness and romanticism by phone/text but lack of physical contact makes me wonder if hes wanting me as emotional support but still in or wanting to be in the marriage. If I knew he just needed time, ie he doesn't want to move fast due to past experience, I'm happy to wait. But if I'm just second best then it's no good. I'm not sure I can quiz him?

OP posts:

Original poster

flowerfairs · 28/03/2018 23:04

Thanks nest I'm pretty new to all this and a bit naive/vulnerable. So should I ask him more? How does this play out?

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 28/03/2018 23:06

You don't need to quiz him. You just say what you've said here, that he still seems wrapped up in his marriage and that limits where your relationship should go, so you think it's better to end it. He may 'not want to' but it's not just his decision. Enforce your boundaries and see if he decides he can step up and offer you something real, or not.

PurpleDaisies · 28/03/2018 23:07

You need a serious conversation about why he hasn’t started divorce proceedings.

PurpleDaisies · 28/03/2018 23:08

Cross posted with buttery-what she says is better.

Original poster

flowerfairs · 28/03/2018 23:08

Thanks. I understood that you had to wait two years to get divorced?

OP posts:

Nestofvipers · 28/03/2018 23:09

When the affairee is attached
By this I mean attached to the “separated” man and not attached as in another relationship.

It's also confusing as he doesn't seem to want me to go. that’s called him wanting to have his cake and eat it.

No he's not started the process of divorce. AKA he’s still married and not separated.

Viviennemary · 28/03/2018 23:11

How separated is he. I think it's a red flag that he can't see you very often. He doesn't sound very separated to me. I think you've a right to know what the set up is with his wife before you carry on dating him. Are they still living together. If not have you been to his place. More questions than answers I'd say. Tread carefully.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 28/03/2018 23:12

Have you stayed at his place?

How far away from the studio flat (if he has one) does his wife live?

Original poster

flowerfairs · 28/03/2018 23:25

His wife lives 60 miles from the studio flat and a long way from me. So yes, he could easily have his cake and eat it

OP posts:

Pinkroses123 · 28/03/2018 23:30

Does he say if he’s wife has moved on? If she’s in a relationship it would tell you something about their situation. How old are his children?

PurpleDaisies · 28/03/2018 23:31

Does he say if he’s wife has moved on?

If he can be trusted to tell the truth...

DrFoxtrot · 28/03/2018 23:41

Separated men can be difficult to date and if you’re not getting the feeling of moving forward in a relationship then I’d walk away now.

I’ve been there OP and the danger is that you’ll be the distraction he needs while ending his marriage/ sorting his life out. And then when you’ve helped him get over the marriage ending, you’ll be dumped and he’ll move on with a new girlfriend. This has happened to me twice and I ignored the signs both times. Don’t waste your time on someone unavailable in the hope it will change.

Original poster

flowerfairs · 28/03/2018 23:54

Drfoxtrot sorry to hear that. Why did they move on if you don't mind me asking? Did they want another fresh start?

The children are 8 and 4. I doubt his wife has moved on but I haven't asked.

OP posts:

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