Dating a separated man -please advise!

[flowerfairs]

I've been 'seeing' a separated man for a couple of months. He's lovely, kind, caring, romantic....we seem to have great chemistry.

Now the tricky bit...he's not very available. He has cancelled several dates on the day due to 'work commitments'. He's got children so perhaps it's actually family commitments but he's not saying. He's very sweet and romantic by text and phone, but we're not really getting beyond dating iykwim. He hasn't wanted to sleep with me yet but loves kissing and cuddling. We see each other every couple of weeks, as we both have children and live an hour from each other. I don't really know what to do, I'm falling for him but I fear he is still wrapped up in his marriage. When I've suggested ending it he doesn't want to.

No, don’t contact him again. You’ve ended it, and he accepted everything you said. Just leave it be now.

Thanks, I'll leave it be then. If he has strong feelings for me then I guess he will contact in due course. The whole thing has left me feeling really confused.

I reckon he was probably just using his commuter flat as a base from which to start an affair, for what it's worth. I imagine he wouldn't have moved sixty miles away from his kids if he were actually splitting up with his wife. The work excuse is probably what his wife gets too.

A man will move mountains to be with a woman he desires, I’m sure he liked you there’s no doubt about that, but if the separation is fairly recent, then it’s a no go (IMO).

You’ve done the right thing OP, his ‘sweet and romantic’ gestures were keeping you available, pat on the back for having the courage to end it, it’s hard when you’ve fallen for them isn’t it?

That makes sense, if a man really wants you he will make sure he has got time to see you. Also my suggestion to end it could have been countered by him, if he really wanted to give it a go. You're right, it really hurts.

OP the point I was trying to make is that some posts are almost as if they know exactly what is going on and exactly what you should do when they can't possibly know all the facts - I do think these are mainly based on that posters own experience.

With the greatest respect to these posters there are an awful lot of people in the UK and for every bad experience there must be others who have been in your situation and it has worked out - I don't think you tend to see so many of these 'positive' outcomes though only the negative ones which is the nature of the board.

If you have doubts and read a lot of posts that re-inforce these doubts before you know it you're thinking "whoah I know exactly what is going on now the people of MN have told me!" (I think this is referred to as confirmation bias). It's hard to remain objective if you don't get the opposing posts.

I've re-read your posts and there seem to be a lot of very positive things, the main negative being his lack of availability which you've been reluctant to quiz him on? Taking these positives and your gut instinct (surprisingly reliable strangely!) you should decide whether it's worth pursuing.

I don't know exactly what he's told you but living 60 miles from his wife in a rented studio and being on OLD does sound pretty separated to me - however maybe he is hoping to reconcile with his wife, maybe the divorce is taking a long time to come through who knows unless you talk to him about it.

I don't know what age group you are but there are lots of posts about how hard it is to meet someone decent later on in life. It seems a shame to throw this away before having tried to find out all the facts. Depending on how you ended it he may come back when he's ready but equally he may think, well she's not interested and it was never meant to be and move on (men can think like this too!)

The one single bit of advice I've picked up from reading this board is to try and communicate. It is hard, and sometimes the other person won't give you all the facts, but if you're open and honest and lay your cards on the table , you could even give the conditions you would like ("I'm interested but not until you're divorced") imo that's a better approach than drawing conclusions from anonymous people speculating on a forum. Good luck!

To me reading this. I’d suspect he was still married in a sense the separation is what he’s told you. I’d bet comfortably that’s his commuter flat and he was lining you up to be OW.

Masterbuilders - the OP has said she hasn't asked him about the separation and has been reluctant to quiz him on his availability.

What are you basing your suspicions on, have you been through similar? You've only heard one side, and don't know all the facts so why the leap to assume the worst?

I don't know the truth either, what I think the OP needs to do is talk to him and try and find out the truth, set some conditions whatever - maybe he's completely genuine, maybe he's not but making a big decision based on what people are posting on here doesn't seem the right approach to me.

He is in no way available to you. You should talk to him and if it can't be resolved you should wish him well and move on.

I’ve no experience. However I’ve seen similar with colleagues. So I’m not bitter or basing my experience on some wrong I’ve suffered if that’s what you’re getting at TalkingIsBest

She posted on a forum asking for various opinions, they won’t all be along your lines. That doesn’t mean you can start trying to moderate who says what. Until someone makes you admin, you have no business suggesting when people can or can’t comment and then going on to make wild presumtions it maybe because I’ve personally experienced the situation.

Take your own advice.

Talkingisbest, I can't speak for the other posters, but I am using Occam's razor, i.e. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck. I have no personal experience of situations like this and have simply drawn what I see as the most likely conclusion based on the presented facts. I don't think anyone is saying their own conclusion is certainly what is happening to the exclusion of all other possibilities, simply that they feel it is most likely and giving what they would do in the OP's situation. Advice is generally given through the prism of someone else's point of view and experiences.

As stated in 'The sunscreen song' -
Be careful whose advice you buy,
But be patient with those who supply it
Advice is a form of nostalgia
dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off
painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth

The OP asked for advice and got it from numerous posters. I don't know how helpful it is for you to disparage the advice of other posters (and write said posters off as bitter) simply because their advice is not the same as yours.

I disagree with pp saying he’s still living as man and wife, I believe he is separated physically but certainly not emotionally.

People generally need a real break between relationships to ‘heal’, very easy to get swept off your feet.

I’m a firm believer in what will be will be, and if it’s meant to be it will..

Masterbuilders - I'm not stopping anyone giving their opinion. What I'm trying to do is give the OP some constructive advice rather than 'it looks bad to me OP, assume the worst' which seems to be the 'advice' the OP is getting.

Having been through a tough time myself, and read a lot of MN I'm trying to encourage the OP to think carefully before making a big decision based on what people post on here.

Surely helpful advice to the OP would be to talk to him - at least quiz him on his lack of availability which she has admitted she is reluctant to do. Talk to him about his separation, another thing the OP has said she hasn't really done. What line of work is he in - is he a doctor on call and has to cancel dates at short notice which would be understable or does he sweep the roads in which case not.

He may well be playing her along but there are things the OP could do to be more certain of this, rather than making a big decision based on what people have posted here.

Ahh so it’s you that’s projecting. Not other people. Glad you cleared that one up.

I agree with Talking

Posts here tend to be biased and as if posters know the man (here) in question.

Fact: you can't start a divorce until you have been apart for 2 years unless there is UB or an affair that one party admits to.

I'd want to see his 'studio' and be sure he was living there full time and it wasn't a convenient commuter pad or whatever.

I've been on both sides of this: I dated a separated man for 9 months. He lived long distance so I never saw his home. We didn't DTD either. Turned out his wife- who had left him- came back while we were dating. I found out almost by accident. He stayed with her.

On the other side of the coin, I separated from my DH , although for financial reasons we were living in the same house. I started seeing two other men (not at the same time!) - both of them divorced - who were friends and it was verging on more. Each of them ended it because they felt I had a long way to go emotionally, having walked that path themselves after their divorces. I was very upset, and maybe they didn't care for me that much anyway. But this shows it from a woman's side.

OP you need to make up your own mind, your gut feeling, not listen to anyone else. Having said that I'd have played detective and at least visited his studio (if you hadn't already.)

Ok I don’t understand what you’re on about ‘projecting’ now, I’ve tried to be as clear as possible. I’m suggesting the OP talks to him first rather than relying on what has been posted on here - do you think its worth the OP doing this bearing in mind all the positive things she has said or are you convincd the bloke is just playing her along and she was right to call it quits now?

Thanks again. I've seen his studio flat but it's tiny so never stayed (single bed). At the weekend he stays in the family home and in the past he's said his wife stays with her sister. He's on social media as 'single' so presumably his wife must have seen.

He hasn't been in contact again but it's only been a couple of days. If he doesn't contact me again I guess there's my answer, I'd be surprised if a man who clearly shared a lot of physical attraction and fondness for someone never contacted again when the only reason it ended was 'availability'. I was hardly demanding, just wanted to see him once a week and not have every third date cancelled.

What a shame as I really like him.

I'm trying to encourage the OP to think carefully before making a big decision

Dumping someone you’ve been on a few dates with and haven’t yet shagged is hardly a ‘big decision’!

Fact: you can't start a divorce until you have been apart for 2 years unless there is UB

Th beat for unreasonable behaviour is set pretty low and is deemed to be whatever the individual find unreasonable. So fact: you can start a divorce whenever you want after the first year of marriage.

I was hardly demanding, just wanted to see him once a week and not have every third date cancelled.

If you weren't even getting this level of 'dates' clearly he's not that into you anyway. Good that you took control. If he decides he does want to be with you in a proper relationship, he will be in touch.

Smiley Tbh it has felt like a big deal to me due to the amount of very romantic messages and sometimes calls and dates have become increasingly intense with him talking about being in love. Which is why I'm now wondering whether I was right to suggest ending it and whether he will be in contact again. I'm hoping if he did feel something for me then maybe he will contact me sometime.

I feel like he's keeping me at arms length tbh but at the same time he makes very romantic and 'in love' declarations to me.

Take these romantic declarations with a pinch of salt. He is only able to make them freely because he has an immediate get-out-of-jail-free card i.e. he is still married. It is completely risk free for him to do so. If he were single and available, he would take the risk you would start to clamour for more commitment. That won't be the case here so he can string you along with empty words because that is really all he is prepared to offer and hope you accept them as the crumbs from the table they are.

All this in hindsight now. If he does not contact you again, I am afraid he is not prepared to fight for you. It is harsh but you got a lucky escape. He did not succeed in stealing the real thing of value to you, your time and self-worth.

He goes to the family home at the weekend and he says his wife stays with his sister?

I would literally bet that this is a commuter flat and he goes home. As I said before. However home to his wife as well as the family home.

It isn’t his full time place of residence. Some people may want to fluff out a very short relationship with someone who is unavailable as a huge major decision.

Or we can just call a spade a spade. A man who is unavailabe, married, lives in a small flat 60 miles from the family home during the week, goes to the family home at weekends. Is very much married and not separated.

Surely it’s blindingly obvious? FWIW you can edit your marriage status to show to anyone or just one person. So his wife may not see his Facebook. My husband doesn’t even have FB and my marriage status isn’t on it. If it was I could hide it to everyone but one person if I so wished.

Th beat [bar?]for unreasonable behaviour is set pretty low and is deemed to be whatever the individual find unreasonable. So fact: you can start a divorce whenever you want after the first year of marriage.

The bar is set low but you do have to keep records going back no further than 6 months. If this guy is separated it may be very hard to account now for UB (or for his wife to do that.) You can get away with quite a lot for UB but it can't be ridiculous.

You can start a divorce after a year of marriage yes, but you still have to abide by the rules before the divorce - so that still means 2 years apart, or UB, or adultery.

flower please don’t think you’ve made a mistake in ending it, if he truly wants you then he will pursue you, if he doesn’t he’s not worth having.

Don’t chase him, that’s just about the worse thing you can do. Keep yourself busy and delete everything about him, he’ll still have your number..