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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating a separated man -please advise!

86 replies

flowerfairs · 28/03/2018 22:01

I've been 'seeing' a separated man for a couple of months. He's lovely, kind, caring, romantic....we seem to have great chemistry.

Now the tricky bit...he's not very available. He has cancelled several dates on the day due to 'work commitments'. He's got children so perhaps it's actually family commitments but he's not saying. He's very sweet and romantic by text and phone, but we're not really getting beyond dating iykwim. He hasn't wanted to sleep with me yet but loves kissing and cuddling. We see each other every couple of weeks, as we both have children and live an hour from each other. I don't really know what to do, I'm falling for him but I fear he is still wrapped up in his marriage. When I've suggested ending it he doesn't want to.

OP posts:

DrFoxtrot · 29/03/2018 00:05

The pattern I have identified is that firstly it’s difficult for them to make time for me, things come up to do with the kids etc that take his time. Then I start being more flexible as I really like him, saying it’s ok I understand it’s a hard time for you. Then along the way they lose respect for me, see me more as a shoulder to cry on/ for support. Then another random woman comes along who takes their interest and they move on.

I have been the stand in girlfriend who has helped them through the difficult in-between period after separating.

I’m sure this isn’t the case for all separated men but I won’t ever be hanging around again to find out. At the first sign of them not being committed to me, I’m out. I’m kicking myself that I allowed it to happen a second time.

DrFoxtrot · 29/03/2018 00:07

I can identify with both relationships that were like this, the exact moment I should have called it quits.

Both of them involved the men being upset about something the XW had done, but more upset than they should have been if they weren’t still attached to the XW, if you see what I mean.

DrFoxtrot · 29/03/2018 00:12

It sounds like you are fulfilling a current need for him, an emotional crutch by text and phone and the cuddling when you see him. If he doesn’t seem committed or moving forwards after a few months, I would worry that you are simply the emotional crutch for him

MistressDeeCee · 29/03/2018 00:17

If he wanted to be available, he would. It isn't wise at all to put all your eggs in one basket. Anyone can do romantic utterings. Actions speak louder than words. But words can keep you hanging on, and before you know it youre settling for crumbs of time in between texts. That's not a relationship. You live just 1 hour apart so if say he left home at 2pm he'd be with you by 3pm. When a man wants you, he'll do the (not long) journey. Rather than analyse and become attached to flowery words, your best bet would be to date others alongside him.

BubblingUp · 29/03/2018 02:27

This is the reality of dating a married man. They aren't available. The fact he won't have PIV sex means he is still very married and intimately involved with this wife. Many men don't think they have cheated until their penis enters the vagina of a woman not their wife. Anything up to that is not cheating, so they aren't doing anything wrong.

Does his wife know he has a flat?

Weezol · 29/03/2018 03:17

If he's really seperated (which I doubt) it has only been for a couple of months. I would cut your losses, he's clearly nowhere near ready for a relationship.

lifebegins50 · 29/03/2018 03:26

Be careful as you are in danger of falling for his image, how he is projecting himself, not the real man.

You really don't know him and don't feel comfortable to quiz him on his marriage yet feel you are falling for him.I think you might need to be more cynical.

If you are an honest person its hard to understand why another person could be lying, but that seems most likely answer.

Your instincts are kicking in so don't ignore them.

Original poster

flowerfairs · 29/03/2018 11:06

Thank you all! I decided to end it with him, which I'm sad about but he can't really nice things further I think. I don't suppose I'll ever know for sure what was happening but I'd like someone where things can develop.

OP posts:

Treacletoots · 29/03/2018 11:13

Sorry to hear this but I think you've done the right thing OP. You should always, always, judge people by what they DO not by what they SAY. It sounds to me as if he's just not in the place right now to commit. Leaving a long term relationship can take time to get your head around and you don't want to be the stand in girlfriend whilst he sorts this out. Maybe in time you can reconnect but for now put yourself first. He's clearly unable (or unwilling) to do this right now. Good luck. P.s. you don't need 2 years separation to get divorced. Just some grounds of unreasonable behaviour, which can be as wishy washy as not using a washing powder they prefer (really!)

DrFoxtrot · 29/03/2018 11:44

Well done OP, you’ve trusted your instincts and taken control. There might be a reconnection at a later date but don’t hang around. You’ve shown him that you value yourself and that this relationship was not meeting your standards.

Original poster

flowerfairs · 29/03/2018 12:00

Thanks both. Dr your experiences really hit home. I would also be very kind and understanding with him and I'm sure in time his respect for me would fade. If for some reason I'm wrong then he could contact me with an explanation and rectify things but I think that's unlikely.

OP posts:

TheStoic · 29/03/2018 12:02

I was about to say...slow down. But you’ve already ended it, which will probably be for the best.

You’ve been seeing him for what, 8-10 weeks or so? If someone I didn’t even know existed 3 months ago started asking me when I was going to divorce the father of my kids, I would run a mile.

DrFoxtrot · 29/03/2018 12:07

The cancelling dates at very short notice and no sex does not sound to me like an available man looking for a proper relationship though, even after a couple of months. I think you’ve done the right thing OP.

rocketgirl22 · 29/03/2018 12:08

You sound like a lovely person, and I can't help but feel you are going to get very hurt.

He does not sound like he is separated or divorced to me. I am sorry to tell you but this has all the hallmarks of someone 'lining' up an alternative if his marriage is on the rocks or simply enjoying an emotional relationship. Giving you haven't slept together this is reinforcing this idea for me.

I would have huge flags if I were you.

Not divorced
Not available
Cancelling at the last minute
Not talking about his life/plans/divorce

I would tell him you would like to cool things off until he is properly divorced, don't allow a man to string you a long like this.
If it is meant to be, he will divorce his wife and you will have a relationship that is meaningful and honest.

This whole thing just stinks as it stands.

rocketgirl22 · 29/03/2018 12:12

Well done op, your self respect has saved the day!

Wishing you the best for future loves and relationships. I hope someone comes along and sweeps you off your feet! Have fun and look out for the hobbling men needing crutches!!

SendintheArdwolves · 29/03/2018 16:01

I was logging on to say "this man is married. He is trying to make you fall for him so that, when you do find out that he is still with his wife, you will be too emotionally attached to him to break things off. Run away now"

.... But I see that you have already done that! Bravo, op - you are strong and smart and can trust your instincts. I'm sure you will soon find a much better, more available man and he will be lucky to have you. And if any more married rotters looking for a side piece cross your path, you will spot them straight away :)

Original poster

flowerfairs · 29/03/2018 16:35

Thanks well after I messaged him a kind, sweet mail this morning saying how I felt he wasn't in the right place for a relationship as he had too many pressures, but I wished him happiness, he responded this afternoon saying it hurts but he understands and I deserve someone who can give more. My heart is really gutted, this is a man who has been so sweet and romantic. But my head says if he really felt strong feelings towards me then he would have responded saying he would find the time etc? I have to keep telling myself it wasn't me who stopped it working

I don't know if he's likely to be in contact in coming days/weeks? I've never fallen for a man like this so I don't know the form

OP posts:

DrFoxtrot · 29/03/2018 17:54

You are right, if his head was in the right place for a relationship and you were right for him, he would be stepping up. Or very likely you wouldn’t have needed to end it at all. He may or may not be in contact but don’t wait and try not to spend too much time pining for him.

The good thing about me having been through similar twice (and two other 6m short relationships) is that I know I will find someone else. There is always someone else, you’ll find that chemistry again, hopefully with someone emotional available.

Original poster

flowerfairs · 29/03/2018 18:04

Thanks Dr what you say makes sense. I still feel sick but I need to focus on my life now.

OP posts:

TalkingIsBest · 29/03/2018 19:59

OP I would be wary of some of the advice given on this board. I do think some of it is useful, but also some of the people giving advice are given it from their previous (bad) experience.

As a DH the best advice I would give is to have an honest discussion with your potential DP/DH - you only usually hear one side of the story on this board, and the number of people who make a leap to LTB/you're his bit on the side/ etc, etc always amazes me, and I imagine a lot of this is driven by those posters previous (bad) experience(s).

To end a potential relationship with someone you have a lot of good feelings about based on what some anonymous people on the internet have said seems a bit bonkers. Maybe he is playing you along, but maybe he's going through a tough time and given enough time everything will work out for the good.

There's often an undercurrent of interpreting any male's behaviour in the worst possible way on here - he's cancelled at short notice - maybe his children are sick, or there's some other kind of emergency but I wouldn't always assume the worst case. If he seems genuinely nice and honest talk to him about it!

As I said I think there is some good advice on here, but also lots that's wrong imo and driven from people in a bad place. Good luck, I hope it works out for you!

NewYear2019 · 29/03/2018 23:22

Talking I've already ended it with him do you think it's worth me trying to chat to him or would you assume that as he's agreed after i ended it with him that he doesn't really have time to see me then I should just leave it? If he was really into me he would have tried to persuade me to keep seeing him? I was kind not angry

SmileyBird · 30/03/2018 00:18

do you think it's worth me trying to chat to him

NO!

I wouldn’t want to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with me.

DrFoxtrot · 30/03/2018 00:45

I think your instincts were correct OP but I’ve obviously contributed more than others to the thread with my ‘bad’ experiences

I recognised elements of you being the emotional crutch/ stand in girlfriend. Waiting to see if things improve is soul destroying. How long should you wait? Keep busy, date others and if he wants he will come back when he’s ready. You may have met someone properly available by then .

mm2one · 30/03/2018 02:06

Hi OP. I am a married man. How long has this guy been "separated" exactly? Does he live in his own place? Does he still live in the family house with the wife and kids?

Married men who are "separated" or going through a separation are not dating or relationship material. He is going to be going through a whole lot of shit and bullshit in his life before he is officially divorced -- if that ever even happens. Married men tend to naturally drift back towards their ex-wives and children and back into their marriages. Sorry, but thats the truth.

mm2one · 30/03/2018 02:09

I meant to add " He is going to be going through a whole lot of shit and bullshit in his life before he is officially divorced"

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