Dating a separated man -please advise!

[flowerfairs]

I've been 'seeing' a separated man for a couple of months. He's lovely, kind, caring, romantic....we seem to have great chemistry.

Now the tricky bit...he's not very available. He has cancelled several dates on the day due to 'work commitments'. He's got children so perhaps it's actually family commitments but he's not saying. He's very sweet and romantic by text and phone, but we're not really getting beyond dating iykwim. He hasn't wanted to sleep with me yet but loves kissing and cuddling. We see each other every couple of weeks, as we both have children and live an hour from each other. I don't really know what to do, I'm falling for him but I fear he is still wrapped up in his marriage. When I've suggested ending it he doesn't want to.

I did similar to this... thought he was getting divorced, he lived away from his kids etc

Had the sweet talk, besotted feeling from him...

Long story short - heartbreak for me. And no he hadn't emotionally moved on from the wife. Don't go there!!!

Most pp seem to be assuming he was either still with his wife or still emotionally attached.

I look at the willingness to cuddle and kiss but not progress beyond that as more likely to be down to ED or some sort of performance anxiety.

Feel free not to answer, OP, but did you see any ahem “evidence” that he was ok in that department? I think most guys who just want a shag / affair would have jumped at the opportunity to make it physical and not have invested so much in the emotional stuff.

if he truly wants you then he will pursue you

This sounds logical but I dont think will always be true - depending on your persoanlity (e.g if you’re shy/introverted) and have been told categorically its over you may just accept it.

If the door has been left open he may try again, but even then he may not want to risk it and get rejected.

(Ive got a friend a bit like this , he thinks someone is interested and they’ve had some back and fore contact and even though hes interested hes left the ball in her court to make the next move - so they both now probably think neither is interested in each other !)

OP if you are still reading...
I don't think it's as simple as if he cares for you he will move mountains and come back to you. That's all a bit Mills&Boon tbh. It's a great romantic notion but RL doesn't always work like that.
Maybe if you'd been dating longer, had slept together, etc...but it was at a very early stage.

He clearly isn't using you for sex, so all the cake and eat it comments are meaningless. He may have been having an emotional affair and putting you on a pedestal which is easily done especially if he's not really in a position to move things on.

I'd ignore the comments about his flat being for a commute; YOU know what work he does, not us. YOU know if it looks like a place he shacks up in Mon-Friday. YOU know if his wife is around at weekends when he sees his kids. (Or you should.)

The thing is, you say you've been dating for a couple of months and see him every 2 weeks or so. That must been you have only met 4 times (maybe a bit more?)

You have to admit this is nothing by anyone's standards.

I think if you really want to see him again you have to make contact. Forget this rather silly schoolgirl scenario where he is going to chase you and arrive on his white horse and sweep you away.

If you think there is mileage in it, contact him. Tell him you were hasty in your decision. But also say you need to talk. Talk properly. Ask about where his wife is. Ask how long he's been in his flat and when they are going to start proceedings. For all you know this could be a trial separation just to give them some space.

You need to talk to HIM but at the same time understand he has a long way to go before he can be really 'yours'.

Why would you ignore the comments about the flat being a commute? If you read the thread op herself has confirmed this is exactly what it is.

A tiny flat that can only fit a single bed. He returns to the family home on weekends. What’s the issue of stating the obvious on this thread? People telling others to ignore comments and facts, even when op confirms it?

She has fully confirmed it’s a tiny Monday to Friday flat and he goes to the family home on weekends. It’s a commuter flat. It’s not difficult.

Rosa these are my thougts too (I like the Mills&Boon ref, i agree life is more complex!)

OP if youre serious about him and you think he is serious about you have an adult conversation.

He should have no problem answering any ‘awkward’ questions about his separation , divorce, if he dodges these questions i would be concerned.

Assuming he answers them you could even contact his wife, if he’s getting divorced and serious about getting together with you i cant see why he would object to this.

I still think there are lots of options available to you to either confirm or allay your concerns , don’t make leaps based on false logic, or what people have posted on here. It’s only in your hands really.

How recently has he been separated? Personally I would not date anyone who had not been through the divorce process and come out the other side and then some. I would also be questioning someones motives who was moving on so quickly and why they were divorcing in the first place. Best to move on or at least date other people as well and keep your options open.

Why would you ignore the comments about the flat being a commute? If you read the thread op herself has confirmed this is exactly what it is.

Because the meaning of a 'commuter flat' (or a pied a terre) is that it's somewhere someone lives during the week as it's near their work (ie they COMMUTE to work from it to save time and fares.)

It's obvious that it has a single bed as it's a studio flat and he can't afford anything more at this stage.

Of course he goes home at weekends- it's to see his children. Like millions of other parents who live apart.

I had a boyfriend years ago who was divorced - properly. He lived in a shared house in a grotty room with a mattress on the floor. It was all he could afford. He was supporting his ex wife and son who he went to stay with every weekend in what had been his home.. He'd been divorced for a while and he and his ex were on amicable terms.

Surely you can't be quibbling that someone who is separated goes to see their children at weekends- and in the family home?

All of this is speculation. The OP needs a proper conversation . But if he's only been seeing her for 2 months and a handful of meetings, and no sex, but declarations of love, he sounds infatuated if nothing else.

FLowers, single bed studio 60 miles away from his wife sounds like a commute flat of a married man.

It’s kind of so obvious I’m not sure why people are so adamant in saying it’s not. It’s totally bizarre. Paragraphs and paragraphs of trying to explain it away. As someone said Occam's Razor is quite often the way. People should look it up!

Masterbuilders you may well be right, what people including me are saying is that there are things the OP could do to confirm this.

If you are right it does sound slightly odd for him to have gone to all this trouble to get some cuddles. Anyway good luck OP i hope you find out whats actually going on!