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Original poster

Anyone else the result of a "tricked" conception?

79 replies

cheeseismydownfall · 27/03/2018 22:29

There have been a few threads on here recently where the idea or suggestion of "tricking" a guy into conceiving (by tampering with contraception etc) has come up. The overwhelming response to this is always an emphatic NO, often expressed in very strong language. I understand this of course.

But here's the thing. I know for a fact (she told me) that my mother tricked my father in to conceiving me. They had an appalling relationship and god knows what she was thinking, but she wanted one more child and she knew my father didn't.

They split up when I was young and my father wasn't very involved, but he supported us financially and never treated me any differently to my siblings. As an adult we aren't close in a classic father-daughter way, but I am glad he is in my life and I think he would say the same. I have no idea if he knows the circumstances around my conception or if he genuinely thinks it was an accident.

I don't know why I'm posting this really, I guess it just makes me feel odd when posters are so vehemently opposed to deceiving someone about conception. As I said, I do get it, and I wouldn't recommend anyone to do it.... but.

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 27/03/2018 22:31

I would say it is possible to love a child ans be a parent whilst thinking the individual doing the tricking is a hideously dishonest person with a limited moral compass

kathrynelizabeth3005 · 27/03/2018 22:36

Yes! This is something I have never really spoken about in real life but I found out when I was 16 that my mum "tricked" my dad into having me. He already had a son from a previous marriage and my mum was desperate for a baby. She said she was on the pill.

They went on to have my brother and sister 2.5 years later (by this stage mum and dad both wanted me to have a sibling to grow up with and they got twins lol)

My relationship with my dad has always been difficult and I put it down to him not wanting another child but me coming along anyway. Plus it has affected me in a strange way I can't really put into words... I have struggled with my mental health since the age of 12, and finding that out at 16 didn't do me any favours!

Now being 28 and having a child myself who was very much wanted by me and DH, I could never ever trick someone into getting me pregnant.

TatianaLarina · 27/03/2018 22:39

I’m glad you’re here OP, so it does have upsides.

Kathryn - was that something your mother told you or your father?

kathrynelizabeth3005 · 27/03/2018 22:45

Tatiana, it was my mum that told me. We have only spoken about it a handful of times since. I can't even remember the circumstances in which it was originally brought up in conversation.

Not sure my dad knows I know actually.

NotTheFordType · 28/03/2018 00:11

My younger sister is a result of my mum skipping her contraceptive pill for two days. She did it on purpose but told our dad it was a mistake.

Several times throughout our childhood he would get angry with my sister and shout "I never wanted you anyway, you were a mistake!" (Lovely man 😒)

The first time this happened our mum spoke to us (after he'd stormed out) and explained that she deliberately skipped her pill. (Lovely woman 😒)

Neither of us have spoken to him in going on for 30 years, and we no longer have contact with her either for about 3 years. Not directly due to that, but it's certainly one of the factors .

MelanieSmooter · 28/03/2018 00:14

I’m sorry but I just want to say I don’t believe in ‘tricked’ conception. Men are perfectly capable of using condoms, ergo, taking their own responsibility for their lack of desire for fatherhood.

luelle · 28/03/2018 00:17

My mum lied to my dad about being on contraception with all of us 3 kids and 2 other pregnancies that were stillborn. They were bankrupt and dad didn't think it fair to bring kids into the world, a sensible thought but we all survived and dad is so thankful for us all. I remember living off jam sandwiches for far too many years as they had no money for anything else but were all happy we are here.

Serial123 · 28/03/2018 00:24

I think if you do it it's not very fair to then tell your children how they were conceived.

Angelf1sh · 28/03/2018 06:15

I don’t think anyone on those threads is blaming the children though or saying it would be better if they hadn’t been born, just saying it’s any immensely selfish thing to do but the parent-to-be in question. It’s also potentially illegal depending on the circumstances (eg surreptitious removal of a condom if sex was explicitly only consented to with a condom). I agree with the PPs who’ve said it’s wrong for either parent to then tell the child about it, it’s not the child’s fault.

MaisyPops · 28/03/2018 06:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CalibriCalibri · 28/03/2018 07:50

Expressed rather extremely Maisypops but yes, in a long term relationship if either party doesn't trust the other around contraception then it's a pretty dysfunctional relationship (even if they're right not to).

ALittleBitConfused1 · 28/03/2018 07:50

You can't trick a man into having a baby.
What a load of bollox of course you can.
Or if your husband wants a baby but you don't and the agreement is condoms, what if he decides to ignore your wishes and remove said condom without your knowledge. Would it be your fault you end up pregnant for not being on the pill too (this is illegal btw and rightly so).
If you're in a LTR and have both decided that the pill is the contraception of choice of course it is tricking a man to remove contraception without their knowledge.
Surely these things are meant to be discussed.
I get that a man has responsibilties too and in a casual affair he should always wear condoms but if you are in a monogamous relationship (where std's etc aren't a factor) then a lot of couples decide on the pill or implant because well let's face it condoms are a pain in the arse and can hinder sexual pleasure in the heat of the moment. Also the pill is 99%effective if taken correctly so Prob ably a much safer choice all round.
I personally think to trick someone (that is 100% the right description in this scenario) is despicable.
I'm shocked that women actually pull this shit or think it's ok to.
It's selfish, immoral and downright irresponsible.
I have seen the threads the op is referring to and quite frankly it makes me realise 2 things.

I'm glad I'm not a man
how many women there are prepared to treat men like shit just to get something they want And we wonder why we have to fight for respect even now.

AngelsSins · 28/03/2018 12:28

If bitches want a baby then they can sabotage contraception and deliberately lie and deceive their partner/husband it's fine because they get their baby so the man should have done more.

Bitches?! Wow, nice language there and let me point out this works both ways, men sabotage contraception too, google it if you don't believe me.

TatianaLarina · 28/03/2018 12:34

If bitches want a baby

Wtaf?

TatianaLarina · 28/03/2018 12:37

Xpost with Angel - quite.

Men who refuse to wear condoms, poke holes in condoms, who swear they’ll withdraw but don’t etc. Quite apart from men who plan for a baby and then decide they don’t want it and/or bugger off.

MaisyPops · 28/03/2018 15:35

Bitches?! Wow, nice language there and let me point out this works both ways, men sabotage contraception too, google it if you don't believe me
They are bitches.
Women who intentionally sabitage contraception are manipulative bitches.

They are intentionally lying and deceiving their partner in order to bring a life into the world.

I have zero respect for people who would stoop that low (and can't believe how many people think a woman is excused because it's the man's fault that the woman is a compulsive liar).

Sure, some men do sabotage contraception. And I would think they are manipulative dickheads too. (Though I'm not surr how that is relevant to my judgement of women who decide to deceive in order to get the baby they want)

The fact some men also choose to be vindictive liars doesn't excuse women doing the same thing. They don't get a free pass for being a woman.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 28/03/2018 15:51

Maisy I agree and my comment was also based on women who deceive in this way, in response to a pp who disagreed that men can be victims of 'tricked into parenthood'.
Also the op was referring to her mum who had done this to her dad.
The thread that was mentioned in the op was also posted by a woman who was advised to trick her 'non compliant' husband into having another child
Anyone who deceives a partner in this manner, hoping it will end in a unagreed pregnancy is despicable in my opinion, be them male or female.

EventNotINData · 28/03/2018 15:55

I think judging whether someone should have conceived a child after the fact is always messy.

If you ask whether you should deceive a man or woman into parenthood against their will then that’s always wrong (far worse for a woman who has imposed pregnancy as well as parenthood). If you ask “should I have a baby with this dangerous selfish substance abusing man?” “Should I have a baby although my own mental health is highly fragile and I may spend much of its babyhood sectioned?” “Should I have a baby although I have no financial means of support at all and it will mean me losing my job and having to move into precarious overcrowded hostel accommodation with all my previous children?”

We’d have no hesitation in saying “absolutely not” to all those questions even though there are a lot of people out there who’ve been born into similar circumstances, who may have suffered in their childhood but would emphatically not rather not have been born. “I’d rather never have been born” is a desperately low barrier - if we were working off that then the population of the earth would be about fifty billion.

EveningShadows · 28/03/2018 15:59

An ex-friend of mine did this to her dh - he expressly told her he didn't want anymore kids (had a DD from a previous relationship who was almost an adult) and she agreed and then didn't take any contraception. He was devastated when she told him she was pg but he stuck with her cos he's a decent guy.

A vile thing for her to do - unforgiveable. As a mother of DSs, I know I would be so angry if it happened to either of them.

MaisyPops · 28/03/2018 16:08

Anyone who deceives a partner in this manner, hoping it will end in a unagreed pregnancy is despicable in my opinion, be them male or female.
This.
It is a totally and utterly disgusting thing to do.

I can't believe that there are people saying it's ok (or worse that it's the fault/responsibility of the deceived partner).

Ponytastic · 28/03/2018 16:10

Yes my husbands youngest son was a result of his ex-wife coming off the depo injection without telling him. They had many conversations about another child (first child was a teenage pregnancy...) and he said never but she wanted one so...... once they spilt she admitted she had done this.

M0RVEN · 28/03/2018 16:17

My teenaged sons know that every time they ejaculate inside a woman they lose control of the decision as to whether or not they become a father . I’m surprised at how many adult men don’t seem to know this.

AngelsSins · 28/03/2018 16:28

*Sure, some men do sabotage contraception. And I would think they are manipulative dickheads too. (Though I'm not surr how that is relevant to my judgement of women who decide to deceive in order to get the baby they want)

The fact some men also choose to be vindictive liars doesn't excuse women doing the same thing. They don't get a free pass for being a woman.*

It's relevant because you only seem to mention women who do this. There are also men who lie and claim to have been tricked when they clearly weren't. No one gets a free pass, hence me mentioning that men do it to.

If a man doesn't want a child and he knows that his wife does, then it is HIS RESPONSIBILITY to use protection. I can't have sympathy for men who take no responsibility for contraception, and then claim to have been tricked.

If an agreement is in place that she takes the pill, and she lies about that, it's different, BUT if he knows she wants a child then he's still being very cavalier with his choices. The pill can, and does fail after all, so does he just assume that he can insist she go through an unwanted abortion if that were to happen? Not his problem?

WhatIsThisBug · 28/03/2018 16:32

So surely if he was so sure he didn’t want anymore kids and was having regular sex with a woman of childbearing age he should have taken responsibility for his own reproduction and had a vasectomy no?

No sympathy from me.

WhatIsThisBug · 28/03/2018 16:38

I actually think men have it easy.

Don’t want a baby now?

Condoms all the time.

Don’t want a baby ever?

Vasectomy.

Anything else is not being tricked, it’s you not taking responsibility for your own life.

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