Anyone else the result of a "tricked" conception?

[cheeseismydownfall]

There have been a few threads on here recently where the idea or suggestion of "tricking" a guy into conceiving (by tampering with contraception etc) has come up. The overwhelming response to this is always an emphatic NO, often expressed in very strong language. I understand this of course.

But here's the thing. I know for a fact (she told me) that my mother tricked my father in to conceiving me. They had an appalling relationship and god knows what she was thinking, but she wanted one more child and she knew my father didn't.

They split up when I was young and my father wasn't very involved, but he supported us financially and never treated me any differently to my siblings. As an adult we aren't close in a classic father-daughter way, but I am glad he is in my life and I think he would say the same. I have no idea if he knows the circumstances around my conception or if he genuinely thinks it was an accident.

I don't know why I'm posting this really, I guess it just makes me feel odd when posters are so vehemently opposed to deceiving someone about conception. As I said, I do get it, and I wouldn't recommend anyone to do it.... but.

Everyone knows this you cannot be tricked.

Wow, what a stupid view.

I know someone who did the pins in condom trick and others who have forgotten pills and still others who have conceived accidentally-on-purpose.
Many women say men will never be ready and women have to take in into their own hands. I know men like my partner who felt 'tricked' after very clearly consensual unprotected sex with a broody woman though so it's a wide and varied field!

Wow care to take the time to explain why?

It is interesting that so many people on this thread saying how common it is for poor men to get tricked by evil women you would think men would take more care with their own fertility and not leave it all to untrustworthy women!

Dhal

Because if you are in a partnership and one person agrees to take contraception and then stops without telling you then they are tricking you.

It is very simple.

When this comes up on the relationship board in terms of men tricking women, it gets labelled as rape because the woman didn't consent to sex in those circumstances. It's hard to see why the other way round it should be considered any different.

No they are making a choice about their body and what they do with it. As men can do (condoms or vasectomy or don’t have PIV sex).

I just do not see how it is fair for women to be expected to take 100% of the responsibility 100% of the time trying to prevent something that is one of the strongest human urges that I can think of (to reproduce) while men just shrug their shoulders and say well I thought she was on the pill how could I have foreseen this?

It’s ridiculous!

It's relevant because you only seem to mention women who do this

Yeah... because the thread was about WOMEN.

It's hard to see why the other way round it should be considered any different
Because they are women and obviously that makes it totally ok.
A man lying about contraception is a dickhead.
But for a woman, she is just taking ownership of her life and her needs/wants and we should totally respect her right to lie and manipulate and fake contraception. After all she wants a baby.
Trust in a relationship goes one way. A man should trust his woman on everything otherwise he's a gaslighting narcissist but at the same time an agreement between 2 adults on their contraceptive plans should never be trusted at all because the woman is well within her rights to stop using contraception and lie about it.

Obviously, women choosing to lie about contraception aren't manipukative at all. They are making some feminist stance about how unfair it is that they CHOSE to take the pill. It has nothing yi do with them being vindictive to get a baby at all.

while men just shrug their shoulders and say well I thought she was on the pill how could I have foreseen this?
If a man took 'she sais she is on the pill' at face value for a one night stand or a cadual thing then they are an idiot and I would 100% agree.

But when a couple decide how they will prevent a pregnancy and then one party makes a unilateral decision to stop using contraception and lies about it (leaving the other having zero clue they are having unprotected sex), that's manipulative and disgusting. And yet that is what people are defending on here

dhal using your logic, no sympathy for women who catch an STI from
their long term partner.
Women should know there is potential to catch an STI every time she has sex with her bf/dh.
After all men have biological urges to shag as many women as possible.

I have an ex-friend who retrieved a condom from the bin and inserted the contents resulting in her now 1yr old dd

So you can see why my friend disposes of his condoms in the outside bin.

A relationship needs to be built on trust. Women pulling these stunts is out of order.

If a man slipped off the condom secretly and ejaculated in a woman ... he'd be called allsorts from a rapist to an abusive bastard.

Why is it any different when a woman does it?

Only in the world of MN.

I think it's abhorrent if a man is not wearing a condom and the woman is taking the pills and then goes on to skip them; it is as big a violation of trust as if a man said he was wearing a condom and then slipped it off without telling his partner. Both are sexual assaults.

yep, my mother went against medical advice and attempted to salvage her marriage to my father by having me. god only knows how she managed, but i’ve known since i have been old enough to know to anything that i let her down because he left her anyway.

i’m 45 and it’s still so, so humiliating to know that i was a trick and that it’s highly likely my father told her to get rid of me.

i wish she had. i don’t say that to be dramatic. i just wish i had never been.

Yeah... because the thread was about WOMEN

It's actually a thread about 'tricked conception' if you read the title. Which can be done by both genders, as evidenced by the replies.

RidingWindhorses
First example, threads about women planning to trick men.

But as evidenced on this thread, some people think women should be free to lie about contraception just because they're a woman.

Yes, both sexes can tamper with contraception. But anecdotally I know of a couple of what friends consider to be 'surprises' which were probably only surprises to one parent and there's enough threads on MN where women discuss not taking the pill etc. Response from lots is 'well he should have a vasectomy'. Way to blame the man for a nutty, dishonest woman.
Bet we sure as hell wouldn't be blaming a woman for the actions of a man though.

Anyone who lies about contraception to create a life is a total low life and a ridiculous individual. No passes for women.

I waited to have sex until I knew that if I got pregnant I'd want and be able to look after a baby because I wouldn't want to terminate.

I have lots of (female) friends who've had unwanted pregnancies - most have kept them, some have terminated. With sex, there is a risk of pregnancy and it's foolish for anyone to think otherwise. And I don't see how having a child at 26 and being a male could have ruined his life 2boysdad. Don't be so dramatic!!

I just do not see how it is fair for women to be expected to take 100% of the responsibility 100% of the time

Nobody's saying that though. People are saying that when the woman has agreed to take that responsibility within a relationship, stopping without telling her partner is despicable.

Do you seriously not know any relationship where the man takes the responsibility? I know loads. My own parents, for a start, they didn't want more so my dad got the snip.

MrsDesireeCarthorse
Exactly.
We are talking about when 2 people in a relationship discuss and decide contraception and then one unilaterally and dishonestly sabotage it.

If a couple decide female hormonal methods are their method then that's the method. If she no longer wants to continue that method then an open discussion is all that is required. Of course honesty would remove the opportunity for a not a surprise baby.

First example, threads about women planning to trick men.

Again, the thread is actually titled 'Anyone the result of a tricked conception', which is non-gender specific.

The OP's example was her mum, but other posters have detailed the tricker being the male.

There's tricks on both sides.

And as I have already said, anyone who tricks is manipulative.

Just some on here seem to think women get a free pass and try to dress it up and misrepresent such stupid actions a feminist decision to not have to take 100% responsibility for contraception.

When the pill stopped working for me, i decided i wasn't going to do it. And somehow i managed to discuss OUR contraception with DH. No issue.

Some on here aren't advocating discussing changing contraception choices with DPs. They are allowing women to justify devious actions by pretenting it's some 'two fingers to the patriarchy/why should women have to do all the contraception' bullshit when actually it's but i want a baby.

Man pokes holes in condoms because he wants a kid and is fed up with having to wear condoms. People would rightly call him an abusive dickhead who was trying to trap his partner.
Woman comes off pill and doesn't tell partner, conceives a baby. People decide that she's a strong independent woman who don't need no man, and if he dares say anything then he should have had a vasectomy instead.

Men can chose to take care of contraception, or chose not to. No need to put the onus on the woman to take all the responsibility.

Something like tampering with contraception would be a deal breaker for me. But that's because of the level of dishonesty and deceit, not specifically to do with pregnancy risk.

Yes, but if a couple decide that the contraceptive pill is their chosen method, that is not shifting responsibility to the woman any more than a couple deciding to use condoms is placing all the responsibility on the man. It's a decision the couple has made which suits them. Once that decision is made, either party sabotaging because they want a baby ia an issue (for both the lying and the pregnancy reasons).

The entire contraception responsibility thing is a red herring anyway and is just a convenient way for some people on this thread to justify deceit and manipulation by people who want a baby.

Anyone who misrepresents the use/likely effectiveness of chosen contraception with the explicit intent of conceiving a baby, is very wrong to do so imo.

But... in a scenario where a couple have agreed on condoms as the contraceptive and the man removes or pierces the condom, a baby is not the only possible outcome. The man is also exposing the woman to the risk of contracting any STI he may have. IMO, this is worse behaviour than a scenario where the pill is the chosen contraceptive and the woman deliberately skips it, because there the man has already consented to the risk of contracting any STI she may have by choosing not to wear a condom.

To reiterate - both scenarios are wrong in my book.

This men should always wear condoms because women arent to be trusted is an interested argument from so many people....

Of course, its a real passion killer as well. Man putting on condom. Woman - I am on the pill/have IUD etc. you dont need the condom. Man - well women in Mumsnet say I shouldnt trust you about this so lets just keep using the condom shall we....

Depends on your priorities: avoiding passion killing or avoiding pregnancy.

I conceived my eldest son by accident. He was not planned. He is aware of this, as we have no contact at all with his biological father who walked away before he was born. (I didn't trick anyone, but contraception failed) Recently he told me how grateful he was that i had continued to love him and support his, a he was an 'unwanted pregnancy'. He was unplanned, but never unwanted..... telling your kid they are unwanted or the result of a trick is dreadful