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Relationships

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Original poster

Want a baby but husband says no

100 replies

welshmercury · 25/03/2018 18:13

I need to write as there is nobody I can talk to. Today a friend said she was pregnant and I knew she has been trying since Xmas. I was overcome with sadness and have been crying all day. My husband knows I want another baby but I had kept my feelings in check. About 18 months ago he said that I was choosing to break up our family by leaving to find someone else. We have a DS aged 8 who was a pill failure or we wouldn’t have a child. So I made the decision to stay as a family and we got married. I want more children. It is just a primal urge within me. I have never kept it a secret from him. We have been together 18 years. I turn 40 next year so time is running out. I don’t know what to do. So I end my marriage and separate? It will be messy as he would fight me for custody. He is a SAHD too. One of the reasons he doesn’t want a kid is because he would have to be the one to stay at home and look after the baby. I am the main wage earner and he doesn’t work. There is no incentive for him to work so I can stay at home as he doesn’t want another kid. He said we can talk about it when I’m less emotionally charged as I lee crying with a sense of loss. I have suggested we just try as there is no guarantee but at least when we are old and grey I would know that we tried. I have told him it will be one of the biggest regrets of my life if we don’t have another kid. He says I should be happy with what I already have. I know I want a baby and they grow up into stroppy kids who drive me batshit crazy. I genuinely don’t know what to do. But thanks for listening xx

OP posts:

inlectorecumbit · 25/03/2018 18:17

Would it make a difference if he went back to work and you stayed at home with the DC?

AbsolutelyCorking · 25/03/2018 18:18

You cannot have a child if your husband doesn’t want one. The partner who doesn’t want a child always trumps the one who does. It’s really selfish to have a child that is not wanted by both parents. Your craving for a child will pass in time. Sorry you’re going through this.

Crispbutty · 25/03/2018 18:22

Your child is 8 and your husband doesn’t work? Sounds to me like he has a very easy life and doesn’t want that to change.

dirtybadger · 25/03/2018 18:22

Why did he say you were leaving to find someone else 18months ago? Were you?

If he doesnt want a child, then you arent going to have a second child with him. There is no middle ground to be reached. Your options are to stay and accept this (perhaps seek out some talking therapy to help you cope with how you currently feel), or to leave your current child in pursuit of a second one (maybe...).

NewImprovedNinja · 25/03/2018 18:30

If you know you will regret not trying for another baby, leave him and look for another partner.
It does sound like he has a cushy life and doesn't want you to rock the boat.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/03/2018 18:34

He's got you where he wants you, eh?

I would tell him that I plan to have another baby with donor sperm, I'll be taking maternity leave, and am staying put in this house with my first child to raise that baby.

He can stay, leave, or broaden his own horizons by looking for at least part-time work.

Nightshiftmad · 25/03/2018 18:53

Time to find a new man hun, if it's a baby you want you won't have it with him. So I would rock the boat and leave. You've half your life left don't settle for unhappiness for it. Good luck.

AdalindSchade · 25/03/2018 18:57

You're very unlikely to find a new partner and have a baby with them. Sorry but you are. And you'd have to move incredibly quickly which would be extremely unfair on your son. Plus you probably wouldn't end up with main care of him and would be the one living in a flat and paying the mortgage on the family home.
Time to grieve the children you didn't have and give thanks for the one you do then move on. You made the choice to get married and stay a one child family, now you have to accept that choice.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 25/03/2018 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crispbutty · 25/03/2018 18:59

“You're very unlikely to find a new partner and have a baby with them. Sorry but you are. “

She’s 40.. not 50. There’s time.. not lots but there is some.

juneau · 25/03/2018 19:00

Do you want another baby enough to break up your family - with the risk that you may not meet someone else in time/might not get pregnant again even if you do? I know that plenty of women do get pregnant easily at 40+, but there are many that don't and I think in your position I'd be worried that I was throwing away my marriage (and my DC's family), on an off-chance. And you realise that if you split then you may well end up with the one DC you do have for only half (or less) of the time? From where I'm sitting you'd be taking a huge risk by leaving your DH - particularly if you know he'll fight you for custody. How would you feel if you left and never met anyone and then only had your DS for half the time - or worse - one night per week and EOW? That could happen.

GunnyHighway · 25/03/2018 19:01

Crispbutty Would you say that about a SAH mum?

Angelf1sh · 25/03/2018 19:03

If he doesn’t want a kid, you can’t make him. I think you need to accept it’s probably too late now. If you want another kid, separating and donar sperm seems your best bet.

Sisterlove · 25/03/2018 19:03

Your DS is 8 and in school, so why can't your DH go to work? Is he planning to live off you forever? What kind of example is he as a father.

Surely you could get a childminder or use wraparound care, so he can get a job.

Realistically, it's unlikely you would be able to leave him and find another man to have a child with in time.

Crispbutty · 25/03/2018 19:06

“Would you say that about a SAH mum”

To an 8yo yes. Why should one partner go out and be the only earner when a child is that age? What does he do all day??

And I don’t care if it’s sexist but I wouldn’t have much respect for a man who was happy to sit at home while his wife went out to work either. That’s my personal opinion.

CharlieontheMTA · 25/03/2018 19:07

If you're nearly 40 there really isn't time to meet a new partner considering you have a child. How exactly would that work for your existing child? Divorce/break up takes a year while at the same time mum is aggressively dating. Then partner gets introduced just as the kid has come to terms with his parents split and a few months later a new baby appears? This is madness and certainly doesn't take into account the well being of your child.

Your only real option at this point is a sperm donor but you are really are risking your relationship with your existing child. I can't imagine your husband would take it well and neither would your son when he gets older.

DairyisClosed · 25/03/2018 19:07

It's not fair to make him have another child if he doesn't want one. But it's not fair for him to just sit around all day. I assume that your DS is in school so your husband has hours of free time each week. Unless he is some kind of domestic god he really needs to get a job.

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 25/03/2018 19:12

Can you get pregnant by him? Whether or not it breaks up your family You’ve got to be realistic, if you leave him you won’t get your baby with anyone else.

AdalindSchade · 25/03/2018 19:15

She’s 40.. not 50. There’s time.. not lots but there is some

In a theoretical scenario yes. But in the real world - if she leaves her husband she will need to deal with the divorce, splitting assets, child contact arrangements, dealing with their son's emotional response etc, for at least a year before she even thinks about dating. Then - online dating when you're 40+ and desperate for a child - not a bed of roses. Say she meets someone within 6 months (unlikely) then they spend a year getting serious before starting to try, she's already 43. The chance of natural conception at 43 is pretty poor, then move the timeline back a couple of years to be more realistic and you're looking at mid to late 40s. I don't like those odds. Definitely not worth leaving a good marriage and the home where your child lives. Agree the husband sounds a lazy git though. No need for SAHPs with an 8 year old.

Veterinari · 25/03/2018 19:25

It sounds like you want a baby but not actually another child. Your DH has done the lions share of raising your DS and doesn’t want to do that again. It’s not fair to insist on another baby that he has to care for and that you’ll be less interested in when it grows into a stroppy kid

Quartz2208 · 25/03/2018 19:26

I agree most of my sahm Mum friends once the youngest is at school find something to fo

NSEA · 25/03/2018 19:28

Wait. He must be at primary school by now? Why doesn’t your dh work?

NellMangel · 25/03/2018 19:30

I totally understand the need to have a baby and the sadness at being denied it.

In my case me and ex separated when I was 39. I would have loved a second baby but in reality finding a partner, spending enough time to be 100% sure he was right for me, then trying to conceive, is just too much to ask given I'm now a single mum with little time to date.

I'm trying very hard to be happy with my lot. But I'm ashamed to say I get this sinking feeling of jealousy when people announce pregnancies.

I considered going it alone with donor, but I don't like the thought of one child seeing his dad regularly while the other stays with me without any concept of who dad is.

Sorry, no advice, but I know how difficult it is x

MyBrilliantDisguise · 25/03/2018 19:30

What a strange thing to say. It makes me wonder about some of the posters on here - so spiteful.

VladmirsPoutine · 25/03/2018 19:31

If he can't be swayed then your best bet is sperm donor and going it alone. You're the current bread-winner, he doesn't work so a shake-up in the relationship will change his cushy circumstances. Your current child is 8yo and presumably in school. What else is your H doing?

You are currently holding all the cards. Don't let him think that he has you over a barrel - he really doesn't.

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