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Original poster

Want a baby but husband says no

100 replies

welshmercury · 25/03/2018 18:13

I need to write as there is nobody I can talk to. Today a friend said she was pregnant and I knew she has been trying since Xmas. I was overcome with sadness and have been crying all day. My husband knows I want another baby but I had kept my feelings in check. About 18 months ago he said that I was choosing to break up our family by leaving to find someone else. We have a DS aged 8 who was a pill failure or we wouldn’t have a child. So I made the decision to stay as a family and we got married. I want more children. It is just a primal urge within me. I have never kept it a secret from him. We have been together 18 years. I turn 40 next year so time is running out. I don’t know what to do. So I end my marriage and separate? It will be messy as he would fight me for custody. He is a SAHD too. One of the reasons he doesn’t want a kid is because he would have to be the one to stay at home and look after the baby. I am the main wage earner and he doesn’t work. There is no incentive for him to work so I can stay at home as he doesn’t want another kid. He said we can talk about it when I’m less emotionally charged as I lee crying with a sense of loss. I have suggested we just try as there is no guarantee but at least when we are old and grey I would know that we tried. I have told him it will be one of the biggest regrets of my life if we don’t have another kid. He says I should be happy with what I already have. I know I want a baby and they grow up into stroppy kids who drive me batshit crazy. I genuinely don’t know what to do. But thanks for listening xx

OP posts:
lostinjapan · 26/03/2018 03:54

I would tell him that I plan to have another baby with donor sperm, I'll be taking maternity leave, and am staying put in this house with my first child to raise that baby

What the actual fuck? Would you give the same advice if the sexes were reversed?

'OP I would tell your wife that you plan on having another baby using a donor egg and a surrogate, so despite her being a SAHM for all these years you're going to kick her out of the house, while you stay put with your first child and the new baby.'

Absolutely ridiculous. If OP wants another child so badly, she'll have to do what a man would do in the same scenario. Leave the family home. Leave the child with the SAHP. Pay a hefty divorce settlement plus child maintenance.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 26/03/2018 08:49

At last lostinjapan some sense on the matter.
I can't believe what some posters have advised here. To trick him into having a child he doesnt want would be awful. It's manipulation and damn right disgusting. Bringing a child into the world whose father doesn't want it and then expecting him to raise it and care for it because he has been tricked into a huge commitment he doesn't want. And we wonder why men are such arseholes, I'm not surprised if there are women with this attitude, lack of integrity and completely non existent morals.
I do think he could work now, part time while your son is at school would be a possibility but I'm assuming as the SAHP he completes the majority of household/childcare so the op would need to pick up some of the slack. As we would expect a man to do should roles be reversed.
That being said some of the comments are so sexist and sound as though, just because he is a SAHD rather than a SAHM HIS contribution to the family so far is being overlooked.
Op if you want more children leave. You can't force him but as pp have sensibly pointed out the odds are stacked against you. Yes you could consider the sperm donor route but you would have to consider how you would support both children while being alone with one full time and maybe not being able to work due to child care costs etc. I think doing that would be a selfish decision as would affect your ds and impact his life significantly.

Itsseweasy · 26/03/2018 09:04

A couple of years ago I found out that my Mum tricked my Dad into getting her pregnant as he didn’t want any more children (me).
When she told him she was pregnant apparently said he would never be happy it.
Let me tell you, it has completely changed my view of my Mum not my Dad.
It is a disgusting thing to do, please don’t listen to the posters on here who have recommended it.

Speedy85 · 26/03/2018 09:09

There is some ridulously bad advice on this thread.

I would suggest counselling OP for both you and your DH. It sounds like your having problems communicating and there is resentment.

DamsonOnThisDress · 26/03/2018 09:38

I can't imagine the OP would follow that advice. Easy to get carried away online with tunnel vision of the woman's absolute right to have a baby but the OP is in a relationship with someone she presumably values so knows it's not as simple as want a baby, have a baby, hence the turmoil.

Hope you're feeling better today, OP. If yesterday was a bad day fair enough but if this is something that keeps rearing it's head I second the advice to consider counselling. I wish you and your family all the best. It's not easy when you disagree on something so significant.

ValueAddedTits · 26/03/2018 09:46

I suppose it does happen but i have only heard about women considering leaving (or staying) to have more children but not men.

neonyellowshoes · 26/03/2018 10:02

Could you try and stop thinking of your situation in terms of 'having babies' and more in terms of 'having a family'? You do need not need to obey every primal urge and nor should you.

Chances are, if you leave you will not achieve your aim if another baby. Finding a decent partner isn't always easy and does get more difficult as you get older. You may find another man eventually but you probably won't have another baby.

You have a family. Why change it for a unlikely possibility?

I'm roughly the same age as you with an only. I'd like another but DH isn't sure. I'm certainly not going to break up my loving, cosy, happy home for a possibility!

headstone · 26/03/2018 10:50

While I don't agree with tricking him, if you are on the pill I'd announce that you are coming off it for health reasons and contraception is now his responsibility. You'll be pregnant in no time Wink

RandomDreams · 26/03/2018 11:12

Some of the replies here are absolutely insane.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 26/03/2018 13:44

Yeah take headstones advice , rather than trick him just lie to him (it's not for health reasons) and try to bully him into having a baby....that will work.
The end result is the same he doesn't want anymore children. He may use condoms it may fail and happen by accident. He may slip up one day and not use one. He may eventually be convinced and give in to you.
The thing is you will still have a baby that isn't wanted by both parents, and a very resentful husband.
If you had no children I would advise to leave but you have one. I guess you need to decide what is more important, either the family you have or the child you want.

headstone · 26/03/2018 14:13

Why should the OP use contraception when she wants a baby, and yes the pill can have serious complications like breast cancer. If he doesn't want a baby he should sort out contraception or have the snip.

headstone · 26/03/2018 14:14

Anyway that's what I would do, no way would I carry on taking a pill with all its risks if I actually wanted a pregnancy.

Skarossinkplunger · 26/03/2018 14:48

I can’t believe that there are people as abysmal as to trick and deceive thier partners!

Kingsclerelass · 26/03/2018 15:08

Your DH sounds rather mean to me. He doesn't work, so I assume you keep him, while your DS is at school.

If you have a secure job, and a second child means that much to you, there is no reason why you can't take the decision to be a single mum. You wouldn't be alone. Plenty of other women manage although it means doing all the raising yourself, rather than having someone to share it with. I do it (not through choice in my case) and it's hard work.

But only you can take that decision. Will this grow into a major resentment when it's too late?

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 26/03/2018 15:19

This selfish man deserves to be tricked anyway

What a cuntish thing to say.

MN can be utterly feral sometimes.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 26/03/2018 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teacuphiccup · 26/03/2018 15:45

Erm why exactly is it compulsory that the husband gets a job?

Presumably he’s taken a career break and a hit to his prospects to look after their child and enabled her to go to work and get further in her career. Maybe part of that deal was that when the child grew up he was able to focus more on things he enjoyed. Maybe he does 100% of the household chores which enables her to have the career she has.
Just because it’s a man in the supportive role doesn’t make it any less valid. You can contribute to a family in more ways than just money.

headstone · 26/03/2018 15:59

I certainly wouldn't be happy doing all the working while my husband was at home doing things he enjoys while denying the one thing I wanted. Is this why he doesn't want another child ? he's enjoying all the spare time he has? That would really piss me off.

GetoutofthatGarden · 26/03/2018 16:06

Your child is 8 and your husband doesn’t work? Sounds to me like he has a very easy life and doesn’t want that to change

That's bang out of order. I admire any parent who stays at home to raise a child.

OlennasWimple · 26/03/2018 16:13

But your DH hasn't done anything wrong

He never wanted children (and I'm assuming he was upfront about this before you got serious), but when you had a contraceptive failure he supported you to have the child, married you, and gave up working to look after it.

What else should he have done? Besides agree to try for #2, when he really really didn't want another child?

Have you considered counselling to work through why you are so desperate for another child, and to start to come to terms with the fact that it's very unlikely to happen?

expatinscotland · 26/03/2018 16:23

I'd end the marriage, 50-50 custody and get a sperm donor.

expatinscotland · 26/03/2018 16:24

But then, years ago, when he told you no kids, I'd have left him then so wouldn't be in your situation. I ended a marriage at the age of 30 due to his never wanting children.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 26/03/2018 17:17

Ffs I wonder how some of you (the ones slagging of someone who has raised a child he never expected to have) would react if it was the other way round.
Would you give the same advice to a man who posted on here, would you say you wouldn't respect his wife for wanting to be a SAHP and running a home. Would you say to the op demand she has another child, its your right as you pay all the bill. Of course you should trick your wife and get her pregnant if that's what you want. Demand she goes back to work so she isn't sponging off of you.
Would you suggest he leaves his wife to find someone who can have his baby at the expense of the happiness of his existing child.
Of course you wouldn't. Talk about MN double standards at their best.
We, as women have fought for centuries to gain the same rights and respect as me and then you get women giving this kind of shit, selfish advice just because the person who doesn't want a child is a man.

Dozer · 26/03/2018 17:21

He is not U not to want more DC.

Probably - although not definitely - too late to find a new partner to have DC2 with given your age.

If you’re unhappy with being sole earner, ask him to get a job, and get and act on legal advice on how to maximise your chances of getting 50/50 residency should you break up.

BrandNewHouse · 26/03/2018 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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