Want a baby but husband says no

[welshmercury]

I need to write as there is nobody I can talk to. Today a friend said she was pregnant and I knew she has been trying since Xmas. I was overcome with sadness and have been crying all day. My husband knows I want another baby but I had kept my feelings in check. About 18 months ago he said that I was choosing to break up our family by leaving to find someone else. We have a DS aged 8 who was a pill failure or we wouldn’t have a child. So I made the decision to stay as a family and we got married. I want more children. It is just a primal urge within me. I have never kept it a secret from him. We have been together 18 years. I turn 40 next year so time is running out. I don’t know what to do. So I end my marriage and separate? It will be messy as he would fight me for custody. He is a SAHD too. One of the reasons he doesn’t want a kid is because he would have to be the one to stay at home and look after the baby. I am the main wage earner and he doesn’t work. There is no incentive for him to work so I can stay at home as he doesn’t want another kid. He said we can talk about it when I’m less emotionally charged as I lee crying with a sense of loss. I have suggested we just try as there is no guarantee but at least when we are old and grey I would know that we tried. I have told him it will be one of the biggest regrets of my life if we don’t have another kid. He says I should be happy with what I already have. I know I want a baby and they grow up into stroppy kids who drive me batshit crazy. I genuinely don’t know what to do. But thanks for listening xx

What would you regret more, breaking up with dh and at least trying to achieve your dream of another child (either with a new partner or donor) or staying with your dh, most likely growing to resent him and always wondering what if? Staying with your dh/not breaking up the family unit (its the same either way you word it) for the sake of your existing ds is always the wrong thing imo. Sounds like your dh has a cushty life and doesnt want it to change.

He sounds like an arse. Your son is 8 and your partner doesn't work. Sounds like he's got to much of a good thing going on.

Nothing to add that hasn't been said - I sympathise but if he doesn't want another there's not much you can do to change that.

I just wanted to say that I wouldn't even attempt to make any decision or try to make sense of the advice here today.

You only found out about your friend's pregnancy today and this has understandably shook you.

It's hard. Cry. Be kind to yourself and maybe see how you feel in a day or two. Today will be too emotional for you decide how you want to proceed (if at all).

(Just to be clear, Not saying you will suddenly not a baby in a day or two just that I get that you're having a particularly hard day today.)

You are currently holding all the cards. Don't let him think that he has you over a barrel - he really doesn't

That's not a healthy way to think about this situation at all.

You cannot have another baby with your husband if he doesn't want one.

Is the possibility of having a baby with someone else worth more to you than what you already have? What would the impact be on your son?

Maybe you could look into counselling regarding the baby issues if you decide that you don't want to leave your family.

Why not AdalindSchade? I've pointed out that the OP can't force her husband into agreeing to another child and if she wants one with immediacy then a sperm donor is the route to go down.

She's currently working and supporting the house-hold whilst there is an 8yo presumably in school so one must wonder what on earth does her H do all day. She is the one holding all the cards - she's the one working, and she's the one that wants a baby. To say otherwise would be to suggest she should acquiesce to her husband's wishes. Why should she? She is the one holding all the cards.

Some comments on here are horrendous.

There is simply no compromise- if someone does not want a child that's it.

Op, you need to decide what is more important to you. But if you do leave, your DH is the resident parent.

The comments on here about the child being school age and questioning what the H does all day are appalling and would not be raised were the roles reversed.

I see most people on here gave a complete lack of respect for SAHD’s!

Just to point out that you don’t need to have a bloke to have a child. Be your own power. A friend of mine got towards 40. No fella. Did it herself through a fertility clinic. Child now 10. Everybody perfectly happy, healthy, well rounded...her very close extended family provide good male role models. Don’t let him dictate your life. Why does he get to tell you if you can have more kids? You work hard and earn money therefore you must have the resources. Plus he’s a SAHD with a child of 8? Who presumably goes to school full time? Of course he doesn’t want another kid. He’s living the life of a retired king right now. Even if you hedge your bets and go get your eggs harvested and stored so you aren’t pressuring a decision, go do something. Get your LSH, FSH levels checked so you know where you stand. If I was you, I’d go it alone. You won’t lose custody. Some of the most useless parents I know have 50% custody. Everything is done equal splits these days. Go get yourself checked and informed.

Do people feel the same way about SAHM? Because, y'know they live the life of queens whilst their children are at school 🙄

@crispbutty

I agree with you on this point.....

And I don’t care if it’s sexist but I wouldn’t have much respect for a man who was happy to sit at home while his wife went out to work either. That’s my personal opinion.

I honestly think you are stuck I’m afraid OP. He will definitely try and get residency of the house and your child and you will be left with less than you have now. Do you still love him?

I would definitely feel the same way about a SAHM who had one child who was eight. To my mind that’s just someone who is unemployed.

To be honest with you ,you only live once. If you know that you’re going to regret not having a baby then trick him. Get pregnant anyway. The rest will be sorted afterwards. Your husband sounds very selfish and it’s time for you to be selfish too. Well that’s what I would do if i was in your position . Xx

The comments on here about the child being school age and questioning what the H does all day are appalling and would not be raised were the roles reversed

Not from me. I'm not in agreement with either gender staying home once the DC are in school.

Any situation where you depend on another person, can give rise to contempt.

I always wonder why women give up careers...trail the world and support their husbands... leaving themselves deskilled ... when the kids have gone through primary, secondary school and university.

Then the man ups and leaves for another woman...and the wife hasn't worked in over 20 years.

Being totally financially dependant on another human being when you aren't a child...is putting yourself in a very vulnerable situation.

It's fine when kids are preschool age and childcare costs a fortune.. but after that... there's no reason to leave the full financial burden to your spouse... be it man or woman. It just causes resentment.

To say otherwise would be to suggest she should acquiesce to her husband's wishes. Why should she? She is the one holding all the cards.

Er no she doesn't. The person not wanting a child always trumps the person who does. Sadly, the OP has consistently made decisions to stay in a relationship with a man who doesn't want more children. It doesn't matter whatever the OP's H reasons for not wanting another child are because it simply wouldn't be fair to the child to be born into a relationship where it wasn't wanted.

OP you can have the opportunity to have another child but it won't be with man. The relationship didn't sound like it was particularly fulfilling even without the possibility of a second child, a second child would therefore only exacerbate an already problematic dynamic.

Er no she doesn't.

Er yes she does.

I have pointed out already in my first and subsequent posts that she should go it alone if time is of the essence and she wants a baby. I have said that you can't force anyone to have children with you.

She's an independent woman whose already working and supporting a family, I reckon she's holding all the cards. Her needs and wants are achievable without this man. She has the capacity (hopefully) to conceive and carry a child and she currently is the only one supporting the family. I never said she should have another child with her current husband. WTF is wrong with people's reading comprehension!?

"Trick him. Get pregnant anyway".

Are you for real? Can you even imagine how violated you would feel if a bloke tricked you into becoming pregnant? Most people wouldnt dream of buying a bloody puppy without their DPs consent, let alone having a baby

@dirtybadger
Yes for real!That’s exactly what I would do if I was in that position. OP will be 40 next year. There’s no time to leave this man, start dating, meet a man and start discussing about having a child together . This selfish man deserves to be tricked anyway

This selfish man deserves to be tricked anyway

I can’t believe you actually think the op should trick him into a pregnancy.
Quite shocked at the attitude to sahds. Although if it was a SAHM I’d also be thinking the stay at home parent could be working.

The double standards on MN never cease to amaze me.
If this was a SAHM saying "DH wants another baby. He's out working all the time, I'm a SAHM, our DS is 8, I've done all the baby stuff once and I just don't want to do it again while DH is at work. But he wants another child and has threatened to leave me if I don't agree" - there'd be outrage, everyone telling her to LTB. But instead she's being told she has every right to have another child, and should even trick her DH and get pregnant anyway!

OP I feel for you, it sounds like a very sad situation.

I would tell him that I plan to have another baby with donor sperm, I'll be taking maternity leave, and am staying put in this house with my first child to raise that baby

I agree. This is what I'd do, to be honest. This is a man who's always known you want children, as in more than 1 child. He's holding your fertility hostage as he's living the life he likes. Your DC is 8 - why hasn't he got a part-time job, at least? He doesn't want to be a SAHD to another child, according to him. So he's ok if it's 1 child then, as I guess that's a whole lot easier.

As difficult as it is, there are 2 parent families out there with both parents working, and the children in nursery. & you'd get maternity leave wouldn't you?

On the other hand you could equally have known he never wanted children, and hoped he would change after you had a child and then got married.

I think there's a bit of wrong on both sides here. However - you want another baby. It's your right to go for that, just as it's his right not to want a child. In which case you have a child but not with him, and take the risk that your marriage will disintegrate.

You can't have it both ways

So if the roles were reversed, would it be ok for OPs husband to go out and get another woman pregnant, or guilt trip her into having a baby that she doesn't want? Typical MN double standards. 🙄

If you know that you’re going to regret not having a baby then trick him. Get pregnant anyway. The rest will be sorted afterwards

I've seen some bad advice on here before but this is in a totally different league. What a horrible thing to suggest

What makes you think they'll all just live happily ever after following such a massive deception

If you know that you’re going to regret not having a baby then trick him.

That is fucking horrific.