Want a baby but husband says no

[welshmercury]

I need to write as there is nobody I can talk to. Today a friend said she was pregnant and I knew she has been trying since Xmas. I was overcome with sadness and have been crying all day. My husband knows I want another baby but I had kept my feelings in check. About 18 months ago he said that I was choosing to break up our family by leaving to find someone else. We have a DS aged 8 who was a pill failure or we wouldn’t have a child. So I made the decision to stay as a family and we got married. I want more children. It is just a primal urge within me. I have never kept it a secret from him. We have been together 18 years. I turn 40 next year so time is running out. I don’t know what to do. So I end my marriage and separate? It will be messy as he would fight me for custody. He is a SAHD too. One of the reasons he doesn’t want a kid is because he would have to be the one to stay at home and look after the baby. I am the main wage earner and he doesn’t work. There is no incentive for him to work so I can stay at home as he doesn’t want another kid. He said we can talk about it when I’m less emotionally charged as I lee crying with a sense of loss. I have suggested we just try as there is no guarantee but at least when we are old and grey I would know that we tried. I have told him it will be one of the biggest regrets of my life if we don’t have another kid. He says I should be happy with what I already have. I know I want a baby and they grow up into stroppy kids who drive me batshit crazy. I genuinely don’t know what to do. But thanks for listening xx

If I was in a relationship as a SAHP and my husband said within 2 weeks I will stop using condoms, I expect you to get your tubes tied or start using the pill if you don't want another child, and while we are at it you can get a job because im fed up of supporting you then I would simply say that's cool I'm giving you 2 weeks notice that I will no longer be having sex with you and I will also be filing for a divorce.
You can't bully or blackmail someone you love into wanting something as important as this.
Either go to some kind of counselling to help you both improve your relationship or leave and have a baby with someone else.

She's not sabotaging her desire to have a child- she's preventing the birth of a child into a less than ideal situation.

One parent being very reluctant to say the least, is not ideal.

Just because you want something, does not mean you should automatically charge off and do it. Quite frankly, some of the advice on this thread will lead to nothing more than a broken home. Probably not even another a baby unless she actively tricks her DH.

I am sorry, it's a complete stalemate. There is no middle ground here.

I would tell him that as a woman nearing 40, I would not be taking contraception anymore. If he didn't want a child, then it's down to him to take control.

No secrets, no blackmail, no lies.

Unless I'm mistaken, the OP hasn't posted since the first post so I wouldn't be surprised if she's stopped reading the thread altogether.

Wouldn't blame her. Probably more confusing than comforting.

Yeah you're absolutely right of course the op should cease all contraception and then hopefully her husband has enough sense not to have sex with her.
I wasn't equating using condoms to pregnancy and childbirth. I was stating how wrong it would be to demand a child knowing it isn't wanted and will probably cause a family to split (potentially emotionally harming the child she already has).
Sure let the op husband take responsibility for the contraception but it should be discussed rationally rather than one party childishly stating right I want a baby, I don't care if you do or not, but I do so I'm coming off of the pill.
Perhaps the ops husband would go and get the snip, because he feels he has no other choice. But me, if I was in his shoes and she did that and my only option was to have a baby I don't want, because that's why she is being advised to do that, I would leave. But then I don't react well to selfish childish demands and coercive manipulating behaviour.

Why on earth is your husband not working when your child is eight years old? He sounds like a free loader. I shudder thinking of these men who coast along while their wives work hard outside the home. A friend’s husband is the same. It enrages me.

I believe in equality.

Threads like this are why I know it will only ever be an ideal, and why on some subjects women just can't be trusted.

I agree Meph threads like this make me question why I even come on MN.
They also make me question the integrity of my own gender.
Men and women deserve the same respect and should be treated as such.

Quite a few assumptions being made about the husband. We don't know enough about their situation, routine, income or what works for them to assume anything.

Plenty of SAHMs to school age children have posted here and not once have I seen anyone tell them they should get a job or claim she's a free loader.

I think it's unfair. For the one thing, there's plenty of SAHPs who ideally would like to work while their kids are at school but in reality its difficult because jobs that fit with school hours aren't always easy to find. Or maybe it affects income. Transport. Whatever. I don't know. But that's the thing, we don't know enough to cast aspersions. I certainly haven't seen that levelled at a SAHM to older kids who post here.

Regardless, hope the OP is ok.

It sounds as though your husband is being very unfair. He's denying you your needs while he gets to stay at home and live off your salary. And there is no reason he should not have a job by now - and if he were a woman I would say the same. You should not have got married in this situation, but what's done is done. I think the other posters are right - lay out your options to him - either he agrees to try for another baby or you explore going it alone with fertility treatment while living in the family home - and make it clear you will not be leaving that home. Those who are saying that you may lose custody, house etc if you go it alone, well I guess that's a possibility but it could happen anyway without a second child in the mix - it doesn't sound as though your husband cares very much for your feelings and I wouldn't put it past him to decide to end the marriage for another reason further down the line. I agree that there's no time now to find another partner to have another baby.. it's either have another one with your current partner with his consent or go through fertility treatment on your own.

He has blithely assumed that she owes him (or at a minimum will) sabotage her own desire to have a child for him.

So basically, he assumes they're married? I wonder where he got THAT crazy idea.

Surely all functional married couples believe that children should only be planned by the couple together, not unilaterally commissioned by one half, and that if the couple can't agree one half doesn't just decide to have a child anyway. My husband "blithely assumes that I will sabotage my own desire to have sex with other men" for his benefit, and shockingly enough I am willing to do that, because it's part of being married.

This thread is very unpleasant. I don't know why anyone would SAH with one 8yo, but if women can do it I don't see why men can't too, and it's fucking horrifying to see the sense of entitlement some women apparently feel about having whatever number of babies they want.

Jesus the double standards on this thread are a sight to behold, and women wonder why men don't want to commit anymore? You all advocate for him just laying down to her demands for another child yet if the situation was reversed you'd all be calling him abusive. It's highly immoral to bring a child into the world that's not wanted by one parent and incredibly selfish. The husband has the right to say NO just as she has the right to leave if it's that important to her, but forcing the other to your position is wrong on every level. I cannot believe there are people advocating trapping him into another child!! All the BS about the money is just another example of the blatant double standards on MN, if a man came on her bitching about his wife being a SAHM and not working you lot would lynch him, yet when it's the wife who has to pay it's suddenly a huge problem. My advice to the OP would be accept it or move on, don't demand. If you do you will lose him, simple as that.

But he wants to not work AND not have children. And no one is expecting him to carry and birth and feed the baby.
That's a bit different from a man trying to make a woman have another baby she doesn't want.

He doesn't need to be a SAHP anymore. He could work, she could have maternity leave and then use a nursery/childminder.

Why on earth is your husband not working when your child is eight years old? He sounds like a free loader. I shudder thinking of these men who coast along while their wives work hard outside the home.

I shall cut and paste this next time a SAHM reveals she has school age children. I am sure it will be received in the same manner that it was on this thread.

It's not unfair to not want children. He's always been honest about that. He's raising a child he never expected to have but I think it's completely understandable that he doesn't want more.

I don't know why that's seen as unreasonable. I don't want more. My husband desperately did. But once ours got past the toddler stage the thought of going back to that was a definite no-no for me - enjoyed baby stage at the time but I'm done with that (Oh so very done with that) - so I absolutely get why someone wouldn't want more - particularly given he never wanted any!

Why he's considered unreasonable for not all of sudden being ok with more kids I don't know.

I'm sure the situation feels unfair to both - it did with us but thankfully my husband respected me enough to not trick me or manipulate me and I certainly wasn't accused of being lazy for just not wanting more.

And tbh given the OP made one emotional post, referring to primal urges, I can't be sure that this wasn't an emotional response to her friend's pregnancy.

Not wanting to belittle the OP's feelings - I know how overwhelming it can be - but, even though I have no desire to have more, I am still overcome at certain times of my cycle on occasion where I'm very emotional and broody.

If I gave in to all my primal urges I'd have a football team by now and would have kicked the shit out of the dishwasher when a wheel came off the runner the other day.

That's being flippant, I know, and I don't know that this is the case with OP but I think he was right to say they'd talk about it when she was less emotional. I hope they have talked.

I can't see that he's done anything wrong here. He's allowed to not want children. I'm glad I was able to assert that right without criticism.

All that said I really really feel for OP - I do understand those feelings are overwhelming and heartbreaking. I'd say it was an almost impossible situation but given their wee family has got on thus far I really hope they can work it out.

But he wants to not work AND not have children.

So? Are you obligated to have more children if you choose to SAH? Does everyone who SAH give up their right to say "no more kids"?

If OP is not happy to support him in the SAH role any more she should say so, just as a man who is supporting a SAHM can. Otherwise I can't see that the issues have anything to do with each other. OP doesn't get to browbeat him into fathering another child because she is the WOHP.

You've been with him 18 years.
Has he always told you he didn't want kids?

If he did, and you wanted them, then you gave up that option by staying. You had one 8 years ago by accident - so had been with him 10 years and I assume he's been saying he didn't want kids over and over.

You chose a partner who doesn't want kids, so you can't force him to have another one.

Either choose a partner who wants what you want or stay with him and stop trying to guilt him into a child he doesn't want.

Why on earth is your husband not working when your child is eight years old? He sounds like a free loader. I shudder thinking of these men who coast along while their wives work hard outside the home.

Fuck me.

Would you say that to a woman? No? Thought not.

If the situation was reversed it would be completely reasonable for the husband to ask his wife to get a job now the child is 8. I don't understand this childcare argument when most schools have wrap around childcare. Most people manage to juggle childcare and work. Also would it be reasonable for a man to ask his wife to take charge of her fertility if she didn't want a child? Let's have a reality check. With just about every couple when the woman doesn't want a child she uses contraception. She would be foolish to rely on the man to do it. It is not unreasonable for the DH in this situation to get a job and use condoms if he wants no more children.

movinforward hits the nail on the head. Some truly jaw dropping statements being made on this thread. The sense of self entitlement some of you have is truly sad. Reverse the roles and it all falls apart. The issue of contraception is a red herring imo. Parents should agree to have more children or not. It is not and should never be just one person deciding. That is not a good partnership or marriage and a person who thinks that is ok is imo extremely selfish. The damage caused to the first child by potentially splitting up the family seems to hardly register with some. Isn’t that far more important than one partner “desperately wanting” their own way?

Would I ask the same of a woman? Yes, I would.

I don't understand why there is an issue of asking the man to take control with regards to contraception.
Take away the gender issue, one partner wants another child. The other partner doesn't. To me, it makes sense that the partner who doesn't want more children should surely take over that responsibility. Anything else seems a little cruel, and as someone pointed out, a contraception failure would be blamed as 'trapping'. I sat down with my husband and explained to him my feelings and why I didn't want to take contraception anymore (I had been responsible for it for the entirety of our marriage up until that point). Nothing underhand at all about a man and a woman having an adult discussion about family planning. He accepted my reasons and took charge of the situation.

Further more, give over with the man at home, or even a parent at home comments. That's just plain daft. Again, family arrangements like this should be discussed between the two adults, and it's no one else's business.