I feel so unhappy and don't know what to do.

[Cajb18]

I feel pretty lost and confused right now. I've been with my husband for 18 years but the last 5 have been really hard. It feels like it has just been one obstacle after another. He's secretive and doesn't share what he's done with his day, people he's seen, conversations he's had. He doesn't discuss his days at all.

He is not able to show any affection, gropes me everytime he comes near me, which makes me feel cheap. He thinks he is entitled to put his hand down my trousers or up my top anytime he feels like it, and gets grumpy when I ask him not too. He is unable to give me a simple cuddle without groping. He needs attention from other women and is a huge flirt. It's very rare we go anywhere without some women catching his attention followed by the sly looks, then the secret smiles start. Which is humiliating for me and I just want to run away from him and the situation. It's the mums at school and our children's out of school clubs that I find the most humiliating the secret smirks from the mums that they know my husband is interested in them. He is also addicted to sex. For the most part of our relationship he hasn't ever let me get a full night sleep and has always woke me up every few hours for sex. It's felt like constant torture. I've felt so tired for years, walking around like a zombie. Making constant excuses to my friends and work colleagues because I cant tell them the truth about what my husband is really like, mainly because I don't want them to dislike him.

I'd finally had enough when I caught him secretly filming me in the shower on his phone. I had a panic attack and told him to leave. After a week I let him back because the kids were missing him so much and he is a brilliant father. We went to relate for a year which helped a little but the therapist was female bad actually said she found hi. Very charming which if I hadn't of hears myself I wouldn't have believed. She was more taken in by his lies and crap than by helping us. Having said that, he did get a little better allowing me to get some nights sleep. He still doesn't show me any affection and I've had enough of his flirting. The humiliation makes me feel so sad, like me and his kids aren't enough for him. I've told him how it makes me feel but he denies doing it and tells me it's all in my head. I feel trapped and lonely, but then I think to myself , am I just been petty? after all it's only flirting, he makes my tea most nights, helps me with the house and kids, and provides for us. What do I do. I forgive him but hate him at the same time for how he is. Do I break up the family and leave him, or stay and put up with his flirting and me living without any affection from him?

Yesterday wasn't good. We've been civil infront of the kids but haven't really spoke since I first posted on here. He came up to me yesterday put his hand up my top but on my stomach so he doesn't class that as groping. But then did grope by slyly rubbing his hand( like he does) where he shouldn't have.

This morning he got in the marital bed and his hands were instantly all over me and down my trousers, which woke me up. I just froze and let him do it. I don't know why I can't tell him to get off. In my mind I am saying, tell him to stop, say it, but for some reason the words don't come out. I think it's because I know it will start an argument and I refuse to argue infront of the kids, plus I haven't got the energy for the confrontation. He said he misses me ( he meant my body) I replied by saying, I wish you could change. He got out of the bed, didn't say another word and went downstairs.

A house came on the market yesterday which I want to go look at. It's I'm the perfect area, not a bad price, a bit small, 3 bed for me and 4 kids. I just need to figure out how to get ours on the market and sell it before the other house sells. I think I may be dreaming, but I'm going to try.

Good luck OP... please please see this through. You and the dc will be so much happier and you deserve peace

I'm want to apologise. I'm horrified at how graphic I was in my last post. I'm starting to use this site a my my comfort blanket / diary. It isn't appropriate, offloading my problems on all of you. I've decided I'm not going to post anymore, it's just not right.

Thank you all so much for how you have helped me.

Please keep posting. It seems to be helping you. Your last message wasn’t too graphic, please don’t worry about that!
You need an outlet to get all of this off your chest and this forum seems to be working as that for you.

Everyone is rooting for you and is here to support you through this.

Sometimes when offloading the awful details of abuse for the first time we can feel a real sense of horror and shame that the details are out there.

Please don't feel that. You don't need to feel that. I know it's easy for me to say - I've been in your position though. I know that feeling of shame and 'too much' ness after I've shared some clear details of the abuse.

Please keep posting if it helps. What you have posted isn't too much, or too shocking, or too graphic.

If you feel it’s too graphic then you should most definitely do something about it. It sometimes brings it home just how bad the abuse is, if you feel embarrassed or bad about airing it.

Do NOT apologise.
You realise now you have become a people pleaser.
You probably always were.
This site is for exactly what you want to post.
The people here won't judge you.
You post what you want and when you want.
It's good to get it out there.
We've seen more graphic than this so don't worry about that.

The house sounds good so it's just time to get moving.
Scary? Absolutely.... But the relief you will feel when you are away from this will be immense.
Keep going. It's tough to face but you are doing it!

@Cajb18 please don’t stop posting. Hope you are ok

Hi all, found this thread in my email and and re-read all the posts. It's now nearly 2020 and I am in the exact same situation..
Nothing has changed. I still have a husband that puts his hand down my trousers at every opportunity he gets. He still comes and watches me in the shower every morning if he's at home. I still don't sleep, his grubby hands all over me, dragging my skin. I wake up with my pj's pulled down to my knees, or my bra undone and my t-shirt lifted. I was still completely exhausted from sleep deprivation. But this changed 4 weeks ago due an argument. The argument was over my 2nd eldest making her presence known so he wouldn't grope me and he didn't like it so turned cinfrintational. Thatv did it die me, ill defend my kids to the end of the earth, She's 21. After the argument I told him I couldn't stand him and I asked him to sleep downstairs. I now know that I will never allow him in my bed again. We are done. I have mentally and emotionally detached. He grabbed my boob the other day and it hurt. I told him I didn't like it and he just replied 'well I do'. I hate him, most of the love is dead now. I Feel nothing. I don't care that he flirts, it doesn't bother me at all. I couldn't care less if he was sleeping about, infact, I wish he would, then perhaps he would leave me alone. The innuendos are still constant. I still hear that I'm boring and no fun everyday. I know this probably sounds very unbelievable but I am feeling stronger, because the hatred is setting in. My kids are 2 years older now and becoming a bit more independent. Ive managed another 2 years, so that's 2 years of my mortgage paid off, therefore i am a bit financially better. I'm going to get my house valued next week. I know I let myself down not leaving 2 years ago, but dont think I was mentally ready and would have gone back. I am ready now because all the love is dead. I get so angry when I think about what I have let him do to me over the years. How he has abused my body whilst I've laid there, still, like a statue and he has just carried on regardless. Then pretended it was great and mutual afterwards. Us both knowing full well that I had took my mind somewhere else and not wanted him near me. I ask myself now, how can he have done that and he would be still happy to do it, if I let him! Anyway watch this space, ladies. I feel strong and I'm going to be free soon. I'm not a victim anymore. I've spoken to my friend and my sister about and am no longer prepared to keep his behaviour a secret for me to live with in silence.

You haven't let yourself down by not taking action two years ago. Please don't think that. I get the impression that it's more usual than not for it to take more than one attempt. Each person has to do it when it's right for them, as you have found. I will be watching this space and wishing all the best for you, as will many others.

Listen lovely— this is such an awful read, there are ladies on here considering leaving partners for way way less than this— you will totally kill your spirit by letting this go on. He is a weirdo , albeit with a charming front. Get out and get some peace!!

That sounds absolutely awful. You should allow yourself to be free of this man. He is everything no one wants. It sounds like he has NO redeeming qualities. I mean if he was a "flirt" but really just inappropriately charming and treated you wonderfully in all other areas, I'd say maybe work on it with him. If he was grabby with you but totally chivalrous elsewhere, same. But he humiliates you, seems to enjoy it, gropes you, leaves you exhausted, cares only about himself.

It may feel lonely or hard at first to leave him, but give yourself time. Invest in your own happiness and you'll be so much better off!

Horrific. :(

I hope that you do manage to leave soon. You can do it. Hugs and best wishes. xxxxx

This is abuse. I’m horrified by what you have had to put up with, you poor thing. Leave him. Use the next couple of weeks to get your shit together and then leave. You’ll be fine. I promise.

Nothing has changed here OP, we're still right behind you with the same support, just willing you on. Please keep posting, there may be tough times ahead but we're here for you.

Does it make it easier to understand if you hear this - your husband is a psychopath.

And not just any old psychopath, a deeply sadistic and sexually perverse one.

Time.to.go.

Well done OP
You sound ready
Talk to your sister, be open and honest.
Go and see a lawyer and have a chat about your move forwards.
You never have to let him touch you again, ever.

You have not let yourself down at all.
It usually takes 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship.
Don't beat yourself up about that.
You've made it 'real' by telling people.
That must be a huge weight lifted.
Small steps now to your freedom.
You will get there.
You got this!!

Thanks for the posts. I didn't receive a notification on my phone so I didn't realise I'd received any replies. Its been a tough couple of days. He started an argument over me sleeping with my bedroom door closed ( he's still sleeping downstairs, but he isn't happy about it and is letting it be known with his continuous comments) this morning he got in bed with me and pulled my pj's down and just grabbed me. I stayed strong and asked him to stop it. He did but stormed off. He's come in whilst I've been having a shower for the past 3 days and just stood and watched me. Yesterday, I mustered up enough courage to ask him to stop watching me. He muttered under his breath and stormed out. Today he kissed me, when I tried to push him away he used his strength against me for a bit. I asked him why he had done that when I had told him I hadnt wanted to kiss him. He replied "because I wanted to kiss you" .

If its okay with everyone, I'm going to carry on posting and use it as my strength for each time I don't feel strong. I will read these posts to reconfirm what he's like.

Definitely keep posting if it’s helping. I am here, I am on your side. You can do this, one step at a time.

Sickening. Enough is enough Op. get the police involved he is sexually abusing you. I hope he is unlucky enough never to lay his hands on another woman ever again.

You know what scares and saddens me, is that I read all your posts and how you are all so horrified. I feel a bit shocked that you are all disgusted by it. it has just become that normal to me that although I know what he does is wrong I am shocked at how wrong you all think it is. Deep down I hope that one day I can also look back and and think the same as you and realise how bad he is.

Does that make any sense, Sorry, I'm not brill at articulating what I'm thinking.

Your children need a happy strong mother to be happy. A good man knows this. This is not a good man. You are little more than an animal to him - an abused pet. I would also proposition that you don't know what else goes on because without doubt he is sleeping around and/or visiting sex workers, dogging sites - the lot.

You also need to confront what it is from your past that has made you so permeable. Many posters on here have expressed shock because they can not imagine enduring this. This is coercive sexual abuse.

Also you have not said if you have daughters - because if you do then come adolescence he will not be able to control the voyeuristic side to him (at best).

Courage my friend. The way out is through the door.

I'm sorry OP - I hadn't read all the thread so hadn't got the updates. You are doing brilliantly. You have opened the door - it's over. You mentioned your daughter kind of confronting him - or at least making her presence known. Does this mean she is aware on some level?

My eldest 2 daughters 25 & 21. My 21 year old still lives at home, is very mature for her age and to a degree has become my protector when she is at home. (That has just made me cry writing it) She is though, if she knows he's followed me into a room she will purposely follow him so he doesn't touch me. This is why he got so cross that night because she followed him and he didn't like it. Both the eldest two, too a degree, know what he's like. They love him because he is funny, loving and caring. But equally we know the other half of him isn't wired right. Vulteuriatic is probably the perfect word to sum him up. I tell him time and again how he makes me feel and how much I hate the way he touches me but he never listens or changes, I don't think he cares and never changes. He thinks I should be happy that he fancies me and wants to touch me all the time (he tells me that repeatedly) . He genuinely thinks he's being nice and it's a loving thing to do. He doesnt see any wrong in it at all.

He's just stormed off to bed now because he came up to me (it's bed time and he's expectant) Started instantly touching me. But im getting stronger and defended myself. And that's because these posts have confirmed and reinforced that it isn't me that's in the wrong as he tells me, it is in fact him.