I feel so unhappy and don't know what to do.

[Cajb18]

I feel pretty lost and confused right now. I've been with my husband for 18 years but the last 5 have been really hard. It feels like it has just been one obstacle after another. He's secretive and doesn't share what he's done with his day, people he's seen, conversations he's had. He doesn't discuss his days at all.

He is not able to show any affection, gropes me everytime he comes near me, which makes me feel cheap. He thinks he is entitled to put his hand down my trousers or up my top anytime he feels like it, and gets grumpy when I ask him not too. He is unable to give me a simple cuddle without groping. He needs attention from other women and is a huge flirt. It's very rare we go anywhere without some women catching his attention followed by the sly looks, then the secret smiles start. Which is humiliating for me and I just want to run away from him and the situation. It's the mums at school and our children's out of school clubs that I find the most humiliating the secret smirks from the mums that they know my husband is interested in them. He is also addicted to sex. For the most part of our relationship he hasn't ever let me get a full night sleep and has always woke me up every few hours for sex. It's felt like constant torture. I've felt so tired for years, walking around like a zombie. Making constant excuses to my friends and work colleagues because I cant tell them the truth about what my husband is really like, mainly because I don't want them to dislike him.

I'd finally had enough when I caught him secretly filming me in the shower on his phone. I had a panic attack and told him to leave. After a week I let him back because the kids were missing him so much and he is a brilliant father. We went to relate for a year which helped a little but the therapist was female bad actually said she found hi. Very charming which if I hadn't of hears myself I wouldn't have believed. She was more taken in by his lies and crap than by helping us. Having said that, he did get a little better allowing me to get some nights sleep. He still doesn't show me any affection and I've had enough of his flirting. The humiliation makes me feel so sad, like me and his kids aren't enough for him. I've told him how it makes me feel but he denies doing it and tells me it's all in my head. I feel trapped and lonely, but then I think to myself , am I just been petty? after all it's only flirting, he makes my tea most nights, helps me with the house and kids, and provides for us. What do I do. I forgive him but hate him at the same time for how he is. Do I break up the family and leave him, or stay and put up with his flirting and me living without any affection from him?

Doing great - you are a breath of fresh air and have made me laugh, whilst speaking such sense. Your posts mean so much to me. 100% it's no 2. I am open with him and regularly tell him how his actions make me feel, how unloved I feel, he makes me feel like a sex object. He doesn't care and doesn't stop. Mary Peary, it feels like my youth and beauty has nearly gone and he has had the best of it, wasted on him. I'm going to try and salvage what's left. But it's going to be a long time, if ever before I could ever trust anyone again. I'm damaged goods now. It took me at least 10 years of being with him to fully know who he really was. I'll always be weary in future. That's not a good start or basis to any relationship. I sound so old but I'm only early 40's. I haven't had a good experience with men and to be honest I don't think there's any good, decent, honest, loyal ones out there. I'm done, as soon as I get out of this. Much to my husband's delight that no one else will have me ( my choice) in my eyes men are all sexually messed up.

You don't need another relationship. After my experience I never will again but I'm so much happier on my own! You are not damaged goods! Just traumatised.

Don't worry about future relationships. You need to heal from this one first. Do you have a plan for getting out?

This is horrific behaviour. I would think he is unlikely to change. Freedom programme and plan your escape

Oh op your recent posts made me go cold, what a vile monster he is...

You do not need to live like this, you have your own income, your children and you are only in your early 40's ! You have a big chunk of your life in front of you, grab it and live how you want.

Please stop thinking about another relationship, that is the last thing you need, l have several friends your age and older blissfully happy in their lives with no partner or husband, living amazing, happy lives.

Once you leave him you need never have sex again if you don't want to....

Please, please arrange a quick departure and don't look back, your DCs will be fine.

Just stopping by to see how you are doing today? I think you are so strong to have had to live this way for so long. Freedom is around the corner, op. 💐

Hi MrsDilber, not been brill today. Working out finances and finding money for additional rent etc is going to harder than I initially thought.

I made a step and spoke to my sister whom I haven't spoke to in 4 months, which was nice, although I didn't talk about anything personal, it was nice to talk.

Thanks for checking in and asking. I think I'm still processing everything. I haven't really used netmums before. I put the question on not really thinking I would get a reply. I Still don't know what made me do it. It's a bit of a blur. I had been sat in my car for hours, crying, lost lonely, not wanting to go home. If it hadn't of been for my kids I don't think I would have. It could possibly have well been a Shirley Valentine moment. but I'm starting to think posting in on here may have been fate.

Thanks again for asking.

Why do you have to leave the marital home?

Perhaps he could be the one who leaves.

Unfortunately it's often the case that th only way to escape an abusjve man is to leave. They get so deep in your head, are so manipulative and difficult that any warning or reasonable asking to leave just lends them strength in holding their victims in place.

The courts got my abusive ex out of the marital home. Of course he wouldn't have left if I'd asked him!

Could it be that your image of your DCs happy little lives is clouded. My DM admitted late in life that she had been very unhappy for several years (with good reason). Looking back it wasn't a happy time for us DCs, we were ok, as at school most of the day, and celebrations were celebrated, life appeared fine. But I remember it being as if a cloud was settled over us all. We DCs weren't very nice to each other, we knew things weren't right but as children it is all out of your control. We were much older than your DCs but I'm sure your low mood and the tension between you and DF is not good for them. But they know nothing else.

hi op, thinking of you this morning...handhold from here.

I know its a lot to process, it must have come as a real shock to hear other womens responses to your situation.

Please keep trying to get through to womens aid and find out if you can get him out of your home.....also as you are now speaking to your sister do you think you could show her this thread?

If you were my sister l would be desperate to help you and your Dcs get away from this man.

l hope you are holding up today, please keep posting here.

@springydaff I am in process of divorcing a violent abusive ex and am also going through awful court case to get home back. I meant I had to leave the home in order to be strong enough to do that rather than kicking him out from within. That's what i found I needed to do while others no doubt deal with it differently!

Hi op thinking of you this morning. Have you been able to get through to women's aid at all - if you can find the number to your local branch (Google) you may speak to someone directly. I had some one to one with a worker there which was helpful. I went along with my husband knowing and it was helpful.

It's understandable your boundaries have been blurred - your childhood was horrendous - you have done well to parent your children in a healthy way - they love you. I don't know how you cope with this but you are seeing through him.
He's abusive - your doing the right thing. Keep posting if you find it helpful. 🌺

Same here Unravelling. I hope it all works out for you

Local Women's Aid

The fact you can actually write all that down and then ask the question is absolutely terrifying.
This guy is disgusting.
He's an abuser and he's vile.
Make your exit plan and get away from him asap.
Womens Aid can help you - 0808 2000 247

Cajb, thinking of you here too

You mention upthread that you grew up with abuse, that you were in a previous relationship that was abusive and now this - obviously the practicalities will be difficult (to say the least) to sort out and I agree will getting Women's Aid on board. When the dust has settled, please very seriously consider seeking specialist therapy for abuse survivors because your past may well colour the choices you make and can affect your future.

I don't think it was 'fate' you posting your question, I think it was strength and a dawning realisation that in spite of the mind fuck that had/has been done to you, you are worth far more than what you are living with presently.

Springydaff, I'm so sorry your going through that, I hope your getting there now.

My problem is - my husband isn't physically abusive, he cookout dinner most nights, brings me a coffee up every morning, does the ironing, helps with some cleaning, makes the kids pack lunches on a morning and picks the kids up from school when I need him too. We do get on well together ( I know your all thinking how can you get on with someone who does that to you) when it's okay between us.

That said, please don't think I am defending him in anyway, I am most definitely not. I'm just trying to explain my whole situation and why he pulls on my heart strings. I hate what he does to me, I hate him with vengeance when he does what he does, I hate him at the same time as loving him. As I said before, in an ideal world, I'd want nothing more than to keep the good half and get rid of the messed up side.

I understand why some women find it so hard to leave their husbands. People call them weak for staying and putting up. I've even heard women say that women deserve what they get if they haven't got the courage to leave. But I understand it's not that black or white sometimes. I am going to leave, get my life back and stop allowing him to do what he does to me. My heart is breaking, my whole world / life is collapsing around me (or that's how it feels) because I am finally making myself admit, instead of deny and ignore what he does to me. But I am getting stronger, I can feel it. I'm making plans as I write. But I do want myself to try and clarify that I honestly don't think my children are affected.

Thank you again, for every single post. I have read and re-read them all.

My thoughts are with every single women that has suffered abuse. We don't deserve it, we didn't choose it, but we can do something about it. Although, finding the courage and strength will probably be the hardest thing we ever have to do. (I am finally saying we and not them)

Bless you darling

This is the hard bit - I remember it well. Gruesome, coming to terms, realising you have to leave. Awful.

But it does pass. It's not comfortable but it does pass. Hold on, this is the bumpy bit - it is worth it for the pure joy of what you get at the end!

I am just selling the family home and my eldest is 30! So it was a long time ago for me xx

Do the freedom programme and it really will help to clarify everything. It is a wonderful course xx

You sound lovely op..... l think people do understand relationships are not all bad.....but if the bad is really abhorrent it cannot be fixed sadly.

I hope you are able to find your freedom soon.

Emotional abuse can be so very subtle and of course does not leave visible marks, but is not any less damaging.

And re 'every relationship has good and bad bits': yes, that is true, but it depends on quite how bad the bad bits are, doesn't it? Not putting the toilet seat down is on a different level from treating you as a sex object.

I also like this one: how much shit would you accept in a cup of tea? Exactly - none. And that is how it ought to be re abuse/relationship also.

If they were awful all the time of course we would leave. They keep you hanging on by being oh so lovely when they want to be. Then you feel like you’re being mean because you don’t want to put up with the crap.

My ex was only half the bastard yours is, and it is killing me having to leave him as I miss out on so much lovely stuff, but the alternative means accepting being treated in a way that makes me feel shit, even if only a small proportion of the time.

I have read that it doesn’t help to demonise them, you need to remember the good times too, if only so that you can forgive yourself for staying. But also to be honest and to keep your heart full of love rather than bitterness. Remember the happy times and the bad, thank him (mentally if not in real life) for the happy times.

Cajb18, groping you without your consent is physical abuse. Waking you for sex that you don’t want is physical abuse. The other behaviours you describe are abuse: coercive, emotional, invasion of privacy.
But you sound like you are forming a plan to move away from all of this...

Sorry, OP, my post sounds way more blunt than I intended.
Good luck in moving forward to peace and freedom!