I feel pretty lost and confused right now. I've been with my husband for 18 years but the last 5 have been really hard. It feels like it has just been one obstacle after another. He's secretive and doesn't share what he's done with his day, people he's seen, conversations he's had. He doesn't discuss his days at all.
He is not able to show any affection, gropes me everytime he comes near me, which makes me feel cheap. He thinks he is entitled to put his hand down my trousers or up my top anytime he feels like it, and gets grumpy when I ask him not too. He is unable to give me a simple cuddle without groping. He needs attention from other women and is a huge flirt. It's very rare we go anywhere without some women catching his attention followed by the sly looks, then the secret smiles start. Which is humiliating for me and I just want to run away from him and the situation. It's the mums at school and our children's out of school clubs that I find the most humiliating the secret smirks from the mums that they know my husband is interested in them. He is also addicted to sex. For the most part of our relationship he hasn't ever let me get a full night sleep and has always woke me up every few hours for sex. It's felt like constant torture. I've felt so tired for years, walking around like a zombie. Making constant excuses to my friends and work colleagues because I cant tell them the truth about what my husband is really like, mainly because I don't want them to dislike him.
I'd finally had enough when I caught him secretly filming me in the shower on his phone. I had a panic attack and told him to leave. After a week I let him back because the kids were missing him so much and he is a brilliant father. We went to relate for a year which helped a little but the therapist was female bad actually said she found hi. Very charming which if I hadn't of hears myself I wouldn't have believed. She was more taken in by his lies and crap than by helping us. Having said that, he did get a little better allowing me to get some nights sleep. He still doesn't show me any affection and I've had enough of his flirting. The humiliation makes me feel so sad, like me and his kids aren't enough for him. I've told him how it makes me feel but he denies doing it and tells me it's all in my head. I feel trapped and lonely, but then I think to myself , am I just been petty? after all it's only flirting, he makes my tea most nights, helps me with the house and kids, and provides for us. What do I do. I forgive him but hate him at the same time for how he is. Do I break up the family and leave him, or stay and put up with his flirting and me living without any affection from him?