Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I won't attend my partners fathers funeral....

88 replies

Scotsmum90 · 22/03/2018 23:28

Please let me know what you think about this one this is not something I can discuss with anyone I know hence the post.

Been with my partner a couple of years now and he has recently been told that his dad has died.

He has been estranged fro his father but secretly in touch with his mother (against the fathers wishes). I know that he wants to build his relationship with his mum now that the father has past.

He is helping his mother organise things for the funeral..

The reason I won't attend is because his father was convicted of possession of indecent images of children and was part of a ring. He was caught and went to prison for a few years. However upon release he continued to view images.

My partners mother stood by the father through this all. Visited him in prison and took him back afterwards.

The father subjected my partner to abuse, he has never discussed this with his mother but feels that she knew and did nothing.

He told me all of this when I first met him and I don't like to judge people based on the actions of their family members - so I didn't I accepted that he had a traumatic childhood and left it at that we don't talk about it.

So on to the funeral.....

He is helping his mother plan the funeral and he will be attending

I have a older child from a previous relationship and as mother I cannot bring myself to attend a funeral of someone like that.

As much as I want to support my partner on this occasion I simply cannot.

I would never tell him that I have lost a bit of respect for him because he is going to the funeral....I am I wrong for feeling like this?

I said I will support hi in any other way that I can ( and I will)

However this has got me thinking - if we had a child together (we don't and I don't thing I want any more children) I think I would be having some strong words with him about him going to this funeral.....as mums what do you think of this?

OP posts:
wasitheotherwoman · 22/03/2018 23:34

I think personally funerals are for the people left to find closure and your partner will be wanting you there for him not for his father who is now dead and has no idea if you're attending or not.

What a mindfuck for your partner

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 22/03/2018 23:35

That is a hard one op and I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. I completely understand your decision to not attend and would probably do the same myself in your situation. I wonder if your dp requires a sense of closure with the funeral? Like, make sure he’s gone? I don’t fully understand how he must be feeling. Has he expressed a desire to see his mother now that his father is dead?

Porpoises · 22/03/2018 23:36

Your partner is a victim here. His whole life and family had been affected by his father's actions. I don't think anyone has a right to judge how he chooses to handle this. Don't go to the funeral if you don't want to, but don't judge him for choosing to go.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 22/03/2018 23:37

I mean, see her regularly

Original poster
Scotsmum90 · 22/03/2018 23:38

Thank you for this - I know you are right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scotsmum90 · 22/03/2018 23:40

@coolgirlsnevergetangry

No he hasn't been able to see her much as she would only speak to him on the phone in secret if the dad was not around. Only since the dad has now passed she is now spending time with my partner which is good and I can see is what he has wanted - a mother.

OP posts:
blueskypink · 22/03/2018 23:42

I don't like to judge people based on the actions of their family members

Doesn't that go without saying? Why on earth would you?

I would never tell him that I have lost a bit of respect for him because he is going to the funeral....I am I wrong for feeling like this?

Yes I think you are. If he feels he needs closure on his relationship with his father why would you judge him for that and respect him less?

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/03/2018 23:42

Was he abusive to the DM as well? Because the secret phone calls and sneaking around suggest that.

LardLizard · 22/03/2018 23:42

Think if you love your partner you should go with him if that’s what he want to be there for your oartner it’s about him not his dad

Original poster
Scotsmum90 · 22/03/2018 23:43

@wasittheotherwoman

I agree under any other circumstances I would be there with my partner. However my reason for not attending is because the father committed crimes against children so it just out of principle personally.

OP posts:
wasitheotherwoman · 22/03/2018 23:47

Yeah I get that you don't want to show respect for this man.

I don't get how turning up at a funeral is "paying respect" in every case. Here it would simply be supporting a partner through something rather than "paying respect"

lattewith3shotsplease · 22/03/2018 23:48

It appears you are doing the right thing for you...that's what counts.

(I'd do the same in your position)

Taylor22 · 22/03/2018 23:52

I wouldn't be able to stay with him if he keeps his mother in his life.
I wouldn't issue the ultimatum now. But I would allow a small amount of time to pass and then tell him the next time he mentioned her.

She is dangerous.

Seeingadistance · 22/03/2018 23:52

I went to my abuser's funeral. Even now, thinking about it some 25 years later, I can't really explain how I felt about that. I suppose in a way, it felt like the end of something over which I'd had no control, but which had affected me profoundly.

Has your partner ever received counselling about what happened to him, his father's actions/convictions and his parents' relationship?

Obviously, I can't know, but I suspect your partner is experiencing a complex range of emotions and thoughts as a result of his father's death and maybe being involved in the funeral arrangements is one way for him to deal with that. I wouldn't be too hard on him, but keep an open mind about him experiencing a bit of roller coaster of emotions right now and in weeks and months to come as he processes the past.

And I think it's your choice, and yours alone, to decide not to go to the funeral.

Original poster
Scotsmum90 · 22/03/2018 23:57

@seeingadistance

Thank you so much for your comment.

I have encouraged him to seek counselling / speak to his mother but he has been very reluctant. I have have respected this and not pushed him with it nor will I - although I want to I know I can't.

I am sure he is feeling a lot that he is struggling to verbalise as I ask him each day how he is feeling.

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 23/03/2018 00:02

I suppose your partner is grieving for a father he lost many years ago, he didn't get to have that dad any more did he, after what happened, so he was abused and then punished again.

He definitely needs counselling, but in the meantime I think it has to be your choice whether or not you attend. There's an excellent charity offering support in these circumstances both for you and your partner:

napac.org.uk - they have a helpline too.

lakeshoreliving · 23/03/2018 00:04

The dc of abusers often love the abusers while hating the abuse. However desperately they want abuse to stop they don't always want the abuser out of their lives completely.
Abusers themselves are controlling and manipulative people who control both dc and adults around them. They also often place the blame for abuse on their victims and this can get internalized over time so victims believe this. Your DP deserves huge respect for surviving all that he has.

lakeshoreliving · 23/03/2018 00:07

Your decision not to go is yours alone to make. It is well thought out and understandable.

PreemptiveFartSquats · 23/03/2018 00:11

The funeral is for family, not the dead person - they are dead.

I can understand your principle of not wanting to show respect for the father, but your DP has been/is going through am incredibly difficult time and personally I think your duty to support him should override your other principles. You certainly shouldn't judge him for going to his father's funeral.

Goodasgoldilox · 23/03/2018 00:12

I suppose it all depends on how you see funerals.

My Dad has always said that they are for the living. (As a Church organist he has seen a few!) Others agree.

People have been known to attend to spit on the grave of those they won't be missing.

It does not sound as if this one is likely to be a celebration of the life of the deceased.

This funeral could be about your partner and what he needs .

His mother could well have been another victim. Not all adults are equally strong and able to defend themselves or others.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/03/2018 00:14

Why was he in contact with his mother?

That would have been a deal breaker for me.

IF he goes to his father’s funeral it will look like he has forgiven his father & he is supporting his mother, who forgave his father. That’s not something I would want people to think of me, nor my partner.

CookieDoughKid · 23/03/2018 00:16

As a mother of a dc who's been a victim from a very close family member, my opinion is that you do not and should not feel that you need to attend the funeral of a peadophile. You needn't justify anything. If you want to go support your partner then that is a noble reason. For me, I would absolutely draw the line with his mother. I wouldn't let my dcs need her AT ALL, I wouldn't trust her and honestly, she sounds like a fuck up. The whole family is a fuck up. I would not want my kids to be exposed to it. There are no shades of grey for me when it comes to child abuse.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/03/2018 00:19

Goodasgoldilox. She chose to take him back when he came out of prison. He sexually abused children, including her own, and she took him back. She had every opportunity to put her son and all those other children first, she didn’t, she chose to betray them and take him back.

mellicauli · 23/03/2018 00:19

I suspect your husband is going to be feeling so much right now, I don't think you can realistically expect there to be much space for your feelings on this matter. I think it's time to tag along with what he wants, make soothing sounds and generally be there for him.

In matters of bereavement there are circles of support - your husband is there to support his mother, you should be there to support your husband, your friend's or family should be there to help you with your understandably conflicted feelings.

I can see you would not want to pay respects, could you say you are simply mark his passing by attending instead?

CookieDoughKid · 23/03/2018 00:19

There is a known convicted peodophile in my husband's family and everyone - literally, EVERYONE AND their CHILDREN are around him and in his company. Like physically playing with HIM. It's so sick i physically retch when I see family photos of them all playing happy families.